艾小卉的5月作文帖

艾小卉UID：3484633

5月26日开始参加2015年AW暑期同主题练习

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英语学习背景

非英语专业

2014年GRE一战作文3分

下次GRE考试时间：7月10日


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授权声明

本人为寄托ID：艾小卉的持有人，现通过寄托论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究，在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本帖中本人的习作及互改记录做教学与科研用途。

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艾小卉UID：3484633

目录

         

Loc	Date	题材分类	题目	点评状态	修改状态
Week 4
53楼	6/19		Argument 53	未点评	Version 1.0
51楼	6/18	行为	Issue 122提纲	已点评	Version 1.0
50楼	6/16		Argument 15	已点评	Version 1.0
49楼	6/15	法律	Issue 65全文	未点评	Version 1.0
Week 3
47楼	6/12		Argument 28全文	已点评	Version 1.0
46楼	6/11	行为	Issue 33全文	未点评	Version 1.0
44楼	6/9		Arguemnt 78全文	已点评	Version 1.0
42楼	6/8	社会	Issue 113 提纲	已点评	Version 1.0
Week 2
36楼	6/4		Argument 14	已点评	Version 2.0
29楼	6/3	Leaders 未分类	Issue 62	已点评	未修改
25楼	6/2		Argument 1	已点评	Version 2.0
21楼	6/1	社会	Issue 7	已点评	Version 2.0
Week 1
14楼	5/28		Argument 71	已点评	Version 2.0
10楼	5/27	教育	Issue 13	已点评	Version 1.0
3楼	5/26		Argument 32	已点评	Version 2.0

   红色字体是老师点评部分

艾小卉UID：3484633

Argument (2015/5/26)

32) The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.
       During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. Experts say that significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Quiot and thereby increase productivity, we should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep.

        Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

----------------------------------------------分界线------------------------------------------------

Assumptions
列出argument的结论和主要证据

结论： In order to reduce on-the-job accidents and increase productivity, Quiot Manufacturing should shorten work shifts and provide employees with adequate sleep.

证据1： the number of on-the-job accidents is 30 percent more than the Panoply Industries plant, and shift hours are longer

证据2：Experts suggest that the contributing factors are fatigue and sleep deprivation.

证据3：Adequate amounts of sleep will guarantee the improvement of prodcitivity

我觉得这样分一下还是好些吧；你觉得呢？

----------------------------------------------题目练习分界线------------------------------------------------

thesis:
      According to the vice president of Quito Manufacturing, in order to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents, the Manufacturing should shorten work shifts and provide employees with adequate sleep. Compared to the Panoply Industries plant, the results of the on-the-job accidents mainly attribute to fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers.To assess this assumption, we need to examine critically a number of assumptions about the working environments, time required to adequate sleep and  whether decrease in shift hours will lead to the increase in employees' sleep.

To assess this assumption- evaluate the argument


ts1: the first piece of assumption that we need to evaluate is information about working environments in QM. It is possible that the factory euipments are in poor conditions. For example, if we have assumption that the out-dated facilities may hurt workers during the production link,it would definitely weaken the vice president's argument. 从另一方面看，根据马斯洛需求原理，人类需求首先需要满足生理需求和安全需求，才能实现长足发展。而生理需求和安全需求又是多方面的，除了足够的睡眠，工厂为员工提供的饮食、健康保障、尊重都对生产率的提高有着至关重要的影响。QM有可能食堂伙食不好，或者是管理松散，导致on-the-job accidents 频发。

这里的搭配有问题 assumption is information不对
我觉得提马斯洛很扯
环境只是导致意外的一个因素  还有其他因素 因此这不能作为全段的中心




ts2:  Another piece of evidence involves the exact judgements of the expert's analysis. 专家的话是否可信，并没有直接的数据或者实验显示QM的工人缺少睡眠，有可能accidents 发生数量与两家工厂所从事工作的风险有关，QM生产过程由于更复杂，生产时间长，工人所承受的风险也更大。而减少working shifts不仅不能提高生产效率，反而会使工人为了在更短的时间内完成与原来一样的业务量而更加仓促，因此风险更大。

你看清楚这道题是关于assumption的 不是evidence

ts3: In order to fully evluate this argument, we also need to learn more about  what will the employers do at their spare time, namely, with the decrease of working shifts, many people may not get more sleep since they have their own choices. 工作时间减少不一定会带来睡眠时间的增加，年轻人可能会和朋友一起出去聚会，中年人可能会再第二份工以增加家庭收入。在这种情况下，人们的精力更加分散，上班是的效率也不会提高。

这段干脆不提assumption了 要紧扣题目要求啊

建议你看我的范文如何组织和措辞

晹城UID：3586536

艾小卉 发表于 2015-5-26 11:49
Argument (2015/5/26)

32) The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufac ...

开头段说得比较清楚，也借鉴了王老师的表述。比较fully developed。

ts1中：

It is impossible that the factory euipments are in poor conditions.

这里应该是笔误，it is possible吧？
另外，感觉这里用马斯洛理论稍稍显得生硬，因为这里要说的其实无关工人的长远发展。

ts2中：

Another piece of evidence involves the exact judgements of the expert's analysis.

这句的表达好像不是特别清楚，想要说，专家给出的分析是值得质疑的，the exact judgements换个表达是不是会更清楚一些。

ts3：

In order to fully evluate this argument, we also need to learn more about the what will the employers do at their spare time

（笔误咯，感觉要细心点）除此之外这句还是挺清楚的。

总的来说三个点都不错，不过想探讨一下，需不需要比较直接回应一下写作要求中的assumption？我是说，是不是明确地写出来”必须满足……假设，否则……“会更好一点？

---

因为自己写作水平有限，所以点评不一定到位，也不一定都合适，但希望能有帮助。确实我自己也有很多表达上的问题，欢迎讨论~

tesolchinaUID：2191404

艾小卉 发表于 2015-5-26 11:49
Argument (2015/5/26)

32) The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufac ...

我觉得楼主选的这几个点不是很准
另外没必要提马斯洛 有点把事情弄复杂了
建议你看看我写的 比对一下 初期可以抄一下
我的文章链接见练习帖一楼

艾小卉UID：3484633

晹城 发表于 2015-5-26 13:33
开头段说得比较清楚，也借鉴了王老师的表述。比较fully developed。

ts1中：这里应该是笔误，it is  ...

谢谢你，我也是起步阶段。感觉自己几个点写的还是不太好，马斯洛需求理论的确是多余了。
我记得有一篇满分的Argument里有写到： If…… （满足XX条件）…………然后会怎样，运用到assumption 中应该是一样的，Strengthen the argument

艾小卉UID：3484633

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-26 14:30
我觉得楼主选的这几个点不是很准
另外没必要提马斯洛 有点把事情弄复杂了
建议你看看我写的 比对一下 ...

谢谢老师，我还想问一下，argument中我可以质疑expert结论的科学性与可靠性吗？以这篇argument为例，我觉得expert可能不是合格的专家，或者他们的研究背景与两家公司并不吻合。

tesolchinaUID：2191404

艾小卉 发表于 2015-5-26 11:49
Argument (2015/5/26)

32) The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufac ...

已点评

艾小卉UID：3484633

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-27 01:06
已点评

非常感谢王老师的点评，的确发现自己assumption 和 evidence 在一开始写就没分清。还有几个观点用的也不太好。借鉴老师的范文和Kssandrahttps://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... amp;fromuid=3484633进行了修改。主要修改了ts1,ts2,ts3。

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


According to the vice president of Quito Manufacturing, in order to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents, the Manufacturing should shorten work shifts and provide employees with adequate sleep. Compared to the Panoply Industries plant, the results of the on-the-job accidents mainly attribute to fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers.To assess this assumption, we need to examine critically a number of assumptions about the causes of higher on-the-job accidents in QM, validity of the expers’ conlcusion and whether decrease in shift hours will lead to the increase in employees' sleep.

To assess this assumption- evaluate the argument


ts1: To begin with, compared with PI, it is assumed that more accidents in QM mainly attribute to longer working shifts. This assumption should be examined carefully as there might be some other reasons accounting for the number of accidents: more people in QM, the condition of factory equipments, enough training about safety protocols, the enforcement of production rules by the supervisors.
    QM比PI事故率高的原因可能有其他：首先是数量上的比较（缺少绝对数量），然后还有工厂设备新旧程度、职工的安全培训，生产流程是否严格执行、企业管理等。


ts2: Furthermore, it is assumed that the conclusion of the experts is reasonable and convicing. There could be other reasons that lead to deviation of conclusion:
Background of the experts’ study, whether the study be highly consistent with the working features in different industries.
专家的权威性：是否是合格的专家，专家的研究背景是否与两家公司所在行业与员工的工作特点高度吻合。

ts3: The third assumption implicitly made is that shortening working shifts will definitely help employees get adequate sleep and improve productivity. In order to fully evluate this argument, we also need to make sure that the employees will use the extra hour to sleep, but not having parties or doing another job. If assumption that the decrease of working hours in QM can address sleep deprivation does not hold, the recommendation will make no difference.
工人是否真的会用多出的时间增加睡眠，他们可能会参加聚会，或者打第二份工。这样的话，sleep deprivation的问题依然存在。

In conclusion, we need more information to strengthen the assumption, such as the factors account for higher accidents in QM， qualifications of the experts and how will the employees use the extra hour in order to evaluate the soundness of the assumption.

艾小卉UID：3484633

5.27号更新  Issue 13

     Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study.
   
     Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

----------------------------------------------分界线------------------------------------------------

这道题要求我们选择一个基本的立场-赞成或反对，但需要讨论能挑战自己观点的例证。其实这就要求我们在讨论了某种可能的反对意见后，再作出相应的反驳，从而巩固自己的观点。基本思路为：
I agree with tis claim because A and B. While some people may disagree because C, I think the claim is still true because C’

With the growing power of cutting-edge knowledge, more and more students are required to take courses besides their major study. I strongly agree that taking various classes outside fields of study will give students a well-rounded education, expand their knowledge basis, and help them develop good habits. With regard to the concern that students will spend too much time on study and have not time to take part in social activities, the university can assess stuents’ daily plan before making more scientific requirements.

scientific requirements这个表达有问题
give students a well-rounded education, expand their knowledge basis, and help them develop good habits. 这是三个point？


To begin with, students who have a good command of knowledge from different fields can improve their professonal performance. Through interdisciplinary, students connect and integrate several academic displines and technologies, along with their specific perspectives. In 21st century, students who wish to take part in boundary-spanning research should not only learn material of their own domain, but also have to collaborate with those outside it. For example, if a student who majors in mathematics wants to learn game theory well, he or she must take eonomic classes and understand the economic behaviors of firms, markets, and consumers. The definition of equilibrium can be easily understood at microeconomics class.
学习更多的课程对于想提升专业水平的学生来说是有帮助的：以数学专业学生学习博弈论为例，他们掌握了建模的方法，但是缺少必要的经济学思想，所以学习经济学课程可以帮助他们加深对概念的理解。

这段的例子还不错 但是数学系的同学学game theory有什么好处呢 这个还没写清楚啊  如何支持开头提出的can improve their professonal performance.



In addition, requring students to take more courses can help them walk out of domitories and make more friends. In college, facing less pressure than in senior high school, some students can easily be addicted in computer games or be a couch potato. University is not only a place for just teaching knowledge from books, but also a place to develop good habit as well as direct our future orientaion. Various classes outside student’s field of study can function as a guide for students to find their own interest and future job selection.
学习更多课程让大学生的生活更充实，同时让他们养成良好的作息习惯。再如文学专业的学生学习计算机知识，这样他们可以在未来从事信息化工作时轻松上手，增强劳动力市场竞争力。


这里不能单纯说make friends 而应该强调make friends with people from other disciplines and develop social network that may be useful for future career
虽然有点功利 但最终要回到大学教育的目的上来



However, some people may hold the view that various courses ouside major study will take up students too much time, thus students have no time to attend acitivities after class. While this is a valid concern, it is more important to remember that time just like a sponge where water is squeezed out. A faster pace of life everyday can help students accustom to competitive job market in advance. In addition, assessment of students’ daily activities will help university make a feasible requirement.
Challenge: 太多课程占用学生参加其他活动或者休息的时间
时间都是挤出来的，可以帮助学生提前适应未来竞争激烈的劳动力市场

你的意思是说such requirement will encourage students to learn to manage their time more effectively  
这个干货要提出来
assessment of students’ daily activities 这个是什么意思 你把管理时间这个点写好就ok了



In conclusion, as students are the bright future of the country, university should take the responsibility to supervise students and produce graduates as confident and skillful employess in the labor market. Therefore, the university should require students to take more courses outside their field of study.

tesolchinaUID：2191404

艾小卉 发表于 2015-5-27 21:47
5.27号更新  Issue 13

     Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses  ...

已点评 你加我微信没？

艾小卉UID：3484633

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-27 22:17
已点评 你加我微信没？

好像还没有，微信号就是老师这个名字吗？

艾小卉UID：3484633

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-27 22:17
已点评 你加我微信没？

已加老师微信，非常感谢老师的宝贵意见，在百忙之中抽空为我们改文章! 很佩服老师这种敬业的学术精神！

艾小卉UID：3484633

5月28日更新   
               
                  Argument 71. The following is a letter to the editor of the Waymarsh Times.

"Traffic here in Waymarsh is becoming a problem. Although just three years ago a state traffic survey showed that the typical driving commuter took 20 minutes to get to work, the commute now takes closer to 40 minutes, according to the survey just completed. Members of the town council already have suggested more road building to address the problem, but as well as being expensive, the new construction will surely disrupt some of our residential neighborhoods. It would be better to follow the example of the nearby city of Garville. Last year Garville implemented a policy that rewards people who share rides to work, giving them coupons for free gas. Pollution levels in Garville have dropped since the policy was implemented, and people from Garville tell me that commuting times have fallen considerably. There is no reason why a policy like Garville's shouldn't work equally well in Waymarsh."

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

根据详细提纲限时写全文。希望大家按照以下提纲来计时写全文。这次练习的主要目的是让大家能够在给定思路的情况下练习语言的表达。同时也可以学习一下我的破题思路。

Conclusion: In order to solve the traffic problems, Waymarsh should follow the example of Garville and encourage people to share rides to work..

证据1：The state traffic survey showed that three years ago the driving commuter took less time to get to work
证据2：More road construction is expensive as well as disrupt some residential neighborhoods
证据3：The policy that rewards people to share rides in Garbille is successful: less pollution, commuting time has fallen dramatically


According to the letter, in order to solve traffic problems, Waymarsh should follow the example of Garville and introduce silimiar policy to encourage more people to share rides with others. To evaluate the conclusion, we need more evidence about the surveys indicating the traffic problem, the strengths and weakness related to the road construction plan, as well as whether it is suitable for Waymash to adopt the similar policy.

To begin with, we need to examine the surveys more critically and assess the extent of the traffic problems. The editor claims that there is a traffic problem in Waymarsh, because the survey shows that three years ago the driving commuter took less time to get to work. This evidence is unwarrented because the reliability of the survey and whether the surveroys is cross-bencher is uncertain. If the surveyors aim at making money  by taking ride with others to work, or the surveyors are environmental protectors, the final conclusion will have deviation. In addition, the respondents must be statistically significant in number and representative of the overall residents. For example, if the sample in the survey only included drivers who move far away from their company during the three years, it is more likely that the drivers will spend more time on driving to work.
主要讨论调查的可靠性：调查人员是否客观中立，调查对象是否具有代表性

surveyors ？ 你见过这个词？
If the surveyors aim at making money  by taking ride with others to work, or the surveyors are environmental protectors 这个和题目有什么关系 完全看不出来
the respondents must be statistically significant in number？ you mean sample size?  

if the sample in the survey only included drivers who move far away from their company during the three years
这个point其实蛮好 但是表达很有问题

感觉你还是要好好学一下范文的表达  


In addition, we need to collect more information about how the policy has improved the environment and traffic condition in Garville and how a similar policy will affect people’s behaviors in Waymarsh. The author thinks that the decrease of pollution in Garville mainly attributes to the traffic policy. But there is possiblility that the local government took measure to strengthen sewage mangement, as well as adoption of new technology in factories played essential roles to reduce pollution. The conclusion that the commuting timse in Garville have fallen is also not reliable only by the conversation with local residents. Moreover, we should consider the preferance of transportation for people in Waymarsh. For example, if they pay more attention to privacy and safety problems or most of them don’t care about mondy, most of them are willing to show off their luxury cars.
主要先考虑Garville环境以及交通改善的原因：可能是政府主导或者是企业采取新技术；另外commuting times 减少这个结论没有很可靠的调查论证。
另一方面，要讨论Waymarsh对于出行方式的偏好，可能他们注重安全或者隐私问题，不愿意share ride,或者是很有钱，宁可自己开车炫富。

attributes to the traffic policy表达
你的文章里好多拼写错误啊
The conclusion that the commuting timse in Garville have fallen is also not reliable only by the conversation  表达不对 你这是在瞎写啊  
而且我反复讲过 不要说conclusion不对 而应该说可能不对  



Finally, we need to compare the cost and benefits of the ride sharing policy with the proposed road construction project.The argument’s recommendation falsely depends on the high cost of the road construction. However, it is entirely possible that the project will be a fundamental solution. On the contrary, sharing rides with others is a temporary method, which may cost more and face the increasing burden of population. There is no denying that the construction will make noise and disrupt residentals, but the problems can be solved by economic compensation. Then the government can make a comparison with the two method. In short, without budgets and comparisons of the two solution, the argument cannot justifiably conclude that the taking similar policy in Waymarsh is economical and useful.
这一段主要讲的是对于修路和之前的policy的比较，修路虽然耗费多，但却实为长久之策，而且噪声等问题可以通过经济补偿的方式来解决。政府应当对两种方案进行科学合理的评估，通过预估支出来判断哪一种方法更节约有效。


The argument’s recommendation falsely depends on the high cost 表达很有问题
the project will be a fundamental solution什么意思

哎 感觉你的argument简直没法看啊
可能是在做翻译吧  


In conclusion, while the proposed policy seems useful, we need to collect more information to address the issues discussed above to evaluate the soundness of the argument.

晹城UID：3586536

艾小卉 发表于 2015-5-28 10:46
5月28日更新   
               
                  Argument 71. The following is a letter to the edi ...

中间第一段：

If the surveyors have relation with people who are eagre to make money by taking ride with others to work, or the surveyors are environmental protectors, the final conclusion will have deviation.

这个表述感觉有点像中式英语呀，“have relation with”, 而且“eagre”应该是eager吗？
另外，表达“有歧义”，我觉得“have deviation”不是很合适，可不可以直接写成"will be deviated"

or example, if the sample in the survey only included drivers who move far away from their company during the three years, it is more likely that the drivers will spend more time on driving to work.

这个例子我感觉没有说清楚。如果调查对象多为commuter比较远的，那三年前的commuter是一样的距离啊（你是想说，三年前的调查对象是commuter近的，而三年后的调查对象是commuter远的吧？）

中间第二段：

The editor thinks that the decrease of pollution in Garville mainly attributes to the traffic policy.

题目中说“the letter to editor”，写信人不是editor。

The conclusion that the commuting timse in Garville have fallen is also not realiable only through the conversation with local residents.

commuting time in Garville has fallen
"realiable"->reliable
"through"-> by

拼写错误这些小问题应该是因为限时写太急了吧。