艾小卉的5月作文帖

艾小卉UID: 3484633

晹城 发表于 2015-5-28 15:14
中间第一段：这个表述感觉有点像中式英语呀，“have relation with”, 而且“eagre”应该是eager吗？
另 ...

感谢修改，拼写错误的已订正。

你说的那个三年前commuter的地方，我想表达的是三年前他们住的地方距离公司近，但后来可能随着城市扩张等一些原因，他们搬到了更远的地方住，这样就没有可比性了（是我自己没有把这个地方讲清楚）

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

艾小卉 发表于 2015-5-28 10:46
5月28日更新   
               
                  Argument 71. The following is a letter to the edi ...

已点评

艾小卉UID: 3484633

占楼

艾小卉UID: 3484633

第一周小结：

1）你目前写issue和argument的开头有没有形成自己的套路？有没有什么困难？
   Issue:  对1+3模型有了一个初步的概念，但因为练习还不多，在最开始的分类步骤上有困难（也就是从哪三方面展开理解还不够）
   Argument: 模仿老师写了两三篇，老师范文的句型给我留下了很深刻的印象，在什么地方Strengthen, 如何Weaken，慢慢有了一点感觉


2）写issue的时候使用1+3模型有没有什么困难？其中包括写出有层次的主旨句以及呼应主旨句的主题句？

Issue练的较少所以对几种类型的题目还不是很熟悉，存在想到哪儿写到哪儿的问题，主旨句不突出


3）写argument的时候使用1+3模型有没有什么困难？其中包括写出有层次的主旨句以及呼应主旨句的主题句？

  感觉这个比Issue好一些。但在有些具体的点上，我的表达不清晰。老师的Arguemnt非常的充实详细，比如之前两者费用对比来判断哪个更好就给我留下了很深的印象


4）issue中间段选取例子和展开讨论例子方面有什么困难或心得体会？

  展开例子部分还是有点困难的，如果涉及我比较熟悉的领域，比如经济，就很好写。但如果涉及的是艺术或者政治，自己要想例子想很久。

5）argument的中间段展开有何心得体会？困难问题？
  要有条理的展开，不要想到哪儿写到哪儿。由之前受xdf模板的影响，所以一定要多揣摩老师的范文。另一方面，自己的语言表达有很大不足，看着老师的提纲写的时候有时候就变了翻译。学习老师的表达方式

6）tesolchina及其他同学的点评里，你最主要的收获有哪些？
     1. 首先：老师很认真，大概这是我第一次看到有一个老师这么认真地改学生的Issue和Arguement了
     2. 头脑风暴：每次写完后，我会再去看看别人的文章,看看他们是从哪些角度展开地。比如有一篇Argument里我知道了car pooling
     3.自己的不足之处：对于题目中提到的address challenge 重视不够
                              语言表达不足
                              加强文章逻辑性，段与段以及点与点之间如何联系起来，而不是孤立的例子
                              
7）本周写全文花了多长时间？25分钟写完全文有什么困难？
       具体没有计时，但是Issue花的时间还是很长的。25分钟写完的话，最担心的还是例子不够。

8）自己的病句属于哪些类型？打算如何改进？
        我的有些病句是典型的中式英语，下意识里还是先想中文然后翻译成英文。
        改进：每天看几篇老师的范文，学习表达方式
                从Eco等报刊上学习native english

9）博客274楼提到天下文章一大抄，并鼓励版友在多层面上借鉴tesolchina的范文。在这方面你有何心得体会？或者问题困难？
         心得体会： 如果能多借鉴老师的例子或者是表达方式的话，一方面可以节省时间，另一方面很大程度上比自己想的例子效果要好。
          问题：如果考试的时候写了老师的例子，会被ETS判抄袭吗？


2. 请往句子加油站订正这几天练习里出现的病句。
      晚上和作文一起订正

3. 请计算离自己考GRE作文还有多少天，并更新一下学习计划，包括打算写多少篇提纲及全文以及重点要解决的问题。
      如果和期末考试不冲突的话（7月10号考），还有40天， 老师每周的题目会详尽的写或者列提纲；另外，打算把老师的Argument都列一遍提纲，再和老师的比较，看看自己有哪些点没有想到，表达上有哪些可以改进的地方。
     Issue现在还不是很确定，但是希望把高频里不同类型的滑梯分别练一篇。

4. 请自由发挥一些励志鸡汤鸡血。

        楼上ee_stone的话让我觉得挺感动的。暑假接下来就是GRE和托福，出国不是一条好走的路，就像妈妈对我说的：“没有人可以陪你一辈子，所以你要学会自己一个人照顾自己，一个人更好的成长。”
         这段时间累的时候就会听听最初的梦想：
      
   

很高兴一路上我们的默契那么长/穿过风又绕个弯心还连着/像往常一样/最初的梦想紧握在手上/最想要去的地方/怎么能在半路就放

艾小卉UID: 3484633

修改Argument71  

   主要目标：学习老师的思路，理清逻辑关系，学会如何把中间段一层一层展开

To begin with, we need to examine the surveys more critically and assess the extent of the traffic problems. We need to collect more information about whether the participants in two respective surveys are comparable. Maybe the sample in one survey only included drivers who moved farther from their company in the past three years. Under such circumstance,  it is no doubt  that the drivers will spend more time on driving to work. In addition, it is important to look into the realibity of the data about the commute time reported in both surveys. There is possibility that the data is just approximate estimation from the drivers and  is not precise from the perspective of statistics. If the authors did not give more evidence to support the argument, the conclusion would be questionable. In that case, there is no need to introduce the proposed policy.

总结（参考来源：https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... amp;fromuid=3484633）
      

1 提出需要的证据
2 提出其他可能性
3 指出这种可能性成立对原论证的影响

      we need to examine the surveys more critically and assess the extent of the traffic problems. 回应题目的要求: 需要什么证据  

      Maybe the sample in one survey only included drivers who moved farther from their company in the past three years.  提出某种可能性

       Under such circumstance,  it is no doubt  that the drivers will spend more time on driving to work. 然后指出这种情况下会发生什么，往往是和原题相反或矛盾的情况  

       In addition, it is important to look into the realibity of the data about the commute time reported in both surveys. 再回应题目另一种需要的信息  

       There is possibility that the data is just approximate estimation from the drivers and  is not precise from the perspective of statistics.再提出其他可能性  

        If the authors did not give more evidence to support the argument, the conclusion would be questionable.指出这种可能性下 结论不成立

        In that case, there is no need to introduce the proposed policy.  最后呼应主题句，指出这个点和原文论证某个基础的关系

In addition, we need to collect more information about how the policy has improved the environment and traffic condition in Garville and how a similar policy will affect people’s behaviors in Waymarsh. The fact that pollution level dropped does not necessarily imply that the policy played important roles in reducing the amout of exhaust in Garville. Maybe adoption of new technology in factories function as an incentive to improve the environemnt  before the policy was introduced. Also, it is suspectable that the commuting time have decreased just on the basis of  anecdotal evidence that was collected through casual conversation with some people in Garville. More systematic data collection is necessary to evaluate the effectiveness of the policy. Meanwhile, we do not know how will the similiar policy affect people's behaviors in Waymarsh. Maybe people in Waymarsh pay more attention to privacy and safety problems .Lisewise,  maybe some drivers don't care about money and are willing to show off their luxury cars. Unless we know more about Waymarsh drivers and residents attitudes  toward the policy, we cannot make sure whether the policy will be work well in Waymarsh.



   注意：
         老师点评：

不要说conclusion不对 而应该说可能不对

   

逻辑分析：

The fact that pollution level dropped does not necessarily imply that the policy played important roles in reducing the amout of exhaust in Garville.
The fact that ... does not necessarily imply that ... 的句型还是挺有用的   
这里是质疑原题对某个事实潜在的诠释

Maybe adoption of new technology in factories function as an incentive to improve the environemnt  before the policy was introduced.
这句提出其他可能性  

Also, it is suspectable that the commuting time have decreased just on the basis of  anecdotal evidence that was collected through casual conversation with some people in Garville
这里质疑原题中的证据的可靠性

More systematic data collection is necessary to evaluate the effectiveness of the policy.
提出需要更多的数据

Meanwhile, we do not know how will the similiar policy affect people's behaviors in Waymarsh.
提出另一个问题  开始回应主题句中how a similar policy will affect people’s behaviors in Waymarsh.

Maybe people in Waymarsh pay more attention to privacy and safety problems .
提出其他可能性  

Lisewise,  maybe some drivers don't care about money and are willing to show off their luxury cars.  
再提出其他可能性

nless we know more about Waymarsh drivers and residents attitudes  toward the policy, we cannot make sure whether the policy will be work well in Waymarsh.
总结第二点  

第三段明天改
.

艾小卉UID: 3484633

6月1日 Issue 7

Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure that the arts can flourish and be available to all people. Others believe that government funding of the arts threatens the integrity of the arts.

Write a response in which you discuss which view more closely aligns with your own position and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should address both of the views presented.

这篇写了约一个多小时（包括中间找一些例子），主要思路按照老师的那篇范文来的，不足之处还请老师指正。

看到你说中途找例子 -我专门更新了博客  
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=1777232&page=26#pid1779530493  



In the present society, the artists can no longer guarantee the cultural prosperity and the public availability of art only by themselves. Some people argue that the government funding of the arts can function as an incentive to improve the artists’ enthusiasm and attract more people to enjoy arts. Others concern that government funding will threaten the integrity of the arts as arts is not profiable and money will make disorientaion towards this field. In my opinion, therefore, establishment of an independent committee which makes judicial assesment of the allocation of funds can benefit the artists, the ordinary people and the development of arts field.

我也建议你不写引文算了  
concern that表达
In my opinion前面那些都不是你的观点？  
那你的观点层次在哪里？



To begin with, government funding can increase the artists’ enthusiasm by improving their living conditions. Take many unknown and young artists,for example, 断句they don’t attract (too) much public attention and cannot earn a living only by selling their artworks. Without enough financial support, they may give up the art career at the beginning. If the governemnt does not support the young artists and promote their works to the public, not only will the artists lose inspiration of creative work, but the public will also not be familiar with some artists with great potential. In addition, it is an undisputed fact that many of the greatest artworks could not have come into being without the support of the prevailing economic elite. That is to say, there would have been no Taj Ma hal in Agra, no Ankor Wat in Siem Reap and no Summer Palace in China without the contribution of powerful, wealthy patrons.

In addition的内容和主题句没有关联 甚至和题目没有关联


这一段写完后回顾了一下，不太确定例子用的是否合适。著名建筑应该也算arts中重要的分支吧。但我也觉得从artists 跳到greatest works是不是中间缺少过渡？

On the other hand, it is reasonable to worry that the government funding may threaten the integrity of the arts. It is known that art is a vital and persistent aspect of human experience, which include both kind and ugly sides of the society. If artworks contain political meanings and challenge the authority of rulling elite, the government may prevent its development but support other arts that help propagate the country’s political thoughts. Under such circumstance, the integrity of arts will definitely be destroyed.  For example, Bei Dao, the most notable representative of the Misty Poets, reacted against the restriction of the Cultural Revolution and then was expelled from China. Likewise,  even nowadays, many artists who are unsatisfied with the Comminist Part actually have no freedom and the integrity of arts is nowhere to find in China.

other arts- other art project
感觉对艺术的具体化很不够  
例子和后面的论述不涉及 financial support   



Given the dilemma between the need of government funding on the one hand and the threat of to the integrity of arts on the other, I think that the best solution is to establish an independent committee that distributes government funding in a politically neutral way. The members of the committee should be produced by fair elections among the artists and government officials. The artists can assess the artworks from artitstic value and then decide how much should be sponsored to the artists. The main role of government officials is mutual supervision with the artists, proventing power corrutpion. In this way, the independent committee will give judicial financial support to the artists without any threat to the integrity of the arts.

produced by fair elections选词  
from artitstic value - based on ...
how much should be sponsored选词  
mutual supervision ？





这段开头感觉还是按照老师的句式写更好，Given the tension/conflict/dilemma between……， I think……

In conclusion, I believe that establishing an independent committee is beneficial for artistis, ordinary people as well as the prosperity of the arts. By the supervision among the committee members and the judicial allocation of the funds, the concern of arts integrity will be addressed.

晹城UID: 3586536

艾小卉 发表于 2015-6-1 18:41
6月1日 Issue 7

Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure tha ...

我来点评下~有不合适的地方还望见谅。
Para.1

In my opinion, therefore, establishment of an independent committee which makes judicial assesment of the allocation of funds can benefit the artists, the ordinary people and the development of arts field.

这句之前，只是罗列了两方面的观点，并没有提出你支持一方的原因，所以直接用“therefore”感觉怪怪的。
另外，这一段应该还是需要和下一段的主题句呼应一下。(ts1)

Para.3

It is know that art is a vital and persistent aspect of human experience, which include both kind and ugly sides of the society.

It is known
另外，persistent在这里是什么意思啊？
这个例子感觉稍稍有点偏……好像已经不是不资助的问题了
还有就是最后一句感觉有点偏激……我个人观点呃

Para.5
最后一段的总结感觉比较侧重 对于threaten integrity问题的解决。个人认为也应该提一下the necessary of government funding

艾小卉UID: 3484633

第二周： 关于提前构思和限时写作

引自老师的博客:      https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... amp;fromuid=3484633

   从一开始就要限时写作。这里的关键是提前花时间构思。GRE预先公开题库的目的就是给大家机会提前思考这些题目，因此我们完全可以从容的思考，不仅要按照1+3模型想好基本的观点和分论点，还要考虑清楚每个分论点在中间段如何展开，用什么例子。这个构思的过程不是线性的，而是有波折的。只有当你考虑到中间段如何展开时，你才会发现你的论点、分论点可能并不靠谱。因为一个靠谱的论点及分论点不仅要符合题目、能站得住脚，更重要的是你的语言能够表达清楚并能找到合适的例子。所以构思的过程是漫长而痛苦的。最后很有可能找不到合适的思路和例子，这时勉强去写只会浪费时间。正确的做法是去看我的博客2楼链接到各道题的讨论以及我的范文，借鉴我的思路和例证，然后重新构思。

一旦构思好了，25分钟内写出全文应该是不难的。如果写不出来，只能说明你的构思超越了你的英语写作表达能力，这时你必须简化你的构思。而写的时候，我建议按以下的步骤：

1. 写出含有三个分论点的主旨句。
2. 根据主旨句写出中间三段的主题句。
3. 在主题句下面写出几个关键词，提醒自己中间段展开时要用到的概念和例子。
4. 写开头段主旨句前的引言。
5. 写各个中间段。
6. 写结尾。

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

艾小卉 发表于 2015-6-1 18:41
6月1日 Issue 7

Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure tha ...

已评~

艾小卉UID: 3484633

6月2号 Argument 1)

Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only in the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea and therefore were believed to have been made only by the Palean people. Recently, however, archaeologists discovered such a 'Palean' basket in Lithos, an ancient village across the Brim River from Palea. The Brim River is very deep and broad, and so the ancient Paleans could have crossed it only by boat, and no Palean boats have been found. Thus it follows that the so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean.
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.


总时间：45min。
自我点评： 之前大概花了10分钟审题加写主旨句和主题句，第一点写的比较顺利，第二三点在展开上遇到了一点困难
               第二点展开：当时只想到了船可能随着时间的流逝踪迹难寻了，但没有想到bridge
               第三点展开：主要问题在于自己当时对Palean baskets的理解不对，第一反应是将两个地方的baskets做对比，写到中间一看题目，发现这两个地方都是palean baskets啊，于是重写！(考前熟悉题库的重要性）

这说明你提前准备不够充分。一定要尽快做到25分钟写完。

According to the argument, the so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean. To evaluate this argument, we need more specific evidence about geographical and meterological environment at that time, probable ways to cross the river and the characteristis of the woven baskets.
这个开头够简洁


To begin with, we need to know more about the geographical enviroment in prehistory times. Maybe the Brim River was shallow and narrow at that time. Under such circumstance, people in Palea can wade acorss the river to the other side and trading of the baskets between Palea and Lithos is a real possibility. 时态Also, it is important to look into the meterological conditions in this area. If this region experienced a serious drought thousands of years ago, people could walk across the riverbed, and the conclusion based on the evidence was questionable. Unless we know more about the geological and meterological conditions in this area, we cannot be sure whether the baskets in Palea and Lithos were different.


whether the baskets in Palea and Lithos were different这个结论和题目好像不同
总的来说写得不错  
感觉有些句型挺眼熟？



In addition, we need to collect more information about the probablitiy of crossing the river in some other ways. The fact that no Palean boats have been found does not necessarily imply that no boats were available. Maybe the materials of boat decayed with time elasping, and boat accessories were burried in the riverbed. In that case, more evidence about boatbuilding is needed to evaluate the soundness of the arguemnt. Meanwhile, we do not know whether people in Palea would take some other ways, such as crossing the river with a rope. Likewise, maybe people in two villages built a bridge together. So, more evidence about the materials of boats, ropes or the vestiges of bridges is needed to support the argument.

probablitiy -possiblity/ likelihood
你主题句后面紧接着讲的内容和主题句是不相关的  一直到Meanwhile才开始讲主题句的内容  
之前的内容可以另起一段  


Finally, we need to make clear about the woven baskets’ characteristics. It is true that the baskets in two palces are nearly the same with regard to their materials, sizes and shapes. Maybe the basket was made of low-density materials and accidently drifted from Palea to Lithos. Unless we have more quantitative data about the physical characteristics of the woven baskets and prove that people in Lithos imitated baskets from Palea, it is difficult for us to get the results that the so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean.

make clear about表达 -往句子加油站
主题句的内容没有很好地回应题目  
We need to know more about the ... in order to decide ...
这里提到imitate是几个意思  感觉题目没有 然后你也没有展开  

感觉总的来说写得还可以 中间第三段弱一些

In conclusion, it is difficult for us to decide that the so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean. We need to collect more information to evaluate the soundness of the argument.

自己还要加强时间训练

艾小卉UID: 3484633

晹城 发表于 2015-6-1 21:13
我来点评下~有不合适的地方还望见谅。
Para.1
这句之前，只是罗列了两方面的观点，并没有提出你支持一方 ...

谢谢，你改得好认真。对比了一下和老师的开头，发现我的文章第一段在In my opinion之前的确是对题目的重复。那是不是我应该先讲一下我支持哪一方，然后再写therefore以及三个主旨句更好？

第三个例子写着写着就和资助没关系了，修改的时候重写。

KssandraUID: 2766998

艾小卉 发表于 2015-6-2 10:36
6月2号 Argument 1)

Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previous ...

Unless we know more about the geological and meterological conditions in this area, we cannot be sure whether the baskets in Palea and Lithos were different.

第一段是讨论的古代地质和气候对河流情况的影响，可是最后一句话的后一半却说是不是两种篮子是不同的“whether the baskets in Palea and Lithos were different”，好像没有回应主题句？看到这里觉得好像突然转变了话题。

第二段也有类似的感觉，主题句说的是“排除其他可能性”，我的理解是排除除了造船以外的其他可能性（比如用绳子过河）。但是这一段的第一部分还是在讲可能是有过船的，只是暂时还没有找到船的证据，感觉好像是在把两个点糅在一起写了？或许是我理解主题句不对~

...it is difficult for us to get the results that the so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean.

第三段最后一句话感觉把result换成conclusion会好一点？


觉得你的段落和句子结构都很清晰很好懂，赞一个~

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

艾小卉 发表于 2015-6-2 10:36
6月2号 Argument 1)

Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previous ...

已评

艾小卉UID: 3484633

6月3日   Issue 62

Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.


审题加提纲：10min
剩下的部分： 40min（又超时了！！）

我的最初思路是分为内因和外因
                        外部因素： Demands placing on people
                        内部因素： Individual charismas， capabilities

  主要困难     1. 看到题目的第一感觉就是不清楚怎么分类，题目有点抽象
不清楚如何分类就应该看范文和之前的讨论

                  2.Ts1的例子耗时较长，主要问题在于我还是不太会怎么将例子围绕主题句展开
没有想好如何展开就不应该动笔
                  3.Ts3写的时候很纠结，不知道是该举人物的例子还是具体描述一下三个特点

Is a leader’s creation primarily depended on the demands placing on him? I concede that the demands for leadership can promote the emergency of heroes in some special times, yet, in my opinion, there are some other factors that play important roles in creating a leader. The aspects include capability and person’s own charisma.

这篇基本废掉了 因为你没有正面回应题目Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them
尤其是created这个词  
这道题不分情况讨论基本就是死路一条


To begin with, the demands for leadership can function as an incentive to create a leader. It is known that one should first get power before become a leader. But how to get the power? 这不是句子  Back to most of the political events in history, demands is the answer. Take French Revolution as an example, long before Napoleon Bonaparte stood out as an extrodinary leader, there had been demands of saving the French governemnt from collapse and rising to prominence in European countries. In that case, leaders like Napoleon Bonaparte were created to lead France against a series of coalitions in the Revolutionary Wars and conquering most of the continental Europe. Just as Napoleon said,” A leader is a dealer in hope.” Without the demands of ordinary people and the whole society, he could not have grown up to be such a great leader.

demand as incentive这个搭配很诡异



In addition to the external factors above, it is capabilities that ultimately lead to the power of a leader. Having high educational background, strong reasoning ability and interpersonal skills indicates that one has the qualifications to be a leader, especially in academic circles. For example, in order to be a leader in philosophy field, one must hold a Phd in study, publish influential papers on a top journal and learn to be a good decision-maker. Usually, he or she must have the firmness and willpower to stick to each decision as well as the flexibity to change directions when the initial judgement is not right. Meanwhile, leaders are often required to articulate their ideas in public and attract people’s attention. Without these internal factors, a leader cannot be creately only by demands for leadership.

这段基本离题
全篇都没有提到demand  
be creately ?


On the other hand, leadership is positively related to a person’s own charisma, such as self-confidence, integrity and persistence in pursuit of goals. Self-confidence is the ability to ensure one’s competencies and skills. People with integrity also inspire confidence in a team because they adhere to the priciples and take responsibility for their actions. When it comes to persistence in goals, it is a prerequisite for others to believe that you can make a difference. In other words, these quilities all contribute to the possibility of creating a leader.


In conclusion, the creating of a leader is not only related to the demands placing on people, but also resulted from the internal factors such as individual capabilities and charisma.

写完后觉得Kssandra按不同领域分类很好，很值得借鉴。

这是唯一的出路
感觉这道题再次暴露了正反论证阴魂不散

艾小卉UID: 3484633

艾小卉 发表于 2015-6-2 10:36
6月2号 Argument 1)

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谢谢老师点评，因为我在具体展开的时候有时候忘了围绕主题句写，所以现在训练自己通过借鉴argument71的分析结构，一层一层展开。。。所以看上去很眼熟