雅思写作，观点表达有疑问，求大神解惑

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雅思写作Part2的题目很多时候都需要表明自己的观点。
我看得范文的写法表达观点用的方法主要是：
在首段和莫段分别用I belive(maintaint,argue,claim),亦或是In my view，in my opinion等引出观点
范文表达观点有一个共性，就是站在“我”的角度说，或者说都是I怎么怎么。
我的问题来了，如果我不用这种表达，用其他句型引出观点，或者直接说出观点是否可行（是否在Task Response板块会被扣分）？
下边是我的例文，求大神解答，拜谢

题目
Many high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 per cent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women.
To what extent do you agree?
我的文章
Nowadays, females make up over 50 percent of workforce in many developed countries. Gradually women begin to take critical positions. It is true that more chances should be provided for women. However, that does not necessarily suggest a gender quota should be imposed on promotion.
To individuals, this kind of promotion strategy could be pernicious. For example, in some case a company may have to promote an inadequate woman to a high-level position in accordance with this strategy. It is conceivable that woman may suffer from this promotion. She might be weary of the high pressure and fatigued by all the arduous tasks attached to this position. Finally, all this will lead to a diminished life quality. Conversely, for the competent male employees, it is simply unfair. They are more capable of this job, so there is no ground to refuse them.
Apart from the above argument, this strategy may inflict damage on companies alike. Firstly, it may demoralize male employees and discourage them from doing a better work. If a male staff is informed that he will not be given a promotion chance, then there is no reason for him to work strenuously. He will find no incentive to do anything more than his job for the company. Secondly, this strategy may directly hurt the company itself. It may result in a situation where an incapable woman holds a significant post. Under this circumstance, the woman may be more likely to make some mistake which is detrimental to the company. The higher the position is, the more the company will lose.
In conclusion, there are many ways to help females get more opportunities. Among them, the strategy of setting a gender promotion quota is indubitably an unreasonable one, for it brings benefits to neither individuals nor companies.