fishgo作文练习贴

fishgoUID: 3607599

英语学习背景：四六级均通过。考研英语78。说到作文，一直都是心痛，从初中开始就在写流水账，终于走到了考G的这一步，流水账真的蒙混不过去了。。。

授权声明：
本人为寄托ID fishgo的持有人，现通过本论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究，在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本人的所有习作及互改记录做教学与科研用途。

考G时间：7.10

欢迎各位G友来吐槽~~~

fishgoUID: 3607599

作文电梯楼

3楼 5.25 issue15（提纲） （tesolchina已点评已修改）

5楼 5.26 argument 32（提纲）（tesolchina已点评）

6楼 5.27 issue13（提纲）（tesolchina、艾小卉已点评）

13楼 5.28 argument71（根据提纲限时写全文）（tesolchina、lily已点评）（已重写，18楼）

21楼 6.1 issue7（全文）（tesolchina已点评，已修改）

26楼 6.2 argument1（全文）（tesolchina、ccchen已点评，已修改）

31楼 6.3 issue62（全文）（tesolchina、暘城已点评，已修改）

32楼 6.4 argument14（全文）(tesolchina、tmdxlp已点评，已修改)

41楼 6.8 issue113（提纲+中间段一段）（tesolchina已点评，已自评已修改）

44楼 6.9 argument78（全文）（tesolchina已点评，已自评已修改）

47楼 6.11 issue33（全文）（tesolchina已点评，未修改）

49楼 6.12 argument.28（全文）（tesolchina已点评，已自评已修改）

50楼 6.15 issue65（全文）（tesolchina已点评，已自评已修改）

51楼 6.16 argument15（全文）（tesolchina已点评，已自评已修改）

53楼 6.18 issue 122（提纲）(tesolchina已点评，已自评已修改)

55楼 6.19 argument 84 （全文）(tesolchina已点评，已自评已修改)

56楼 6.22 issue 59 （快速提纲）(tesolchina已点评，已自评已修改)

57楼 6.23 issue 34 （快速提纲）(tesolchina已点评，已自评已修改)

58楼 6.24 argument 35（快速提纲）(tesolchina已点评，已自评已修改)

59楼 6.25 issue 57（快速提纲）(tesolchina已点评，已自评已修改)

61楼 6.29 issue 78 （快速提纲）

fishgoUID: 3607599

15) Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

因为之前在王老师的帖子里看过这个题目的，所以就采用王老师的分类方法了，主要是凭记忆和自己的理解写的，第一次写提纲，不是很熟练，有问题的地方欢迎指正~~

首段1+3
Should educational institution actively encourage their student to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers? The answer to the question would depend on the financial situations and talents of the students we talk about. For the students whose families are in good financial situation and can support their pursue of study, they can choose fields of study according to their interest. For the students whose families can not afford their tuition, educational institution should encourage them to choose fields of study to get prepared for lucrative careers. For the students who have great talents in some fields though the financial situation of their families are not optimistic, they can pursue the fields of study that they show interest in.

嗯 这个思路好像有我的风格  最后一句不是很清晰 前两句不错  
我好像没写过这道题 但和学生讨论过  

pursue - pursuit

For the students whose families are in good financial situation and can support their pursue of study, they can choose fields of study according to their interest.接下来讲述家庭经济条件比较好能够支持学生深造学习，也许学生学习的专业不是一个能带来高收入的专业，但对这些学生而言，毕业后可能都不一定需要从事对口的专业来维生，可能家境好，能安排工作或者都不需要工作等等。


对土豪嘛  想干嘛干嘛

For the students whose families can not afford their tuition, educational institution should encourage them to choose fields of study to get prepared for lucrative careers.接下来讲，对这些学生而言，在社会生存是他们的首要目标，能够生存稳定后任务就是提高家人的生活水平，所以一个能带来高收入的专业更适合他们。当然，经济水平上去了，可以再追求个人的兴趣爱好等。举例就是马修洛斯的需求金字塔，只有在满足人的生存的低级需求后才有追求高级需求，比如兴趣爱好，的可能。

其实我不太看好在这里用马斯洛的理论  其实对于这些学生一个现实问题就是要还student loan   另外就是补贴家人  写点实际的不是更好么



For the students whose personal abilities are very strong though the financial situation of their families are not optimistic, they can pursue the fields of study that they show interest in.接下来讲，对这样的学生，虽然家庭条件不是很好，但他们的天赋实在太好了，只要他们能投入学习的专业（不管这个专业赚不赚钱），就一定能在那个领域创造突破，如果不让他们学习那个专业，这不仅是对他们能力的浪费，更是社会的损失，所以对这样的学生，教育机构应该想办法资助他们追求擅长的专业。


personal abilities are very strong这个是中文影响的吧

财务状况不理想 汗 （中式英文啊）  

be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.  
这个题目要求需要在这一段完成  

fishgoUID: 3607599

fishgo 发表于 2015-5-25 20:43
15) Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of study that ...

issue 15的订正

1、第一段最后一句表达有点问题，其实是想说，对于在某一领域很有天赋的学生而言，不管他的家庭经济条件如何，他都应该去这个领域学习， 现在修改为：For the students who are talented in some fields, they should pursue the study in these fields, no matter in what financial condition their families are.

2、第二段 For the students whose families can not afford their tuition, educational institution should encourage them to choose fields of study to get prepared for lucrative careers.接下来讲，对这些学生而言，在社会生存是他们的首要目标，毕业后的第一件事情可能就是还清student loan ,如果没有一个高收入的工作，那要想短期还清学生贷款是不可能的。还完贷款后稳定自己的生活，并且提高家人的生活水平，所以一个能带来高收入的专业更适合他们的生存状况。当然，经济水平上去了，可以再追求个人的兴趣爱好等。

3、英语表达真的很捉急，当时写这两个词的时候也犹豫了一下，因为想不到更好的替代词，所以硬着头皮写上去了。。。
个人能力很强改成天赋很好：who is gifted in some fields
经济状况不太乐观：in bad financial situation

4、be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.  写第三段的时候真的忘记了题目还有这个要求，我是准备这样写：也许有人会说，如果有些学生真的在某一领域很有天赋，但事实表明最后他们在该领域也没取得瞩目的成就，早知道这样还不如让他们学赚钱的专业，我的反驳是，诚然这些学生最后没有取得瞩目成就，但发生这样事情的原因很有可能就是他们并不是像别人以为的那样真正的在这个领域有天赋，或者就是有天赋但不努力，所以说（再复述一下该段的中心句）。

fishgoUID: 3607599

32) The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.
During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. Experts say that significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Quiot and thereby increase productivity, we should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.


结论：to reduce  the number of on-the-job accidents at Quiot and thereby increase productivity, we should shorten each of our three work shift by one hour so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep.

证据1：During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours.

证据2：Experts say that significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers.

第一段：According to the vice president of Quit Manufacturing, Quit should shorten each of their three work shift by one hour to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents and increase productivity so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep. To assess this argument, we need to examine a number of assumptions about the reason of lower accidents in Panoply Industries plant, the relation between  fatigue,sleep and long shift work hour.

你的主旨句怎么只有两点?




中间第一段：The speaker compared the number of accidents of Quit and Panoly, and concluded that the reason of lower accident rate in Panoly is the shorted work shifts. The speaker made the assumption that work shifts is the only difference that may have a influence on the accidents between Quit and Panoly.我们需要知道更多关于这两个工厂的信息，比如工作环境，设备的先进程度，工人的安全意识等，这些都能影响事故率，如果这些因素都一样，那么这个assumption就是对的，如果这些因素只要有不一致的，那么assumption就不成立，那么工作时间的差异就不是这两个工厂事故率不同的原因。

连续两句用the speaker开头略显生硬   


中间第二段：The speaker made the assumption that the workers in the Quiot  are suffering from fatigue and sleep deprivation because of the work shifts are longer than that of  Panoply.如果这个assumption成立，缓解疲劳与睡眠不足就能减少事故率，如果assumption不成立，即Q厂的工作时长不会引起疲劳与睡眠不足，那么缩短工作时间根本不会减少事故率。我们需要知道是不是有其他原因引起疲劳与睡眠不足，比如工人的是不是居住在比较吵闹的街区，晚上睡眠质量低，或者是工人的个人生活习惯问题，如果这些都不是原因的话，那么assumption就成立了。

你要重点讨论assumption不成立的情况



中间第三段：The speaker made the assumption that the decrease of work shifts will relief fatigue and sleep deprivation..如果这个assumption成立，那么缩短工作时间就能缓解疲劳与睡眠不做，从而最终减少事故率，如果不成立，即还有其他的原因导致这些症状，那么缩短工作时间，无法从根本上缓解这些症状，也就无法减少事故率。我们需要知道更多的信息来判断assumption是否成立，比如缩短上班时间后，提前下班的工人会去参加那些活动，是提前回家还是去夜店喝酒，或者下班早了是不是意味着工人睡得就早呢。

relief - 不是动词

fishgoUID: 3607599

13) Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

开头：I agree with the claim that universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study. For the students who major in business, it is necessary for them to take a variety of courses outside business. For the students who major in engineering and science,  courses outside engineering and science benefit them with common sense and sometimes aspirations, so they should take the courses. For the students major in literature, some people may think there is no need for them to take a variety of courses, but I think it is still important for these students to take the courses.

it is necessary for them to take a variety of courses outside business so that ... 简略说下理由
benefit them with common sense and sometimes aspirations, so they should take the courses.
不太明白这里common sense指的是什么  后面要断句  

我觉得按学科分类是比较好写的


第一段：For the students who major in business, it is necessary for them to take a variety of courses outside business. 接下来论述商科本身就是一门贴近人们生活的学科，所以对人们生活的方方面面都有了解很有必要，个人的生活经历很有限，很难触及各个学科，所以在大学多学一些其他科目的课程是一个很好的途径来补充各行各业的知识。其次了解多学科的知识对于发现商机是非常有益的，可以举例大学里举办的很多活动都是要求商科和其他工科共同参与的，如果商科学生对工科知识没有一点了解，那就无法继续参与了。

这个例子提到大学里的活动 我觉得不是很合适 直接说商科同学进投行评估项目很多是高科技的 需要懂一些工程
或者定量分析需要数学和计算机 都可以



第二段： For the students who major in engineering and science,  courses outside engineering and science benefit them with common sense and sometimes aspirations, so they should take the courses.接下来论述，对工科和理科学生而言，专业要求的课程一般都是比较枯燥难懂的课程，如果能在空余时间辅修一些专业的课程，不仅能拓宽他们的眼界，或许能给他们从不同角度带来灵感。此外，考虑到工科和理科的职业规划，大学多学一些经济管理知识有利于以后工作向管理层的转变。举例xx导演大学学的是计算机，但大学时辅修的电影课程给了他很多启发，毕业后潜心电影事业，最后终于成了著名导演。

这个导演的例子是不合适的  因为他并没有在工科的领域成功
你可以说学工程的人很多都要做管理 做管理就需要懂经济 懂心理学 等等




第三段：For the students major in literature, some people may think there is no need for them to take a variety of courses on the consideration that literary creation only depends personal aspiration and life experience. In my opinion, though knowledge of many other fields is not necessary for students major in literature, an excellent literal product should be original from life and can inspire people, if a student doesn't even know the common sense and has trouble in understanding the newspaper, how could he make a literary comment? So it is still important for these students to take courses outside literature.


students major in literature语法
第三段如果是挑战自己的观点的话 就得回到前面的点上去 而不是另说literature
Some people may argue that such requirement would take away the time that can be spent on the major courses   
或许可以这样提出挑战
回应可以是 students may take the courses for pass or fail in order to reduce the workload  

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

fishgo 发表于 2015-5-26 21:39
32) The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.
During the past  ...

已点评

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

fishgo 发表于 2015-5-27 19:21
13) Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's fie ...

已点评

艾小卉UID: 3484633

第一段：For the students who major in business, it is necessary for them to take a variety of courses outside business. 接下来论述商科本身就是一门贴近人们生活的学科，所以对人们生活的方方面面都有了解很有必要，个人的生活经历很有限，很难触及各个学科，所以在大学多学一些其他科目的课程是一个很好的途径来补充各行各业的知识。其次了解多学科的知识对于发现商机是非常有益的，可以举例大学里举办的很多活动都是要求商科和其他工科共同参与的，如果商科学生对工科知识没有一点了解，那就无法继续参与了。

我个人觉得商科的例子不是很合适，你既可以说多上一些课，比如沟通礼仪啊有好处，又可以说商科需要的更多的是实践。我觉得还是那种交叉学科比较好说，比如行为金融学、game theory(我用的是这个）

第二段： For the students who major in engineering and science,  courses outside engineering and science benefit them with common sense and sometimes aspirations, so they should take the courses.接下来论述，对工科和理科学生而言，专业要求的课程一般都是比较枯燥难懂的课程，如果能在空余时间辅修一些专业的课程，不仅能拓宽他们的眼界，或许能给他们从不同角度带来灵感。此外，考虑到工科和理科的职业规划，大学多学一些经济管理知识有利于以后工作向管理层的转变。举例xx导演大学学的是计算机，但大学时辅修的电影课程给了他很多启发，毕业后潜心电影事业，最后终于成了著名导演。

也许可以补充一些？比如拓展视野、为将来工作打基础？

第三段：For the students major in literature, some people may think there is no need for them to take a variety of courses on the consideration that literary creation only depends personal aspiration and life experience. In my opinion, though knowledge of many other fields is not necessary for students major in literature, an excellent literal product should be original from life and can inspire people, if a student doesn't even know the common sense and has trouble in understanding the newspaper, how could he make a literary comment? So it is still important for these students to take courses outside literature.

我觉得Challenge部分可以借鉴老师的格式，with regard to the concern…………感觉他的分析棒极了，逻辑很清晰  


一点点个人意见，也欢迎你指正我的文章中的不足之处！

fishgoUID: 3607599

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-27 20:37
已点评

非常感谢王老师！下面我就argument.32的一些问题做回应：

1、“To assess this argument, we need to examine a number of assumptions about the reason of lower accidents in Panoply Industries plant, the relation between  fatigue,sleep and long shift work hour.”首段的3的分论点部分，一开始写的时候没有想好哪三个，就先写了两个，想写完再补的，结果真的忘记了。。。。
修改：“To assess this argument, we need to examine a number of assumptions about the reason of lower accidents in Panoply Industries plant, the relation between  fatigue,sleep and long shift work hour，and the result of decreasing work shifts”

2、写的时候我也想过题目要求关于讨论assumption不成立的情况，但不知道怎么下手，所以写的没有呼应题目要求。刚刚看了一下老师的范文，终于了解了这一类题目的写法：“先提出一个假设  然后探索其他的可能挑战这个假设的可能性 最后总结在什么情况下这个结论不成立 ”
下面摘抄一段老师的范文提醒自己“It is also assumed that by shortening the shifts, the Quiot workers would necessarily get more sleep and not feel tired during the work. There are many factors that may affect the amount of sleep and the energy level of the workers. For example, some workers may prefer certain lifestyles that lead to sleep deprivation, such as staying up watching TV or hanging out with friends in the bars until mid-nights. Or some workers may have to take other part-time jobs to earn more money due to the low salary paid by Quiot, which will reduce the sleeping time and energy level of the workers.   If sleep deprivation and fatigue are caused by factors other than long hours, then adopting the proposal would not achieve the desired objectives. ”

fishgoUID: 3607599

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-27 21:33
已点评

王老师辛苦了！下面我就issue.13的问题做以下回应：

1、开头里面的common sense 是想说对理工科学生而言，这些专业以外的课程能给他们拓宽知识面，有时候甚至带来灵感，但写的时候由于表达无力、语言匮乏，就写出了common sense。。。

修改：For the students who major in engineering and science,  courses outside engineering and science can wide their horizons and bring them inspirations.

2、For the students who major in business, it is necessary for them to take a variety of courses outside business. 写的时候没有想好怎么论述，所以就很笼统的说it is necessary

修改：For the students who major in business，a variety of courses outside business is necessary for them to apply their knowledge into different fields.

3、针对两个举得例子的问题，我全盘接收，因为我真的很不擅长举例，所以现阶段还是以模仿学习为主。谢谢老师提出的合适的例子。

4、students  majoring in literature

5、针对挑战自己的观点的问题，我一开始没有理解，以为提出一种不使用的情况或者例子就行，经老师点拨后，才发现要从一个新的角度，对以上两种情况都能提出反驳、异议，所以从时间占用上来说是可行的，不管学哪一科，时间占用问题都是存在的，对应的回应是：对专业课程以为的课程学习，可以允许学生只要达到及格就可以，或者在多门科目中，选取少量得分计入考察。时间问题，我暂时就不重写这一段了。

fishgoUID: 3607599

艾小卉 发表于 2015-5-27 22:04
我个人觉得商科的例子不是很合适，你既可以说多上一些课，比如沟通礼仪啊有好处，又可以说商科需要的更 ...

谢谢你的点评~
一开始给学科分类的时候，我也有过犹豫，到底分哪几类，我所了解的大概可以分为：理科、工科、文科、商科、艺术科、政法科，但对很多科目也不了解，所以也不敢乱写。
至于商科例子实在是想不出来有什么了，不过好像商科很注重实践，或许可以从实践上找找看。

fishgoUID: 3607599

71. The following is a letter to the editor of the Waymarsh Times.

"Traffic here in Waymarsh is becoming a problem. Although just three years ago a state traffic survey showed that the typical driving commuter took 20 minutes to get to work, the commute now takes closer to 40 minutes, according to the survey just completed. Members of the town council already have suggested more road building to address the problem, but as well as being expensive, the new construction will surely disrupt some of our residential neighborhoods. It would be better to follow the example of the nearby city of Garville. Last year Garville implemented a policy that rewards people who share rides to work, giving them coupons for free gas. Pollution levels in Garville have dropped since the policy was implemented, and people from Garville tell me that commuting times have fallen considerably. There is no reason why a policy like Garville's shouldn't work equally well in Waymarsh."

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
王老师的提纲：

According to the letter, Waymarsh should introduce a policy similar to that of Garville to encourage more drivers to share rides with others to solve a perceived traffic problem.  This policy will be better than the road building project proposed by the city council.  To evaluate this argument, we need more evidence about the surveys indicating the traffic problem, the policy implemented in Garville that is now proposed for Waymarsh, as well as its strengths and weaknesses relative to the road construction plan.  

To begin with, we need to examine the surveys more critically to decide if there is indeed a traffic problem in Waymarsh.
这里主要讨论调查对象可能不同以及问卷调查对象的报告是否可靠  也许交通并没有变差

In addition, we need to collect more information about how the policy has changed the traffic in Garville and how a similar policy will affect people’s behaviors in Waymarsh.  
这里主要关注政策是否真的在Garville 奏效 也许pollution减少另有原因 比如政府加强对工厂排污的管理  另外Garville的commute time是否真的减少了 仅凭和当地人谈话是否可靠
同时要讨论 gas coupon及share ride在Waymarsh是否被人接受 也许当地人都是土豪 不在乎那点钱 更关注隐私或安全问题   

Finally, we need to compare the cost and benefits of the ride sharing policy with the proposed road construction project.
修路虽然很贵 但是可以用50年 和补贴汽油50年的费用对比如何
对当地人的滋扰可以转化为经济补偿 再和补贴汽油的费用对比
总之需要定量数据来对比两种方案


In conclusion, while the proposed policy seems useful, we need to collect more information to address the issues discussed above to evaluate the soundness of the argument.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
作业内容：

According to the letter, Waymarsh should introduce a policy similar to that of Garville to encourage more drivers to share rides with others to solve a perceived traffic problem.  This policy will be better than the road building project proposed by the city council.  To evaluate this argument, we need more evidence about the surveys indicating the traffic problem, the policy implemented in Garville that is now proposed for Waymarsh, as well as its strengths and weaknesses relative to the road construction plan.

To begin with, we need to examine the surveys more critically to decide if there is indeed a traffic problem in Waymarsh. If most of people in the survey now take bus or ride to work to decrease environment pollution, while they drove to work three years ago, the time they need to get to work should increase. If the situation talked above is true, the survey is not reliable and we can not get the conclusion that traffic in Waymarsh is becoming a problem.

题目讲的就是drive 你怎么能扯到坐巴士呢
你还是去看看我的范文吧  


In addition, we need to collect more information about how the policy has changed the traffic in Garville and how a similar policy will affect people’s behaviors in Waymarsh. We need more evidence to make sure the policy really made a difference in Waymarsh. Maybe the drop in pollution level is due to the strict management about pollution, which means the policy did not effect.  Whats's more, whether the commute time have really fallen considerably is still a question, we don't know the people who claimed commute time have fallen is reliable or not. Besides, before we introduce a policy similar to that of Garville, we need evidence to ensure gas coupon and share ride are acceptable in Waymarsh. Maybe people in Waymarsh are rich enough and don't like to use gas coupon, or they are too conventional to accept share ride.

to make sure 你不是要确保某种结果  而是要看会有什么结果   
make a difference in Waymarsh? 你开什么玩笑啊 你搞清楚题目在说什么没啊   
Whats's more, whether the commute time have really fallen considerably is still a question, we don't know the people who claimed commute time have fallen is reliable or not. 断句
conventional ？

Finally, we need to compare the cost and benefits of the ride sharing policy with the proposed road construction project. Though it is expensive to build a road which we can use  50 years, it cost more to supply gas coupon for 50 years. The affection of road construction of neighborhoods can be offset by the combination of financial compensation and gas coupon, in this situation we need evidence to compare the expense between compensation and road construction.

affection ？
The affection of road construction of neighborhoods can be offset by the combination of financial compensation and gas coupon, in this situation we need evidence to compare the expense between compensation and road construction.  断句


In conclusion, while the proposed policy seems useful, we need to collect more information to address the issues discussed above to evaluate the soundness of the argument.

写了四十几分钟，感觉高频果然不是盖的，真是难写，而且还是在有提纲的前提下。。。。


我建议你去把我的范文认真读几遍。你的argument完全没入门。

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

fishgo 发表于 2015-5-28 19:45
71. The following is a letter to the editor of the Waymarsh Times.

"Traffic here in Waymarsh is b ...

已点评

ee_stoneUID: 3573213

fishgo 发表于 2015-5-28 19:45
71. The following is a letter to the editor of the Waymarsh Times.

"Traffic here in Waymarsh is b ...

According to the letter, Waymarsh should introduce a policy similar to that of Garville to encourage more drivers to share rides with others to solve a perceived traffic problem.  This policy will be better than the road building project proposed by the city council.  To evaluate this argument, we need more evidence about the surveys indicating the traffic problem, the policy implemented in Garville that is now proposed for Waymarsh, as well as its strengths and weaknesses relative to the road construction plan.

To begin with, we need to examine the surveys more critically to decide if there is indeed a traffic problem in Waymarsh. If most of people in the survey now take bus or ride to work to decrease environment pollution, while they drove to work three years ago, the time they need to get to work should increase. If the situation talked above is true, the survey is not reliable and we can not get the conclusion that traffic in Waymarsh is becoming a problem.

感觉题目里所提的survey对象应该都是typical driver, 不然他所提出的要更多的driver share rides也就更不成立了。这个可以咨询下王老师。
我的理解是可以讨论，driver的工作地点可能发生变化，导致路途长短不同，对两个survey的结果也会有很大的影响，那也不能说是交通堵塞的问题


In addition, we need to collect more information about how the policy has changed the traffic in Garville and how a similar policy will affect people’s behaviors in Waymarsh. We need more evidence to make sure the policy really made a difference in Waymarsh. Maybe the drop in pollution level is due to the strict management about pollution, which means the policy did not effect.  Whats's more, whether the commute time have really fallen considerably is still a question, we don't know the people who claimed commute time have fallen is reliable or not. Besides, before we introduce a policy similar to that of Garville, we need evidence to ensure gas coupon and share ride are acceptable in Waymarsh. Maybe people in Waymarsh are rich enough and don't like to use gas coupon, or they are too conventional to accept share ride.


to make sure the policy really made a difference in Waymarsh， 这里好像读上去不太顺，可以考虑 we need more evidence to validate whether the policy will play the same role in Waymarsh as well.
“which means the policy did not effect “ 或许改成 if that is the case, the reduced pollution has nothing to do with the policy implementation.
关于那些声称上班时间减少的人，　你好像还是没说清楚为什么不可靠，可以分析采样的数量是否具有代表性，或许被采访的人只是一小部分，不能代表整体的情况


Finally, we need to compare the cost and benefits of the ride sharing policy with the proposed road construction project. Though it is expensive to build a road which we can use  50 years, it cost more to supply gas coupon for 50 years. The affection of road construction of neighborhoods can be offset by the combination of financial compensation and gas coupon, in this situation we need evidence to compare the expense between compensation and road construction.

In conclusion, while the proposed policy seems useful, we need to collect more information to address the issues discussed above to evaluate the soundness of the argument.

“the affection” 感觉不适特别对，或许用“impact”是不是更好，不好意思，我有点纠结
“Though it is expensive to build a road which we can use  50 years, it cost more to supply gas coupon for 50 years.”王老师的提纲好像是要分析这种可能性，但你这样写，感觉就是事实。。。或许应该提下，文中缺少对于两种方案的预算数据，所以不能断定造路就一定更贵。

不知道我点评的对不对，你还是以王老师的为准哈。