12.27之作文研讨主题 对6分范文的质疑

aznloUID: 158178

Test1
"Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing."
应该写 科技是否increase loneliness 是吧？
让我们来看看6分的范文都写了什么

6分
Technology, broadly defined as the use of tools, has a long history. Ever since Erg the caveman first conked an animal with a rock, people have been using technology. For thousands of years, the use of tools allowed people to move ever closer together.（说以前科技是拉近人的距离的） Because fields could be cultivated and the technology to store food existed, people would live in cities rather than in small nomadic tribes. Only very lately have Erg's descendants come to question the benefits of technology. The Industrial Revolution introduced and spread technologies that mechanized many tasks. As a result of the drive toward more efficient production and distribution (so the ever larger cities would be supported), people began to act as cogs in the technological machine. Clothing was no longer produced by groups of women sewing and gossiping together, but by down-trodden automation's operating machinery in grim factories.（从only 开始说人们question the benefits of technology，但无论是act as cogs in the technological machine还是工作的时候不能gossiping了，都不能说明科技increase loneliness或是科技把人与人的距离拉远了甚至更模糊的，也就是作者所说的人们question the benefits of technology，倒是说这是more efficient production and distribution的条件更确切一些）

The benefits of the new technology of today, computers and the internet, are particularly ambiguous. They have made work ever more efficient and knit the world together in a web of information and phone lines. Some visionaries speak of a world in which Erg need not check in to his office; he can just dial in from home. He won't need to go to a bar to pick up women because there are all those chat rooms. Hungry? Erg orders his groceries from an online delivery service. Bored? Download a new game. And yet...（说好处，其实是想为下面讲坏处铺垫，但下面似乎只是讲坏处，并没具体的讲loneliness这个坏处）


Many people, myself included, are a little queasy about that vision. Erg may be doing work, but is it real work? Are his online friends real friends? Does anything count in a spiritual way if it's just digital? （跟loneliness关系不大吧，即使有也应该进一步说清楚吧）Since the Industrial Revolution, we have been haunted by the prospect that we are turning into our machines: efficient, productive, souless. The newest technologies, we fear, are making us flat as our screens, turning us into streams of bits of interchangable data. We may know a lot of people, but we have few real friends. We have a lot of things to do, but no reason to do them. In short, the new technology emphasizes a spiritual crisis that has been building for quite some time.（还是没提到，只是大侃特侃科技给生活带来的负面影响）

As I try to unravel which I believe about the relative merits of technology, I think it is instructive to remember technology's original result. A better plow meant easier farming, more food, longer lives, and more free time to pursue other things such as art. （越说越远了……）Our newest technology does not give us more free time; it consumes our free time. We are terminally distracted from confronting ourselves or each other. We stay safe, and lonely（期待以久终于出现了）, in our homes and offices rather than taking the risk of meeting real people or trying new things.（但是再看rather than以后的，显然，作者的意思是想说people should go out to meet real people and trying new things这样才是真正的生活）

While I am certainly not a Luddite, I do believe we need to look for a bit more balance between technology and life.（终于下结论了，要balance between technology and life但是technology只是影响了life（无论是好是坏），technology 和life根本就不能构成对立面，如何balance？不过倒是终于让人明白一件事，那就是，作者压根就没打算往loneliness 上说） We have to tear ourselves away from the fatal distractions and go out into the world. Technology has given us long lives and endless supplies of information. Now we need to apply that information, use the time we're not spending conking our dinner with a club, and find our reasons for living.

通观全文，作者只是想表达 “科技给人的生活造成了一些负面的影响” 的观点。压根没把increase loneliness 放在眼里。 难道这就是ets说的any aspect would be ok?
再来看一下题目："Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing."
Admittedly, 作者抓住了这个题目的大部分words，也就是Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which 至于in which什么，似乎就可以发挥想象力了，作者写了“in which 有很多负面影响”，那么我要是写“in which 有很多正面影响”也是对的喽？也就是说要是我表达“科技给人的生活带来很多正面的影响”ets 也不能说是这是离题的喽？要是那样的话，十几篇文章就可以把两百多个issue topics覆盖了。

最后还是来看一下ets对这篇文章的评价吧，大家注意最后一句“The writer maintains that a "balance between technology and life" is necessary if humans are going to abate the loneliness that is part of modern existence.” 不知道ets是怎么看出来的，也就是说ets是认为作者是在写loneliness 的，难道是我功力不够看不出来？那样的话就麻烦大牛们给分析分析吧。

评价
This outstanding response displays cogent reasoning, insightful, persuasive analysis, and superior control of language. The essay immediately identifies the complexities of the issue and then playfully explores both the benefits and the drawbacks of technological developments over the course of human history. The writer maintains that a "balance between technology and life" is necessary if humans are going to abate the loneliness that is part of modern existence.

Ps:谁有离题了的作文？拿出来大家跟这篇比较一下

imongUID: 140258

上次看到过另外一篇issue的官方范文，把我奇怪的半死。先占个座，过一段时间有空的时候一定补上。

另，标题改了一下，大家都来看看吧。

fhxyweiUID: 157384

"Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing."
谁能给我分析一下这个题目的语法结构先，怎么这么错综复杂阿？

imongUID: 140258

今天看到这篇文章才发现自己挖的坑还没填呢

已经又仔细读过一遍了 不过先再沉默一下 HOHO
看看大家都是怎么看的 等到个15楼20楼的再说说我的想法
学习时间：群策群力 共同讨论哦 ^^

mist1941UID: 162770

真的有人想得满分？强！

事实UID: 163475

记得6G的recy和milkmm都是满分 5.5的也是一大堆 forwww 322612 pooh ...

poohUID: 146994

站位，研究一下

DendisUID: 158017

偶也来凑个热闹~~~

poohUID: 146994

Test1
"Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing."
应该写 科技是否increase loneliness 是吧？
让我们来看看6分的范文都写了什么

6分
Technology, broadly defined as the use of tools, has a long history. Ever since Erg the caveman first conked an animal with a rock, people have been using technology. For thousands of years, the use of tools allowed people to move ever closer together.（说以前科技是拉近人的距离的） Because fields could be cultivated and the technology to store food existed, people would live in cities rather than in small nomadic tribes. Only very lately have Erg's descendants come to question the benefits of technology. The Industrial Revolution introduced and spread technologies that mechanized many tasks. As a result of the drive toward more efficient production and distribution (so the ever larger cities would be supported), people began to act as cogs in the technological machine. Clothing was no longer produced by groups of women sewing and gossiping together, but by down-trodden automation's operating machinery in grim factories.（从only 开始说人们question the benefits of technology，但无论是act as cogs in the technological machine还是工作的时候不能gossiping了，都不能说明科技increase loneliness或是科技把人与人的距离拉远了甚至更模糊的，也就是作者所说的人们question the benefits of technology，倒是说这是more efficient production and distribution的条件更确切一些）

这段是introduction, 从科技的历史谈起，在科技革命以前让人聚在一起进行生产和居住“Because fields could be cultivated and the technology to store food existed, people would live in cities rather than in small nomadic tribes. ‘’ “groups of women sewing and gossiping together‘‘

然后谈到，科技革命以后，机器代替了人力，人们更多的根机器打交道，人与人的接触减少了。作者认为这是导致loneliness的原因。我认为这是顺理成章的。

如果你查一下Merriam-Webster 的话，你会发现关于loneliess 是这样解释的
the quality or state of being lonely
再查一下lonely
: 1 a: being without company:　LONE    b: cut off from others: SOLITARY
  2 Not frequented by human beings: DESOLATE
  3 sad from being alone: LONESOME
  4 producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation

因此，对loneliess直接的理解主要取自前两种解释，因为3，4是从1，2引申出来的。
可见，作者认为人与人接触的机会少了会导致lonely这个前提是正确的，这是loneliness这个词所暗含的意思。

你不要把这个loneliness理解为中文的孤独，寂寞，因为中文的意思多指心理上的状态，而英文loneliness包括了物理距离上的拉大，接触频率的下降和心理上的lonesome

imong以前做过一个termonology的特训，也在强调对于题目关键词理解的重要性。这是我们理解题目的一个必要条件和前提。



The benefits of the new technology of today, computers and the internet, are particularly ambiguous. They have made work ever more efficient and knit the world together in a web of information and phone lines. Some visionaries speak of a world in which Erg need not check in to his office; he can just dial in from home. He won't need to go to a bar to pick up women because there are all those chat rooms. Hungry? Erg orders his groceries from an online delivery service. Bored? Download a new game. And yet...（说好处，其实是想为下面讲坏处铺垫，但下面似乎只是讲坏处，并没具体的讲loneliness这个坏处）

Many people, myself included, are a little queasy about that vision. Erg may be doing work, but is it real work? Are his online friends real friends? Does anything count in a spiritual way if it's just digital? （跟loneliness关系不大吧，即使有也应该进一步说清楚吧）Since the Industrial Revolution, we have been haunted by the prospect that we are turning into our machines: efficient, productive, souless. The newest technologies, we fear, are making us flat as our screens, turning us into streams of bits of interchangable data. We may know a lot of people, but we have few real friends. We have a lot of things to do, but no reason to do them. In short, the new technology emphasizes a spiritual crisis that has been building for quite some time.（还是没提到，只是大侃特侃科技给生活带来的负面影响）

你把人家上面那段拆开了干什么？明明是一段！这段里作者明确了态度。这段基本上是个转折结构，前面说科技看似增加了人们交流的机会，后面说是实际上人们更多的时间却是面对机器‘’the newest technologies, we fear, are making us flat as our screens, turning us into streams of bits of interchangable data.‘’, 我们没有多少真正的朋友，隐含时说跟人打交道的时间少了，没有朋友真正了解我们，分享我们的喜怒哀乐，这就是为什么看似拉近人与人之间距离的科技却让我们更lonely

你认为这段前面那部分（我指从the benefit ...到sometime 那里）不必要吗？我认为恰恰相反！这部分才体现了作者对现实观察和对问题认识的深入。作者能够辩证的认识问题，他观察到人与人之间的交流和交往似乎因为科技而增加了，可是我们明明感到更加lonely了，他在思考这到底是为什么？这看似矛盾的事情怎么会同时存在？他的思考引导他找到了答案。





As I try to unravel which I believe about the relative merits of technology, I think it is instructive to remember technology's original result. A better plow meant easier farming, more food, longer lives, and more free time to pursue other things such as art. （越说越远了……）Our newest technology does not give us more free time; it consumes our free time. We are terminally distracted from confronting ourselves or each other. We stay safe, and lonely（期待以久终于出现了）, in our homes and offices rather than taking the risk of meeting real people or trying new things.（但是再看rather than以后的，显然，作者的意思是想说people should go out to meet real people and trying new things这样才是真正的生活）


本段一二句你认为扯远了吗？我认为这句也很重要。因为作者在思考科技跟人际交流的关系。他认为科技的本意是提高效率，提高生产力，并不能保证我们能有更多的时间Our newest technology does not give us more free time; it consumes our free time. ，并不能保证我们又跟多时间跟人打交道 We are terminally distracted from confronting ourselves or each other. We stay safe, and lonely in our homes and offices rather than taking the risk of meeting real people or trying new things.



While I am certainly not a Luddite, I do believe we need to look for a bit more balance between technology and life.（终于下结论了，要balance between technology and life但是technology只是影响了life（无论是好是坏），technology 和life根本就不能构成对立面，如何balance？不过倒是终于让人明白一件事，那就是，作者压根就没打算往loneliness 上说） We have to tear ourselves away from the fatal distractions and go out into the world. Technology has given us long lives and endless supplies of information. Now we need to apply that information, use the time we're not spending conking our dinner with a club, and find our reasons for living.

结尾作者给出了solution,认为人应该离开technology多去交流。你说technology 和life不是对立面， 我想作者是将这两者作了引申。technology代表了technology主导的整天面对机器的生活，life代表了一个有真实感受的世界。他是建议人们通过增加真实的感情上的交流而远离loneliness

我承认作者文章中提到关键词的次数很少，但是他的整个逻辑结构和内容都是围绕着题目点来写的，而且有相当的深度和独到的认识。

It deserves 6 , IMO






通观全文，作者只是想表达 “科技给人的生活造成了一些负面的影响” 的观点。压根没把increase loneliness 放在眼里。 难道这就是ets说的any aspect would be ok?
再来看一下题目："Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing."
Admittedly, 作者抓住了这个题目的大部分words，也就是Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which 至于in which什么，似乎就可以发挥想象力了，作者写了“in which 有很多负面影响”，那么我要是写“in which 有很多正面影响”也是对的喽？也就是说要是我表达“科技给人的生活带来很多正面的影响”ets 也不能说是这是离题的喽？要是那样的话，十几篇文章就可以把两百多个issue topics覆盖了。

最后还是来看一下ets对这篇文章的评价吧，大家注意最后一句“The writer maintains that a "balance between technology and life" is necessary if humans are going to abate the loneliness that is part of modern existence.” 不知道ets是怎么看出来的，也就是说ets是认为作者是在写loneliness 的，难道是我功力不够看不出来？那样的话就麻烦大牛们给分析分析吧。

评价
This outstanding response displays cogent reasoning, insightful, persuasive analysis, and superior control of language. The essay immediately identifies the complexities of the issue and then playfully explores both the benefits and the drawbacks of technological developments over the course of human history. The writer maintains that a "balance between technology and life" is necessary if humans are going to abate the loneliness that is part of modern existence.

Ps:谁有离题了的作文？拿出来大家跟这篇比较一下

flyingwindUID: 189320

POOH的分析不错！

apolloxpUID: 156355

Test1
"Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing."
应该写 科技是否increase loneliness 是吧？
让我们来看看6分的范文都写了什么

6分
Technology, broadly defined as the use of tools, has a long history.从techonology的历史谈起作为introduction。一上来先把technology给下了定义，但是这样一个定义作用并不明显。然而如果把首句改成Technology has a long history，则未免感觉有点“俗”。当然这样的句子作为introduction还是比较顺口的 Ever since Erg the caveman first conked an animal with a rock, people have been using technology. For thousands of years, the use of tools allowed people to move ever closer together.（说以前科技是拉近人的距离的） Because fields could be cultivated and the technology to store food existed, people would live in cities rather than in small nomadic tribes. Only very lately have Erg's descendants come to question the benefits of technology.转折了 The Industrial Revolution introduced and spread technologies that mechanized many tasks. As a result of the drive toward more efficient production and distribution (so the ever larger cities would be supported), people began to act as cogs in the technological machine. Clothing was no longer produced by groups of women sewing and gossiping together, but by down-trodden automation's operating machinery in grim factories.（从only 开始说人们question the benefits of technology，但无论是act as cogs in the technological machine还是工作的时候不能gossiping了，都不能说明科技increase loneliness或是科技把人与人的距离拉远了甚至更模糊的，也就是作者所说的人们question the benefits of technology，倒是说这是more efficient production and distribution的条件更确切一些）从古至今科技改变着生活，从前的科技是拉近人的距离了，但是工业革命以后的科技发展却起着相反的作用，也即loneliness is increasing。第一段实际上表明了作者的态度（虽然不是很直接）：同意原题

The benefits of the new technology of today, computers and the internet, are particularly ambiguous摆明了这段先说科技的好处，可又不忘指出这些好处都是似是而非的，伏下下文的反驳. They have made work ever more efficient and knit the world together in a web of information and phone lines. Some visionaries speak of a world in which Erg need not check in to his office; he can just dial in from home. He won't need to go to a bar to pick up women because there are all those chat rooms. Hungry? Erg orders his groceries from an online delivery service. Bored? Download a new game. And yet...（说好处，其实是想为下面讲坏处铺垫，但下面似乎只是讲坏处，并没具体的讲loneliness这个坏处）


Many people, myself included, are a little queasy about that vision. Erg may be doing work, but is it real work? Are his online friends real friends? Does anything count in a spiritual way if it's just digital?直接对上段提到的所谓好处进行反驳，可以看出反驳的句子与提到好处一一对应，相当缜密的结构 （跟loneliness关系不大吧，即使有也应该进一步说清楚吧）Since the Industrial Revolution, we have been haunted by the prospect that we are turning into our machines: efficient, productive, souless. The newest technologies, we fear, are making us flat as our screens, turning us into streams of bits of interchangable data. We may know a lot of people, but we have few real friends. We have a lot of things to do, but no reason to do them. In short, the new technology emphasizes a spiritual crisis that has been building for quite some time.（还是没提到，只是大侃特侃科技给生活带来的负面影响）efficient, productive, souless. We have few real friends，a spiritual crisis如果我们不是死扣字眼的话，可以从这一系列的字词中看出作者并不是泛泛而谈科技带来的负面影响，确实是集中在loneliness上的

As I try to unravel which I believe about the relative merits of technology, I think it is instructive to remember technology's original result. A better plow meant easier farming, more food, longer lives, and more free time to pursue other things such as art. （越说越远了……）指出发展科技的初衷与现实作对照Our newest technology does not give us more free time; it consumes our free time. We are terminally distracted from confronting ourselves or each other. We stay safe, and lonely（期待以久终于出现了）, in our homes and offices rather than taking the risk of meeting real people or trying new things.（但是再看rather than以后的，显然，作者的意思是想说people should go out to meet real people and trying new things这样才是真正的生活）科技的发展反而违背了人们发展科技的初衷，自然就需要一个解决方案

While I am certainly not a Luddite, I do believe we need to look for a bit more balance between technology and life.（终于下结论了，要balance between technology and life但是technology只是影响了life（无论是好是坏），technology 和life根本就不能构成对立面，如何balance？不过倒是终于让人明白一件事，那就是，作者压根就没打算往loneliness 上说）这里technology和life的意思都已经作了引申 We have to tear ourselves away from the fatal distractions and go out into the world. Technology has given us long lives and endless supplies of information. Now we need to apply that information, use the time we're not spending conking our dinner with a club, and find our reasons for living.

通观全文，作者只是想表达 “科技给人的生活造成了一些负面的影响” 的观点。压根没把increase loneliness 放在眼里。 难道这就是ets说的any aspect would be ok?
再来看一下题目："Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing."
Admittedly, 作者抓住了这个题目的大部分words，也就是Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which 至于in which什么，似乎就可以发挥想象力了，作者写了“in which 有很多负面影响”，那么我要是写“in which 有很多正面影响”也是对的喽？也就是说要是我表达“科技给人的生活带来很多正面的影响”ets 也不能说是这是离题的喽？要是那样的话，十几篇文章就可以把两百多个issue topics覆盖了。

最后还是来看一下ets对这篇文章的评价吧，大家注意最后一句“The writer maintains that a "balance between technology and life" is necessary if humans are going to abate the loneliness that is part of modern existence.” 不知道ets是怎么看出来的，也就是说ets是认为作者是在写loneliness 的，难道是我功力不够看不出来？那样的话就麻烦大牛们给分析分析吧。

评价
This outstanding response displays cogent reasoning, insightful, persuasive analysis, and superior control of language. The essay immediately identifies the complexities of the issue and then playfully explores both the benefits and the drawbacks of technological developments over the course of human history. The writer maintains that a "balance between technology and life" is necessary if humans are going to abate the loneliness that is part of modern existence.
这篇文章对loneliness提到次数并不多，但就其实质内容来说，这篇文章并不偏题。作者表明了态度，深入分析了科技发展带来的利弊，并且提出了一个解决方案：balance between technology and life。说理清楚，论据有力，结构严密，语言上也不错。应该给6分

imongUID: 140258

说说我的感觉吧。

似乎楼主的质疑是由于自己对loneliness的理解太过狭隘
要求文章中必须不停的出现loneliness这一词的字面重复

而实际上 我们可以看到 和loneliness同义的表达
sewing and gossiping
knit the world together
反义的表达
Does anything count in a spiritual way if it's just digital?
efficient, productive, souless
并不拘泥于字面的"lonely" "loneliness"的一再重复

事实上 谁说loneliness这个词就必须每每出现了? 呵呵
巧妙地使用同义词/近义词代换 从而进一步发掘讨论对象的内涵和外延 也是使得文章的深度得以加强呢

blur13_0UID: 150275

;)  imong说得不错，俺也有同感，是最近研究范文的发现，仔细看范文，不少都是巧用同义词，反义词来诠释主题中的关键词，建议大家都来体会体会这种写法！！！

jackloveUID: 183611

pooh分析太棒了
体会中~~

poohUID: 146994

up :)