issue29 写的不好，大家帮忙指点指点啊，砸我砖者我必砸之！！

ally00lingUID: 178366

2
关于Body2,我想说例子够多，只是举完了再简单解释怎么支持TS的

3
我理解这题意思是“当明星就得能预料到隐私被暴露”，而和明星本人主观意愿无关，所以最好不说他们是自愿的，而且这种自愿也还是缘于被迫，你说呢？？

flyingwindUID: 189320

最初由 ally00ling 发布
[B]2
关于Body2,我想说例子够多，只是举完了再简单解释怎么支持TS的

3
我理解这题意思是“当明星就得能预料到隐私被暴露”，而和明星本人主观意愿无关，所以最好不说他们..

以下省略...... [/B]

2点  基本同意你的说法
最近觉得老外文章里的一句话例子回味无穷啊
所以想学学

3 nod！这段还可以保留，关键向题目靠靠还是可以做为补充的。

你也加油哈，17天了

naiba369UID: 131655

Public figures such as actors, politicians, and athletes should expect people to be interested in their private lives. When they seek a public role, they should expect that they will lose at least some of their privacy.
------正文------
Should public figures such as actors, politicians, and athletes expect that they will lose at least some of their privacy when they seek a public role? In my view, the answer is of course no doubt. Their public roles force them to be scrutinized far more than common people, especially considering both the earnest psychology of the public to know curiously what their heroes are behind the images as usual and the media which even precipitate the possibility for the masses to reach their inquiring end.开头后面的具体论述有点太早了，个人意见。

The main reason why I think that the public figures should expect the exposition of their privacy lays in the interest the public exhibit to know further whatever related to the famous public figures做为段首句太长了，且有凑字的嫌疑。Everyday, the famous public figures occupy many, if not most, of our everyday life. One can look no more than the public media--news papers, broadcasting, internet, TV screen, etc to see it is the case. We are accustomed to seeing what those figures are on the floor. But as to their private life, it is also appealing to the masses who might think the public figures' lives must be more interesting than common people.没有从理论上给予一个定性的分析，然后直接是具体的、详尽描述的例子，不是很好。urthermore, the trust in what the public perform is more believable than common people exacerbate the exposition of their lives. The ads in the media showing the proposals of the public figures indicate it true. While the public wish to keep their influence to the public and limit the showing to the extent they are willing, public's comparison and appreciation often extend to a broader extent involving their private lives. It is just under this psychological sense the public are willing to peer the actions of the public figure, no matter how private those actions are to those figures.哥，说实话，我真是不知云，我觉得，如果你的英语功底还不是很强调化，只要把话说清楚就行了，没必要一味的强调长句。

At the same time, the media even propel the masses to peer easily and immediately. As we all know, media serve to pursue market profits for the shareholders. Understandably, it is the demand of the public to know all-inclusively about the public figure of the society that determines that the media prey on the public figure in almost every aspect in their lives. For worse or better, the media even eager to find some negative news of the public figures which might taint their routine images. For instance, The media pay close heed to the divorce of the famous basketball star--Michael Jordan, the Royal Love Affair or Tragic Triangle of Charles and Camilla, whether the death of Princess Diana is a murder or not, and how Cliton sexual scandal brings hot issue about whether a effective leader should hold the highest ethical and moral standard. I do not doubt this stuff related to the public figure worthwhile to be dug out, but the extreme attention to them seems to appeal the public eyeballs than the stuff itself.例子不错，挺多的，但缺少相应的具体分析，有堆砌的感觉。然后还是长句的问题了，造成阅读困难。

Finally, in some realms especially in the show business in principle the public stars are willing to show some of their privacy to some extent.做为主题句，应该讲最主要的东西放到前面，而你却将那么长的修饰语放到前面，有点过了at some extents of exposition help them to be the cynosures of the public. More often than not we can see so-called exposition of the entertainment star showing their private stuff--such as what styles of men or women she/he love most and what kind of production most appeal them most. They of course do not let the public know everything about themselves and their showing is definitely controlled well. Nevertheless, what diets the public result nothing but a boom for the public to peer further and the media follow the market trend and always fight for detailed information缺乏分析

To sum up, when the figures choose to be under more observation as public roles, they should expect that they will lose some, if not most, of their privacy. The masses have the interior impetus to know privacy of their famous few and the media facilitate it to be realized. Even some extent of self-exposition can result in more and more attention which the public figure cannot imagine. In short, while the public figures choose to be in the focus of the masses, they definitely lose at least some of their privacy which they should expect.


小结：
1．长句难读
2。具体例证后缺乏分析

flyingwindUID: 189320

谢谢naiba369

我也觉得有的句子长了，呵呵。

需要提高啊

fengboallanUID: 157405

Should public figures such as actors, politicians, and athletes expect that they will lose at least some of their privacy when they seek a public role? 设问得提出问题挺好In my view, the answer is of course no doubt. Their public roles force them to be scrutinized far more than common people, especially considering both the earnest psychology of the public to know curiously what their heroes are behind the images as usual and the media which even precipitate the possibility for the masses to reach their inquiring end.这个长句写得真的不容易，不过看起来云里雾里。真的，够长，但不够清晰。调整一下成分。其实说的不错

The main reason why I think that the public figures should expect the exposition of their privacy lays in the interest the public exhibit to know further whatever related to the famous public figures做为段首句太长了，且有凑字的嫌疑。Everyday, the famous public figures occupy many, if not most, of our everyday life. One can look no more than the public media--news papers, broadcasting, internet, TV screen, etc to see it is the case. We are accustomed to seeing what those figures are on the floor. But as to their private life, it is also appealing to the masses who might think the public figures' lives must be more interesting than common people.没有从理论上给予一个定性的分析，然后直接是具体的、详尽描述的例子，不是很好。urthermore, the trust in what the public perform is more believable than common people exacerbate the exposition of their lives. The ads in the media showing the proposals of the public figures indicate it true. While the public wish to keep their influence to the public and limit the showing to the extent they are willing, public's comparison and appreciation often extend to a broader extent involving their private lives. It is just under this psychological sense the public are willing to peer the actions of the public figure, no matter how private those actions are to those figures.哥，说实话，我真是不知云，我觉得，如果你的英语功底还不是很强调化，只要把话说清楚就行了，没必要一味的强调长句。

At the same time, the media even propel the masses to peer easily and immediately. As we all know, media serve to pursue market profits for the shareholders. Understandably, it is the demand of the public to know all-inclusively about the public figure of the society that determines that the media prey on the public figure in almost every aspect in their lives. For worse or better, the media even eager to find some negative news of the public figures which might taint their routine images. For instance, The media pay close heed to the divorce of the famous basketball star--Michael Jordan, the Royal Love Affair or Tragic Triangle of Charles and Camilla, whether the death of Princess Diana is a murder or not, and how Cliton sexual scandal brings hot issue about whether a effective leader should hold the highest ethical and moral standard. I do not doubt this stuff related to the public figure worthwhile to be dug out, but the extreme attention to them seems to appeal the public eyeballs than the stuff itself.例子不错，挺多的，但缺少相应的具体分析，有堆砌的感觉。然后还是长句的问题了，造成阅读困难。

Finally, in some realms especially in the show business in principle the public stars are willing to show some of their privacy to some extent.做为主题句，应该讲最主要的东西放到前面，而你却将那么长的修饰语放到前面，有点过了at some extents of exposition help them to be the cynosures of the public. More often than not we can see so-called exposition of the entertainment star showing their private stuff--such as what styles of men or women she/he love most and what kind of production most appeal them most. They of course do not let the public know everything about themselves and their showing is definitely controlled well. Nevertheless, what diets the public result nothing but a boom for the public to peer further and the media follow the market trend and always fight for detailed information缺乏分析

To sum up, when the figures choose to be under more observation as public roles, they should expect that they will lose some, if not most, of their privacy. The masses have the interior impetus to know privacy of their famous few and the media facilitate it to be realized. Even some extent of self-exposition can result in more and more attention which the public figure cannot imagine. In short, while the public figures choose to be in the focus of the masses, they definitely lose at least some of their privacy which they should expect.

fengboallanUID: 157405

Should public figures such as actors, politicians, and athletes expect that they will lose at least some of their privacy when they seek a public role? 设问得提出问题挺好In my view, the answer is of course no doubt. Their public roles force them to be scrutinized far more than common people, especially considering both the earnest psychology of the public to know curiously what their heroes are behind the images as usual and the media which even precipitate the possibility for the masses to reach their inquiring end.这个长句写得真的不容易，不过看起来云里雾里。真的，够长，但不够清晰。调整一下成分。其实说的不错

The main reason why I think that the public figures should expect the exposition of their privacy lays in the interest the public exhibit to know further whatever related to the famous public figures。说真的，我看你的长句都是挺晕的。成分都对，但就是不够地道。该一下成分的位置。Everyday, the famous public figures occupy many, if not most, of our everyday life. （此句好像不太通顺）One can look no more than the public media--news papers, broadcasting, internet, TV screen, etc to see it is the case. We are accustomed to seeing what those figures are on the floor.（front？） But as to their private life, it is also appealing to the masses who might think the public figures' lives must be more interesting than common people.furthermore, the trust in what the public perform is more believable than common people exacerbate the exposition of their lives. The ads in the media showing the proposals of the public figures indicate it true. While the public wish to keep their influence to the public and limit the showing to the extent they are willing, public's comparison and appreciation often extend to a broader extent involving their private lives. It is just under this psychological sense the public are willing to peer the actions of the public figure, no matter how private those actions are to those figures.大哥，这段的建议我和naiba一样，不知道所云为何物。原因：1词汇的指代不明确。不知道什么词汇是说什么？2句子的成文安排有问题，一样的，有点憋嘴。建议：论正如果自己都觉得不满意，说不清楚，就用例证。多少娱乐圈的人人物物等着咱们在批斗呢，那里边最有新闻了，最好据国外的例子。这段的结构：总起一句概括分论点+分论点的分析（清楚明白为主，GRE不是语言考试，主要是看你的思维，就是用超级牛牛的词汇和句子，搭配不当分数也不会高）+例证，这个比较好找，好莱坞的明星们多少你也知道几个人拼写吧。+分论点的总结。这就清晰完美了

At the same time, the media even propel the masses to peer easily and immediately. 把群众怎么了？As we all know, media serve to pursue market profits for the shareholders. 这句话说的不错，把媒体的本质说出来了一部分。不过在深入一点。就好了.Understandably, it is the demand of the public to know all-inclusively about the public figure of the society that determines that the media prey on the public figure in almost every aspect in their lives. For worse or better, the media even eager to find some negative news of the public figures which might taint their routine images. For instance, The media pay close heed to the divorce of the famous basketball star--Michael Jordan, the Royal Love Affair or Tragic Triangle of Charles and Camilla, whether the death of Princess Diana is a murder or not, and how Cliton sexual scandal brings hot issue about whether a effective leader should hold the highest ethical and moral standard. I do not doubt this stuff related to the public figure worthwhile to be dug out, but the extreme attention to them seems to appeal the public eyeballs than the stuff itself.例子不错，挺多的，但缺少相应的具体分析，有堆砌的感觉。然后还是长句的问题了，造成阅读困难。
以上这句是naiba的分析，我给你提出意见。缺少具体分析的原因是因为你在用例证之后，没有总结和分析例证，这很重要！例子过后再分析总结一下
Finally, in some realms especially in the show business in principle the public stars are willing to show some of their privacy to some extent.老毛病，调整一下成分at some extents of exposition help them to be the cynosures of the public. More often than not we can see so-called exposition of the entertainment star showing their private stuff--such as what styles of men or women she/he love most and what kind of production most appeal them most. They of course do not let the public know everything about themselves and their showing is definitely controlled well. Nevertheless, what diets the public result nothing but a boom for the public to peer further and the media follow the market trend and always fight for detailed information

To sum up, when the figures choose to be under more observation as public roles, they should expect that they will lose some, if not most, of their privacy. The masses have the interior impetus to know privacy of their famous few and the media facilitate it to be realized. Even some extent of self-exposition can result in more and more attention which the public figure cannot imagine. In short, while the public figures choose to be in the focus of the masses, they definitely lose at least some of their privacy which they should expect.
后面两段，我没怎么看。细节的修改就不用了
提出意见：
1分论点的论述不应该是想怎么写就怎么写。老外虽然是老外，但是，一天天看文章那么多，我们也为他们的精神着想。所以，结构一定要清晰：总起+分析论证+例证+例证的分析+总结
每段都一概如此。别说咱们没有创新和变化，基础能够写好就不错了。除几个牛牛以外
2你着了句子和单词的魔了。GRE写作不是托福的语言测试。所以，句子不一定牛牛，单词也不一定牛牛，但，必须清楚明了。词汇的搭配一定要合适。所以，长句最好不要云里雾里
3参照大家的意见再写一篇，始终向着套路，不能想到那些到那。那样在考场上一进场就会没话说了。遵循结构套路会节省时间，到什么地方知道干什么

期待着你的下一篇作品
我不是牛人，
但努力做个牛牛
不一定对
仅供参考
有点就不说了
说了没用
多说缺点比较好

fengboallanUID: 157405

对了，有机会加我得QQ吧。4048285
明天我会贴出一篇文章，帮我也改改
多谢

flyingwindUID: 189320

谢谢 fengboallan
今天才看到你的大作，回家过年去了。
这里上网不方便，见量
！
不知道你社么时间回来，我帮你改！如果来的及的话