[请求]这是我的一篇习作，请指教

wglxhUID: 152604

这是一篇TOEFL的作文，改了多次仍不满意。请各位指教。
内容是关于人们为什么要上大学的。

In China, most students want to attend college after graduating from high schools. Even though their motives are different, I think in these young people’s choices exist some common reasons.
    The foremost reason is career preparation. It is hard to get a decent and high-salary job for a person who holds no degree. To the potential employers who do not know their applicants’ abilities well, the diploma provides some useful information. Although this information can be misguiding in some cases, they do work in general because the college education does improve people’s abilities – not only expands people’s visions, but imparts necessary expertise knowledge to those preparing for various specific jobs.
    The huge pressure from parents also pushes these young people forward. Chinese parents usually think their kids are too young and inexperienced to choose “wisely” their own lives, and to these victims of the Culture Revolution who suffered the lifelong pain caused by deficient education, “going to college” seems to be the only road to promising futures for their children. In most cases, the young people’s dissenting voices are pale in comparison to this paternalism.
    In addition, the life in campus is attractive to Chinese high school students who have to endure longtime, rigid, and boring education. In many movies, soap dramas and fictions, a campus is depicted as a garden of romantics, a heaven of free thoughts and a treasure-house of human knowledge. This impression, if not an illusion, stimulates many students to work hard to enter the Ivory Tower.

imongUID: 140258

In China, most students want to attend college after graduating（graduation？） from high schools. Even though their motives are different, I think in these young people’s choices exist（别扭） some common reasons.

The foremost reason is career preparation. It is hard to get a decent and high-salary（well paid） job for a person who holds no （does not hold a）degree. （Understandably, ）To the potential employers who do not know their applicants’ abilities well, the diploma provides some useful information. Although this information can be misguiding in some cases, they do work in general because the college education does improve people’s abilities – not only expands（别扭） people’s visions, but imparts necessary expertise knowledge to those preparing for various specific jobs.

The huge（好像对象一般是实物） pressure from parents also pushes these young people forward. Chinese parents usually think （that）their kids are too young and （too）inexperienced to choose “wisely” their own lives, and to these victims of the Culture Revolution who suffered the lifelong pain caused by deficient education, “going to college” seems to be the only road to promising futures for their children. In most cases, the young people’s dissenting voices are pale in comparison to this paternalism.

In addition, the life in campus is attractive to Chinese high school students who have to endure longtime, rigid, and boring education. In many movies, soap dramas and fictions, a campus is depicted as a garden of romantics, a heaven of free thoughts and a treasure-house of human knowledge. This impression, if not an illusion, stimulates many students to work hard to enter the Ivory Tower.

我觉得写得不错啊，HOHO，没什么太多意见呢

wglxhUID: 152604

谢谢Imong的意见。我觉得它不好并不是觉得用词或什么细小的语法有问题，而是整体感觉不对。不知道问题出在哪。
1。第一段第二句是一个倒装结构，突出“确实存在“感觉。比如：From the darkness crept  a man.
2.第三段第二句要不要两个都加too呢？我也吃不准，嘿嘿。

fishergirlUID: 152325

我认为“家长压力”那一段不太好。特别是最后一句，显得有点突兀。建议删去。