fishgo作文练习贴

fishgoUID: 3607599

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-28 20:33
已点评

谢谢王老师的点评，argument真的没写好，之前没有写过全文，这几天我多研究研究老师的范文吧，argument得好好重视了，等掌握了再把这篇重写一下

fishgoUID: 3607599

ee_stone 发表于 2015-5-28 22:53
According to the letter, Waymarsh should introduce a policy similar to that of Garville to encoura ...

谢谢你，ee_stone, 我的这篇argument真的写的不好，之前argument的范文看的太少了，现在写全文一下子不知道怎么安排了。你的建议都很中肯，尤其是第一个“typical driver”,我连审题都没审好:dizzy: 另外对evidence类型的题目的应答方法，我也不清楚，导致里面表达出现了很多问题。总之我要去加强argument的基本了，谢谢你的提醒~

fishgoUID: 3607599

（Argument 71重写）
Argument 71、The following is a letter to the editor of the Waymarsh Times.
"Traffic here in Waymarsh is becoming a problem. Although just three years ago a state traffic survey showed that the typical driving commuter took 20 minutes to get to work, the commute now takes closer to 40 minutes, according to the survey just completed. Members of the town council already have suggested more road building to address the problem, but as well as being expensive, the new construction will surely disrupt some of our residential neighborhoods. It would be better to follow the example of the nearby city of Garville. Last year Garville implemented a policy that rewards people who share rides to work, giving them coupons for free gas. Pollution levels in Garville have dropped since the policy was implemented, and people from Garville tell me that commuting times have fallen considerably. There is no reason why a policy like Garville's shouldn't work equally well in Waymarsh."

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

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According to the letter, Waymarsh should introduce a policy similar to that of Garville to encourage more drivers to share rides with others to solve a perceived traffic problem.  This policy will be better than the road building project proposed by the city council.  To evaluate this argument, we need more evidence about the surveys indicating the traffic problem, the policy implemented in Garville that is now proposed for Waymarsh, as well as its strengths and weaknesses relative to the road construction plan.  


To begin with, we need to examine the surveys more critically to decide if there is indeed a traffic problem in Waymarsh.
这里主要讨论调查对象可能不同以及问卷调查对象的报告是否可靠  也许交通并没有变差
It is possible that the people in the surveys are neither reliable and the result of the survey is not reasonable. For example, if we had evidence that during the three years the people investigated had moved to new houses which are far from their companies, it would certainly weaken the speaker's argument. In this cases, the survey is no more reliable and there is no need to introduce the policy.

neither 用得不对 然后这两句话之间应该是因果关系而不是并列关系  
这一段还是写得不行
这里有两个问题 一个是两次survey能否代表当时的人的实际通勤时间 也许人的回忆不可靠 或者取样方面不具有代表性
另一个问题是通勤时间增加是否真的是由于交通变差了 还是由于人们普遍的住得更远了  
可能我的示范也写得不是很清楚
你目前这个中间段肯定是Underdeveloped  
尤其是 not reliable这个点没有展开讨论



In addition, we need to collect more information about how the policy has changed the traffic in Garville and how a similar policy will affect people’s behaviors in Waymarsh.  
这里主要关注政策是否真的在Garville 奏效 也许pollution减少另有原因 比如政府加强对工厂排污的管理  另外Garville的commute time是否真的减少了 仅凭和当地人谈话是否可靠
同时要讨论 gas coupon及share ride在Waymarsh是否被人接受 也许当地人都是土豪 不在乎那点钱 更关注隐私或安全问题   
According to the article, pollution levels in Garville have dropped since the policy was implemented and people from Garville suggested that commuting times have fallen considerably. If we are to learn that the government had carried out strict regulations about the pollution of factories since the policy was implemented, it would significantly weaken the conclusion. It would also turn out to be the case, for example, the people interviewed happended to change their driving behavior after the policy was implemented. In this case, we could not tell the policy did work in Garville. What's more, we need evidence to show the response of people in Waymarsh to the gas coupon  and ride share. It would significantly undermine the argument  if it turned  out that people in Waymarsh refuse the proposal of sharing rides for safety reasons.

If we are to learn that the government had carried out strict regulations about the pollution of factories since the policy was implemented, it would significantly weaken the conclusion.
这里不定式作表语的句型挺好 但是表达的意思不对
We need to know if the government had introduced other policies or taken other measures that may affect the pollution level in Garville.  For example, if ..., ...

It would also turn out to be the case, for example, the people interviewed happended to change their driving behavior after the policy was implemented.
这里的would应该是might  
因为你是提出一种可能性  
而且happended to change their driving behavior的原因是什么 你得提出另一种原因 比如那段时间突然油价涨了  这才是探索其他可能性

refuse the proposal  - refuse to participate in car sharing ...


Finally, we need to compare the cost and benefits of the ride sharing policy with the proposed road construction project.
修路虽然很贵 但是可以用50年 和补贴汽油50年的费用对比如何
对当地人的滋扰可以转化为经济补偿 再和补贴汽油的费用对比
总之需要定量数据来对比两种方案
What is the cost of the ride sharing policy in the future 50 years? We don't know the accurate cost of ride coupon and road construction. The mere fact that road construction project costs much doesn't mean that ride sharing policy is better in the long term. It would weaken the conclusion if it cost least to replace gas coupon with finiancial compensation. In this case, the gas coupon is not an alternative choice of compensation.

What is the cost of the ride sharing policy in the future 50 years?这里突然写这句很奇怪 50年是怎么来的  
It is true that road construction is a costly solution that requires a large amount of investment. But it is important to bear in mind that this solution can be useful for the next 50 years and the average cost of the solution per year would be relatively small. On the other hand, we need to assess the sustainability of the car pooling reward plan.  It may be more costly in the long term to use this scheme to attract more drivers to share cars.  




In conclusion, while the proposed policy seems useful, we need to collect more information to address the issues discussed above to evaluate the soundness of the argument.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

fishgo 发表于 2015-5-31 19:28
（Argument 71重写）
Argument 71、The following is a letter to the editor of the Waymarsh Times.
"T ...

可能这道题有点难 换一道简单的题找找感觉

fishgoUID: 3607599

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-31 20:42
可能这道题有点难 换一道简单的题找找感觉

谢谢王老师的点评，看了你对argument中间段的展开的那一楼，我有了更加清楚的认识了，可能是写的太少，没有形成套路，看来还是需要多练多借鉴。

fishgoUID: 3607599

issue 7) Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure that the arts can flourish and be available to all people. Others believe that government funding of the arts threatens the integrity of the arts.
Write a response in which you discuss which view more closely aligns with your own position and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should address both of the views presented.

这道题的重点是对政府资助的正面功能和潜在风险的分析，要注意好处包括ensure that the arts can flourish and be available to all people而风险则在于threatens the integrity of the arts  需要提出自己的观点、立场同时要讨论两边的观点

这道题提出关于政府资助艺术的两个观点，一个认为政府的资助有必要且必要性体现在繁荣艺术及让所有人都能接触艺术，另一个观点是资助会威胁艺术的完整性，也就是说政府的资助可能会导致某些作品因为不符合主流意识形态而被封杀。这道题用分类讨论的策略来写可能不太合适，主要是因为艺术进行细化可能涉及到一些生僻的词汇，会增加难度。

这里可以考虑的一个思路：
首先同意第一个观点 指出政府资助的必要性 这里可以从两方面考虑 一种是非主流的艺术可能没有商业市场需要政府资助 另一方面有些人很穷 无法负担各种门票 需要政府资助提供免费的艺术

第二段讨论第二个观点 也就是政府资助可能会影响艺术的独立性 这里也可以举一些例子 比如 政府可能会选择性的资助那些歌功颂德的艺术作品  
这里讨论的语气要不太肯定 多用might could之类的情态动词 为第三段做铺垫  

第三段提出自己的立场 认为政府应该资助 但是资助的具体分配应该由一个独立的委員會來完成 這樣可以避免上一段所担心的问题
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第二次写issue全文，自己先写了一个提纲，感觉不对劲，看了王老师的提纲后删掉了
然后参照老师的提纲写，还是写了挺久，自己感觉问题很多，真的对不住批改的同学了。。。。
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你要构思好了再计时写全文
见博客382楼  


首段：
Some people believe that the government funding of the arts ensure that the arts flourish and be available to all people. I tend to agree with the opinion because the government funding is important to make sure all kinds of arts get financial support and to make arts be available to poor people. However, the government funding of the arts may threaten the integrity of the arts if there is no way to supervise the government funding.

第一句的同意转漏掉了因果关系   
开头段主旨句没有写出三个点
你的立场没有
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修改：引用sokiller的开头，感觉他写的很好
Art can reflect the level of civilization and reveal future of society. Therefore, supporting art is an important duty that any government should do. In my opinion, government funding for support is necessary, because it can ensure that the arts can flourish and be available to all people. However, this funding may threaten the integrity of the arts. Thus it is necessary to establish a certain agency in order to eliminate that negative influence of governmental funding.  
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Government funding of the arts is important to ensure that the arts flourish and be available to all people. There are many kinds of arts in a society, some popular arts can get financial support from the society and keep flourish. While some less popular arts can barely survive because they are known by little people and they are hard to understand so they get little financial support. The government funding can give financial support to these less popular arts and make them known to more people. What's more, it cost much to get access to arts. With government funding, people can visit museum for free. So government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure that the arts can flourish and be available to all people.

前面要加过渡词
arts flourish and be available to all people
要换词
第二句要断句  
they are known by little people
第三句也有断句的问题

断句断句断句断句断句断句断句断句

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修改：
To begin with,it is necessary for government to fund the art because government funding can ensure that the arts flourish and be available to all people. There are many kinds of arts in a society, in which some are popular and can get financial support from the society. While some less popular arts can barely survive because they are known by little people and they are hard to understand. So these arts get little financial support from society and need governmental funding.
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However, the government funding of the arts may threaten the integrity of the arts. Government would like to support these arts that is beneficial to government and ignore those independent ones which offer no help to government. So if the arts want to get financial support from the government, they would like to flatter the government which can affect the integrity of arts. For example, some films that show the dark side of the government will not be allowed to public though it is translated from reality.

these arts  后面有定语从句 前面不能用these  
arts 要具体化 艺术作品  
arts want to 艺术怎么want
flatter the government - 开玩笑吧
这种例子不如不要   整句表达有问题  
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修改：
However, the government funding of the arts may threaten the integrity of the arts. Government would like to support  arts which benefit government and ignore those independent ones which offer no help to government. So if the artists want to get financial support from the government, they would like to create arts that  are not from their own will.
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It is important to find a way to avoid the disadvantage of government funding of the arts. We can allow the NGO to deliver  money because the NGO is independent from government. So we can make the funding of arts more reasonable and fair. What's more, people  can supervise the allocation of government funding to all kinds of arts get equitable financial support. By doing so, the integrity of arts can be kept.

和上段的衔接  
So前后的连贯  
people  can supervise 这里的people指的是？
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修改：
In order to avoid the situation that governmental funding threatens the integrity of the arts,  it is important to find a way to avoid the disadvantage of government funding of the arts.We can allow the NGO to deliver  money because the NGO is independent from government. The NGO can keep fair when delivering the funds to all artists. So we can make the funding of arts more reasonable and fair. What's more, people of the society can supervise the allocation of government funding to all kinds of arts get equitable financial support. By doing so, the integrity of arts can be kept.
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In sum, from what has been discussed above, we may finally draw the conclusion that the government funding of the arts is important to ensure that the arts flourish and be available to all people. It is necessary that we find a way to keep the integrity of arts when accepting government funding.

你的整体框架是学我的  
但是语言表达的问题很大
你要仔细看看我是如何展开中间段的

As a threshold matter, government funding and sponsorship are essential to the development of arts.  Unlike popular hollywood movies, which are often sponsored by big corporations through embedded advertising, many artworks could not attract a large number of audience who are willing to pay a large amount of money. If the government does not support the artists and their creative works, the public would not have the opportunities to enjoy high quality artworks.  In addition, arts and creative activities related to arts require infrastructure such as art museum and art schools that can offer space and training programs to exhibit the works and cultivate artistic talents.  Without the support from large corporations, the government has to allocate funding to build art museums and run art schools so that the public can access the museum and send more children to art schools at an affordable rate.  With more members of the public interested and trained in arts, artistic works and activities can then flourish.  

一开始指出问题- 观众不肯付费
指出如果政府不支持的后果  即公众无法享受
然后提出基础设施和学校  等等
这些都是干货  你可以用自己的话重新表达一下

另外你段落之间的过渡也很有问题  

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

fishgo 发表于 2015-6-1 20:32
issue 7) Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure that the art ...

你还是发一个楼层链接到今天的练习帖吧 这样楼下的同学可以帮忙看

fishgoUID: 3607599

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-1 20:50
你还是发一个楼层链接到今天的练习帖吧 这样楼下的同学可以帮忙看

好的，已经回复了

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

fishgo 发表于 2015-6-1 20:32
issue 7) Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure that the art ...

已点评

fishgoUID: 3607599

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-1 23:26
已点评

谢谢老师！我还是先写一段时间的提纲，把中间段的展开和句子的衔接想清楚了再写全文吧

fishgoUID: 3607599

argument.1) Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only in the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea and therefore were believed to have been made only by the Palean people. Recently, however, archaeologists discovered such a 'Palean' basket in Lithos, an ancient village across the Brim River from Palea. The Brim River is very deep and broad, and so the ancient Paleans could have crossed it only by boat, and no Palean boats have been found. Thus it follows that the so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean.
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.
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The author claimed that the so-called Palean baskets discovered in Lithos were not uniquely Palean because the Brim River across the two villages is very deep and broad, ancient Paleans could have crossed the river only boat and no Palean boats have been found. In order to assess the argument, we need more evidence about the condition of Brim River in ancient days,the possible way to cross the river in ancient days and information about Palean boats.

本段里出现大量照抄原题的句子 这是可能被判抄袭的 要学习同意转换  
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订正：The author claimed that the Palean baskets may have been made by people from village other than Palea because a Palean basket was found in the adjacent village and no Palean boat was found.



The first piece of evidence that we would need in order to evaluate the argument is information about the condition of Brim River in ancient days. It is possible that the river in the ancient days was not as deep and broad as nowadays. For example, if we have evidence that the river was very shallow and narrow in the old days that people can just walk across it, it would certainly weaken the author's argument. In this case, boat could have been unnecessary for the people to across the river.

这段写得不错 不过shallow narrow的原因是什么  以及其他的可能 比如冬天冰封了河面  内容可以丰富些
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订正：For example, if we have evidence that the river was once frozen in cold winter  so that people can just walk across it



Another piece of evidence that might help us evaluate this claim involves the possible way to cross the river in ancient days. According to the article, the Brim River is very deep and broad, and so the ancient Paleans could have crossed it only by boat.If we are to learn that the ancient Paleans could cross the river in other ways, it would significantly weaken the conclusion. It might turn out to be the case, for example, the ancient Paleans could build original bridge which was destroyed later.

感觉这段的内容和之前有重复 或者是差不多的 都是在讲过河 没必要写两段  



In order to truly evaluate this article, we would also need  more information about Palean boats. What material is need to build to a Palean boat? How was the boat preserved in Palean? The mere fact that no Palean boats have been found doesn't mean that there existed no Palena boat. It would significantly undermine the argument if it turned out that the boat was made of some special woods that was easy to decay and thus hard to preserve. Without knowing how to make a Palean boat, it is hard to draw the conclusion.

What material is need 语法 时态
how to make a Palean boat - what materials were used to build a ...
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订正： what material was used to build a Palean boat

再加一点：考虑篮子是用什么材料制作的，看能不能在水中漂浮
老师范文：Another importance piece of evidence we need is the materials being used to make the baskets.  Specifically, we want to know whether the baskets could float in the water.  It is possible that some of the baskets had been dumped by Palean people to the river and carried by the water to the other side of the river and then picked up by Lithoian people. To assess how likely this scenario is, we need to know the density of the materials of the baskets along with some other physical characteristics.



总的感觉你的中间段条理比之前清晰了不少 措辞也不错 但是内容不够丰富 可以比对一下我的范文



In conclusion, more evidence is needed to evaluate the argument, and we can not conclude that baskets were not uniquely Palean with the current facts and reasoning offering in the argument.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

fishgo 发表于 2015-6-2 19:44
argument.1) Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been fou ...

感觉有进步哈

cchen2014UID: 3590105

我第一二段和你思路差不多，都是分开讨论了，不过分开两段就发现每一段的内容很单薄。不过你写的句子比我简洁到位很多！学习一下！

fishgoUID: 3607599

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-2 20:58
感觉有进步哈

感谢老师点评！我自己整理了一些老师argument范文的语言框架，写的时候对照着，希望能吸收进来

fishgoUID: 3607599

cchen2014 发表于 2015-6-2 23:06
我第一二段和你思路差不多，都是分开讨论了，不过分开两段就发现每一段的内容很单薄。不过你写的句子比我简 ...

是的，写完第二段我也发现了这个问题，但主要原因其实还是我没有想到足够多的点，所以就把一点拆开来了。。。。