issue46 问题文章点评 by needle & lovebrian

GORQIUID: 151275

46"While some leaders in government, sports, industry, and other areas attribute their success to a well-developed sense of competition, a society can better prepare its young people for leadership by instilling in them a sense of cooperation."

第一次在pp3上的产物

To be a successful leader, which is more important, sense of competition or cooperation? Although some leaders attribute their success to the competition, on balance I think competition and cooperation are both important in the way to achievement.

Competition is indispensable to be a leader as motivation to proceed. First, competition plays an important role when struggling with the people in the other side to obtain the composition as a leader. Everyone wants something like better position, higher salary, or honor and the like which all require effort and struggle with others. To gain the position of leadership one has to compete with others to emerge out. Second, to lead the group onto the way to success, the leader must maintain the sense of competition with their enemy group. For example, there are so many companies with the similar business in markets, to make more profit and further develop the company, the CEO must be with the sense of competition all the time so that his/her company could keep up with the society and defeat others eventually, otherwise, no sense of competition would lead to lack of vigor and loss in the rapid changing circumstance. Simply put, the power of the competition is undeniable to be a successful leader.

However, to be a successful leader it is enough to keep a sense of competition, the ability of cooperation is crucial as well. Only emphasize on the competition would make for short eye, lack of communication, inefficiency and some other negative effect due to its overestimating the power of individual. To be a leader, one must recognize the power of a group as an integrate one. There is an example happened in my university illustrating the importance of cooperation. A basketball team would be selected to take part in the competition of our school and our sport teacher is responsible to this task. To our surprised, one of the best students good at this sport had not been chosen, when we asked for the reason, our teachers told us (and I paragraph):"What we want is a group not a collection of hero, he is not good at cooperating with the teammates and only struggling alone " The ability of cooperation is promise to be a member of a group, say nothing to a leader. Only with the team spirit could the leader work well along with the members, get respect from his/her members and further effectively make proper organization according to everyone's special character.  

In addition, the ability of cooperation becomes more and more important responding with the more and more frequently cooperation in difference fields. Real development depends on the development of the related fields such as the development in astronomy depending on the striving in computer, physics, mathematic and so on. One of the crucial responsibilities of the leader is to lead the group to cooperate with groups from different fields. Without the ability of cooperation could the leader not attract the support from other fields and eventually impede the development of his/her group. In the current society, the ability of cooperation is paid more and more attention, from an individual, a small group, to the nation. As we well know, the cooperation in different nations from the fields of science, medicine, economic and the like are common and indispensable to take advantage from others and ensure oneself the well-rounded development. One of the crucial responsibilities of the leader is to lead the group to cooperate with groups from different fields. The ability of cooperation is so crucial that many societies prepare its young for leadership by installing them a sense of cooperation.

In sum, both the sense of competition and cooperation is essential to be a successful leader. The society should require its student who want to be a leader emphasize on the both to ensure them success later.

GORQIUID: 151275

yaya, 沉拉

lovebrianUID: 157127

我来我来~~等一下哦

needleUID: 158900

我也来，明天看，先占座

casablancaUID: 160003

占座看高手改作文！:)

GORQIUID: 151275

有高手哦
期待ing

lovebrianUID: 157127

No.1 issue46 又是高频
46"While some leaders in government, sports, industry, and other areas attribute their success to a well-developed sense of competition, a society can better prepare its young people for leadership by instilling in them a sense of cooperation."

第一次在pp3上的产物

To be a successful leader, which is more important, sense of competition or cooperation? Although some leaders attribute their success to the competition, on balance I think competition and cooperation are both important in the wayin the way:挡道 to achievement.

Competition is indispensable to be a leader as motivation to proceed这个句子有毛病. First, competition plays an important role when struggling with the people in the other side to obtain the composition什么意思？ as a leader是不是把竞争偷换概念为竞选了？. Everyone wants something like better position, higher salary, or honor and the like which all require effort and struggle with others.前后两个句子有衔接吗？ To gain the position of leadership one has to compete with others to emerge out晕！好好看看题目：竞争对领导能力的作用！不是竞选！. Second, to lead the group onto the way to success, the leader must maintain the sense of competition with their enemy group这点找得也不好 竞争应该理解为同等的吧？比如，两个足球队争世界杯，能说是敌对的吗？. For example, there are so many companies with the similar business in markets, to make more profit and further develop the company, the CEO must be with the sense of competition all the time so that his/her company could keep up with the society and defeat others eventually, otherwise, no sense of competition would lead to lack of vigor and loss in the rapid changing circumstance. Simply put, the power of the competition is undeniable to be a successful leader.我感觉竞争很好写的阿！！就是个机会均等，竞争能力强的会如何~~找得两个点，有问题

However, to be a successful leader it is enough什么意思？ to keep a sense of competition, the ability of cooperation is crucial as well. Only emphasize on the competition would make for short eye, lack of communication, inefficiency and some other negative effect due to its overestimating the power of individual. To be a leader, one must recognize the power of a group as an integrate one. There is an example happened in my university illustrating the importance of cooperation. A basketball team would be selected to take part in the competition of our school and our sport teacher is responsible to this task. To our surprised, one of the best students good at this sport had not been chosen, when we asked for the reason, our teachers told us (and I paragraph):"What we want is a group not a collection of hero, he is not good at cooperating with the teammates and only struggling alone " The ability of cooperation is promise to be a member of a group, say nothing to a leader.例子叙述了一大堆，1。没有代表性，leadership体现得不好 2.没有说服力  究竟为什么需要合作？合作了会怎么样？不合作会怎么样？写出来不就得了吗？ Only with the team spirit could the leader work well along with the members, get respect from his/her members and further effectively make proper organization according to everyone's special character.

In addition, the ability of cooperation becomes more and more important responding？？ with the more and more frequently cooperation in difference fields. Real development depends on the development of the related fields such as the development in astronomy depending on the striving in computer, physics, mathematic and so on. One of the crucial responsibilities of the leader is to lead the group to cooperate with groups from different fields. Without the ability of cooperation could the leader not attract the support from other fields and eventually impede the development of his/her group. In the current society, the ability of cooperation is paid more and more attention, from an individual, a small group, to the nation. As we well know, the cooperation in different nations from the fields of science, medicine, economic and the like are common and indispensable to take advantage from others and ensure oneself the well-rounded development. One of the crucial responsibilities of the leader is to lead the group to cooperate with groups from different fields. The ability of cooperation is so crucial that many societies prepare its young for leadership by installing them a sense of cooperation.看下来这一段像是在这样说：合作越来越重要了 合作太重要了 合作很重要……

In sum, both the sense of competition and cooperation is essential to be a successful leader. The society should require its student who want to be a leader emphasize on the both to ensure them success later.
好了，静下来看看题目：While some leaders in government, sports, industry, and other areas attribute their success to a well-developed sense of competition, a society can better prepare its young people for leadership by instilling in them a sense of cooperation   合作和竞争对年轻人领导能力的培养问题~~~
能力的培养呢？
年轻人呢？

所以审题永远都是第一位的！不要急功近利的去追求字数~~往往适得其反

casablancaUID: 160003

看了狒狒的点评，发现全砸在自己的毛病上:(
审题不明确，例子冗长，分析不够！
大概列了一下自己的提纲，
当今社会，竞争合作都重要
A,竞争对年轻人领导能力培养的重要性（正+反）
B,合作。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。
C,结合
所以，应平衡培养
我习惯写中庸，口黑口黑

P.S.提醒GORQI注意长短句子的结合，很多句子没有断开，虽然有些是标点的用法而已
如第一段中的举例，快五行了:p

GORQIUID: 151275

多谢狒狒的修改阿
首先我想说明一下我对题目的理解，是领导人对自己的成功归功于竞争意识，这里的成功我认为应该包括他本身竞选成为领导人以及做了领导人之后怎样领导他的成员与其它组的竞争
第一段也是按照这个思路来写的， 不过把 Second, to lead the group onto the way to success, the leader must maintain the sense of competition with their enemy group改称with their adversaries 清楚一点吧

关于合作的部分是1，作为一个领导人，有合作意识才能协调和激励内部成员2， 有合作意识才能使得自己的组与相关领域有好的合作关系。 一个内部一个外部吧

我一直觉得说明了作为一个领导人竞争合作都很重要，那么要培养向做领导的年轻人的竞争合作意识就是必然的了

例子叙述了一大堆，1。没有代表性，leadership体现得不好 2.没有说服力 究竟为什么需要合作？合作了会怎么样？不合作会怎么样？写出来不就得了吗？
说的很有道理啊，我也总为这个头痛呢

GORQIUID: 151275

也谢谢卡萨布兰卡
提醒GORQI注意长短句子的结合，很多句子没有断开，虽然有些是标点的用法而已
如第一段中的举例，快五行了
因为在东方上课的时候老师说例子要用长句啊，所以我每次都尽量写些比较恶的长句子拉
这样不好啊？

needleUID: 158900

46"While some leaders in government, sports, industry, and other areas attribute their success to a well-developed sense of competition, a society can better prepare its young people for leadership by instilling in them a sense of cooperation."

第一次在pp3上的产物

To be a successful leader, which is more important, sense of competition or cooperation? Although some leaders attribute their success to the competition, on balance I think competition and cooperation are both important in the way to achievement.感觉TS整个抛掉了sense，是不是和原文稍有不相符。而且，抛掉了society prepare….不妥当

Competition is indispensable to be a leader as motivation to proceed. First, competition plays an important role when struggling with the people in the other side to obtain the composition position? as a leader. Everyone wants something like better position, higher salary, or honor and the like which all require efforts and struggleto struggle with others. To gain the position of leadership one has to compete with others to emerge out. Second, to lead the group onto the way to success, the leader must maintain the sense of competition with their enemy group. For example, there are so many companies with the similar business in markets, to make more profit and further develop the company, the CEO must be with 直接用has不好么 the sense of competition all the time so that his/her company could can keep up with the society and defeat others eventually, 断句.O otherwise, no sense of competition 这个短语可以做主语吗？怀疑ing would lead to lack of vigor and loss in the rapid changing circumstance. Simply put, the power of the competition is undeniable to be a successful leader.段中的论证先谈了competition，然后扣住了sense，段末的总结有丢开了sense，改说power，感觉不妥

However, to be a successful leader it is not enough to keep a sense of competition only, and the ability of cooperation is crucial as well. Only emphasize emphasis on the competition would make for short eye短视？, lack of communication, inefficiency and some other negative effects due to its overestimating the power of individuals. To be a leader, one must recognize the power of a group as an integrate one. There is an example happened in my university illustrating the importance of cooperation. A basketball team would be selected to take part in the competition of our school and our sport teacher is responsible to this task用过去时态. To our surprisedsurprise, one of the best students good at this sport had not been chosen, and when we asked for the reason, our teacherss?? told us (and I paragraph):"What we want is a group not a collection of heroes, .Hhe is not good at cooperating with the 去掉the，加other teammates and only struggling always struggles alone " . The ability of cooperation is a promise to be a member of a group for an individual, say nothing to a leader sorry,不知道say nothing的用法。No mention to be a leader of it如何. Only with the team spirit could can the leader work well along with the members else, get respect from his/her members and further effectively 语序不对，两个副词挪到organization之后更好一些吧？ make proper organization according to everyone's special character. 还是sense的问题，其实论证的时候包括举例意思已经提到了，最好说明白一点

In addition, the ability of cooperation becomes more and more important respondingly with the more and more frequently frequent cooperation in difference fields两个more and more不太好. Real development这是可数名词 depends on the developments of the 去掉the related fields such as the development 连续3遍了，换一环achievements/accomplishments/improvements in astronomy depending depends, such as+句子 on the striving 这个词？奋斗？感觉用在这里不是很准确 in computer +science , physics, mathematics and so on. One of the crucial responsibilities of the leader is to lead the group to cooperate with groups from different fields. Without the ability of cooperation could not是不是也应该提前啊？疑惑ing the leader not attract the support from other fields and eventually impede the development of his/her group好像没有说清楚领导为什么要有能力领导在不同领域的合作……很武断和突兀的结论句. In the current society, the ability of cooperation is paid more and more attention to, from an individual, a small group, to the nation. As we well know, the cooperation in different nations from in the fields of science, medicine, economic and the like are is common and indispensable to take advantages from otherswho is “others”? 这里都说到nations了，这个others不知道指的是谁 and ensure oneself the well-rounded development很长的一句话，但组织的不够漂亮. One of the crucial responsibilities of the leader is to lead the group to cooperate with groups from different fields？？？完全重复了之前的一句话？paste出错？？. The ability of cooperation is so crucial that many societies prepare its young for leadership by installing them a sense of cooperation1.这句话忽然拐到了原题，感觉非常奇怪；2.这句话篡改了原题并且没有立场，使用一般现在时描述的现象，翻译过来是“合作的能力如此重要以至于许多社会通过给年轻人灌输合作感来培养他们成为领导”，原文中其实问的是should or shouldn’t的问题啊！你没有给出回答.

In sum, both the sense of competition and cooperation is are essential to be a successful leader. The society should require its students who want to be a leader emphasize on the both to ensure themtheir success later.

文章中development用得太多了。语言总体还可以，但也有很多小错误，有些句式的重复读起来不舒服。经常使用举例增长了句子，但是有时把握不住结构，建议分成短句。

文章结构上和思路上的问题比较重要。论证合作和竞争的优缺点是必然的，但是要注意到两个方面，一个是sense，也就是说，主观的。有了这个感觉或者那个感觉人们会怎么样？其实就是在你的论证过程中增加一两句话的事情，把sense和合作、竞争实际客观的优缺点联系起来。另一个比较严重的问题是抛开了society，当然，body3末尾和结尾段提了，估计是写着写着看了一下题目，然后拐回来了。Society如何prepare这个要从society对young的教育方面写。因为……重要，所以要培养……。这种句子是点题的，非要不可。

不好意思，占座这么久了才来看。希望提的意见对你有所帮助。呵呵，第二个债也还了，可以去写考完感受了。:)

needleUID: 158900

最初由 GORQI 发布
[B]因为在东方上课的时候老师说例子要用长句啊，所以我每次都尽量写些比较恶的长句子拉
这样不好啊？ [/B]

长句把握住了结构，写的一词不能删，精炼而复杂，又没有歧义，这就叫做漂亮。但是长句因为复杂所以不好掌握，很容易出问题，尤其在紧张的情况下。建议你不要刻意使用长句。长句本身就问题多多，文章里面长句过多更会引起阅读和理解困难，很容易有逻辑漏洞。对于语言本身而言，长短句结合的文章读着才有美感。

GORQIUID: 151275

感谢needle姐姐的修改哦
最近网络一直不通，所以今天才看到
我会下去好好修改的