fishgo作文练习贴

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issue 78
People's attitudes are determined more by their immediate situation or surroundings than by society as a whole.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

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思考2min/提纲11min/补充15min
分了三个attitude，总感觉第三个点写反对更好，但觉得这样的题目要求应该是yes or no ，而不是什么时候yes，什么时候no类型的写法，希望老师指点一下！另外这个题目真心想不到合适的例子

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------看过了老师的范文，自己修改一下：这道题从社会影响人们的态度的方式入手会好写很多，即教育、媒体、政府政策。每段分论点，第一点写一个方式影响态度，第二点写这个方式还决定了我们的直接环境。
1.教育决定我们的态度和社会环境。举让座（ priority seating ）的例子，同时教育也使得我们的环境反映我们的态度，还是让座的例子
2.媒体决定我们的态度和社会环境。举消费主导的社会（ consumer-oriented），媒体倡导奢侈消费以获得快乐
3.政策方面。举例同性婚姻在欧美越来越被接受。

句子	作用	内容点评	语言点评
para.1
I agree with the view that people's attitudes are determined more by their immediate situation or surroudings than by society as a whole.	主旨句
The people's attitudes consisit of attitude toward himself/herself, attitude toward other people and attitude towards the world.	分论点
All the three attitudes are determined more by their immediate situation.	主题句1,2,3
para.2
To begin with, the attitude towards himself/herself is determined by their immediate situation.	主题句
对待自己态度受周围环境的人对待自己态度影响	分论点
举例，一个经常受到别人正面肯定的小孩更可能对自己充满自信，而一个经常受到别人反面暗示的小孩更会产生自卑心理。	例子
人对自己的评价态度来源对自己的了解，对自我的了解很大程度上来源于周围的人对自己的反馈，而社会整体几乎不会对个人做明确的评价。	解释
因此，对自己的态度更受周围环境的影响。	总结
para.3
Also, the attitude towards other people is determined by the immediate surroudings.	主题句
对别人的态度也要参照周围的人对别人的态度。	分论点
出于融入团体的考虑，人会不自觉的接受周围的人对别人的态度，以显得表明和他们一致。而社会上流行的的别人的态度很可能跟个人所处环境不符合，因而不对个人造成影响。	说理
[td=293]所以，对别人的态度更受周围环境的影响。 [/td]	总结
para.4
Finally, the attitude towars the world is determined by the immediate situation.	主题句
对世界的态度，由于没有直接的反馈，更多的来源于周围环境的互相交流	分论点
中国学生从高中升入大学后世界观发生变化	举例
初中学生很多都是一个地区的小孩，生长环境差不多，对世界的看法也差不多，而大学生来自全国很多地方，这些人生长环境差异大，他们的世界观差别也很大	解释例子
因此，世界观更多受周围环境影响。	总结

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5.28  argument 71
原句：Whats's more, whether the commute time have really fallen considerably is still a question, we don't know the people who claimed commute time have fallen is reliable or not

点评：断句

修改：What's more, whether the commute time have really fallen considerabley is still a question; as a result, we don't know the people who claimed commute time have fallen is reliable or not.

总结：想一句话里表达一个因果关系，按照汉语的表达习惯来写了，以后有因果的要么分两句，要么中间加分号。

原句：The affection of road construction of neighborhoods can be offset by the combination of financial compensation and gas coupon, in this situation we need evidence to compare the expense between compensation and road construction

点评：断句

修改：The affection of road construction of neighborhoods can be offset by the combination of financial compensation and gas coupon. In this situation we need evidence to compare the expense between compensation and road construction.

总结：先描述一个情况，然后讲在这个情况下会怎样，还是得拆分两句写

6.1 issue 7
原句：There are many kinds of arts in a society, some popular arts can get financial support from the society and keep flourish.

点评：断句

修改：There are many kinds of arts in a society, in which some are popular and can get financial support from the society

总结：这一句话里表达了两个意思，但不是同一主语，也没用连接词，放在一句里是不行的，改用定语从句解决，在从句里表达另一个意思。

原句： While some less popular arts can barely survive because they are known by little people and they are hard to understand so they get little financial support

点评：断句

修改：While some less popular arts can barely survive because they are known by little people and they are hard to understand. So these arts get little financial support from society and need governmental funding.

总结：和前面错误原因一样，因果不要放在一句里面讲


6.8 issue 113
原句：Take England in Industry Revolution for example, in the Industry Revolution,
the efficency of factories are greatly improved and England was ahead of
other countries for its great power.

点评：断句

修改：Take England in Industrial Revolution for example,  since Industial Revolution happended the efficency of factories had been greatly improved.  Thus England was ahead of other countries for its great power.

总结：同上，表达因果的句子，原因和结果不要放在一个句子里面。


最后的总结:一开始我的断句问题比较严重，经老师指出后，我写完一个句子，如果句子比较长，我会考虑断句的问题，这样能避免不少断句问题，经上面的总结发现，断句比较容易发生在表达因果和特定情况分析上，写作时对这两个情况稍加注意就可以了。

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5.26  argument 32
The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.
During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. Experts say that significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Quiot and thereby increase productivity, we should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

原文According to the vice president of Quit Manufacturing, Quit should shorten each of their three work shift by one hour to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents and increase productivity so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep. To assess this argument, we need to examine a number of assumptions about the reason of lower accidents in Panoply Industries plant, the relation between  fatigue,sleep and long shift work hour.

点评你的主旨句怎么只有两点?

修改 To assess this argument, we need to examine a number of assumptions about the reason of lower accidents in Panoply Industries plant, the relation between  fatigue,sleep and long shift work hour，and the result of decreasing work shifts”
总结 首段的3的分论点部分，一开始写的时候没有想好哪三个，就先写了两个，想写完再补的，结果真的忘记了。。。这是一开始写argument的时候犯的错误，现在开始就列好提纲就不会有这样的问题了。

6.16  argument 15
The following memorandum is from the business manager of Happy Pancake House restaurants.
Recently, butter has been replaced by margarine in Happy Pancake House restaurants throughout the southwestern United States. This change, however, has had little impact on our customers. In fact, only about 2 percent of customers have complained, indicating that an average of 98 people out of 100 are happy with the change. Furthermore, many servers have reported that a number of customers who ask for butter do not complain when they are given margarine instead. Clearly, either these customers do not distinguish butter from margarine or they use the term 'butter' to refer to either butter or margarine.

Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.

原文及点评
Accordingto the manager of Happy Pancake House restaurants, customers of the restaurantwere almost happy with the change of butter by margarine on the fact that 2percent of customers have complained. He concluded that many customers cannotdistinguish butter from margarine or they confuse the conception of"butter".
严格来讲这不是他的结论 而是解释 注意题目的用词

To begin with, we need to explain the attitude of customers toward the change.
主题句不准确对文章的影响很大

Anotherexplanation we need to discuss is about the report from servers.
未回应题目要求

修改
Accordingto the manager of Happy Pancake House restaurants, replacing butter with margarine had little influence on their customers based on the his interpretations and explanations of two observations: 1) only 2% of customers complained; 2) customers did not complain about the replacement according to the servers.


To begin with, we need to explore other explanations of why few customers complained about the change

We also need to exploer another explanation about the report from servers.


总结：这篇argument写的比较差，explanation的题型第一次写，对这类题目的应答方式没有想好，应该是针对文章给出的fact来explore alternative explanations，并且归纳题目的时候要写出fact。


6.24  argument 35
The following appeared in a letter from the owner of the Sunnyside Towers apartment complex to its manager.
One month ago, all the showerheads in the first three buildings of the Sunnyside Towers complex were modified to restrict maximum water flow to one-third of what it used to be. Although actual readings of water usage before and after the adjustment are not yet available, the change will obviously result in a considerable savings for Sunnyside Corporation, since the corporation must pay for water each month. Except for a few complaints about low water pressure, no problems with showers have been reported since the adjustment. I predict that modifying showerheads to restrict water flow throughout all twelve buildings in the Sunnyside Towers complex will increase our profits even more dramatically.
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the prediction and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the prediction.


原文 What's more, we need to answer that whether the prediction is reasonable.

点评 这个主题句有问题 整篇文章的中心就是predictable是否reasonable 这不应该成为这一段的中心
你需要重新尝试概括这段的内容
修改 What's more, we need to answer whether the current prospective tenants of the complex will be dissatisfied with the restricted water flow and move away.

总结 其实题目在要求里已经指明了decide whether the prediction and the argument on which it is based are reasonbale,所以整篇argument就是探索这个prediction是否合理，而不是一段的主题是这个，应该是每段的主题最终的目的是这个，但探索的是更为细节的方面。

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学习kssandra的总结方法！

日期	题号	原句	点评	修改	总结
5月31日	Argument 71	It would also turn out to be the case, for example, the people interviewed happended to change their driving behavior after the policy was implemented.	这里的would应该是might   因为你是提出一种可能性	It might turn out to be the case, for example, the people interviewed happended to change their driving behavior after the policy was implemented.	提出可能的写作方式不熟悉
6月3日	issue 62	In my opinion, in ordinary circumstances, leaders are created by mastery of professional skills and communication skills other than demands. bey them even if they are unjust.	other than- rather than	In my opinion, in ordinary circumstances, leaders are created by mastery of professional skills and communication skills rather than demands. bey them even if they are unjust.	rather than - 而不是 other than- 除了
6月4日	argument 14	It is unreasonable to assume that any business with people who sleep less than 6 hours can prosper just as the advertising firms.	just like	It is unreasonable to assume that any business with people who sleep less than 6 hours can prosper just like the advertising firms.	just as后面接句子，just like 后面接句子或名词
6月4日	issue 14	Even assuming that the study is reasonable and that less sleep hour is the main reason for success, the fact may simple suggest that only advertising firms can take the advertise to prosper.	take the advertise to prosper.语法 表达	Even assuming that the study is reasonable and that less sleep hour is the main reason for success, the fact may simple suggest that only advertising firms can take the advertise	语法错误
6月8日	issue 113	What more, the revolution also increased the productivity of other countries and promoted the civilization of human	promoted the civilization of human搭配	What more, the revolution also increased the productivity of other countries and promoted the process of human civilization	句子表达问题
6月9日	argument 78	According to the vice president, the company should sign with the Buzzodd Pest Control Company for all their pest control services to save money.	sign with 搭配	According to the vice president, the company should sign a contract with the Buzzodd Pest Control Company for all their pest control services to save money.	词组搭配问题
6月9日	argument 78	It might turn out to be the case, for example,there exists much more pest in environment of warehouse in Palm City and the food in the warehouse is hard to percive	that there exist percive? preserve?	It might turn out to be the case, for example,there exists much more pest in environment of warehouse in Palm City and the food in the warehouse is hard to preserve	单词搞混 preserve：保存
6月12日	argument 28	In conclusion, we need more information to exam these assumptions discuss above	discussed above	In conclusion, we need more information to exam these assumptions discussed above	单词用错时态
6月12日	argument 28	Individuals should obey the laws even though the laws are viewed as unjust laws.	even when	Individuals should obey the laws even when the laws are viewed as unjust laws.	选词不合适
6月12日	argument 28	Some people may concern how can individuals show their concerns about unjust laws.	may be concerned about/ how individuals can ...	Some people may be concerned about how can individuals show their concerns about unjust laws.	单词用法问题
6月18日	issue 122	And the achievements of heros and role models are often ideal realization of our dreams which can not be achieved by most people	ideal realization of our dreams 表达有问题	And sometimes these people are just too perferct for us to imitate in real lives.	表达选词不好

总结：选词和搭配的问题比较杂，能尽量避免的有单词的时态，语法，表达的选词，这些如果有一到两分钟检查，估计能看出来，其他的比如动词搭配，很可能一直就是记得错的，比较难处理，总之写的时候小心一点，不确定的表达不用就能避免不少问题了。

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6.16 argument 15
The following memorandum is from the business manager of Happy Pancake House restaurants.
Recently, butter has been replaced by margarine in Happy Pancake House restaurants throughout the southwestern United States. This change, however, has had little impact on our customers. In fact, only about 2 percent of customers have complained, indicating that an average of 98 people out of 100 are happy with the change. Furthermore, many servers have reported that a number of customers who ask for butter do not complain when they are given margarine instead. Clearly, either these customers do not distinguish butter from margarine or they use the term 'butter' to refer to either butter or margarine.

Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.

原文：Accordingto the manager of Happy Pancake House restaurants, customers of the restaurantwere almost happy with the change of butter by margarine on the fact that 2percent of customers have complained. He concluded that many customers cannotdistinguish butter from margarine or they confuse the conception of"butter". To assess the argument, we need to takeinto account a number of alternative explanations about the attitude ofcustomers toward the change, the report from servers and the conclusion made bythe manager.
点评：严格来讲这不是他的结论 而是解释 注意题目的用词；第三个点看上去不太合适
原文：To egin with, we need to explain the attitude of customers toward the change.   
点评：need to explore other explanations of why few customers complained about the change 主题句不准确对文章的影响很大

原文：Anotherexplanation we need to discuss is about the report from servers.
点评：感觉你的主题句写得不在点上 题目要求是对具体的现象提出其他可能的解释  

原文：Finally,the conclusion of the manager need to be evaluated to assess the argument
点评：未回应题目要求

总结：这篇argument写的有点偏，对explanation题型的套路理解有偏差，其实应该是对fact提出新的解释，不过我一开始没意识到这个问题，只是在找攻击点，所以第三个点写的就不对了，原文里面那个根本不是conclusion，而是文章给出的explanation，可见审题有多重要。


6.18  issue 122
The best way to understand the character of a society is to examine the character of the men and women that the society chooses as its heroes or its role models.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

原文：I strongly disagree with the statement that examining the character  of heroes and role models choosen by the society is the best way to understand the character of a society.Because characters of the heros and role models are usually exaggeraterd  by the mass media for certain purposes. And the achievements of heros and role models are often ideal realization of our dreams which can not be achieved by most people. Some people may argue that these heros and role models did represent some realistic characters of the society. but the number of the heros and role models is too small to represent the whole society.
点评：不太确定你如何反驳 要看后面；我不太看好你这里说数量少作为反驳

总结：这次是challenge的点选取的不合适，选用number来challenge不太好，没有说服力，或者是我没能更好的论证出来，还是用投入产出比来challenge。总之challenge的点还是要好好考虑的。


6.24 argument 35
The following appeared in a letter from the owner of the Sunnyside Towers apartment complex to its manager.
One month ago, all the showerheads in the first three buildings of the Sunnyside Towers complex were modified to restrict maximum water flow to one-third of what it used to be. Although actual readings of water usage before and after the adjustment are not yet available, the change will obviously result in a considerable savings for Sunnyside Corporation, since the corporation must pay for water each month. Except for a few complaints about low water pressure, no problems with showers have been reported since the adjustment. I predict that modifying showerheads to restrict water flow throughout all twelve buildings in the Sunnyside Towers complex will increase our profits even more dramatically.
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the prediction and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the prediction.

原文：According to the letter, the author predict that modifying showerhead to restrict water flow throughout all building in the Sunnyside Towers complex can increase the profits of the company. He made the argument based on the assumption that the change in three buildings of the complex will result in a considerable savings and on the fact that no complaints about showers have been reported. To evaluate the argument critically, we need to ask a few questions about the savings resulted from the change in the three buildings, the problems with the showers and the reliability of the prediction.
点评：the problems with the showers  这个看不出来你想说什么

原文：To begin with, we need to discuss the question about the savings resulted from the changes in the three building.
点评：无

原文：We also need to answer the question about the probability of problems about the shower.
点评：感觉这个切入点不靠谱

原文：What's more, we need to answer that whether the prediction is reasonable.
点评：这个主题句有问题 整篇文章的中心就是predictable是否reasonable 这不应该成为这一段的中心 你需要重新尝试概括这段的内容  

总结：这篇也是写的很不理想，总之写的太偏了，原因我感觉是没有理清文章的逻辑，原文说为了提高利润来改造，那就要从提高利润的方法出发，分为增加收入与减小支出，然后从这两个方面提出需要回答的问题。感觉这个题目比较深，不仔细想想很难写准。