issue150 (prepare for 207—14)

haiyaUID: 187989

LSD,抱歉，我明天来拍。
有点感冒吃了药，现在晕啊。不行了。
抱歉啊，你帮我拍了不少文章了。

to pooh, 我的那篇文我回复了，有个问题想问问你。麻烦再看一下：）

LSDUID: 157855

呵呵，楼上好好休息！
拍你的文章对我也是一种学习阿:p
大家共同进步！

naiba369UID: 131655

150."Because of television and worldwide computer connections, people can now become familiar with a great many places that they have never visited. As a result, tourism will soon become obsolete."

I don't agree with the speaker's assertion that tourism will soon become obsolete due to the development of television and worldwide computer connections. If we make careful observation and consideration, we can find that television and computer connections may provide us the beautiful vision and knowledge while they cannot meet other more important needs of human beings, what's more, such high-tech may even inspire people's desire of tourism and visit.

The speaker's conclusion that tourism will soon become outdated is unwarranted. According to my observation and information from newspaper,这是不是太主观和随意了，没有体现出例证的严谨性。 tourism of the whole world is not decline but more prosperity recently than the past, although the world television and computer connections also developed in a rocketing speed. 顺序有误，读着不顺Money comes from the earning of tourism covering a large proportion of city’s economic income. We can search a lot of information and pictures about Chinese famous Great Wall, but there are still thousands of visitors from allover the world to the great creation of human beings every year. Similarly, in Egypt, its symbol architecture-- pyramids also attract visitors from European to Asia. From the above, we can see that tourism in the world will not fade away even if people can familiar with a great many places with the help of television and worldwide computer connections.
我觉得你的论证逻辑不是太好，先看你的分析：
1．        开头你提出The speaker's conclusion that tourism will soon become outdated is unwarranted。就是指出，你认为speaker的后面的论点不对。
2．        然后你的分析是从：从我的观察，旅游没有outdated，反而很兴旺， 继而提出great wall，等的例子。
我觉得这样论述比较自然。
1．        指出speaker的后面的论断是错误的。
2．        为什么的？
3．        从理论分析，电视和互联网的发展并不能replace人们亲自旅游的那份惬意（这样论证的好处就是，你很自然的将speaker的前面的叙述和后面你认为错误的论断衔接起来，不至于太突然，显得很“自然”。此外，你似乎没有这样的习惯：在论述完自己的ts后，进行一下简短的理论分析，你是直接上来就是例子。而且，没有for instance,
4．        这样的提示语，会让改卷的老师认为你的结构不够清晰。）
5．        然后举例，我经常看tv和internet，但我仍然很喜欢旅游，很自然的驳斥了后面的错误论点，且照应了前面的叙述。
6．        最后，在照应一下ts
Further more, when we down to the reason that why people are still go for a visit to the places after they already have familiar with them through the help of television and computer, we can recognize that there are something more important than the landscape and information of a famous place. 那个something到底是什么呢，你还没有说就又开始举例了，老问题―――缺少理论分析For example, why numerous people go to Hawaii every year? Are they going there only for the beautiful beach scene? In fact, people go there not only for the attractive view, but also for the delicious seafood, warm sun and seawater, and the special shore culture. 难道电视或者internet上就没有delicious seafood, warm sun and seawater, and the special shore culture 了吗？应该强调的是那份自己的亲身体验，而非虚拟的，tv or interent 上的了解These, undoubtedly cannot be realized and enjoyed no matter how success work the television and computer connections do. If people wish to own the foregoing things, the only way is go for a visit to the real places. Moreover, even one has been to Hawaii before, we cannot deny the possibility that he/she will go twice or third times to the same place. So, tourism will not become outdate for it can meet people's special needs which cannot be realized by television and computer connections.

Last but not least, television and computer connections will inspire people's willing to visit the places that they are interested. A person who has interested in human history may decide to go to visit China, after he/she read the introduction of the old and mysterious country on the television. An architecture may plan a visit for Paris, when he/she see the pictures of Paris architectures which have unique style. Hence television and computer connections will not make tourism outdated but rather make it prosperity. 从论证的充分性而言，将好处放在后面会削弱你前面的论证，最好还是调整顺序。将这个b3做为新的b1，然后，继续。

To sum up, television and computer connections which are the creation of 20th century, will not replace the importance of tourism despite they can make people familiar with many places. Tourism itself has special characteristics and advantages, which high-tech cannot bring us and in the future, high-tech as a bridge between visitors and their aim place will help tourism enlarge its influence.

欢迎拍砖和讨论！

小结一下：
1．        从结构上而言，选择的不是最好的，特别是最后的b3，有点“搬起石头砸自己脚的感觉”
2．        每段开头后，理论分析不足。
3．        文章中缺少必要的提示词，比如：for example, for instance,这样会让改卷者很清晰的看到你的段内层次。
4．        词语频繁使用，特别是那个outdate，用了2遍，最好换一下。
呵呵，加油了！:p

这段我是用当今的现状说明作者的推论是不合理的阿，受欢迎难道不是没有过时的意思么？我这段实际上是一个引子，如何解释这种现象是b2的内容。比如I中有一道题目是说科技发展了，人们的leisure time就多起来了，有很多人都用的摆事实的证明方式，就是根据自己的经验和报纸的报道实际上人们的空闲时间并没有变得多起来，在网友的评论中这是一个很好的论证方式，我这篇文章的论证实际上也是采用的这种方法阿

问题是光举例没有适当的理论分析，给人的感觉就是“思维没有层次感”。为什么法拉第在物理学的评价没有maxwell高呢，即使是他先发现了：电磁感应。就是因为他没有从理论的高度（就如你文中的理论分析）给出一个具体的数学表达式，只是能做出试验（就如你文中的例子）

阅卷人看得不是你是仁还是智，看的是你的逻辑，10楼说得对，最重要的是把握好论证方式，避免跳跃性的思维，要层层展开逐步深入分析问题。

pooh姐姐说的很对，读你的文章的确有那种很“跳跃”的感觉，其实，“跳跃”不是什么好词，再通俗点就是“思维不连贯，短短续续，缺乏足够的连续性与一致性”，要改！

naiba369UID: 131655

呵呵，可能说的有点过

但还是希望你能提高

加油！

LSDUID: 157855

谢谢楼上这么认真仔细的评改，一定要好好学习一下！

LSDUID: 157855

[每段开头后，理论分析不足。]
这点我最近写作文时已经体会到了，就是在TS后没有能够写出一些必要的论述，这样接下来的例子会显得有些突兀。我以前是习惯于举完例子后再重点分析，因为觉得这样写比较有的放矢，也比较简单。想请教一下naiba369 有什么好的建议，对于TS后的论述，既能让人不觉得和例子后面的论述重复，又比较自然。:p


[难道电视或者internet上就没有delicious seafood, warm sun and seawater, and the special shore culture 了吗？应该强调的是那份自己的亲身体验，而非虚拟的，tv or interent 上的了解]
这点提得非常对，应该在强调一下亲身体验。


[词语频繁使用，特别是那个outdate，用了2遍，最好换一下。]
呵呵，下次一定注意！


[从结构上而言，选择的不是最好的，特别是最后的b3，有点“搬起石头砸自己脚的感觉”]
根据楼上的建议，又想了一下文章的这个结构：
1．        旅游不会过时，因为电视和网络有激发人们兴趣的作用。
2．        旅游不会过时，因为电视和网络虽然能够让人们了解很多地方，但他们的作用是有限的。受制作人和时间空间的限制。
3．        旅游不会过时，因为除了美丽的景色，信息外，还有很多东西不能光靠电视和网络来满足。
不过这样写完还是觉得段与段之间的论证结构不是很舒服。
大家又没有什么比较好的建议呢？

xjfromszUID: 157530

LSD,好会给自己的文章造声势

bcomerUID: 182621

最近刚来，觉得写的挺好

只找到几处语言上可以在推敲的地方，探讨ING

LSD加油：）

I don't agree with the speaker's assertion that tourism will soon become obsolete due to the development of television and worldwide computer connections. If we make careful observation and consideration, we can find that television and computer connections may provide us the beautiful vision and knowledge while they cannot meet other more important needs of human beings, what's more, such high-tech may even inspire people's desire of tourism and visit.

The speaker's conclusion that tourism will soon become outdated is unwarranted. According to my observation and information from newspaper, tourism of the whole world is not decline 好象没有形容词的意思 but more prosperity adj.?应该用形容词吧？ recently than the past, although the world television and computer connections also developed in a rocketing speed. Money comes from the earning of tourism covering a large proportion of city’s economic income. We can search a lot of information and pictures about Chinese famous Great Wall, but there are still thousands of visitors from all over the world to the great creation of human beings every year. Similarly, in Egypt, its symbol architecturetypical architecture?我不知道，但在不知道象征建筑怎么说时，我不大敢用N+N，还是用A+N吧……抱着学习的态度问象征建筑象征建筑该怎么说啊？ -- pyramids also attract visitors from European to Asia. From the above, we can see that tourism in the world will not fade away even if people can familiar no v.没有动词的意思吧，该用BE FAMILIAR WITH？ with a great many places with the help of television and worldwide computer connections.

Further more, when we down no v.不是动词吧？ to the reason that why people are still go for a visit to the places after they already have 加个been? familiar with them through the help of television and computer, we can recognize that there are something more important than the landscape and information of a famous place. For example, why 加个do numerous people go to Hawaii every year? Are they going there only for the beautiful beach scene? In fact, people go there not only for the attractive view, but also for the delicious seafood, warm sun and 两个AND 有点重复把and变成 逗号+temperate？ seawater, and the special shore culture. These, undoubtedly cannot be realized and enjoyed no matter how success work the television and computer connections do. If people wish to own the foregoing things, the only way is go for a visit to the real places. Moreover, even one has been to Hawaii before, we cannot deny the possibility that he/she will go twice or third times to the same place. So, tourism will not become outdate for 用since更好吧？ it can meet people's special needs which cannot be realized by television and computer connections.

Last but not least, television and computer connections will inspire people's willing to visit the places that they are interested. A person who has interested in human history may decide to go to visit China, after he/she read the introduction of the old and mysterious country on the television. An architecture may plan a visit for Paris, when he/she see the pictures of Paris architectures which have unique style. Hence television and computer connections will not make tourism outdated but rather make it prosperity will make tourism more prosper rather than make it outdated?不知道这样可以吗？.

To sum up, television and computer connections which are the creation of 20th century, will not replace the importance of tourism despite the fact that应该用DESPITE THE FACT THAT，因为DESPITE=IN SPITE OF they can make people familiar with many places. Tourism itself has special characteristics and advantages, which high-tech cannot bring us and in the future, high-tech as a bridge between visitors and their aim place will help tourism enlarge its influence.

bcomerUID: 182621

？括号都哪去了？

：）:)

LSDUID: 157855

22楼说什么呢！
这叫讨论式学习，大家共同进步！

LSDUID: 157855

谢谢bcomerDD:p
意见正在学习！

LSDUID: 157855

[symbol architecturetypical architecture?我不知道，但在不知道象征建筑怎么说时，我不大敢用N+N，还是用A+N吧……]
symbolistic architecture maybe


[warm sun and 两个AND 有点重复把and变成 逗号+temperate？ Seawater]
nod很好的建议


[will make tourism more prosper rather than make it outdated?不知道这样可以吗？]
呵呵，很好啊，比我的句子简练


[.应该用DESPITE THE FACT THAT，因为DESPITE=IN SPITE OF]
nod


这么多词性用错了，惭愧啊，下次一定注意！