雲靉玥 作文练习贴

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

7/1
内容反馈汇总之二：1+3模型

6/23
Issue 34
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=redirect&goto=findpost&ptid=1840058&pid=1779600746&fromuid=2888572

In any situation, progress requires discussion among people who have contrasting points of view.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.
相关习作句子或段落:
I agree that most of the time, we should discuss with people who have different opinions in order to develop. As people with different points of view always look at the same problem through various angles, the discussion will help people fairly evaluate their view and even create a more comprehensive one. However, in some cases when the people who have the opposite opinion are irrational or unreasonable, the discussion with them will only be a waste of time and have more harm than benefit.
老师点评:
most of the time就是一个很模糊的范围  
in order to develop (what?)
in some cases -也很模糊
自己的思考和总结：
不知道这个算不算1+3的问题，大确实是没有一个具体清晰的主题句，用的词都比较虚
修改后：
I agree with the statement that we should discuss with people who have opposite opinions as long as the conversition is in a rational manner. I will demonstrate my position with two examples in advertising research and politics. Nevertheless, for people who are unreasonable, there is no benefit to discuess with them.


6/25
Issue 57
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=redirect&goto=findpost&ptid=1840058&pid=1779607620&fromuid=2888572

The main benefit of the study of history is to dispel the illusion that people living now are significantly different from people who lived in earlier times.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.
相关习作句子或段落:
Some people may argue that there are some aspects we share with the people in the past, such as wars. Nevertheless, if we analyze  the difference between the wars in the past and those in recent time, we can  find that the war nowadays could be significantly more powerful than those in  the past, thanks to the discover of nuclear power.
老师点评:
这个point和主题句完全偏离
自己的思考和总结：
这个是被我放在了中间段的后面，本来是想用来回应题目的challenge但是却偏离了主题句。其实我不是很确定这段要怎么改，或许可以把战争武器的不同也写成一个例子然后最后写这个例子可以反驳别人说从古至今的war都是similar的？

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

7/15
Argument 32

32) The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.

During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. Experts say that significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Quiot and thereby increase productivity, we should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.


这一篇之前没有写但是看过题目思考过，不过还是用的老师的思路以防万一。写完大概32分钟。感觉只要不是快考试就不能有紧张感的快速写完这个态度得治。。学习了老师用的recommend ing in order to...的句型，感觉很好用
另外对于中间段的套路更加理解怎么写了，以前总是喜欢把总结句想成前一句的结果，根本不是因果关系的句子也要加上Hence或者therefore。。。现在知道应该是回应之前说的assumption而不是回应可能性。



In the memo, the vice president recommends decreasing (shortening) each of the three work shifts in order to reduce worker’s accident rate in Quiot manufacturing, hoping that the change could help workers dealing with fatigue and sleep deprivation. To evaluate the suggestion, we need to examine the assumptions related to the causes of the work accident and the relationship between work time, sleep and accident rate.

decreasing 选词 -shorten


To begin with, the author assumes that longer work shift is the reason why Quiot has 30 percent higher accident rate (30 percent more on-the-job accidents) than Panoply. Nevertheless, it is highly possible that there are other factors that cause the higher rate (larger amount of accidents). For example, maybe Panoply has fewer workers than Quiot do, and the working condition in Panoply may be better than Quiot, causing the gap between the amounts of accident in the two factories. If the different number of worker and working condition are the true factors that lead to the different accident rate between two factories, changing the work shift policy would not help Quiot decrease (reduce) its accident rate (amount of accidents.

这里要注意题目说的是30 percent more on-the-job accidents
不是30 percent higher accident rate  
绝对数量的多少和事故率是不同的概念  

decrease - reduce


Another assumption that the vice president makes is that reducing the work hour of each shift can increase the workers’ sleeping time. However, as workers have their own lives, we cannot ensure that they actually sleep more after the change. For instance, they might stay up late drinking in the bar or simply surfing the Internet at home. Additionally, because manufacturing workers are often hourly paid, if the working hour decreases, their wages will decrease as well. In this case, they might have to take other part-time jobs after working at Quiot in order to earn the same amount of money. Either (whether?) workers spend their time after work playing or working part-time, their fatigue and sleeping deprivation will not get better, so (断句 Therefore,) the recommendation should not be accepted.

Either的用法

这句话在so这里要断句


Furthermore, it is assumed that helping workers get enough amount of sleep can reduce the work accident in Quiot. Even if reducing the amount of time of each work shift can help workers to sleep better, the accident rate may still remain high; there might be other factors that can cause the accident. For example, perhaps the company did not train the workers how to use the machines safely and how to avoid incoming accidents (possible accidents), or the company did not update the machines (upgrade the machines) so that they are more dangerous than the latest ones. If either of the factors above causes the high accident rate, the assumption cannot hold true and the suggestion should not be considered.

incoming accidents搭配
update the machine- 搭配



In conclusion, to examine the feasibility of the recommendation, we need more information regarding to the assumptions that shorter shift can decrease accident rate and increase workers’ sleeping time, and working time is the only factors that causes more accidents in Quiot.

总的来说写得不错  语言表达由少量问题

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

7/16
Issue 13

13) Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.


这个其实是和之前考试相似的题目，脑子里一直想着考试的思路，又想写的不一样一点，毕竟考试的时候写的不太好，所以第二个论点借鉴了老师的思路，不知道这么写行不行。时间上是严重超时了（一直没办法静下来写宗被打断），加起来大概得40分钟了。
另外发现typo真的很吓人，我已经很注意改course这个单词了，可是放在word里还是发现好几个拼错了！考试感觉很可能是因为这种typo降级的吧。。。TUT


As the job market becomes more and more competitive, many colleges start to require students to take courses outside their major fields. Some people argue that college students do not have enough time to learn knowledge that may do nothing to (have nothing to do with) their major studies. While (Yet/Nevertheless) other people support this idea because more knowledge can help students become more competitive in the job market. In my perspective (from my perspective), I agree with the policy because learning knowledge beyond students’ major fields can benefit both their major studies and their future careers, and (断句 Additionally, it) can help them become responsible citizens.

may do nothing to  表达 may have nothing to do with ...
While后面不能跟完整的句子  只能跟从句
from my perspective
and can这里另起一句好些  



To begin with, students learning (taking) courses outside their major fields can obtain various skills that will help them perform better in their major studies, even in their future careers (删). Advertising majors, for example, will sharpen their writing skills through courses on literature and writing, which will lead them to write smarter and more concise (conciser) copies (jargon, advertising language) in their major courses as well as in their future job (删). By taking courses in psychology and sociology, advertising students will learn the skill of understanding customer insights (become more insightful of customer needs), which can help them produce advertisements that customers appreciate. Comparing to students who do not have those skills, students who have taken various courses and gained those additional skills are absolutely more competitive in their major departments (major fields) as well as in the job market.

learn course 搭配
你的主题句里包括了两个点 一般建议一段只写一个点   
write smarter搭配 词性
more concise copies  不懂
understanding customer insights不懂
competitive in their major departments 搭配  




Furthermore, taking courses in other fields can help students understand the world better and make responsible decisions regarding to (删) social problems. As we all know, college students as adults all have the right to vote. It is possible that a student who did not take courses such as political science, history or economics cannot decide which candidate’s proposal will be better for the society, resulting in vote for the one who is less beneficial to the society. One vote may not mean much to the society. Nevertheless, it would become a nightmare if thousands of college students across the States cannot choose the right one. Only when all of them are well-educated in their colleges will our democratic society operate more efficiently. Therefore, courses in fields outside students’ majors are necessary for them to become responsible for the society.

Furthermore, taking courses in other fields can help students understand the world better and make more responsible decisions regarding social problems. For art and humanity students, taking courses in science and engeneering can inform them how the technology has changed the world over years and can help them select the better choice facing science issues. For students major in science, they can understand the current political and economical situations by studying history, political science as well as economics. Only when all of the students are well-educated in their colleges will our democratic society operate more efficiently. Therefore, courses in fields outside students’ majors are necessary for them to become responsible for the society.

regarding 后面没有to
cannot decide which candidate’s proposal will be better for the society 这个说法很有问题   
我觉得这段的例子不太合适 民主是否要求选民必须受过高等教育 这是一个很有争议的问题  在美国宣扬选民必须受过教育这种理念是有政治风险的  所以 我建议你不要直接说选举这件事 而是应该强调不同的学科训练能帮助学生更好的理解一些issue 具体参考我的范文  


Some people may argue that as college students already have plenty of works to do in their major fields, they may not have enough time to study other courses, or studying other courses may limit their time spending on their major fields. It is true that studying various courses may take time from students (students need to spend some time on those elective courses, and taking too many non-major courses might impact their major studies). Nevertheless, the benefits to the student and the society will outweigh the disadvantage. Additionally, colleges can offer every student an academic advisor to help them choose what courses to take. (To solve the problem, colleges had better offer every student an academic advisor to help students select a proper amount of non-major courses and choose only those courses that will benefit students' major studies.) Hence, students can have enough time to learn their major courses and the additional electives.

take time from students 表达
你对这个挑战的回应不是很给力啊  挑战说的是修课程花时间 你的回应并没有解决这个问题   


In conclusion, universities should require students to take courses in different departments as the knowledge and skills they learned from those courses can help them both perform better in their academic fields and their future careers, and become more responsible citizens that will benefit the society.

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

7/17 Argument 87 87) In a study of the reading habits of Waymarsh citizens conducted by the University of Waymarsh, most respondents said they preferred literary classics as reading material. However, a second study conducted by the same researchers found that the type of book most frequently checked out of each of the public libraries in Waymarsh was the mystery novel. Therefore, it can be concluded that the respondents in the first study had misrepresented their reading preferences. Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted. 用了30分钟，后来放到word里有大概五六个typo。 The author argues that the participants in the first study of the reading habits of Waymarsh had offered wrong data as the second study indicates that people borrow mystery novels more frequently than classical novels. To evaluate the argument, we need to reexamine the assumptions regarding the book collection in public library, people’s reading habits, and the validity of the first study. 写的不错 offered wrong data 再考虑一下这个表达 To begin with, the author assumes that mystery novels are checked out more frequently than classics means Waymarsh people prefer mystery novels to classics. Nevertheless, there might be other reasons why mystery novels are more frequently borrowed. For example, there might be only a few volumes of classics collected in the public library. As many classics might not be available to check out, it would be reasonable that people turn to borrow mystery novels. Additionally, probably people like to keep classics for a longer time than mystery novels, as classics are always thicker and take longer time to read. Therefore, the frequency of checking out classics will be reduced. In either of the cases, the frequency cannot prove that people in Waymarsh like to read mystery novels more than classics. mystery novels are checked out more frequently than classics means Waymarsh people prefer mystery novels to classics句子结构有问题 the frequency cannot prove that搭配 Another hidden assumption that the author made is that the public library is the only place for Waymarsh citizens to access books. It is highly possible that as people love to read classics, they would love to buy classics in bookstores or online and read them at home. What is more, as there are more and more eBooks available online, people may not read or buy physical books at all. Especially when people can access many classics in the Internet for free, they may not go to the library and borrow classics there. If people have other ways to read books other than checking out from the library, we cannot claim that the author’s argument is valid. Especially when 搭配 checking out the books we cannot claim ... the author's argument may not be valid It is also assumed that the first study about reading habits is reliable and fair. However, perhaps the researchers conducted the survey in high school or universities, causing the result may be biased to younger people’s preference and older people’s preference may be underrepresented. Moreover, the researchers might not offer all the genres including mystery novels in the survey. In this case, the participants did not have the chance to choose what they really like, so they turned to select classics. Unless we can prove that the first study is conducted fairly, it would be arbitrary to argue that the respondents had lied about their reading preference. causing the result may be biased 句子结构 arbitrary 选词 -unreasonable In conclusion, in order to examine whether the participants of the survey has misrepresented themselves or not, some assumptions related to the library, the citizens, and the first survey need to be evaluated.

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

7/17内容反馈汇总

内容反馈汇总之一：回应题目关键词和遵循写作指引
Argument 32 中间第一段，题目关键词是Q比P多30 percent的accidents而不是accident rate多30%。要注意审题

内容反馈汇总之二：1+3模型
Issue 15 中间第一段结尾句没有附属主题句内容 （不知道算不算这里的问题）
Therefore, graduates cannot achieve lucrative careers only because of major in certain fields; they still need many other things to make them successful. (Therefore, the recommendation does not work for everyone, as studying in certain fields not necessarily prepare for lucreative careers.)


Issue 13 第一段同时写了taking various courses会benefit major study和future career。每一段只能写一个点

内容反馈汇总之三：主旨句与主题句不合适

内容反馈汇总之四：例子缺失或不合适
Issue 13 第二段用的例子涉及敏感话题，没有受到高等教育也是可以选举的
Issue 13 最后一段回应没有解决challenge

内容反馈汇总之五：中间段的展开与例子的解释

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

7/17  语言反馈总结

语言反馈汇总之一：断句
1. I agree with the policy because learning knowledge beyond students’ major fields can benefit both their major studies and their future careers, and (断句 Additionally, it) can help them become responsible citizens.


语言反馈汇总之二：选词与搭配
launch/win a career
show their advantages --> express themselves
the guarantee of --> the promise of
devote one's self to...
professional field --> academic field
less possible --> less likely
better source of students --> higher-quality students?
do nothing to --> have nothing to do with...
in my perspective --> from my perspective
learn course --> take course
major departmants --> major fields
regarding 后面没有to


语言反馈汇总之三：句子结构和语法问题
1. benefit 用法：they will not benefit the school/ they will not be benefitial to the school
2. 从句或者聚众转折有时会忘记写动词，如colleges cannot guarantee that every student who studying (is studying/studies) in certain fields can win a “lucrative” career in the future.
3. While不能引导一整句话。用yet或者nevertheless


语言反馈汇总之四：指代不明或缺乏限定范围


语言反馈汇总之五：不明觉弱
advertising copies (jargon) -->advertising language
understand customer insight --> become more insightful of customer needs.

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

7/20
Issue 91

91) The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that they have more leisure time.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.  


之前看过这个题目老师的提纲，所以按照老师的分类写的，整整用了30m。最主要的是，所有的leisure都拼错了！这个真的太不应该了。。。继续努力吧~


As technology rapidly changes our lifestyles and the world around us, it is important to reflect what is the objective of technological advancement and what does it really do to our lives. From my perspective, increasing people’s efficiency should be the primary goal of technological development, but high efficiency does not necessary mean more leisure time; we need to consider which position the person is in the society to decide whether this advancement leads to more time for relaxation.

what does it really do to our lives句子结构 从句里的词序
which position the person is搭配


For students and scholars, the introduction of Internet and e-library indeed increased their efficiency of searching for reference sources. Instead of spend day and night at physical libraries searching for useful books and journals, researchers can simply type keywords into searching engines and get all related information in a few second. Nevertheless, the higher efficiency of searching for resources does not result in more leisure time for scholars and researchers. As the efficiency increases, the requirements for academic papers increase as well. It is understandable to write an research paper per semester in the old time, but nowadays, as the technology advances, students are required to write more than one paper every month. In this case, they will not enjoy their leisure time as they still need to spend a lot of their spare time working on their academic papers to reach the stricter requirement.

instead of后面要跟名词或动名词
the requirements for academic papers表达

For business people, technological advancement helps them connect with other people whenever wherever. In the past, people can only work on business problems at work time in their offices. Yet as the introduction of email and mobile phones, people can communicate with their partners even if they are thousands miles apart. This development can absolutely higher people’s work efficiency. However, it will decrease people’s leisure time at the same time. Because people can work on their business projects anywhere at any time, it is normal for them to reply emails and phone calls at home, even if they do not want to. Consequently, their relaxing time will be interrupted by tons of messages and calls from their works.

whenever wherever 表达
as the introduction of - with the introduction ...
higher - 词性
time - interrupted 搭配


Elder people, on the other hand, will increase their efficiency and their leisure time as the technology develops because their major job is to enjoy their leisure time. For example, an old lady who is in love with cooking but is inconvenient to get out of her house can only waiting for her children or other people to get her cooking materials every week. Nevertheless, with the advancement of Internet, she can but what she want on Amazon or other online shopping website, and even find as many recipes as she want by several clicks. In this case, her efficiency of enjoying her interest of cooking will increase, and her leisure time will not change or even increase as well.

lady- is inconvenient 搭配
你的语言表达问题还是有点大啊
对should的处理不够 针对这个问题我晚点回修改我的范文

In conclusion, technological developments can help people obtain more effective lives, but the amount of relaxation time varies in different positions people live in. For most people who have to study or work, their leisure time will decrease as technology advances, but for older people, the technological transformation will help them enjoy their twilight years better.

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

雲靉玥 发表于 2015-7-20 18:31
7/20
Issue 91

你好~
你写地实在太好了，我觉得写得真好，语言运用很娴熟，要向你学习~

其中有几处笔误及我不确定的地方，我在这里摘录下来哈：
para.2
Instead of spend day and night at physical libraries searching for useful books and journals,researchers can simply type keywords into searching engines and get all related information in a few second.
a few second 是否应改为a few seconds？

para.3
For business people, technological advancement helps them connect with other people whenever wherever.
这里whenever和wherever中间是不是要加个连接词？


para.4
Nevertheless, with the advancement of Internet, she can but what she want on Amazon or other online shopping website,……
笔误，buy是吧

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

7/21
Argument 54/165

今天有点时间就把两个都卸掉了，毕竟是反着说的~
第一个用了29分钟，第二个用了25分钟，因为木有写结尾。。。这次typo不是很多，大概平均3个，有进步
感觉写的都不太多，不知道老师觉得可以不


54) Humans arrived in the Kaliko Islands about 7,000 years ago, and within 3,000 years most of the large mammal species that had lived in the forests of the Kaliko Islands had become extinct. Yet humans cannot have been a factor in the species' extinctions, because there is no evidence that the humans had any significant contact with the mammals. Further, archaeologists have discovered numerous sites where the bones of fish had been discarded, but they found no such areas containing the bones of large mammals, so the humans cannot have hunted the mammals. Therefore, some climate change or other environmental factor must have caused the species' extinctions.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.


In the passage, the author argues that it was some environmental factors that caused the extinction of large mammals in Kaliko Islands. The author also claims that this extinction could no (not) have happened because of human hunting behaviors, as there is no record that human had significant contact with the mammals and no discarded bones of mammal found in the islands. To evaluate the validity of the argument, we need to examine the assumptions that the author mentioned (provided) related to human-mammal contact, the bones of mammals, and other human behaviors that might cause the extinction.

could not
mentioned选词


To begin with, it is assumed that as archaeologists did not find any evidence that indicates the human-mammal interaction, there must be no contact between human and mammals. Nevertheless, it is too arbitrary to argue that something did not happen in the past simply because we do not have the evidence. Probably ancient human had significant interaction with mammals, but because thousands years have passed, those things that can prove (that) the interaction (had actually happened between human and those mammals), such as written records and hunting tools, may be eroded or buried in deeper layer of earth so that people today have not yet find (found) them.

arbitrary选词
prove the interaction搭配
have not yet find动词形式

Another assumption that the author mentioned (provided) is that (the fact that) there is no bone of large mammals found in Kalito Islands means human did not hunt any mammal. It is possible that ancient people used those bones to make tools to cut fish or plants, and discarded those tools after they had broken. Or ancient people might carve those bones as decorations or tributes, and buried them in a place that people today still did not discover. If ancient people had damaged the bones or hided them in somewhere (some places) we cannot find, the author’s assumption cannot hold true.

mentioned 选词
there is no bone of large mammals found in Kalito Islands means human did not hunt any mamma句子结构
in somewhere we cannot find - in some places


The author also assumes that if ancient people did not hunt those large mammals, the extinction must have not caused (been caused) by human behaviors. However, there might be other human actions that result in the extinction of large mammals. For example, as people needed fire to cook, they might have cut down a large portion of forest, in which large mammals used to live and hide from their natural enemy. Or as ancient people moved to those islands, they had brought some diseases that might not hurt human but were deadly to those mammals. In either of the cases mentioned above, the mammal might still extinct (die out) as a result of the migration of human beings.

been caused
extinct 是形容词吧


In conclusion, in order to examine whether the author’s argument is valid or not, some assumptions regarding the human-mammal interaction, the mammal’s bones, and human behaviors need to be comprehensively evaluated.




165) Humans arrived in the Kaliko Islands about 7,000 years ago, and within 3,000 years most of the large mammal species that had lived in the forests of the Kaliko Islands were extinct. Previous archaeological findings have suggested that early humans generally relied on both fishing and hunting for food; since archaeologists have discovered numerous sites in the Kaliko Islands where the bones of fish were discarded, it is likely that the humans also hunted the mammals. Furthermore, researchers have uncovered simple tools, such as stone knives, that could be used for hunting. The only clear explanation is that humans caused the extinction of the various mammal species through excessive hunting.

Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.



In the passage, the author argues that the only reason for the extinction of mammals in Kaliko Islands is human hunting, as archeologists have found fish bones and hunting tools in the islands. Nevertheless, we can come up with various interpretations mentioned by the writer, which may invalidate the author’s argument.

To begin with, the writer shows that as archeologist discovered the bones of fish in the islands, ancient people must have hunted mammals as well. A possible alternative explanation of the finding would be ancient people might only eat fish, as there is only fish bones found in the islands but no bones of mammals have discovered near the human settlements. Another interpretation would be ancient people did not eat neither fish nor mammals, because we cannot guarantee the fish bones were discarded by human beings. Unless we can find certain evidence, such as written records, to prove that ancient people did hunt mammals, the author’s argument cannot hold true.

Moreover, the author also mentions that the discovered tools like stone knife were used for hunting. Nonetheless, those knifes might have other functions instead of hunting. It is possible that ancient people used those stone knifes as decorations of their houses or as tributes. Or they might also have used those knifes to cut plants or fish meet for cooking and eating. Additionally, as people are relatively weak compared to large wild animals in the forest, probably ancient people had used those stone knifes as self-defense equipment in case of animal attacks. In any of the cases above, people did not use the discovered tools to hunt mammals, which would contradict with the author’s assumption.

Even if people had hunted those mammals, there might be other factors that had caused the extinction rather than only because of human hunting behaviors. For example, during the three thousands years from the migration of human to the extinction of mammals, the climate might have changed significantly, which might be the reason for the extinction. What is more, those mammals might also extinct because of the appearance of new natural enemies, the lack of food, or even an unexpected disease. We cannot claim that human hunting is the only factor to cause the extinction unless we have the evidence to demonstrate that all the factors above are impossible to result in the extinction.

In conclusion,

牛奔奔UID: 3232412

雲靉玥 发表于 2015-7-21 17:07
7/21
Argument 54/165

看了第一篇， 有以下一些建议：

Para 1. The author also claims that this extinction could no have happened because of human hunting behaviors, 这句表达感觉有点生涩，如果想表达human behavior不是extinction的原因，用The author also claims that this extinction couldn’t have happened as a result of human hunting behaviors, 是不是要好点？

Para 2. Have not yet find -> have not yet found

Para 3. Another assumption that the author mentioned is that there is no bone of large mammals found in Kalito Islands means human did not hunt any mammal. -> Another assumption that the author mentioned is the fact that there is no bone of large mammals found in Kalito Islands means human did not hunt any mammal.
这里是不是要加一个fact引导后面的从句做主语:the fact that...means human...

总体感觉写得很好，尤其是中间段的展开，其他可能性想的很多，我刚开始写，老是想不出来用来反驳的其他可能性，或者想出来感觉过于笼统和牵强，不够具体和有力，这里学习了~

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

7/23
Argument 62 (121 122 124)


62) The following appeared in a memo from the director of a large group of hospitals.

"In a laboratory study of liquid antibacterial hand soaps, a concentrated solution of UltraClean produced a 40 percent greater reduction in the bacteria population than did the liquid hand soaps currently used in our hospitals. During a subsequent test of UltraClean at our hospital in Workby, that hospital reported significantly fewer cases of patient infection than did any of the other hospitals in our group. Therefore, to prevent serious patient infections, we should supply UltraClean at all hand-washing stations throughout our hospital system.”

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.



In the memo, the director argues that hospitals within the system should use UltraClean in place of the hand soap currently used to prevent serious patient infections, as UltraClean can reduce 40 percent more bacteria and a hospital in Workby reported much fewer patient infections than other hospitals after using UltraClean. To examine the validity of the argument, we need to evaluate several assumptions that the director made related to the effectiveness of UltraClean comparing to the current hand soap, the condition of the test hospital, and the effectiveness of UltraClean to serious infections.


To begin with, the director assumes that UltraClean can kill more bacteria than the hand soap currently used in most hospitals. Nevertheless, as the comparison is between the concentrated solution of UltraClean and the liquid hand soaps currently in use, the result would probably be different if the experiment is conducted between two kinds of hand soaps with the same concentration. In other words, it is possible that when comparing between the concentrated solutions of UltraClean and the current hand soap in use, the germicidal ability of the two kinds of hand soaps might be the same, and the hand soap currently used might even kill more bacteria. In this case, unless we conduct the test between the two hand soaps in the same concentration, either both in concentrated solutions or in liquid hand soap solutions, it is too arbitrary to claim that UltraClean can prevent more bacteria.
comparing between 及物动词
germicidal ability好高端的词
arbitrary 选词
我觉得这里的assumption应该是 The lab results can accurately reflect the performance of the Ultra Clean soup in killing bacteria in hospitals.  



Another assumption that the director provided is that the use of UltraClean is the reason why the test hospital has a significant infection report than other hospitals in the system. However, there might be other factors that have caused the fewer infection cases in the test hospital. For example, the hospital in Worby may be cleaner than other hospitals, or the nurses in this hospital used some other medicine to prevent infections. In addition, the patients in the test hospital might be younger or might have less serious illness than those in other hospitals, so that they are more immune to bacteria. If any of the cases above caused the fewer infection reports in the test hospital, the director’s argument will not hold valid.

assumption- provide 搭配
the reason why the test hospital has a significant infection report than other hospitals in the system
这个句子的意思不符合原文啊 汗一个  

the nurses in this hospital used some other medicine to prevent infections.
这个可能性是不太靠谱的 用药的应该是医生而不是护士 常识啊  



Furthermore, it is also assumed that applying UltraClean to other hospitals can prevent serious patient infections. Even though UltraClean can reduce 40 percent of hand bacteria, we still cannot ensure it can work well on serious patient infection cases, as those bacteria caused serious infections will be tougher and more difficult to kill. What is more, as bacteria settled in other places of the body may also trigger infections, if those serious infections are caused more by bacteria settled in other part of the body, only changing the hand soap will not reduce the serious infection cases.

这里的assumption应该是 killing bacteria found in hands can necessarily reduce the cases of serious infection
感觉这个找assumption的能力还有待提高
those bacteria (that) caused serious infections
settled- 选词 found
trigger -lead to
注意hedging  不要用will


In conclusion, more assumptions regarding the hand soap, the hospital, and the cause of serious infections are needed to be examined in order to evaluate whether UltraClean can effectively reduce serious infections in all the hospitals within the system.

more - the

-----------
用了整整30m另外放到word里有3个typo。感觉不是很难写就磨磨蹭蹭的，速度啊！
最大的问题感觉是首尾段要列出分论点，不知道怎么用一两个词概括。

另外我看了一下其他三道题，下面这道没有那个serioius infection的case了，我只找到两个点，能不能把第二个点拆开两段写呢？
122) The following appeared in a memo from the director of a large group of hospitals.

In a controlled laboratory study of liquid hand soaps, a concentrated solution of extra strength UltraClean hand soap produced a 40 percent greater reduction in harmful bacteria than did the liquid hand soaps currently used in our hospitals. During our recent test of regular-strength UltraClean with doctors, nurses, and visitors at our hospital in Worktown, the hospital reported significantly fewer cases of patient infection (a 20 percent reduction) than did any of the other hospitals in our group. The explanation for the 20 percent reduction in patient infections is the use of UltraClean soap.

Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.

E1：减少40%可能是因为溶液的浓度不同
E2：比别的医院少20%可能是因为其他原因：气候，医院条件好，用了什么药物，大多是青壮年或者病情不严重

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

7/27
Issue 100

Colleges and universities should require their students to spend at least one semester studying in a foreign country.

Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.


虽然是同意这个题目的，但是感觉反对好写一点就disagree了
感觉最后一点有点没说清楚，看了老师的范文就觉得好像这段没什么说服力了
一共用了35分钟，然后typo还是有三四个



I disagree with the statement that studying in a foreign country for at least one semester should be a requirement for college students. 同意转做的不错 First, studying in a foreign country requires a large amount of money that many of the students cannot afford. Additionally, as the education system in other countries may be different, students who study abroad may not take the courses that fit in their plan. Some may argue that an experience in a foreign country can at least help students to perfect their foreign language skill. However, except the linguistic majors, this skill may not benefit most of the students’ major study.  

except the linguistic majors -  except for the linguistic majors 搭配

To begin with,  if studying abroad is a requirement for every college student, there will be a lot of students who do not have enough money to pay for the fees abroad. Although some students can get financial aid or scholarships from the college or the government to pay for their tuition fees, the fact is that the majority cannot. And even if students can pay their tuition fees using their financial aid, there are still many other things for them to pay for, such as everyday food, the houses they live in the foreign country, and the transportation between their home country and the country they would like to study in. Hence, this proposal is merely an idealistic fantasy as not every college student has the economic base to pay for the expensive trip.

the economic base 选词 financial resources  
写得挺好 是不是主题熟悉些就好写些？



Furthermore, if colleges and universities require students to study abroad, students may not find the courses suitable for their interests because the education system varies in different countries. For example, the majors in the United States are usually less specific than those in China. A communication major in the U.S. may merely select from several concentrations like mass communication, film and TV, and journalism, and this student is more likely to learn general knowledge. However, in China, there are more than twenty specific majors related to communication for students to choose from, and the courses are mostly about in-depth knowledge within a narrow major. In this case, the students exchange between the two countries may find their courses in the foreign country either too hard or too broad, resulting in the proposal may not benefit students’ major studies.

education system varies搭配
In this case, the students exchange between the two countries may find their courses in the foreign country either too hard or too broad, resulting in the proposal may not benefit students’ major studies. 句子结构 我觉得这个例子不太合适  
你讲的这些细节读者未必能理解  或许你可以说一下 教授的教学方式不同？ 中国的大学还是应试为主 美国需要做project  写paper  学生未必能适应


Some people may argue that studying abroad can at least improve students’ proficiency of foreign languages. Whereas, only those students who are majoring in linguistics or in a specific language need the advanced fluency of a specific language. Because studying in another country always requires a good foreign language skill before leaving, students need to take some language class when they are still in their home country. Those students who are major in other fields, engineering for example, all have pretty full schedules for their major studies, so that they do not have enough time to learn another language at an advanced level. A better foreign language skill might increase a student’s possibility to be hired, but if the language study interferes with this student’s major study, he or she may still not gain a competitive advantage compared to other graduates.

Whereas, 选词
increase a student’s possibility 搭配 chance/ likelihood
注意这道题没有要求你讨论challenge  要求是   you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.  所以你可以直接说 为了出国 需要花大量时间学外语 可能影响专业的学习


In conclusion, the study abroad program can establish as an election for interested students rather than a requirement for every college student because of the financial problem, the different education systems among different nations, and the lack of time for studying languages.

总的来说我觉得这篇写得挺好  之前的反馈 包括这周的 请抽时间汇总到excel表格里  

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

雲靉玥 发表于 2015-6-16 01:15
6/15Issue 65 Every individual in a society has a responsibilityto obey just laws and to disobey and  ...

Because laws are established  for the stability of the society, complying with laws that people think are  just can benefit both themselves and the whole society. 这句话语法是对的
我之前看走眼了

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

7/28
Argument 100

The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

Jazz music is extremely popular in the city of Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Also, a number of well-known jazz musicians own homes in Monroe. Nevertheless, the nearest jazz club is over an hour away. Given the popularity of jazz in Monroe and a recent nationwide study indicating that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment, a jazz music club in Monroe would be tremendously profitable.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.


感觉这片还是蛮好写的，但是还是用了32分钟。。再想assummption的时候磨蹭了，改了好几下，因为上周的assumption写的不太好。。。
其他的就是有两段我都没有写总结不知道可以不。。。感觉paraphrase的功力不行，实在不想在重复一遍同样的话TUT


In the passage, the author argues that building a jazz club in Monroe will earn a lot of money, as there are plenty of jazz fans in Monroe and no jazz club is open in Monroe. In order to examine whether the author’s proposal is profitable, we need to evaluate several assumptions made by the author related to the popularity of jazz in Monroe, the musicians’ house choice, and the profitability of a jazz club in Monroe.
挺好

To begin with, the author assumes that people in Monroe are mostly jazz lovers by pointing out the fact that more than 100,000 people went to the jazz festival in Monroe last summer and a jazz related radio program has the highest reputation in Monroe. This might not be true because it is possible that most people who attended the jazz festival are not from Monroe, and even though most of them are from the place, they might go there because there were no other big events happening in the city rather than because they love jazz music. In addition, the high-rated program “Jazz Nightly” may not prove that people in Monroe like to listen to jazz music. Perhaps there are only two radio programs in the area and “Jazz Nightly” is better compared to the only other program. Or most people in Monroe do not listen to the radio at all, so that the result only represents a small amount of people. In this case, jazz might not be that popular in Monroe.

happening-选词 taking place
so that选词 断句

highest-rated radio program  一般最高级都是三个或以上的比较 所以你这里提出的可能性是不靠谱的


The author also assumes that so many jazz musicians bought houses in Monroe because they thought jazz is popular in Monroe. Nevertheless, there might be other factors that impact the decisions of those jazz musicians. For example, maybe Monroe has a moderate climate and near the ocean, resulting in many musicians bought houses there to spend their vacation. It is also possible that because jazz is not popular in Monroe, so that those famous jazz musicians can live quietly there without disturbing by jazz fans. Unless we have enough information to prove that the popularity of jazz is the only reason why jazz musicians own homes in Monroe, the author’s assumption might not hold true.

resulting in many musicians bought houses there to spend their vacation.句子结构
without disturbing- 动词用法 being disturbed


Furthermore, it is also assumed that a jazz club will be very profitable, as there is no jazz club in Monroe and a national wide study states that an average jazz fan can spend over $1,000 per year on jazz related entertainments. Even if jazz is a popular music genre in Monroe, we still cannot guarantee that people would like to spend their money in a jazz club. Probably they would like to spend most of that money buying jazz CDs and listen to them at home rather than go to a jazz club. Additionally, as the study is based on all the people across the country, the result may not represent how much jazz fans in Monroe will pay for jazz entertainments. It is possible that jazz lovers in Monroe do not want to spend any money on jazz, so that the jazz club in Monroe still cannot attract a lot of customers and make money from it.

so that选词 这个后面一般是跟目的状语从句


In conclusion, the assumptions regarding the jazz fans, the jazz musicians, and jazz club need to be evaluated in order to examine whether a jazz music class in Monroe will be profitable or not.

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

7/29
Issue 105

Claim: Imagination is a more valuable asset than experience.
Reason: People who lack experience are free to imagine what is possible without the constraints of established habits and attitudes.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.


这个题目真的是好难，想了半天最后还是决定分类讨论。
写之前看了一下牛奔奔的作文，觉得最后的递进结构比说艺术更需要imagination好，就按照他的思路写的。学习啦~
但是尽管是这样还写了好长时间，得有40分钟以上。主要是写到科学家的地方卡掉了，想了很久具体事例最后还是没想出来，还是干货不够多，尤其碰到科学和政治法律的，而且写之前没有想好到底怎么写。下次注意。
这道题让我意识到刷题库的时候不仅要有提纲，还要协助具体干货，不然还是卡卡卡。


I disagree with the statement that experience has less value than creativity because it will limit one’s imagination. The truth is, for most of the routine jobs, people do not need or even cannot use their imagination when performing their jobs. For some jobs like scientists that may need a certain amount of imagination to come up with theories and solutions, experience is always serves as the guideline of their creativity. Even in fields such as art and music that one’s creativity decides whether this person will succeed in the most part, certain knowledge and skills still play a fundamental role for performing one’s imagination.

imagination和creativity 是两个概念 不能随意替换   
experience is always serves 句子结构


To begin with, as most people in our society need to perform their jobs according to the natural rules and established laws, those who are more experienced will do better in their positions. Farmers, for example, need to adhere to the natural rules. An experienced farmer knows that wheat need to be plant into the soil while paddy rice can only grow in the mud with certain amount of water. In this case, if a farmer do not have the knowledge of planting wheat and rice and only use his or her imagination to grow crops, his or her plants will probably not grow and ripe. People with other routine jobs like bus driver should also use their experience rather than creativity to do a good work; those experienced drivers will obey the traffic rules and know which road is the shortcut so that they can get a better safety records and save their time.

这个例子挺好 但是只适合这道题
不适合另外两道题  



For those jobs in scientific fields that require a certain amount of imagination, experience plays an essential role on guiding people’s creative thinking. Scientists need to use their imagination to figure out a distinguish research questions, possible solutions, and limitations when conducting their researches. Nevertheless, as all the science subjects develop so rapidly, if people do not have a certain knowledge base regarding the recent findings of the topic they want to research on, they cannot think out anything worthwhile to study from their imagination. Before they come up with something new, a responsible scientist need to read those past research papers related to the topic as much as possible to both have an idea of what we already know and avoid researching on the same issue with the identical method.

Nevertheless前后连贯有点问题
最后一句both可去掉


Furthermore, even for subjects such as art and music in which one’s creativity can almost decide whether this person will succeed in the field, abundant former experience still serves as the prerequisite of creativity. Classical music masters, such as Beethoven and Mozart who had created numerous masterpieces that popular even today, could only use their imagination after they had acquired the basic music knowledge and the fundamental skills of playing instruments. Additionally, many masterpieces are describing a certain thing or an event. Had those musicians not even observed the object or experienced the event, they would not have written it in the form of music even if they had a enormous amount of imagination.


many masterpieces are describing a certain thing or an event.这个点太抽象了
感觉艺术类的问题不太容易写好   最好避开


From all the discussion above, we can easily conclude that experience is more valuable than creativity, as it can serve as the prerequisite of using imagination, not to mention that there are many jobs that do not even need creativity.