fishgo作文练习贴

fishgoUID: 3607599

issue.62
Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.
        
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.
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看范文加分析：10min
写作：60min。。。。真的太慢了，我觉得我考试的时候还是少举例，写例子很花时间，表达的也别扭

例子只要每段只要一个就ok

困难：英语表达太弱了。。。

Are leaders are created by the demands placed on them? In my opinion, in ordinary circumstances, leaders are created by mastery of professional skills and communication skills other than demands. However, in certain exceptional circumstances, usually in emergencies, ordinary people may become leaders in response to the demands.

other than- rather than
这个思路是借鉴我的范文的吧  
我觉得这道题自己想真的好难 我也想了很久的  
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是啊，我是先看了老师的范文，然后想到既然有紧急情况，那么就应该有普通情况，所以就分了两种情况。


If one person want to be a leader in the field that he works in, he should first master excellent professional skills. By receiving  relevant training can a person get professional skills and better understanding of the job and the field he works in. With through understanding of the job,one can be qualified a leader in his field. Take IT industry for example, almost all engineers were once freshmen ,and they started work as coders. After mastering excellent programming skills, they can think on a high lever, and thus lead workers in a group.

这段本身还行 但是硬伤是没有回应题目的关键词 created by demand
你就是反对也得时不时踩上几脚啊  
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订正：写例子实在太累了，写完后就忘记要呼应主题了，在这段最后加上
老师的呼应：In other words, taking the leadership roles in an institution does not necessarily relate to the demands for leadership.  
我的呼应： In this case, it is the professional skills rather than demands makes one a leader.



In addition to professional skills, communication skill is also necessary for a person to become a leader. As a leader, one may always be required to communicate with others, and try to persuade other people. If a person does not have great communication skills, he can barely convey his ideal to others and thus unable to lead a team.Communication is very important to a team that nothing could be achieved without communication between leader and workers. Basketball sports, for example, is a sport which requires reasonable strategies. While playing the game, strategies may need to change to suit the game. So the leader of the team should have excellent communication skills to convey the strategy to all team player.

同理 完全忘掉了原命题 这让考官情何以堪   
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订正：同上
老师的呼应：Such strong communication skills would enable them to become leaders in the field and help others to meet the challenges
我的呼应：Such strong communication skills other than demands would enable them to lead the team and help the team to win the game.


On the other hand, there are exceptional circumstances in which ordinary people may become leaders while trying to address the demands at the moment. Ordinary people tend to feel nervous and be in chaos in emergencies while some people can keep calm and think about the demands at the moment. And the calm people can settle down the chaos and lead all people to solve the problem. Thus we may call the calm people a leader for the demands they  address in emergencies. Take wars for example, in some circumstances, the old leader of a group died in a battle, and some solider have to stand out and take the responsibility of leading the group. In such circumstance, it is not the professional skills and communication skills but the demand that make solider a leader.

这段是正面回应题目
你的问题是前面说理和后面的例子基本脱节 而且说理太长
一般是简单说理 列出分论点 然后提出例子 描述里子 通过例子来说理 最后概括  
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订正：写的时候担心说理的太少，写完发现写的太多，而且有点乱，其实主要是没有提出分论点。而且这种紧急情况的例子不太好找，我还是尝试吸收一下老师的例子吧
老师的例子：On September 11, 2001, after three planes were hijacked and crashed to WTO twin towers and the Pentagon, the passengers of United Airline Flight 93 revolted against the hijackers and successfully diverted the airplane from the route to Washington D.C. where the hijackers planned to crash the airplane to the White House. We do not have details about the passengers’ heroic acts but it is safe to believe that some courageous passengers and crew members had responded to the emergency demands for leadership after knowing the terrorist attacks that had happened earlier that day.  These ordinary men and women became leaders of a historical anti-terrorist mission without any prior training and experiences. Their leadership was created by the demands placed on them and will be remembered in history.


这篇你的思路和分类框架都 ok 但是前两段不回应题目是大忌

In conclusion, in most ordinary circumstances, leaders are not created by demands but selected based on the candidates’ communication skills and professional skills. Nevertheless, under exceptional circumstances, ordinary people may become leaders in response to the demands for leadership. 

fishgoUID: 3607599

argument.14
   The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.
A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. These results suggest that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night.
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

相关argument：118
请根据指引列出提纲并点评楼上组员的提纲或直接回帖参与讨论。

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自己先想了几个点，然后大概看了一下老师的提纲，感觉老师列的点比较好，但是我考试的时候可能真的想不到。。。
就写了一下自己的点，想知道自己想的点存在哪些不足， 所以麻烦老师和同学指正~

句子	学生自评	内容点评	语言点评
According to the article, the author argues that, in order to prosper, a business should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night because advertising firms with theses employees tend to have higher profit on a recent survey.	对文章论据和结论的概括，概括的不够简洁		theses笔误
A number of assumptions have been made about the reliability of the study, the relationship between sleep hour of employees and profit of firms and the advice offered to other business.	提出三个assumption
We need to examine them critically to decide if the argument is reasonable.
To begin with, it is assumed that the study is reliable.
It is true that the number of executives rated is not a small number.	这一点不行，改成采样者是否如实回答或者采样是否随机
But it is important to note that the total number of executives in Mentian.			意思含糊
It is possible that total number of the executives is over 50000 and the 300 executives consists only a small part of the total executives.		其他可能性不靠谱
In cases like this, the outcome of the survey can not reflect accurately the relationship between sleep hours and success.	这个点需要重新写	觉得这个点非常牵强
It is further assumed that short sleep hour of employees will necessarily contribute to high profits.
There are many factors can influence the success of firms.	缺少that		语法错误
It is possible that the firms with executives which sleep less have higher efficiency and better strategies of business.	提出可能性
In cases like this, the less sleep hour is not the main reason for higher profit margins and faster growth.	指出可能的后果
The author also claimed that any business should take the advice to hire people with less sleep hour to prosper.	指出第三个assumption
It is unreasonable to assume that any business with people who sleep less than 6 hours can prosper just as the advertising firms.	指出不合理之处		just like
Even assuming that the study is reasonable and that less sleep hour is the main reason for success, the fact may simple suggest that only advertising firms can take the advertise to prosper.	去掉prosper，不确定的表达不能用		take the advertise to prosper.语法 表达
It is possible that advertising firms work in a different way from other firms and the standards for employees are different.	指出可能情况；the requirements for employees		the standards for employees are different不懂
In cases like this, a business can hardly prosper if it take the advice.	指出可能的后果
In conclusion, it is not reasonable to recommend hiring people who need less sleep based on this survey on a relatively small group of executives from a single industry.	结尾对每种类型题目也有对应的回答方法，注意总结	这个结论是不对的 你只能说我们需要检查这些假设来决定是否应该接受这个建议 而不能说这个建议本身是不合理的
More information is needed before we can check the assumptions discussed above and make a more reasonable hiring policy.

晹城UID: 3586536

fishgo 发表于 2015-6-3 20:17
issue.62
Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.
      &#1 ...

抱歉晚了一天才来评，你都已经改过了。。。
我就说几个小地方吧
Para.2

If one person want to be a leader in the field that he works in,

wants~

With through understanding of the job

with   through? 重了?

In this case, it is the professional skills rather than demands makes one a leader.

这里强调句的话是不是应该“it is the professional skills rather than demands that makes one a leader.” ?
这里应该是笔误了，看到你后面是对的。

Para.4
有一个地方我不确定，想和你探讨下，settle down可以有 类似于vt. 的用法吗？

sorry again for the delay~

tmdxlpUID: 2745223

你好，我是你楼下的同学。

argument.14
   The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.
A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. These results suggest that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night.
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.


According to the article, the author argues that, in order to prosper, a business should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night because advertising firms with theses (these) employees tend to have (make?) higher profit on a recent survey. A number of assumptions have been made about the reliability of the study, the relationship between sleep hour of employees and profit of firms (感觉有点怪怪的） and the advice offered to other business. We need to examine them critically（我觉得carefully就好了） to decide if the argument is reasonable.

To begin with, it is assumed that the study is reliable. It is true that the number of executives rated is not a small number(我可能会写成 the simple size is large enough). But it is important to note that the total number of executives in Mentian. It is possible that total number of the executives is over 50000 and the 300 executives consists only a small part of the total executives. In cases like this, the outcome of the survey can not reflect accurately the relationship between sleep hours and success. （我个人觉得，一般情况下一个研究中 sample有300人其实已经挺多的了，并且study是针对这个公司的，而不是向article那样针对整个商业环境的。所以觉得楼主可以从simpling 这一方面来质疑这个结果是不是representative enough, 另外回答的态度，有没有如实回答是一个挺重要的攻击点，有时候论文上面也会写他们limitation可能是回答的人不够诚实。）

It is further assumed that short sleep hour of employees will necessarily contribute to high profits.（这句话的语法好像不太对。我也是个语法渣，说错的话，楼主请不要介意） There are many factors（这里需要加一个that吗？还是可以省略？） can influence the success of firms. It is possible that the firms with executives which sleep less have higher efficiency and better strategies of business（这句话的语法好像不太对。同样，说错的话，楼主请不要介意:lol ）. In cases like this, the less sleep hour is not the main reason for higher profit margins and faster growth.

The author also claimed that any business should take the advice to hire people with less sleep hour to prosper. It is unreasonable to assume that any business with people who sleep less than 6 hours can prosper just as the advertising firms. Even assuming that the study is reasonable and that less sleep hour is the main reason for success, the fact may simple（simply?) suggest that only advertising firms can take the advertise to prosper(应该是firm prosper，而不是advertise prosper）. It is possible that advertising firms work in a different way from other firms and the standards for employees are different. In cases like this, a business can hardly prosper if it take the advice.

In conclusion, it is not reasonable to recommend hiring people who need less sleep based on this survey on a relatively small group of executives from a single industry（是的，当300人代表了整个商业环境的时候就显得样本不足了）. More information is needed before we can check the assumptions discussed above and make a more reasonable hiring policy.  


楼主：我是语法渣，所以如果说错了，请您不要介意。

fishgoUID: 3607599

晹城 发表于 2015-6-4 21:13
抱歉晚了一天才来评，你都已经改过了。。。
我就说几个小地方吧
Para.2

感谢点评~
1、With through understanding of the job，其实是想输 thorough的。。。
2、那个强调句确实漏掉了 that，你看的好仔细啊
3、settle down我刚查了一下，好像没有那样的用法，不过有中间加名词的，settle sb down，我还是用calm吧，平息混乱，clam the chaos，可以这么翻译吗？

fishgoUID: 3607599

tmdxlp 发表于 2015-6-5 00:07
你好，我是你楼下的同学。

argument.14

感谢点评~
1、对第一段的研究的样本数量这个点我也不是很确定，主要是没想到其他的点，不过我感觉你说的“回答的态度”确实可以作为一个点，比从样本数量上书要好很多。
2、“There are many factors  can influence the success of firms”这里面确实少个that，最近写这个句式总是忘记that。。。
3、几个语法好像不太对的地方，我觉得可能是我的表达不太自然的原因吧，硬伤啊:mad:

晹城UID: 3586536

fishgo 发表于 2015-6-6 20:00
感谢点评~
1、With through understanding of the job，其实是想输 thorough的。。。
2、那个强调句确实 ...

这个我也不是很确定，看着没什么不对……
不过你可以用老师给的语料库

查一查自己不确定的表达（但有的时候感觉是对的但就是查不到，保险为好还是不用）
另外或者你可以干脆换一个说法，平息混乱 说成 解决问题……
再或者直接问问老师~

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

fishgo 发表于 2015-6-4 20:00
argument.14
   The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.
A recent study ...

已点评 这周都弄完了吧

fishgoUID: 3607599

晹城 发表于 2015-6-6 21:00
这个我也不是很确定，看着没什么不对……
不过你可以用老师给的语料库

我都把语料库给忘记了，谢谢了，我得去查查看~

fishgoUID: 3607599

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-6 21:18
已点评 这周都弄完了吧

谢谢王老师，这几天有点忙，今天刷了一下才看微信组里面的讨论新的点评方法的事情，马上去完成

fishgoUID: 3607599

issue.113
Claim: The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists.        
Reason: The surest indicator of a great nation is actually the welfare of all its people.        

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.

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用时：45min，真的惨不忍睹，发现一开始构思不够细，写的时候发现不够支撑了。
另外老师的要求是写现代时期这一段，我今天头有点晕竟然写了历史时期那一段

句子	学生自评	内容点评	语言点评
What is a great nation? In my opinion, a nation that made great contribution to the development of the society and civilization can be called a great nation	定义great		感觉你的句型和sunshine惊人相似 难道是翻译的结果？ -------------------------- 就是翻译的啊。。因为对工科生来讲这实在太抽象了。。。。
I disagree with the reason that the surest indicator of a great nation is the welfare of all its people	指出不同意reason
It is possible that the good welfare of some nations is the result of abundant natural resources and small population	指出可能的情况
In cases like this, these nations are more lucky than great unless they made no contributions to society or to civilization	指出为在这一的情况什么不同意		more lucky than great 这个句型好熟  但是好像不对 -------------------------- 我查了一下，与其说不如说的用法，有个例句He is more lucky than clever.跟我这个句式好像差不多啊
I diagree with the claim that the surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievement of its elites	指出不同意claim		made no contributions to society or to civilization略显笼统 ------------------------------------------ 老师的例句：  Nevertheless, these wealthy nations do not deserve the label “great nations” unless they have made some substantial contribution to the world as a whole.
In history  and modern times, a nation can be called a great nation only when the nations contirbuted to the world greatly	指出理由，将在历史和现在阶段分开阐述
In historical times, the nations with excellent achievements of its elites are always viewed as great	指出在历史时期什么样的国家能被称为伟大
The reason is that the achievements made by these nations changed the world and contributed to the development of society and civilizaiton	指出这一论点的原因，为分论点
Take England in Industry Revolution for example, in the Industry Revolution, the efficency of factories are greatly improved and England was ahead of other countries for its great power	举例		断句 ------------------------------------------ Take England in Industrial Revolution for example,  since Industial Revolution happended the efficency of factories had been greatly improved.  England was ahead of other countries for its great power.
What more, the revolution also increased the productivity of other countries and promoted the civilization of human	举例的进一步补充		promoted the civilization of human搭配 ------------------------------------------------------------ promote the process of human civilization
So we called England in that period a great nation for its achievements of elites.	将列子与论点结合
In modern times, the nations with excellent achievements of its elites are often viewed as great by contemporary critics.	指出在现代时期判断国家伟大的准则
在现代社会，信息的流通越来越快，一个国家的政治、艺术、科学领域的成就不仅给 自己国家带来深刻的影响，同时也通过传播到其他国家，影响到别国的政治、经济， 从而对全球的社会化和文明进程产生影响	详细阐述，构造分论点
举例因特网，由美国产生，不仅在本国改变了人们的生活，加快了本国的信息化进程， 同时也在世界上掀起了一场信息革命，至此之后，世界各国大力发展网络技术， 使全球进入信息时代。	举例，结合论点阐述

In sum, if we can define a nation that made great contribution to the development of the society and civilization a great nation,the surest indicator of a great nation is the achievements of its rulers, artists ,or scientists. Meanwhile the welfare of people is not the surest indicator of a great nation.


总的来说 中间段写的不错 就是语言表达还要改进

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

fishgo 发表于 2015-6-8 20:20
issue.113
Claim: The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its rulers, arti ...

你觉得这样列表做总结对你有什么帮助么？

fishgoUID: 3607599

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-8 21:24
你觉得这样列表做总结对你有什么帮助么？

这样总结我觉得比较好，自己写完了列个表看一下，能一下子看出来中间段的展开套路对不对，写的时候也有意识去想接下来要写什么了。

fishgoUID: 3607599

argument78
The following appeared in a memo from the vice president of a food distribution company with food storage warehouses in several cities.
Recently, we signed a contract with the Fly-Away Pest Control Company to provide pest control services at our fast-food warehouse in Palm City, but last month we discovered that over $20,000 worth of food there had been destroyed by pest damage. Meanwhile, the Buzzoff Pest Control Company, which we have used for many years, continued to service our warehouse in Wintervale, and last month only $10,000 worth of the food stored there had been destroyed by pest damage. Even though the price charged by Fly-Away is considerably lower, our best means of saving money is to return to Buzzoff for all our pest control services.
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

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用时：34min，好歹杀进三十分钟的大关了。。。。

句子	学生自评	内容点评	语言点评
According to the vice president, the company should sign with the Buzzodd Pest Control Company for all their pest control services to save money.	对文章论据和结论的概括		sign with 搭配 ------------ sign a contract with
In order to assess the argument, we need more evidence about performance of Fly-Away Pest Control Company in the past few months, the information about two warehouse and food in them and the exact prices charged by two companies.	提出三个evidence
The first piece of evidence that we would need in order to evaluate the vice president's calm is performance of Fly-Away Pest Control Company in the last few months.	提出第一个需要的evidence
It is possible that the performance of last month is not typical.	指出和上句相关的某种可能性
For example, if we had evidence that in the last month the pest of Palm City was ramptious and hard to deal with, it would certainly weaken the argument.	具体举例展开讨论这种可能性	我觉得这个point是成立的；但是未必需要写pest -ramptious这类细节 你只需要说 maybe the performance of the company flunctuates greatly due to the changing weather or environment; we need more records of their performance in different seasons and different cities to evaluate their competence more objectively 而且这里应该是对两间公司的过往表现进行综合比较
In this case, the performance of last month could not indicate the real performance of Palm City.	指出如果这种可能性成立会有什么结论
So we need more evidence about the performance of Fly-Away Pest Control Company in the past few months to draw a conclusion.	呼应论点
Another piece of evidence that might  help us evaluate the calim involves the information about two warehouse and food in them.	提出需要的第二个证据		感觉这个句型挺赞
According to the article, the economical lost warehouse in Palm City is much more than that in Wintervale.	复述原题论证中的某个部分		economical lost warehouse这是什么意思？ ------------ 是想说仓库的经济损失的，结果忘记了of 改为economic loss
If we are to learn that the environment of two warehouses and the condition of food in two warehouses are differernt, it would significantly weaken the conclusion.	指出和上句相关的某种可能性
It might turn out to be the case, for example,there exists much more pest in environment of warehouse in Palm City and the food in the warehouse is hard to percive	具体举例展开讨论这种可能性		that there exist percive? preserve? ------------ 保存：preserve
In cases like this, we can not conclude that Buzzoff Pest Control Company did better than Fly-Away Pest Control Company.	呼应论点
In order to fully evaluate the argument, we would also need to learn more about the exact prices charged by two companies.	提出需要哪方面的证据
If we compare the difference between prices and difference between economical lost, which one is more?	以提问形式说明需要的证据		问句好诡异啊 ------------ If we compare the difference between prices and difference between economical lost，we don't know which one is more.
It would significantly undermine the argument if it turned out that the economical lost can be compansated by the lower price of Fly-Away Pest.	指出和上句相关的某种可能性，再指出如果这种可能性成立会有什么结论		economical lost - loss 损失就是损失 为啥要在前面加economical啊 ----------------- 我以为lost不能表现出经济的损失。。。
Without knowing the exact price of two companies, it is hard to draw the conclusion.	总结对论证的质疑

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

fishgo 发表于 2015-6-9 20:17
argument78
The following appeared in a memo from the vice president of a food distribution company  ...

已点评