艾小卉的5月作文帖

tesolchinaUID：2191404

艾小卉 发表于 2015-6-3 17:11
6月3日   Issue 62

Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.

已点评 这篇基本废掉了 sorry

dingkaUID：2453299

艾小卉 发表于 2015-6-3 17:11
6月3日   Issue 62

Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.

不好意思楼上同学，回家晚了，来看你的作文的时候王老师已经点评了。

艾小卉UID：3484633

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-3 22:46
已点评 这篇基本废掉了 sorry

谢谢老师点评，这两天我再好好想一下这篇Issue怎么分类

艾小卉UID：3484633

2015年6月4日   Argument 14

The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.

"A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. These results suggest that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night."

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

用中文分析感觉思路更清晰：

Assumption分析：
（1）适用性：广告公司的情况适用于所有公司
（2）高管的情况适用于所有工作人员
（3）高管每天睡眠不足六小时是公司发展快的主要原因
（4）每天睡眠六小时没有坏处

针对上面每一点的削弱：
（1）广告公司可能是因为工作量大，而其他公司的工作量不一定有那么大
（2）高管要比普通员工付出更多，所以睡眠时间段
（3）其他原因：生产效率高、市场行情好、垄断没有竞争者、技术先进
（4）每天睡六小时可能导致睡眠不足，效率低。在生产加工行业容易引发事故

写作时间：大约四十五分钟，TS1写的还挺顺的，但是中间有同学找我说了十分钟的话。。。。
感觉的确应该把整个思路想好再下笔，包括细节部分。有些的地方的表达“抄”了老师的，比如generalisability, 不然我可能会用whether 开头的很长的从句

补充：我看到题目里的survey想到的第一点点是三百个人的调查数据是否有问题，样本过小或者选择不具有客观性，但后来想到上一次这么写好像被老师批判了，所以最后没有用这个点

从@Kssandra 的文章里学到的： 1. assumption与relationship 不搭配（这个问题我之前也犯过）
                                           2. 见到survey 就question sampling不是很好
                                           3. 由于结论的不确定性，所以要用情态动词may


The study recommended hiring people who need less sleep per night in order to have higher profit margins and faster growth. A number of assumptions about the generalisability of the result, the universal applicability of the surveys of executives, the causes of better development in firms whose executives need less sleep and harmlessness of less sleep have to be reexamined in order to evaluate the argument.

To begin with, it is assumed that the survey result of the advertising firms can be applied to other industries. This assumption has to be carefully examined as the advertising firms might have more workloads everyday, while some other industries,such as manufacturing, might have longer production cycle and don’t need long-time working hours. If the work in the advertsing films is related to drawing, tablet designing or other time-consuming projects in advertisements, the executives are more likely to devote more time to work. Under this circumstance, the study results may not be suitable for other businesses.

In addition, the assumption about the universal applicability of the surveys of executives may not hold true. There are many factor that may affect the amout of sleep of the executives in advertising business. For example, facing more pressure, the executives have a higher level of responsibility and workloads. Or some executives hold the shares in the company, hoping for a better tomorrow, may try their best to make contributions to the advertising firms.But other employees in the company only need do their own job well and will not spend so much time on work compared with the executives.

The third assumption implicitly made is that less sleep of the executives is the main reason for better development in the advertsing films.  Even if less sleep of executives can improve the management responsibility, this rule may not guarantee the higher profit. There could other factors that may contribute to the faster growth of the firms. For example, the advertising firm has stepped into new rising period and there is not too many competitiors in the market. Or the cutting-edge technology is applied to advertisements design and improve production efficiengy.  If the assumption that less sleep results in better development does not hold, the recommendation should not be accepted.

Finally, it is also assumed that less sleep a day is harmless and this way is worth promoting. Maybe just a small part of people can tolerate less than six hours sleep at night. It’s important for us to look into the negative impact of inadequte sleep on employees in the long run. If lack of sleep result in reduction of the production efficiency and increase of on-the-job accidents, especially in manufacturing, it will not benefit the normal operation of a company.

In conclusion, we need more information to strengthen the assumption, such as the the generalisability of the result , factors account for faster growth and higher profit in advertising firms and impact of less sleep on employees in the long term in order to evaluate the soundness of the assumption.

ee_stoneUID：3573213

艾小卉 发表于 2015-6-5 00:02
2015年6月4日   Argument 14

The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.

弱弱地来点评了，我觉得如果考场上能写出四个论点，已经很强了。先赞一个！
下面是我自己的一些看法，还是已老师的为准哈。

感觉第二个论点你是想说，由于公司内所担任的职位不同，不能把Executive的动作量等同于所有的同事。从而来质疑作者的结论。但好像缺了一句总结。

第三个论点中 “improve the management responsibility”, 感觉表达好像不太对
这个切入点我很认同，但是你这里指出的没有很多竞争者，或许还可以表达的更清楚些。因为原文中提到的是调查对象都是Mentian advertising executives，我的理解是一个地方的广告业，但有些成功有些不成功，suppose都在一个市场竞争，但你可以指出或许有些广告公司开发了新兴的海外市场，或二三线市场，需要更多的trip，导致睡眠很少，但并不是睡眠少带来的公司成功。。。（我不知道这个思路对不对，你还是参考老师的点评哈）

艾小卉UID：3484633

[quote]艾小卉 发表于 2015-6-5 00:02
2015年6月4日   Argument 14

The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.

"A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. These results suggest that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night."

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

句子	学生自评	内容点评	语言点评
The study recommended hiring people who need less sleep per night in order to have higher profit margins and faster growth.	概括结论和理由
A number of assumptions about the generalisability of the result, the universal applicability of the surveys of executives, the causes of better development in firms whose executives need less sleep and harmlessness of less sleep have to be reexamined in order to evaluate the argument.	主旨句		survey和前面的词搭配   harmlessness 选词
To begin with, it is assumed that the survey result of the advertising firms can be applied to other industries.	主题句1
This assumption has to be carefully examined as the advertising firms might have more workloads everyday, while some other industries,such as manufacturing, might have longer production cycle and don’t need long-time working hours.	提出某种可能性	这里提出的可能性和前面的假设 没有很明显的关联（衔接与连贯问题）
If the work in the advertsing films is related to drawing, tablet designing or other time-consuming projects in advertisements, the executives are more likely to devote more time to work.	指出有其他可能性	问题同上 没有和主题句紧密结合
Under this circumstance, the study results may not be suitable for other businesses.	这种可能性下的结果	问题同上
In addition, the assumption about the universal applicability of the surveys of executives may not hold true.	主题句2
There are many factor that may affect the amout of sleep of the executives in advertising business.	指出有其他原因	也是和主题句的衔接有问题
For example, facing more pressure, the executives have a higher level of responsibility and workloads.	举例说明	由于主题句没有解释清楚 读到这里也很模糊
Or some executives hold the shares in the company, hoping for a better tomorrow, may try their best to make contributions to the advertising firms.	另一种可能性	这个点不太合适	hoping for a better tomorrow 这是什么意思
But other employees in the company only need do their own job well and will not spend so much time on work compared with the executives.	对可能性的进一步解释	（发现自己这一段 少了小结！！）  感觉你是说executives are more motivated than ordinary employees 你的问题是有些话没有说出来 自己明白但是读者不明白啊
The third assumption implicitly made is that less sleep of the executives is the main reason for better development in the advertsing films.	主题句3	这个句子就比前面两个写得好   你能找到差别么
Even if less sleep of executives can improve the management responsibility, this rule may not guarantee the higher profit.	对主题句的进一步解释	这句解释有点奇怪 其实你直接跳到下句还好些呢	rule这里指代不明
There could other factors that may contribute to the faster growth of the firms.	提出由其他可能性
Or the cutting-edge technology is applied to advertisements design and improve production efficiengy.	另一种可能性	感觉这个可能性不是很靠谱 突然 扯到technology让人有点摸不着头脑
If the assumption that less sleep results in better development does not hold, the recommendation should not be accepted.	小结本段
Finally, it is also assumed that less sleep a day is harmless and this way is worth promoting.	主题句4		less sleep a day- requiring less sleep
Maybe just a small part of people can tolerate less than six hours sleep at night.	提出某种可能性	这个说法和题目是不相符的 题目说的是要请只需要少量睡眠的人
It’s important for us to look into the negative impact of inadequte sleep on employees in the long run.	基于假设需要补充的信息	我的范文说的是这些人可能会迫使手下加班熬夜之类的
If lack of sleep result in reduction of the production efficiency and increase of on-the-job accidents, especially in manufacturing, it will not benefit the normal operation of a company.	这种可能性带来的后果
In conclusion, we need more information to strengthen the assumption, such as the the generalisability of the result , factors account for faster growth and higher profit in advertising firms and impact of less sleep on employees in the long term in order to evaluate the soundness of the assumption.	小结全文

感觉你的中间段在内容连贯方面还有待改进 不知道你对这种表格的反馈感觉如何  

你可以尝试把我的这篇范文也做成一个表格分析一下 体会一下有什么区别

艾小卉UID：3484633

艾小卉 发表于 2015-6-3 23:23
谢谢老师点评，这两天我再好好想一下这篇Issue怎么分类

修改Issue 62

暂时占楼

艾小卉UID：3484633

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-2 22:55
已评

老师，我参照@锤先森G330的批改格式对Argument14进行了自我批改，编辑的不是很好，但比原来要直观很多。还请老师过目。
36楼：  
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... amp;fromuid=3484633

tesolchinaUID：2191404

艾小卉 发表于 2015-6-6 14:45
老师，我参照@锤先森G330的批改格式对Argument14进行了自我批改，编辑的不是很好，但比原来要直观很多。 ...

已按这个模式点评

无敌浩克OneUID：3605802

艾小卉 发表于 2015-6-6 13:47
[quote]艾小卉 发表于 2015-6-5 00:02
2015年6月4日   Argument 14

好方法学起来！

艾小卉UID：3484633

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-6 15:31
已按这个模式点评

谢谢老师点评，明后天对范文作表格分析

艾小卉UID：3484633

6月8日 Issue28/113

Claim: The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists.

Reason: The surest indicator of a great nation is actually the welfare of all its people.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.

句子	学生自评	内容点评	语言点评
I do not agree with the claim and the reason in the statement, as we do not have a clear definiton of a great nation.	我的观点	没有清晰定义不是你不同意的原因啊
I believe that great nations are those that has made significant impact in the contemporary world or made long-lasting contributions to human’s economics, politics, and culture in the history.	定义
Considering a comprehensive understanding of greatness, I would first analyze why the indicator of a great nation is not the welfare of all its people.	主旨句	你怎么能自诩自己的定义是comprehsensive呢
Maybe these high welfare states have rich natural resources and small population, which cannot represent great contributions to the humankind.	提出某种可能性		represent前后词的搭配
Then I will take some contemporarty and historical examples to illustrate that the achievements of elites are better indicators of a great nation.	主旨句	signposting用的不错
Para 1
To begin with, even though the high welfare can improve people’s happiness index, the general welfare of all its people cannot gurantee the greatness of a nation.	主题句		high welfare搭配
Some countries, such as Iceland and Denmark, have abundant resources and a small population.	举例
In that case, people can easily be provided with perfect medical treatment, pension and education.	解释
It’s possible that the nation have little impact in current world pattern or the development of humankind.	其他可能性
Unless these good welfare countries make long-lasting contributions in the world history, they do not deserve the recognition of great nations.	本段小结

good welfare countries 表达 recognition as great nations

这两段都写得不错  
用到了下定义及signposting的技巧
第二段如果能更明确的回应definition会更好

tesolchinaUID：2191404

艾小卉 发表于 2015-6-8 22:57
6月8日 Issue28/113

Claim: The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its r ...

已点评

艾小卉UID：3484633

6.9  Argument 78

78) The following appeared in a memo from the vice president of a food distribution company with food storage warehouses in several cities.
Recently, we signed a contract with the Fly-Away Pest Control Company to provide pest control services at our fast-food warehouse in Palm City, but last month we discovered that over $20,000 worth of food there had been destroyed by pest damage. Meanwhile, the Buzzoff Pest Control Company, which we have used for many years, continued to service our warehouse in Wintervale, and last month only $10,000 worth of the food stored there had been destroyed by pest damage. Even though the price charged by Fly-Away is considerably lower, our best means of saving money is to return to Buzzoff for all our pest control services.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.



According to the memo, the food distribution company should choose Buzzoff rather than Fly-Away as their fast-food warehouse. （观点概括）To evaluate the argument, we need more specific evidence about past performance and environment of two warehouses, as well as detailed costs of pest control and projected loss. （主旨句）

主旨句还是借鉴老师的，自己原先想的不太好

To begin with, we need to collect more information about the past performance of two warehouses.（主题句1）。Maybe the total amout of food stored at two warehouses is different.（其他可能性） Under such circumstance, we can assess the percentage of the food destroyed by pest damage and then compare the efficiency of pest control services of two warehouses.（后果） In addition, it is important to look into the food types found at two warehouses.（其他可能性） Maybe there are more vegetables and fruit at the warehouse in Palm City, which are vulnerable to pest damage. Unless we know more about the total value of food and the food type at two warehouses, we cannot be sure that the efficiency of Buzzoff is more effective. （本段小结）
你应该指出由于总量未必相同 仅仅比较绝对损失是不准确的

In addition, we need more evidence to show that the environment of two warehouses are similar enough to make a comparison on pest control. （主题句2）It’s possible the external environment of the warehouse in Palm City is rainy and humid, which provides pests a good habitat. Meanwhile, we do not know the internal environment at the warehouses. Maybe buzzoff has better ventilation facilities and keep dry and clean all year around. （其他可能性）In that case, more systematic data about the external and internal environment is necessary to evaluate the effectiveness of the comparison. （小结）

Maybe buzzoff has better ventilation facilities and keep dry and clean all year around这个点有问题 因为通风干燥不就是Pest control服务的一部分么 我们需要探索这些公司无法控制的因素对控虫表现的影响  




Finally, we need more information about the detailed costs of pest control and projected loss.（主题句3） Other costs such as human resources and transportation cost should also be taken into account. （可能性） With more detailed information about the prices and other costs, we can then make an accurate comparison and decide which company could provide the least costly services.（小结）



总的来说写得不错

雲靉玥UID：2888572

艾小卉 发表于 2015-6-9 22:55
6.9  Argument 78

78) The following appeared in a memo from the vice president of a food distribu ...

同学不好意思，我来看的时候老师已经点评过了。。。
我觉得总体写的很好，唯一想说的就是断手第一句不知道是不是你没写完，这个memo是要决定用哪个公司做灭虫服务而不是选仓库。
另外，不知道是不是我想多了，感觉应该在你提出可能性之后写出会导致的后果（扣论点）。比如第二个论点你说P城可能比较湿润虫子比较好活，而这个结果会weaken还是strengthen题目的argument呢？