Issue59 Study 第2稿 快来拍砖！快来！快来！

xiaoheUID: 162707

第一稿写得极烂，还好早被水冲不见了。看看我的第二张小板凳叠得比第一张是不是强点？

XDJM们一定使劲拍砖啊，就象我拍你们一样。反正拍轻拍重到时我一定会回敬的。HAHA！

------题目------
Too much emphasis is placed on role models. Instead of copying others, people should learn to think and act independently and thus make the choices that are best for them.
------正文------
The long history of human development never ceases to provide role models, whom the common people never stop to admire and follow. Is too much emphasis placed on role models, as the quotation claims? Definitely not. There is actually never too much emphasis placed on role models.

Role models, either from real life or from literary creation, are usually those with comparatively higher achievements, greater contributions, or simply more brilliant characters. They reflect the values of the society in which they are created, and inspire people to pursue those values so that every individual leads a meaningful life and the whole society evolves toward a proper direction. The fortitude of Helen Keller showed against her severe disability encourages us to face obstacles fearlessly. Einstein, who did not do well with his school education but eventually revealed the greatest theory in Physics, reminds us not to look down upon ourselves even when we fail in some aspects sometimes. And the splendid success of Bill Gates inspires so many young people around the world to pursue their dreams despite of conventional bounds. People, and the society impelled forward by people, certainly benefit a lot from role models.

In our thousands of years of history, role models are everywhere from the most ancient to the modern world, from the greatest masters to our next door neighbors. Yet they are never more than needed. One the one hand, although a few people may set their heart on following one role model, the majority usually have different role models in different aspects of their own life. As a young woman, I set Eleanor in “Sense and Sensibility” as my model, dispassionate, sensible, considerate yet full of genuine love. When I have children, I hope I will be the type of mother as the one in “Little Women”, who is amiable, caring, tolerating yet extremely efficient in guidance of her children. In my career, I will take the excellent colleagues as my model and try to be creative, diligent and outstanding in my commitment. And more models we do have in our other roles such as being a child, a friend, a leader, an instructor, etc.

On the other hand, due to the variety of social background, the difference of location, experience, profession and achievement, and even the change of social values, quite a lot of role modesl have an influence only within a certain scope and a certain period of time and become part of history afterward, although some very brilliant ones may have lasting influence for generations. New role models living in a more similar background and representing the latest values are always coming forth to guide the newer generations. For example, among so many famous sportsmen, different people with different sport interests must have different preference of their models. And Yao Ming is more likely to be selected as a role model by folks in China among his fellow NBA players, who are no less admired by others.

If someone complains it makes people lose their own way of thinking and acting by following roles models, It is not the fault of role models or the emphesizing of them. Role models are not there to be copied. They are there to be learned from. When we advocate people to follow role models, we mean to follow their spirits, to learn from their characters and experiences. We don’t mean to dress up or, behave like them, or any other superficial imitation. Instead of making people lose their own choices, roles models, through their own fulfillment, actually tell people that everyone could have his/her own way and work the best out of oneself. It’s baleful to hold in one’s mind such a distorted understanding as the quotation states, which diminishes the great value of role models.

In sum, there is no fault in always placing great emphasis on roles models. Only in the meantime, more attention should be put on the correct way of following them, so that more people will enjoy higher fulfillment and the society in which they live will become more beautiful and enjoyable.

foreverlovesUID: 166930

The long history of human development never ceases to provide role models, whom the common people never stop to admire and follow. Is too much emphasis placed on role models, as the quotation claims? Definitely not. There is actually never too much emphasis placed on role models.

Role models, either from real life or from literary creation, are usually those with comparatively higher achievements, greater contributions, or simply more brilliant characters. They reflect the values of the society in which they are created, and inspire people to pursue those values so that every individual leads a meaningful life and the whole society evolves toward a proper direction. The fortitude of Helen Keller showed against her severe disability encourages us to face obstacles fearlessly. Einstein, who did not do well with his school education but eventually revealed（reveal这里似乎不大恰当，暂时还没想出好词） the greatest theory in Physics, reminds us not to look down upon ourselves even when we fail in some aspects sometimes. And the splendid success of Bill Gates inspires so many young people around the world to pursue their dreams despite of conventional bounds. People, and the society impelled forward by people, certainly benefit a lot from role models.（这段排比不错，用了3个不同的表示激励的词）

In our thousands of years of history, role models are everywhere from the most ancient to the modern world, from the greatest masters to our next door neighbors. Yet they are never more than needed. One the one hand, although a few people may set their heart on following one role model, the majority usually have different role models in different aspects of their own life. As a young woman, I set Eleanor in “Sense and Sensibility” as my model, dispassionate, sensible, considerate yet full of genuine love. When I have children, I hope I will be the type of mother as the one in “Little Women”, who is amiable, caring, tolerating yet extremely efficient in guidance of her children. In my career, I will take the excellent colleagues as my model and try to be creative, diligent and outstanding in my commitment. And more models we do have in our other roles such as being a child, a friend, a leader, an instructor, etc. （注意本段是不是最好举现实中的例子，因为论点from the most ancient to the modern world, from the greatest masters to our next door neighbors.是比较现实的，继续讨论。你读过这么多书，知识面很广哦，学习学习）

On the other hand, due to the variety of social background, the difference of location, experience, profession and achievement, and even the change of social values, quite a lot of role modesl（models） have an influence only within a certain scope and a certain period of time and become part of history afterward, although some very brilliant ones may have lasting influence for generations. New role models living in a more similar background and representing the latest values are always coming forth to guide the newer generations. For example, among so many famous sportsmen, different people with different sport interests must have different preference of their models. And Yao Ming is more likely to be selected as a role model by folks in China among his fellow NBA players, who are no less admired by others.

If someone complains it makes people lose their own way of thinking and acting by following roles models, It is not the fault of role models or the emphasizing of them. Role models are not there to be copied. They are there to be learned from. When we advocate people to follow role models, we mean to follow their spirits, to learn from their characters and experiences. We don’t mean to dress up or, behave like them, or any other superficial imitation. Instead of making people lose their own choices, roles models, through their own fulfillment, actually tell people that everyone could have his/her own way and work the best out of oneself. It’s baleful to hold in one’s mind such a distorted understanding as the quotation states, which diminishes the great value of role models.(反驳很有力)

In sum, there is no fault in always placing great emphasis on roles models. Only in the meantime, more attention should be put on the correct way of following them, so that more people will enjoy higher fulfillment and the society in which they live will become more beautiful and enjoyable.


语言流畅，结构紧凑，j继续讨论

不怕开水烫的猪UID: 187893

第二段写的挺好的，每个例子后面都能有一句话的总结，值得学习。

我来列个总结提纲吧：
1 Role model 有益于社会和个人的发展
2 虽然role model已经很多了，但还不能满足需要，因为：
  (1) 在不同的生活方面，需要不同的role mode
    (2) 不同背景，地域，时代的人有不同的role mode
3 并不是role mode使人们失去独立思考精神的。人们应该学习而不是模仿role mode.

题目的两句话中，大家觉得那一句是重点啊？是社会需要强调偶像的作用？还是人们应该独立思考而不是效仿别人？
如果是第二句的话，是不是侧重讨论偶像作用的篇幅应该少一些？
讨论讨论

xiaoheUID: 162707

谢谢谢谢！

关于B2中用的小说中的例子，我知道现实中的例子更有说服力，哪怕是二者之一是个现实人物也行，可实在想不出有什么老美知道的例子呀，谁能提供一点参考呢？

关于PIGGY提到的破题立论的问题。我的认识是只要有一个鲜明的与题目相关的论点就行，不必全面照顾题目，关键在于把自己的论点谈透。我看的范文就给我这个印象，而我也是向这方面在努力。

继续拍砖，继续交流哈！

不怕开水烫的猪UID: 187893

职业女性的偶像有一个例子National security adviser Condoleezza Rice replaced Colin Powell as secretary of state

你什么时候考啊？

xiaoheUID: 162707

谢谢你的提醒。

我还没报名呢，不知道什么时候考，大概过一两个月吧。

花之颜色UID: 187195

写的很好啊.大家评论的也很细心，老实说偶都没看出结构和论证方面有什么不妥,我就发现一点小错,给楼主提个醒:第二段倒数第二行despite of好象不太对,是不是despite或者in spite of哪？第三段有个小小笔误One the one hand?还有although a few people may set their heart on following one role model,这句是不是应该再强调一下是不管什么情况下都只有一个偶像以和后句作对比突出后句的
不同情况有不同偶像。although some very brilliant ones may have lasting influence for generations.这句介词好像不太对，have influence on 吧？It is not the fault of role models or the emphesizing of them这句感觉不太顺，是不是改成or the emphasis put on them 好点？最后一段的more attention should be put on the correct way of following them好像搭配的也不太对，pay attention to吧？呵呵，这是偶的修改意见，都是小地方，楼主参考一下，ps你写的真不错啊，好多例子的说，语言也很棒啊，佩服佩服，怎么想出来的啊？给点经验吧？

xiaoheUID: 162707

花之颜色这么细心，帮我发现了不少问题。
下次“回敬”时我也要瞪大点眼睛哟。

再次感谢！
顺便感叹一句：作文真的要让别人改一改才能提高呀！
大家继续互相帮助吧！

xiaoheUID: 162707

经验？我哪有什么经验啊？前面写了四五篇，每篇都很烂，被人找到致命错误。
现在打算重新写一轮。看看自己能不能克服掉以前的问题。

我每篇作文都是花上数小时在琢磨呀，典型的高投入低产出，现在考试连名都还没敢报呢。
想着限时写都害怕。55

开水~~烫烫烫~~~UID: 188097

匆匆看了一下。 语言很不错！
其它欧就不多说了，说说欧发现的几个算是句子上的foible吧
1段： “...whom the common people never stop to admire and follow..."， stop用法注意.这里意思就反了
2段： “...despite of conventional bounds...”，   despite is a prep.  本段讲role model的positive aspects
3段： 主题句是 role models are never more than needed，最后一句‘And more models we do have in our other roles...’，这里have改成need或者意思相近词欧自认为更好，否则容易歧义
4段： 主题句仍然应是上段role models are never more than needed？ 从另一方面接着上段说。 本段第一句是个长句，欧可以理解你的意思是想说‘role modesl have an influence only within...’,但although这个词用得位置不对。记得although无论用在前句还是后句，‘但是’的意思都是在后句的。 不同时期不同领域不同地域不同兴趣的人都有不同的role model，yao做了个例子，但这个example感觉你是想说因为yao是中国人，跟俺们的social background相似，所以欧们folks in China选yao作role model而不选其他人，根上句你说的different interests好像么关系，衔接不好。   这段每句都不难理解，但好像不好理解你要说明啥。
5段： 感觉像是后加上去的。针对issue topic的后半句。
6段： there is no fault in always placing great emphasis on roles models 不好，topic没说是fault啊，这句如果放在其他段没问题，但放在结尾段，且是第一句话，不妥！


你主要是disagree前半句Too much emphasis is placed on role models,但是你并没有在这个emphasis上下功夫，而是说role model的积极作用，role model并不够多，不应仅效仿role model而应吸取其spirits。不知道这样是不是算很切题的样子。

是不是欧没有理解xiaohe的思路？xiaohe不妨说说自己的思路吧。
欢迎xiaohe和大家讨论。先烫这么多吧！hehe

RikkuUID: 170558

The long history of human development never ceases to provide role models, whom the common people never stop to admire and follow. Is too much emphasis placed on role models, as the quotation claims? Definitely not.我觉得改为the answer is absolutely not比较好，还可以凑字，呵呵 There is actually never too much emphasis placed on role models.刚看了第一段，觉得论点不全面，题目有2句话，你只表明了对第一句话的立场，第2句呢-----，即使你下面写了对第2句话的观点并论述了，那在这里没有表现出来，不是很好哦
Role models, either from real life or from literary creation, are usually those with comparatively higher achievements, greater contributions, or simply more brilliant characters.一般每段第一句是主题句，明确写出来比较好，你这句好象不是哦？ They reflect the values of the society in which they are created, and inspire people to pursue those values so that every individual leads a meaningful life and the whole society evolves toward a proper direction. The fortitude of Helen Keller showed against her severe disability encourages us to face obstacles fearlessly. Einstein, who did not do well with his school education but eventually revealed the greatest theory in Physics, reminds us not to look down upon ourselves even when we fail in some aspects sometimes. And the splendid success of Bill Gates inspires so many young people around the world to pursue their dreams despite of conventional bounds. People, and the society impelled forward by people, certainly benefit a lot from role models.这段是写的楷模的作用把？

In our thousands of years of history, role models are everywhere from the most ancient to the modern world, from the greatest masters to our next door neighbors.这句又不是主题句！ Yet they are never more than needed.这才是主题句！ One the one hand, although a few people may set their heart on following one role model, the majority usually have different role models in different aspects of their own life. As a young woman, I set Eleanor in “Sense and Sensibility” as my model, dispassionate, sensible, considerate yet full of genuine love. When I have children, I hope I will be the type of mother as the one in “Little Women”, who is amiable, caring, tolerating yet extremely efficient in guidance of her children. In my career, I will take the excellent colleagues as my model and try to be creative, diligent and outstanding in my commitment. And more models we do have in our other roles such as being a child, a friend, a leader, an instructor, etc.我觉得你这段的例子跑题了，你所需要论述的是：楷模只会不够，不会过剩！！！！而你好象在写散文？

On the other hand, due to the variety of social background, the difference of location, experience, profession and achievement, and even the change of social values, quite a lot of role modesl have an influence only within a certain scope and a certain period of time and become part of history afterward, although some very brilliant ones may have lasting influence for generations. New role models living in a more similar background and representing the latest values are always coming forth to guide the newer generations. For example, among so many famous sportsmen, different people with different sport interests must have different preference of their models. And Yao Ming is more likely to be selected as a role model by folks in China among his fellow NBA players, who are no less admired by others.

If someone complains it makes people lose their own way of thinking and acting by following roles models, It is not the fault of role models or the emphesizing of them. Role models are not there to be copied. They are there to be learned from. When we advocate people to follow role models, we mean to follow their spirits, to learn from their characters and experiences. We don’t mean to dress up or, behave like them, or any other superficial imitation. Instead of making people lose their own choices, roles models, through their own fulfillment, actually tell people that everyone could have his/her own way and work the best out of oneself. It’s baleful to hold in one’s mind such a distorted understanding as the quotation states, which diminishes the great value of role models.

In sum, there is no fault in always placing great emphasis on roles models. Only in the meantime, more attention should be put on the correct way of following them, so that more people will enjoy higher fulfillment and the society in which they live will become more beautiful and enjoyable.
看完了，我只是觉得你的语言还可以
对题目我觉得有必要探讨一下，请仔细审题：题目分为两层
1．        提出现象：社会过多的强调了楷模。你需要做的是，同意或者是否定这种现象。注意，你的观点应该是同意或者否认：社会过多的强调了楷模吗？而不是楷模是否太多，或者太少！！！
2．        第2层是题目从现象得出的结论，也是你需要重点需要论述的。你觉得应该模仿楷模呢，还是应该有自己独立的成长，或者是折中的观点：都应该做。而这样做是否是最好的选择呢？这些都是需要你去论述的
也许我错了，但我还是把我的观点告诉你：你跑题了。而且如果你不是非常牛，我还是建议你用比较通常的结构写，每一段的中心句必须突出，且为每段第一句。如果比较牛，那就没必要听我的循规蹈矩的写法，自由的创作发挥应该能得更高的分数
我的观点说完了，如果觉得有什么不妥的，我们可以再讨论。
共勉！！！

xiaoheUID: 162707

多谢这么多G友关注，意见越提越深入，问题越来越明显。我们要的不就是这种气氛和这股精神吗？

对于破题立论这一点，确实是个关键，否则真是“下笔千言，离题万里”。先前私下里也同个别G友讨论过，现在重新审视一下，谈谈我的看法，希望大家多发表意见，以求能够较好领会破题要旨，并最好能统一认识。

对于这个题目，我是这么分析的：论者应该是在指责对榜样强调过多因而使人们尚失了自己的思想和行为方式。如果要他论证，他应该会说这个现象说明对榜样强调大太多了，那个现象也说明强调太多了，弄得大家忙于跟风模仿，于是乎。。。
我想立的论点就是对榜样的强调根本就不存在过多的问题，再多也没错，有原因A（榜样的价值）、B（榜样从来是不会过多的），而且它也不是使人们尚失自己的原因（也可算原因C吧）。属于全盘否定吧。

当然现在想起来文中有些部分的论据要换个方式表达可能会更切题。比如应该指出当今各国在各层次上都仍然十分再意评“十佳”“杰出”“优秀”什么的，一个重要目的不就是刻意树榜样，强化榜样的形象吗？中国自不用说，在西方也有很强的形象大使和人之楷模的意识呀。比如前不久逝世的前总统里根，在美国就很受人爱戴，无数人驱车四五个小时，又排队五六个小时，就为一睹遗容。场面极其感人。并且媒体都在缅怀他的生前光辉的人格。
还有也是前两个月辞世的原电影《超人》的演员，名字忘了，瘫痪数十年来，以坚强的意志克服诸多常人难以想象的病痛折磨，并穷尽所能为高位截瘫的人们争取权益和福利。。。

综上所述，我觉得自己立论应该没问题，但是论述上是偏了一些。至少应该指出当今社会仍然在一如既往的景仰榜样，学习榜样。当然具体怎么行文我现在还没想清楚。

（唉，用中文写起东西来，思路好象跟着字就出来了。用英文写却什么也想不出来。）

大家再讨论讨论，如果能讨论得比较清楚，也算我们互动的一大成就吧

foreverlovesUID: 166930

In our thousands of years of history, role models are everywhere from the most ancient to the modern world, from the greatest masters to our next door neighbors.这句又不是主题句！ Yet they are never more than needed.这才是主题句！ One the one hand, although a few people may set their heart on following one role model, the majority usually have different role models in different aspects of their own life. As a young woman, I set Eleanor in “Sense and Sensibility” as my model, dispassionate, sensible, considerate yet full of genuine love. When I have children, I hope I will be the type of mother as the one in “Little Women”, who is amiable, caring, tolerating yet extremely efficient in guidance of her children. In my career, I will take the excellent colleagues as my model and try to be creative, diligent and outstanding in my commitment. And more models we do have in our other roles such as being a child, a friend, a leader, an instructor, etc.我觉得你这段的例子跑题了，你所需要论述的是：楷模只会不够，不会过剩！！！！而你好象在写散文？



第一句就是主题句吧，是论证role model无处不在，甚至可以是很普通的
neighbors举的例子也是针对这一点的。
疑问是，虚构的人物可以不可以是我们的榜样？
一般来说现实中的人物更容易被接受吧，因为小说中的人物有作者夸张的部分
放在这里说服力不够

开水~~烫烫烫~~~UID: 188097

我觉得你这样立论应该毫无问题。但是在你写的文章里看不出你是这样立论的，或者说应该不是大家都能够认可或默认你在文章里强调role models are never more than needed 意味着role models 多或不多就是对role models 的强调多或不多。
若你真是想用越多来表明越强调，应该用言语体现出/让别人知道你的这个默认。这样我觉得好些吧。不过说实在的，我自己觉得这个issue topic 重点写topic的前半部分不是很好写，至少是现在这么认为（可能过一阵回头又发现好写了呢）。
所以我觉得xiaohe写得不错了呢。

继续加油啊！

最初由 xiaohe 发布
[B]我想立的论点就是对榜样的强调根本就不存在过多的问题，再多也没错
以下省略...... [/B]

poohUID: 146994

写得真不错啊，赞一个。

我认为body2和3可以合并起来，或者只保留一个，这两段比较类似。另外body4地分析论证可以再加深写，毕竟这也是个重点。我想到的一点是我们并不是在被动的接受role models，因为我们有主动选择的意识，或许你在body2,3提到了这点但是没有写到点子上，你应该突出人们这种主动的能力是independent。 或许有得role models有污点，但是我们要学会选择学习他好的一面。