雲靉玥 作文练习贴

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

英语学习背景：

11年考的托福写作24分（然后这个非主流ID其实是那个时候注册的。。。）
然后现在在美帝某大学准senior。虽然是communication专业的，可是作文仍然是心头的痛。
平时的assignment都是不限时可以查资料的，感觉和G还是有很大不同。
最大的问题就是时间问题，然后就是语法和拼写（依赖自动纠错太久了）

6月28考试AW3.5


下次考试时间：8-21，目标4.5


授权声明
本人为寄托ID 雲靉玥 的持有人，现通过本论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究，在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本人的所有习作及互改记录做教学与科研用途。



最后希望大家可以狠狠地批改我的作文！

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

目录：

4楼    6/9题目     Arguement 78（未限时）-  已点评，已修改

7楼    6/11题目   Issue 33 (1h)  -  已点评，已修改

8楼    6/12题目   Argument 28 (55m)  - 已点评，已修改

9楼    6/15题目   Issue 65 (55m)  -  已点评，已修改

10楼   6/16题目    Argument 15 (42m)  -  已点评，已修改

11楼   6/18题目    Issue 122 (45m)  -  已点评，已修改

13楼   6/19题目    Argument 84 (34m)   -  已点评，待修改

15楼   6/22题目   Issue 59 快速练习提纲 (12m)   - 已点评

16楼   5/25, 7/13题目    Issue 15 (6/23 50m,7/13 40m)   -  已点评，已修改

18楼   6/23题目    Issue 34 快速练习提纲 (12m)   -  已点评

21楼   6/1题目      Issue 7 (6/24 32m)   - 未点评

22楼   6/2题目      Argument 1 (6/24 28m)   -  未点评

23楼   6/24题目    Argument 35 快速练习全文 (30m)   -  已点评，待修改

27楼   6/25题目    Issue 57 快速练习全文 (15+30m)   -  已点评，待修改

28楼   6/29          内容反馈汇总之一：回应题目关键词和遵循写作指引

29楼   6/29, 7/22题目     Issue 78  (6/29提纲 15m，7/22全文 38m)   -   已点评，待修改

30楼   6/30          语言反馈之一：断句

31楼   7/1            内容反馈汇总之二：1+3模型

32楼   7/14题目     Argument 32 (32m)   -   已点评，已修改

33楼   7/15题目     Issue 13  (40m)   -   已点评，已修改

34楼   7/16题目     Argument 87  (30m)   -   已点评，待修改

35楼   7/17           内容反馈汇总

36楼   7/17           语言反馈汇总

37楼   7/20题目      Issue 91 (30m)   -   已点评，待修改

39楼   7/21题目      Argument 54/165 (29m)   -   已点评，待修改

41楼   7/23题目      Argument 62 (30m)   -   已点评，待修改

42楼   7/27题目      Issue 100 (35m)   -   已点评，待修改

44楼   7/28题目      Argument 100 (32m)   -   已点评，待修改

45楼   7/29题目      Issue 105 (40m)   -   已点评，待修改

46楼   7/29题目      Argument 34 (30m)   -   未点评

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

楼主是海本 基础应该不错嘛 先去你们学校的Writing Center找个靠谱的tutor哈
我这里你下决心参加就加我微信好了 tesolchina

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

6/9
argument 78
The following appeared in a memo from the vice president of a food distribution company with food storage warehouses in several cities.

Recently, we signed a contract with the Fly-Away Pest Control Company to provide pest control services at our fast-food warehouse in Palm City, but last month we discovered that over $20,000 worth of food there had been destroyed by pest damage. Meanwhile, the Buzzoff Pest Control Company, which we have used for many years, continued to service our warehouse in Wintervale, and last month only $10,000 worth of the food stored there had been destroyed by pest damage. Even though the price charged by Fly-Away is considerably lower, our best means of saving money is to return to Buzzoff for all our pest control services.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.     

因为是第一次写全文写了一个多小时还觉得写的很烂。。。

句子	学生自评	内容点评	语言点评
Para 1
In the memo, the vise president of the food distributioncompany claims that the company should still use Buzzoff as their warehouses’pest control provider, as less worth of food in Buzzoff’s site was damaged by pest last year than in Fly-Away’s site.	对文章论据和结论的概括		vice less worth of food表达
In order to examine the argument, we need more information about the condition of two warehouses, the value of food stored in thewarehouse, and the past performance of the two pest control companies.	提出三个evidence
Para 2
First of all, the author fails to consider that the different storing condition in the two warehouses may also influence the effectiveness of pest control service.	提出第一个需要的evidence
As the two warehouses are located in different cities, Palm and Wintervale respectively, the weather condition might be different as well.	指出和上句相关的某种可能性
Consider if Palm is located in a warmer place and Wintervalein a cooler place, the pests in Palm will be more active than those in Wintervale, so that it is more challenging to prevent pests in Palm than inWintervale.	具体举例展开讨论这种可能性
Therefore, it is necessary to know whether the twowarehouses have similar storing condition in order to compare the effectiveness of the two companies’ service.	呼应论点		storing condition这里还是回应前面说的weather就好了
Para 3
In addition, it is arbitrary to claim that Buzzoff has abetter service only based on the fact that Fly-Away’s site lost more moneywithout comparing the total value of the food in the two warehouse.	说明现有数据不够并提出需要的evidence		句子挺流畅
Maybe the quantity or unit price of the food storing inFly-Away’s warehouse is significantly higher than that in Buzzoff’s, so that the food in Fly-Away’s warehouse worth more value.	指出和上句相关的某种可能性		为什么要提到unit price?
In that case, the percentage of loss related to thetotal value of the food in Fly-Away’s site will be lower than that in Buzzoff’s site, overturning the argument stated in the memo.	指出如果这种可能性成立会有什么结论
Para 4
Finally, only comparing one month’sperformance of the two companies is insufficient to draw the conclusion; themore information we gather about the two companies’ past performance, the morecomprehensive picture we can get about their efficiency.	说明现有数据不够并提出需要的evidence
We need to review the pest controlrecord of both companies, at least five to ten years all over the nation, tobetter examine their ability of handling pest.	提出解决方案	这段略嫌简短 需要指出一个月的数据不够 可能有特殊情况等等
Para 5
In conclusion, more evidencerelated to the condition of the two warehouses, the total value of the food andthe pest control record of the two companies are required in order toaccurately evaluate the two companies’ service.	总结段

感觉你的基础挺好 如果要拿到4.5的话 可能8月机会更大一些 当然如果6月能搞定是最好



-----------------------------------------------------------
6/17 修改版本：

In the memo, the vice president of the food distributioncompany claims that the company should still use Buzzoff as their warehouses’pest control provider, as less value of food in Buzzoff’s site was damaged bypest last year than in Fly-Away’s site. In order to examine the argument, weneed more information about the condition of two warehouses, the value of foodstored in the warehouse, and the past performance of the two pest controlcompanies.

First of all, the author fails to consider that thedifferent storing condition in the two warehouses may also influence theeffectiveness of pest control service. As the two warehouses are located indifferent cities, Palm and Wintervale respectively, the weather condition mightbe different as well. Consider if Palm is located in a warmer place andWintervale in a cooler place, the pests in Palm will be more active than thosein Wintervale, so that it will be more challenging for Fly-Away to preventpests in Palm. Therefore, it is necessary to know whether the two warehouseshave similar weather condition in order to compare the effectiveness of the twocompanies’ service.

In addition, it is arbitrary to claim that Buzzoff has abetter service only based on the fact that Fly-Away’s site lost more moneywithout comparing the total value of the food in the two warehouse. Maybe thequantity of the food storing in Fly-Away’s warehouse is significantly higherthan that in Buzzoff’s, so that the food in Fly-Away’s warehouse worth morevalue. In that case, the percentage of loss related to the total value of thefood in Fly-Away’s site will be lower than that in Buzzoff’s site, overturningthe argument stated in the memo.

Finally, only comparing one-month’sperformance of the two companies is insufficient to draw the conclusion. Theremight be accidents, such as sudden natural disaster, happened during theone-month period that causes an aberrant result. To solve this problem, we needto review the pest control record of both companies, at least five to ten yearsall over the nation, to better examine their ability of handling pest. Afterall, the more information we gather about the two companies’ past performance,the more comprehensive picture we can get about their efficiency.

In conclusion, more evidencerelated to the condition of the two warehouses, the total value of the food andthe pest control record of the two companies are required in order toaccurately evaluate the two companies’ service.

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-9 23:27
楼主是海本 基础应该不错嘛 先去你们学校的Writing Center找个靠谱的tutor哈
我这里你下决心参加就加我微 ...

好的老师！
话说我基础其实挺一般的。。。主要是因为现在在国内需要一群一起练习的同伴~

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

ok 你还是把练习楼层的链接发到练习帖那里吧

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

6/11
Issue 33 /109

As we acquire more knowledge, things do not become more comprehensible, but more complex and mysterious.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

提纲
- public: more knowledge—>easier life
natural phenomenon
龙卷风，中国古代以为是龙，美国土著以为是神马，而现在人们了解了关于龙卷风的知识知道了他是自然现象以及如何避难
human behavior
了解关于睡眠的知识-sleep paralysis并不是鬼怪导致，而是因为睡姿不对，睡前过度用脑和压力大所致

- experts: more knowledge—>more questions
龙卷风，如何更准确的预测与更有效的预防？与温室效应的联系？


这次感觉写的不是很好，感觉题目很难花了很多时间查资料，可是还是用了一小时才写完的

句子	学生自评	内容点评	语言点评
Para 1
For years, the issue about  whether obtaining more knowledge will make things more complex and  mysterious, or will it make things more comprehensible, arouses much  controversy among people with different backgrounds.	问题	这种套话不合时宜啊
In my perspective, the answer  should depend on what kind of people we are talking about. For the general  public, acquiring more knowledge will help them better understand the world  and themselves, while for the expert in various fields, more knowledge leads  to more questions to answer.	回答
Para 2
No one can deny that as people  gaining more knowledge, they can comprehend those complex natural phenomenon  that used to confuse them.	ts1 public-natural phenomenon		gain
Take tornado as an example.	举例
In the past, people cannot  explain where the tornado comes from and why does it happen, so they came up  with bizarre theories and treated it like a god. Ancient Chinese thought  tornados are dragons that come down to get water; Native Americans thought they  are horses with superpower as they cannot make one themselves, and even prey  to those “horses.”	没有知识- 这里要概括功能而不是内容		why it happens so前面断句
However, as the study of  meteorological science advances, people acquire more knowledge about tornados  and understand that they are only natural phenomenon rather than messengers  of god.	有知识了以后+
Para 3
For common people, more  knowledge can also help them explain their own behaviors and manage  themselves.	ts1 public-human behavior
One example is sleep  paralysis, a common sleep disease today, which characterized by temperately  muscle weakness while dozing off or waking up.	举例		which is
Nevertheless, many years ago,  even in some under educated place nowadays, if one person is unable to move  or speak when awaking from sleep, he or she is considered haunted by a ghost  and many people even fall into worse disease because of fear.	没有知识-		many years ago,  even in some under educated place nowadays,这样写很容易造成误会
Today, as people know more  knowledge about sleep, they understand that sleep paralysis is a common  disease caused by stress and can manage to recover.	有知识后+	这个例子好偏门啊
Para 4
Common knowledge is enough for  general public to explain the world around them, but for those scientists and  researchers, a set of new knowledge often generates more complex and  mysterious questions.	承上启下 ts2 experts	不错
The example about tornado I  mentioned above can clearly prove the difference.	举例		illustrate the difference
Common people normally stop by  knowing that tornado is dangerous and what should they do when seeing a  tornado.	common people
Nonetheless, environmental  science exports will ask questions such as how can people predict more  precisely when and where tornado appears; how can we minimize the damage of  tornado, and is there a relationship between the more frequently appeared  tornado and the worse of global warming,	experts	这里的讨论并没有体现出more mysterious 或complex	how to predict 注意从句的词序
In that case, more knowledge  for scientists and experts leads them to a larger mysterious world.	扣主题
Para 5
In conclusion, for the general  public, more knowledge means they can explain more complex phenomenon around  them, while for the expert in certain field, more knowledge in their  expertise leads to more mysterious questions waiting for them to solve. Everybody  could be an expert in the field he or she is good at to explore the more  complex and mysterious world, but at the same time, this person could be a  member of general public to use other people’s findings to easy his or her  life.	总结段

-------------------------------------------------------------
6/17 修改版本

In my perspective, the issue about whetherobtaining more knowledge will make things more complex and mysterious shoulddepend on what kind of people we are talking about. For the general public,acquiring more knowledge will help them better understand the world andthemselves, while for the expert in various fields, more knowledge leads tomore questions to answer.

No one can deny that as people gain moreknowledge, they can comprehend those complex natural phenomenon that used toconfuse them. Take tornado as an example. In the past, people cannot explainwhere the tornado comes from and why does it happen, so, they came up withbizarre theories and treated it like a god. Ancient Chinese thought tornadosare dragons that come down to get water; Native Americans thought they arehorses with superpower as they cannot make one themselves, and even prey tothose “horses.” However, as the study of meteorological science advances,people acquire more knowledge about tornados and understand that they are onlynatural phenomenon rather than messengers of god.

For common people, more knowledge can also helpthem explain their own behaviors and manage themselves. One example is sleepparalysis, a common sleep disease today, which is characterized by temperatelymuscle weakness while dozing off or waking up. Nevertheless, many years ago, ifone person is unable to move or speak when awaking from sleep, he or she isconsidered haunted by a ghost and many people even fall into worse diseasebecause of fear. Today, as people know more knowledge about sleep, theyunderstand that sleep paralysis is a common disease caused by stress and canmanage to recover.

Common knowledge is enough for general publicto explain the world around them, but for those scientists and researchers, aset of new knowledge often generates more complex and mysterious questions. Theexample about tornado I mentioned above can clearly illustrate the difference. Forcommon people, knowing what to do when seeing a tornado is enough for them tosolve problem related to it. Nonetheless, for environmental science exports, tosolve their problem related to tornado, they have many complex questions toanswer, such as how to predict the tornado more precisely, how to minimize thedamage of tornado, and how to treat the relationship between the morefrequently appeared tornado and the worse of global warming. In that case, moreknowledge for scientists and experts leads them to a larger mysterious world.

In conclusion, for the general public, moreknowledge means they can explain more complex phenomenon around them, while forthe expert in certain field, more knowledge in their expertise leads to moremysterious questions waiting for them to solve. Everybody could be an expert inthe field he or she is good at to explore the more complex and mysteriousworld, but at the same time, this person could be a member of general public touse other people’s findings to easy his or her life.

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

6/12  

Argument 24/26/28

28. The following appeared in the summary of a study onheadaches suffered by the residents of Mentia.        

Salicylates are members of the same chemical family as aspirin,a medicine used to treat headaches. Although many foods are naturally rich insalicylates, for the past several decades, food-processing companies have alsobeen adding salicylates to foods as preservatives. This rise in the commercialuse of salicylates has been found to correlate with a steady decline in the averagenumber of headaches reported by participants in our twenty-year study.Recently, food-processing companies have found that salicylates can also beused as flavor additives for foods. With this new use for salicylates, we canexpect a continued steady decline in the number of headaches suffered by theaverage citizen of Mentia.        

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstatedassumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends onthese assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if theassumptions prove unwarranted.

提纲：

论点：the new use of salicylates as flavoradditives for foods can decrease the number of headaches suffered by theaverage citizen of Mentia

-study是公正可信的。（吃过别的辅助药物没有上报或者misreporting发病次数，很多影响结果的factor都没有排除在外）

- study中的reporters的头疼数减少只和s有关。（生活环境，质量，医疗条件的变好，甚至气候变好都可能减少头疼

- s对全城人都有用。（食用过量可能出现有不头疼的人对s过敏导致更多人得病，也可能根本发病率就不高没必要给全城人吃）

感觉这一词写得比第一篇顺畅很多，但是还是用了50分钟。很多错别字打的时候并没有发现，放到word李改过来的。。。另外感觉argument还是比issue简单很多，毕竟不用自己找例子><

句子	学生自评	内容点评	语言点评
Para 1
According to the summary, the  new use of salicylates as flavor additives for foods can decrease the average  number of headache suffered from Mentia people. The author mentions that a  study proves the effectiveness of declining the number of headaches among the  participants by using salicylates.	概括原文	你的概括不够忠实原文 a  study proves the effectiveness of declining the number 原文并没有prove 什么 只是发现某种相关性
To evaluate the argument, we  need to test several assumptions regarding to the study, the participants,  and the citizens in Mentia.	论点
Para 2
First and foremost, the  statement in the summary assumes that the study is fair and credible.	TS1
Nevertheless, there is no  indication of which organization had done this study. Maybe the people who  did this study are related to the food distribution company, and the findings  is only a lie to justify the using of salicylates in foods.	可能性1	这个可能性不太靠谱
Even though there is no  connection between the organization who did the survey and the company, it is  possible that the organization is not professional enough to eliminate the  factors, such as age, gender, habits, and food preference, of the participants  that might influence the finding.	让步，可能性2	也不是很靠谱
Additionally, it is arbitrary  to rely on people reporting their illness, as they may forget how many times  they had headache when they recalling the past.	可能性3	这个可以   你还可以提一下取样的问题
All of the factors above may  impact the credibility of the study and causing the argument untenable.	总结
Para 3
Another assumption the author  made is that the reduction of headaches among the reporters is correlated to  the use of salicylates.	TS2	本来就是correlated 不是假设 假设的是因果关系
However, there may be many  other factors that can affect the illness other than salicylates, as there is  no limit for the participants.	可能性1		as there is  no limit for the participants.不懂你的意思
For example, the participants  may have taken other kind of medicine to treat their headache, and maybe it  was the other kind of medicine that worked.	举例
Also, because the study has  taken place for 20 years, many things have changed. The clearer air, higher  living standard, and better medical facility may all contribute to the  decline of headache number.	可能性2
Para 4
Finally, the summary assumes  that applying salicylates in foods as flavor additives will benefit all  citizens in Mentia, but had the author consider that as there is already  abundant salicylates in the food, the additional salicylates may cause more  people to get ill, even those healthy people.	TS3 可能性1	这里主题句和后面的讨论要分开	had the author consider that as there is already  abundant salicylates in the food这是问句 还是条件从句倒装 还是写错了
In addition, there is  possibility that the headache rate in the city is extremely low, so that  there is even no need to serve salicylates for the whole city of people.	可能性2	不靠谱
In ether of the case above,  adding salicylates will not benefit the majority of the citizens.	总结
Para 5
In conclusion, we need to at  least prove the assumptions above are true in order to justify the statement  claimed in the summary. Otherwise, the claim will not be supported.	总结段

------------------------------------

6/117 修改版本

Accordingto the summary, the new use of salicylates as flavor additives for foods candecrease the average number of headache suffered from Mentia people. The authormentions that a study finds the correlation between using salicylates and thedecline of the number of headaches among the participants. To evaluate theargument, we need to test several assumptions regarding to the study, theparticipants, and the citizens in Mentia.

Firstand foremost, the statement in the summary assumes that the study is fair andcredible. Nevertheless, it is arbitrary to rely on people reporting theirillness, as they may forget how many times they had headache when theyrecalling their past memories. Additionally, the summary does not mention howmany people participated in the study. If the study does not have a largesample size, it is impossible to prove the significance of the conclusion thatsalicylates can mitigate headache in a large population. Both of the factorsabove may impact the credibility of the study and causing the argumentuntenable.

Anotherassumption the author made is that the reduction of headaches among thereporters is correlated to the use of salicylates. However, there may be manyother factors that can affect the illness other than salicylates, as there isno limit for the participants. For example, the participants may have takenother kind of medicine to treat their headache, and maybe it was the other kindof medicine that worked. Also, because the study has taken place for 20 years,many things have changed. The clearer air, higher living standard, and bettermedical facility may all contribute to the decline of headache number.

Finally,the summary assumes that applying salicylates in foods as flavor additives willdecrease the headache rate among all citizens in Mentia. However, had theauthor consider that as there is already abundant salicylates in the food, theadditional salicylates may cause more people to get sick, even those healthypeople? Even large dose of salicylates in food will not cause health problem topeople, there is probability that citizens do not consume those food withsalicylates as flavor additives because of the taste or price, resulting in nochange in headache rate. In ether of the case above, adding salicylates willnot reduce the average number of people suffer from headache in Mentia.

Inconclusion, we need to at least prove the assumptions above are true in orderto justify the statement claimed in the summary. Otherwise, the claim will notbe supported.

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

6/15

Issue 65

Every individual in a society has a responsibilityto obey just laws and to disobey and resist unjust laws.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent towhich you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting yourposition, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples thatcould be used to challenge your position.

这次仍然是55分钟。。。总是控制不了时间，字数写的太多不知道怎么简单的写完一段然后赶快到下一段。
还有个问题，我发现我写过了提纲但是在写作文的时候还是会有改动，导致在写的时候还是需要浪费很多时间用来思考怎么些比较有逻辑性。
另外最后一段总是急急忙忙的写完感觉没什么具体存在价值，但又觉得必须得有。老师觉得这样的结尾可以么？


我觉得中间段的写作应该形成自己熟悉的讨论 先提出观点
然后进行解释
再举例子
解释例子如何支持观点
最后总结观点


基本就是这个模式  

句子	学生自评	内容点评	语言点评
Para 1
I disagree with the argument  that people should only obey just laws and resist unjust laws.	表达观点
In my opinion, citizens have  responsibilities to comply with all laws, both just and unjust ones, to keep  the society stable and safe.	TS1，2
Even when someone find  that a law is unreasonable, he or she should not rebel immediately, but  rather call for revision via legal means.	TS3	我觉得用unreasonable 代替unjust挺好 对于justice这种大坑 还是不要往下跳	revision- reform
Para 2
There is no doubt that people  should obey just laws.	TS 1
Because laws are established  for the stability of the society, complying with laws that people think are  just can benefit both themselves and the whole society.	解释上句		are  just can benefit 语法
For example, the speed limit  on free ways can be a law that most of the people consider as a just one, as  it ensures people’s safety on the road.	例子
When a person drives faster  than the maximum speed limit, the car this person drives may crush into other  cars or even rush out of the road; when drives slower than the minimum limit,  other cars may bump into this car.	例子展开
Either of the situations will  lead serious safety problems, so that obeying just laws is a necessity for  all citizens.	总结	这段写得不错
Para 3
Other than just laws, one  should also comply with unjust laws established in the society.	TS2
Just and unjust is  intrinsically ambiguous words, as the threshold between them is different for  various individuals.	这个是下一句的前提呃。。	你这句话和上句话矛盾了 如果unjust这个概念有争议 你前一句怎么如此肯定的说unjust laws established呢	Just and unjust is  主谓一致
As laws are established for  the greatest good of the greatest number of people, it is highly possible  that some minorities are neglected and are placed in an unjust position.	提出可能性
. For instance, still on the  free way, a person exceeds the speed limit and is caught by a police needs to  pay a fine according to the law. In this case, the person might think the law  is unjust, as this person does not hurt anyone, but need to be punished.  However, if everyone overspeed on the free way and not taking responsibility  for the mistake, the road will become a mess.	例子 （动作分析请逐句进行）	你这里的论述是有问题的 不是说超速没有伤害到别人就不应该受到惩罚 超速要受罚的原因是这种原因增加了意外的风险 因此需要通过惩罚来增加超速的成本 从而遏制这种行为 所以这里不存在不公义的问题
Therefore, for the greatest  good, unjust laws are also worthwhile to comply with.	总结
Para 4
Obeying all the laws,  nevertheless, does not means that laws are all just and should not be  change.	连接	这里没有明显的回应挑战	be changed
In the case when people find  laws that are truly unreasonable, we still need to resist, but not in a  direct way.	TS 3
Other than disobeying the law,  there are still chances for people to change the law in a legal way.	上句延伸
For example, people can  publish opinion and editorial pieces on popular newspapers, or shot critical  videos or films about the problem to raise the public awareness of the  issue.	解决方案
Many places are changing the  marriage law to allowing homosexual marriage because of the public awareness  of this problem.	算是例子？		Many places are changing 赤裸裸地翻译啊 to allow 这个例子可以 但是应该早点提出并展开讨论
Para 5
In conclusion, I believe  that citizens should comply with both just and unjust laws for the stability  of the entire society. After all, they have other ways to improve the law if  it is truly unjust for the majority.	总结

------------------------------

修改版本

Idisagree with the argument that people should only obey just laws and resistunjust laws. In my opinion, citizens have responsibilities to comply with alllaws, both just and unjust ones, to keep the society stable and safe. Even whensomeone find that a law is unreasonable, he or she should not rebelimmediately, but rather call for reform via legal means.

Thereis no doubt that people should obey just laws. Because laws are established forthe stability of the society, complying with laws that people think are fair canbenefit both themselves and the whole society. For example, the speed limit onfree ways can be a law that most of the people consider as a just one, as itensures people’s safety on the road. When a person drives faster than themaximum speed limit, the car this person drives may crush into other cars oreven rush out of the road; when drives slower than the minimum limit, othercars may bump into this car. Either of the situations will lead serious safetyproblems, so that obeying just laws is a necessity for all citizens.

Forthose laws that seem unjust, we still need to comply with them for the sake ofthe stability of the society. First, just and unjust are intrinsicallyambiguous words, because the threshold between them is different for variousindividuals. As there is no clear discrimination between just and unjust laws,it would be dangerous to allow people disobey with unjust laws, because somepeople might use the allowance to disobey any law that they do not want tocomply with, even those just laws. For instance, if the government allowspeople to disobey unjust laws, people can steal or destroy anything they wantwithout taking any responsibility by simply claiming that the property law isunjust. In this case, the authority and integrity of the law would bethreatened and the society would become a mess. Therefore, for the stability ofthe society, unjust laws are also worthwhile to comply with.

Some people might argue that the society would not progress if citizens cannotchallenge the laws that are truly unreasonable. Obeying all the laws,nevertheless, does not means that people cannot resist. In the case when peoplefind laws that are truly unreasonable, we still need to resist, but not in adirect way. Other than disobeying the law, there are other chances for peopleto change the law in a legal way. For example, people can publish opinion andeditorial pieces on popular newspapers, or shot critical videos or films aboutthe problem to raise the public awareness of the issue. Many places arechanging the marriage law to allowing homosexual marriage because of the publicawareness of this problem.

Inconclusion, I believe that citizens should comply with both just and unjustlaws for the stability of the entire society. After all, they have other waysto improve the law if it is truly unjust for the majority.

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

6/16
Argument 15

The following memorandum is from the business manager of Happy Pancake House restaurants.

Recently, butter has been replaced by margarine in Happy Pancake House restaurants throughout the southwestern United States. This change, however, has had little impact on our customers. In fact, only about 2 percent of customers have complained, indicating that an average of 98 people out of 100 are happy with the change. Furthermore, many servers have reported that a number of customers who ask for butter do not complain when they are given margarine instead. Clearly, either these customers do not distinguish butter from margarine or they use the term 'butter' to refer to either butter or margarine.

Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.

提纲

- 只有2%抱怨很可能是很大的impact，因为以前也许没人抱怨

- 98%的人没抱怨不等于happy with the change，可能顾客懒得和服务员说，只和朋友说，或者选择不来。

- 很多servers report没有抱怨很可能是因为他们隐瞒了真相，因为害怕被老板fire掉。   


这次写的稍微快了一点，但还是42分钟才写完，感觉下次必须得逼自己30分钟之内写完写不完也不能写了！！
纠结了很久到底应该怎么写，也参考了一下其他同学的思路。
还有就是单词拼写拼写拼写啊！所有的explanation都拼错了真的是不应该！

句子	作用	内容点评	语言点评
Para 1
In the memo, the business  manager from Happy Pancake House restaurants argues that the change from  serving butter to margarine does not affect its customers’ attitudes toward  the restaurant.	概括论点
To prove the claim, the  manager also mentions the statistics of customer complain rate and the report  from its severs.	概括论据		prove--> support complaint rate
However, we can come up with  different interpretations from the evidence the manager mentions, which may  cause the manager’s argument being invalid.	提出论点		cause the manager’s argument being invalid表达 invalidate
Para 2
First of all, the manager  shows that only two percent of the customers has complained about the change,  which demonstrates that the change has little influence to the  customers.	文章论据1
However, the two percent  complain rate might be a high complain rate, as there might be no people  complain about the butter before the restaurant changed it to margarine.	alternative explanation 1	这个点不是很靠谱	there might be no people  complain句子结构
Another explanation to this  rate would be only few customers ordered food with butter, say ten percent,  and others did not.	alternative explanation 2
In this case, the complain  rate for people who ordered food with butter would be 20 percent, which is  obviously a large complain rate.	解释上句
Therefore, either of the  explanations could prove the argument wrong.	总结	这里不是因果关系 用therefore不对	prove the argument wrong.表达 challenge the validity of the argument
Para 3
Additionally, the statement  that 98 percent of people are happy with the change could be interpreted  differently	文章论据1	这个98%本身就是一种诠释 而不是诠释的对象 这里可以看出你对这类题目的要求理解不够准确
It is highly possible that a  lot of people who are discontent with margarine did not complain to the  restaurant.	alternative explanation
They may feel embarrassed  present their dissatisfaction in public and only complain to their families  and friends, or even on Yelp; or they may keep silent and choose not to eat  here anymore.	上句展开		present their dissatisfaction 严重句子结构问题 Yelp是啥？ 社交网络？ Yelp是类似大众点评网的饭店评论搜索app，赶脚美国人应该知道
In these cases, people  actually have impacted by the change, which will contradict with the  assumption of the manager.	总结		have impacted by the change严重句子结构问题
Para 4
Finally, the author also  claims that many waiters report that people generally do not complain when  they are giving the alternative “butter” they asked for.	文章论据2		when  they are giving the alternative “butter” they asked for. 两个they指代混乱
Nevertheless, the servers’  reports cannot prove that the customers are not impacted by the change.	提出可能性
A possible explanation would  be the customers actually complained and the servers did not tell the truth  to the manager, as customer discontent may result in those servers being  fired.	alternative explanation		customer discontent may result in those servers being  fired.改写句子
Hence, if the explanation is  true, it may weaken the manager’s statement.	总结		statement - argument
Para 5
In conclusion, there are many  alternative explanations to the evidence mentions by the manager regarding to  the statistics of customer complain rate and the report of the servers, which  may probably alter the conclusion of the manager.	总结
The restaurant should consider  these alternative explanations before making the decision.	提出建议

总的来说写的还可以
但是对于哪些是事实 哪些是解释 还没有完全分清楚
另外语言表达问题较严重 请往句子加油站


------------------------------

修改版本

In the memo, the business manager from HappyPancake House restaurants argues that the change from serving butter tomargarine does not affect its customers’ attitudes toward the restaurant. To supportthe claim, the manager also mentions the statistics of customer complaint rateand the report from its severs. However, we can come up with differentinterpretations from the evidence the manager mentions, which may invalidatethe manager’s argument.

First of all, the manager shows that only twopercent of the customers has complained about the change, which demonstratesthat the change has little influence to the customers. An alternativeexplanation to the two percent complaint rate is that only few customersordered food with butter, say ten percent, and others did not. In this case,the complain rate for people who ordered food with butter would be 20 percent,which is obviously a large complain rate. If this is the case, it would besufficient to challenge the validity of the argument.

Another explanation to the low complaint ratewould be few people have complained. It is highly possible that a lot of peoplewho are discontent with margarine did not want or did not have the chance to complainto the restaurant. They may feel embarrassed to show their dissatisfaction inpublic and only complain to their families and friends, or even on Yelp; orthey may keep silent and choose not to eat here anymore. In these cases, peopleare actually unhappy with the change, which will contradict with the assumptionof the manager.

Finally, the author also claims that manywaiters report that people generally do not complain when they are given thealternative “butter” they asked for. Nevertheless, the servers’ reports cannotprove that the customers are not impacted by the change. A possible explanationwould be the customers actually complained and the servers did not tell thetruth to the manager, as they might be fired if receive too many complaintsfrom customers. Hence, if the explanation is true, it may weaken the manager’s claim.

In conclusion, there are many alternativeexplanations to the evidence mentions by the manager regarding to thestatistics of customer complain rate and the report of the servers, which mayprobably alter the conclusion of the manager. The restaurant should considerthese alternative explanations before making the decision.

改完了变得有点少，不到400字，是不是需要再加一点呢。。。

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

6/18

Issue122

122)The best way to understand the character of a society is to examine thecharacter of the men and women that the society chooses as its heroes or itsrole models.

Writea response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree withthe claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address themost compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge yourposition.

这一次的真的是好难啊！自己想了好久最后还是参考了老师的和同学的文章才写出来提纲。然后因为快考试了就写了全文，如果思路不行我再改> <

花了45分钟左右才写完全文（中途奇怪的文档软件出了点问题打断思路了。。）基本上30分钟才写完第三段T T，还是要多练习啊多练习，写得慢还刹不住车，例子都解释一堆怕说不清楚。。。是不是把每段的TS和结尾先写出来会好一点呢，不至于最后写不完？

句子	作用	内容点评	语言点评
Para 1
I strongly disagree with the  statement that heroes and role models can represent the characters of the  society.	观点
First, many idols are not  selected by people, but by those powerful people in the society as they can  benefit those authorities.	TS1		they指代不明
Also, as many societies can share a same  role model, the characters of those heroes might not be unique to one  society.	TS2	这个point很好！	the same
Additionally, as people vary  in one society, the characters of a couple of people cannot delegate the  characters of the whole society.	TS3	这个点不太清楚 而且你没有回应可能的challenge	... of people vary
Para 2
To begin with, the authorities  in the society often have a large influence to the selection of role models  and heroes.	TS
Many politicians and  consortiums introduce idols to the public via media to take advantages from  them.	解释上句
. Kim Jong-un, the president  of North Korea, is a proper example。	例子	我觉得这三句话authorities- politicians- Kim的逐层具体非常清晰	president- supreme leader
He created his idol image  himself, just like what his father and his grandfather did.	介绍例子
The reason for him to be an  idol of North Korea is not because North Korean people value his characters  as representation of the nation, but because people have to admit his power  in result of dictatorship.	解释例子		admit his power  in result of dictatorship- succumb to his brutal military dictatorship
There are many people who do  not adore Kim or choose to worship other idols, but the result of doing so is  to either die immediately or die later in the concentration camp.	解释例子	投胎到北韩就是倒霉
Therefore, we cannot examine  the character of a society through heroes and role models as they are not  chose by the people in that society.	总结		when they are not chosen
Para 3
Even the idols that are  selected by the majority of people in the society, however, still may not  delegate the character of that society.	TS		句子结构  只有让步从句 delegate character  搭配
Because many societies share  same heroes and role models, the characters in those people is not unique to  any one of those societies.	解释上句		the same people指代不明 are not unique
For example, Michael Jackson  is well known as an idol of the world, not only for his brilliant talent in  music and his record in music that nobody can exceed for years, but also for  his enthusiasm in charity and children.	介绍例子		nobody can surpass (or emulate)
Nevertheless, all of his  outstanding characters cannot represent one society, as almost all of the  people in the world adore these characters.	解释例子		dedication to charity and welfare of children
As a result, we cannot find  the character of one society by studying the character of an idol, as other  societies may also worship this person and his or her character.	总结
Para 4
Furthermore, there are all  kinds of people in a society; it is too arbitrary to decide a society's  character by only evaluating the character of its heroes and role  models.	TS
Even though the majority of  people within a society value a hero or an idol, it is not to say that  everyone in that society also adore that person or his or her character.	解释上句	这个点不靠谱 需要按题目要求回应challenge
An example for this can be a  person who jumped into the water and saved others' lives is honored to be a  hero of the society, but it is highly possible that many people within the  society do not believe that altruism is an important character.	例子
They might think the hero is  stupid to save some strangers’ lives and leave his or her family in  sadness.	例子展开
Hence, the characters  that those idols have cannot indicate all the perspectives that people have  in the society.	总结
Para 5
In conclusion, examining the  character of idols cannot help us reveal the true character the society  has.	总结
Rather than study the  character of heroes and role models in the society, focusing more on the  ordinary people in the society can be a more comprehensive way to understand  the characters that a society values.	提出建议

-------------------------------

修改版本

I strongly disagree with the statement thatheroes and role models can represent the characters of the society. First, manyidols are not selected by common people, but by those powerful people in thesociety as the popularity of those idols can benefit those authorities. Peoplemay argue that if role models are selected by the public, they will representthe society’s character. However, as many societies can share the same rolemodel, the characters of those heroes might not be unique to one society. Additionally,idols usually contain characters that common people do not have, which cannotreveal the character of a society.

To begin with, the authorities in thesociety often have a large influence to the selection of role models andheroes. Many politicians and consortiums introduce idols to the public viamedia to take advantages from them. Kim Jong-un, the supreme leader of NorthKorea, is a proper example for this. He created his idol image himself, justlike what his father and his grandfather did. The reason for him to be an idolof North Korea is not because North Korean people value his characters asrepresentation of the nation, but because people have to succumb to his brutalmilitary dictatorship. There are many people who do not adore Kim or choose toworship other idols, but the result of doing so is to either die immediately ordie later in the concentration camp. Therefore, we cannot examine the characterof a society through heroes and role models, as they are not chosen by the generalpublic in that society.

People might argue that because the general publicworships the idols, studying those idols will at least reveal what the societyvalues, which may represent the character of the society. Nevertheless, thetruth is even though the idols are selected by the majority of people in thesociety, they still may not tell us about what characters the society has. Onthe one hand, because many societies share same heroes and role models, thecharacters in those people is not unique to any one of those societies. Forexample, Michael Jackson is well known as an idol of the world, not only forhis brilliant talent in music and his record in music that nobody can surpassfor years, but also for his dedication to charity and welfare of children.Nevertheless, all of his outstanding characters cannot represent one society,as almost all of the people in the world adore these characters. As a result,we cannot find the character of one society by studying the character of anidol, as other societies may also worship this person and his or her character.

On the other hand, what the society worshipsdoes not mean that the society contains this character as well. Usually, peoplepraise those who have special qualities that general public do not have asidols. An example for this can be a person who jumped into the water and savedothers’ lives is honored to be a hero of the society. However, do common peoplein this society all have the character of altruism as the hero does? The answeris absolutely no, because if all of the people in the society have thischaracter, there will be no need to honor this person’s deed. As a result,studying the character of those idols in the society will only reveal what thesociety values or wishes to have, but not the character of the society alreadyhas.

In conclusion, examining the character ofidols cannot help us reveal the true character the society has. Rather thanstudy the character of heroes and role models in the society, focusing more onthe ordinary people in the society can be a more comprehensive way tounderstand the characters that a society values.

把最后一个claim换了一下，还是用的原来的例子 :)

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

雲靉玥 发表于 2015-6-19 01:33
6/18Issue122
122)The best way to understand the character of a society is to examine thecharacter  ...

已点评

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

6/19
Argument 84


84) The following is a letter to the editor of an environmental magazine.

Two studies of amphibians in Xanadu National Park confirm a significant decline in the numbers of amphibians. In 1975 there were seven species of amphibians in the park, and there were abundant numbers of each species. However, in 2002 only four species of amphibians were observed in the park, and the numbers of each species were drastically reduced. One proposed explanation is that the decline was caused by the introduction of trout into the park's waters, which began in 1975. (Trout are known to eat amphibian eggs.)

Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.


这次还是没有在30分钟之内写完，差了结尾段，也写得比较少。不过已经比以前有所提高了，再接再厉！

句子	作用	内容点评	语言点评
Para 1
In the letter, the author  cited two studies of amphibians in Xanadu National Park, conducted in 1975  and 2002 respectively, to claim that the number and species of amphibians in  the park declines over the years because of the introduction of trout.	概括文章观点		declined
To examine the author's  argument, we need to consider some alternative explanations of the different  results of the studies and the decrease of the number of amphibians.	提出观点
Para 2
First of all, the author  argues that the different results of the two studies is result in the fewer  number of amphibians are living in the park comparing to years ago.	文章论据1		different results of the two studies was due to the fact that ...
However, the gap might cause  by the different sittings of the two studies rather than the declination of  amphibians in the park.	alternative explanation 1		be caused settings
. It is possible that the  first study in 1975 was conducted in spring, when amphibians are active,  while the second study in 2002 was in winter, when amphibians are  inactive.	解释上句		were active were inactive
In this case, the researchers  in the first study will count more amphibians than the second study, which  will explain the difference between the results of the two studies.	总结		which would
Para 3
Another alternative  explanation of the gap between the two studies would be the habits of those  amphibians in the park changed over the years.	alternative explanation 2		be that ... had changed
For example, in 1975, when  there were not a lot of tourists in the park, the amphibians there might be  more active during the day when the study was conducted.	解释al
Nevertheless, as more and more  people come to the park, those amphibians might change their habit and only  go out for food at night, or even migrate to some more covert place, so that  the researchers in the second study could not observe all of the amphibians  in the park.	解释al		came 注意断句
Therefore, the change of  amphibians' habit might also cause the gap between the two results.	总结	小结不错
Para 4
Additionally, even if the  numbers and species of amphibians in the park were truly decreased, the  introduction of trout would not be the only explanation of the  declination.	TS		were truly decreased- had truly ... may not
For instance, the pollution of  environment cause by human beings might be one of the reasons.	alternative explanation 1		caused
Perhaps those amphibians  cannot survive in the environment where the water, air, or earth is polluted  so that many of them died.	解释上句		were polluted   so that跟目的从句
What is more, as a large  number of insects are killed by human, the number of amphibians might also  decrease as a consequence of lacking food.	alternative explanation 2	这个有点不靠谱	killed by human (how?)
Para 5
In conclusion, in order  to evaluate the argument mentioned in the letter, we need to consider the  possibility of the alternative explanations of the different results between  two researches and the reduction of the amphibians discussed above.	总结

--------------------------------
7/31修改
主要问题：过去式，被动, hedging, 断句

In theletter, the author cited two studies of amphibians in Xanadu National Park,conducted in 1975 and 2002 respectively, to claim that the number and speciesof amphibians in the park declines (declined) over the years because of the introductionof trout. To examine the author's argument, we need to consider somealternative explanations of the different results of the studies and thedecrease of the number of amphibians.

First ofall, the author argues that the different results of the two studies is resultin the (is due to the redult that) fewer number of amphibians are living in the park comparing to yearsago. However, the gap might cause (be caused) by the different sittings (settings) of the two studiesrather than the declination of amphibians in the park. It is possible that thefirst study in 1975 was conducted in spring, when amphibians are (were) active, whilethe second study in 2002 was in winter, when amphibians are (were) inactive. In thiscase, the researchers in the first study will count more amphibians than thesecond study, which will (would) explain the difference between the results of the twostudies.

Anotheralternative explanation of the gap between the two studies would be that the habitsof those amphibians in the park had changed over the years. For example, in 1975,when there were not a lot of tourists in the park, the amphibians there mightbe more active during the day when the study was conducted. Nevertheless, asmore and more people come (came) to the park, those amphibians might change theirhabit and only go out for food at night, or (断句 Or, they might) even migrate to some more covertplace, so that the researchers in the second study could not observe all of theamphibians in the park. Therefore, the change of amphibians' habit might alsocause the gap between the two results.

Additionally,even if the numbers and species of amphibians in the park were (had) truly decreased,the introduction of trout would (may) not be the only explanation of the declination.For instance, the pollution of environment cause (caused) by human beings might be oneof the reasons. Perhaps those amphibians cannot survive in the environmentwhere the water, air, or earth is (were) polluted so that (, causing) many of them died. Even if those amphibians could survive in the worse environment, the smaller animals that they comsume normally might not. In this case, the number of amphibian might still decrease as the tough environment took away their food.

Inconclusion, in order to evaluate the argument mentioned in the letter, we needto consider the possibility of the alternative explanations of the differentresults between two researches and the reduction of the amphibians discussedabove.

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-19 06:51
已点评

谢谢老师！刚刚把昨天的交上来，下午有时间去改以前的贴去句子加油站。

雲靉玥UID: 2888572

6/22 快速写作练习
Issue 59

Scientists and other researchers should focus their research on areas that are likely to benefit the greatest number of people.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.


思考和主题句用了12分钟。。。还是超时了>< 看到题就懵了，刚开始想了半天minority都有啥能不能分类，后来觉得实在没法写就只能先写一段同意的。后来看了老师分类讨论的觉得会好写一些。但是还是想让老师看一下我这么写可不可以。。。尤其是第一段说的是同意的情况不知道表达的是不是靠谱。。。


I disagree with the argument that scientists should only concentrate on fields that might benefit the majority of people. It is understandable that in many times, the research subjects that related to the interests of the majority should be the priority to deal with. However, researchers still need to study those subjects that are likely to benefit the minority, like disabled people, as they are important to the society as well. Additionally, it is worthwhile to allow those scientists to study what they are interested in but not what the society interested in, as many great inventions were caused by scientists’ research of their interests.

field和area是意思是不一样的 in many times 选词
that are related to
worthwhile选词
caused 选词


你的主旨句的几个点是各说各话 不能整合成一个连贯的观点  
尤其是第一点和第二点出现了自相矛盾的情况  这就是为什么要分类讨论的原因 可以避免这种自相矛盾的情况  





First, studying those areas that are beneficial to the greatest number of people in the society as a priority is understandable, as it can keep the stability of the society.
比如说杂交水稻的研究就是为了大多数人的利益，而让大部分人都能够吃上饭，不会饱受饥饿便ensure了社会的安定。医学上的流行病的研究也同样是这个道理。只有大多数人健康的活着才能保证国家的稳定与发展。

Nevertheless, we should not only focus on subjects that benefit the majority. It is necessary to also concentrate on those areas that can solve problems for the minority, as they are also member of the society and needed to be treated equally.
比如研究一些重大疾病可以帮助社会上的弱势群体-残疾人。很多人认为他们并不能为社会做出什么贡献就不应该投资或者耗费精力去研究这些病。然而他们也是社会的一员，需要平等的对待。而且像霍金这样的也是残疾人， 如果科研人员不去研究如何抑制他的病情和如何把他的思想传达给世界，我们又怎么会更加深刻的认识宇宙和物理呢？

Furthermore, many researches that are only related to the interests of the scientists can sometimes discover new phenomenon or invent new products that can benefit the whole society. 我们知道很多时候科学家有一个重大发现并不是因为考虑了大多数人的利益，而是因为自己的喜好。比如青霉素的并不是一大批科学家坐在一起研究如何治愈细菌感染而发现的。它的问世是因为弗莱明对于观察细菌的喜爱与执着，从而发现了一个至今人们还都受益的药物。