Issue16 奢侈安逸生活是否阻碍性格培养问题

指向大海UID: 158737

希望明天一早起来很多人拍啊
题目
Issue16 "Although many people think that the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life are entirely harmless, in fact, they actually prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals."  16． 尽管很多人认为现在奢侈安逸的生活是无害的，但实际上这样的生活阻止了人们培养坚强独立的性格
正文
Most of us were born when the industry revolution had happened and the information revolution just took place. It is true that people everywhere ceaselessly pursue a luxurious and convenient life. Some people blame such life for preventing us from developing into truly strong and independent individuals. However, as far as I am concerned, people, especially the youth, become more strong and independent than people ever before.

In the first place, without modern facilities, we could hardly do anything. The advanced technology of the current life help people live in a comfortable way especially compared with the past. For example, without the steam engine invented by watt, we have to use antique carriage or bicycle as our daily vehicles, consequently, we spend hours to our work place everyday, cost months to receive a letter from New York to Washington. Another example is the invention of the computer and internet. With the assistance of computer, now a certain specialist can design and write out a large computer program to imitate the movement of clouds, foretelling the weather of the next few days accurately, which is unconceivable in the past. And every corner of world can get the weather forecast through the internet as soon as possible. People lived in the 70's can barely imagine studying at home, working at home, but now there are a group of people called "soho"( small office and home office) who do their jobs at home freely. Enjoying the luxuries and convenience of contemporary life and working efficiently and effectively, they are a whole new generation whose positions are related to Information Technology, writing, art and so on. Modern technology not only improves the daily life of people, but also provides people a convenient way to learn , study and work, thus strength the ability of individuals largely.

In the second place, the signification of strong and independent varies from time to time. In the time of war, strong and independent means brave, firm and combative in the battle field; In the time of economic depression, strong and independent means long-suffering(persistent) and saving in the aspect of money; In the modern time, strong and independent means holding your belief soundly and striving for your dream. We youth do have luxurious and convenient life, but that does not mean we are more light-hearted than our ancestor. Bearing hardship for entering a higher school, taking on more pressure in the employment and respond more for the family and society, all these require a strong and independent individual and we did it. It is not the luxuries and conveniences of modern life that hampers the healthy development of individuals, in fact, it is rather the attitudes one has of life and his personality that guides him through the moral development. Therefore, we could not blame the comfortable life for degrading us, the chief criminal of degrading is one's mind, and I prefer to believe the modern life strength us if we each have a positive mind. If I am not strong and independent, how could I sitting before the computer to complete this GRE issue for hours?(这句考试时就不会写了大家见笑了)

Admittedly, there are still some aspects that people become more and more depending on the instruments of science, meanwhile the original skills of human has degraded. For instance, people can have healthy body without any special exercise, while today more and more people and keep their healthy only through gong to gymnasium to accept particular exercise. Thus, it is important for us to realize the limitation of modern facilities and that potential danger which will be aroused if we lost our domination over modern facilities and too rely on them.

In summary, the soundness of personality is determined by our healthy attitudes to life, and the luxuries and convenience is not necessary to be the obstacle of the soundness. Actually, one can strengthen one's ability largely in modern life if he has a enterprise and a beautiful mind and make full use of the convenience of contemporary life.

sblbaslerUID: 175229

Most of us were born when the industry revolution had happened and the information revolution just took place. It is true that people everywhere [B][有点中式英语的味道，all the time好点吧][/B] ceaselessly pursue a luxurious and convenient life. Some people blame such life for preventing us from developing into truly strong and independent individuals. However, as far as I am concerned, people, especially the youth, become more strong and independent than people ever before.

In the first place, without modern facilities, we could hardly do anything. [B][TS句有点离题，应该说的是科技使人们更独立，你这句话以及后面的例子说的是科技在现代生活的重要性，而这种重要性和独立的关系说了，但说服力不够，比较牵强][/B] The advanced technology of the current life help people live in a comfortable way especially compared with the past. For example, without the steam engine invented by watt, we have to use antique carriage or bicycle as our daily vehicles, consequently, we spend hours to [B][on][/B] our work place everyday, cost [B][spend...in doing][/B] months to receive a letter from New York to Washington. Another example is the invention of the computer and internet. With the assistance of computer, now a certain specialist can design and write out a large computer program to imitate the movement of clouds, foretelling the weather of the next few days accurately, which is unconceivable in the past. And every corner of world can get the weather forecast through the internet as soon as possible. People lived in the 70's can barely imagine studying at home, working at home, but now there are a group of people called "soho"( small office and home office) who do their jobs at home freely. Enjoying the luxuries and convenience of contemporary life and working efficiently and effectively, they are a whole new generation whose positions are related to Information Technology, writing, art and so on. Modern technology not only improves the daily life of people, but also provides people a convenient way to learn , study and work, thus strength the ability of individuals [B][这个词用的不是很准][/B]

In the second place, the signification[B][significance][/B]  of strong [B][strongness][/B] and independent [B][independence][/B] varies from time to time. In the time of war, strong and independent means brave, firm and combative in the battle field; In the time of economic depression, strong and independent means long-suffering(persistent) and saving in the aspect of money; In the modern time, strong and independent means holding your belief soundly and striving for your dream. We youth do have luxurious and convenient life, but that does not mean we are more light-hearted than our ancestor. Bearing hardship for entering a higher school, taking on more pressure in the employment and respond more for the family and society, all these require a strong and independent individual and we did[B][are doing][/B]  it. It is not the luxuries and conveniences of modern life that hampers the healthy development of individuals, in fact, it is rather the attitudes one has of [B][towards][/B] life and his personality that guides him [B][/her][/B] through the moral development. Therefore, we could not blame the comfortable life for degrading us, the chief criminal of degrading is one's mind, and I prefer to believe the modern life strength us if we each have a positive mind. If I am not strong and independent, how could I sitting before the computer to complete this GRE issue for hours?(这句考试时就不会写了大家见笑了)[B]感觉上这段理说的还可以，但没有实例，所以显的说服力不是很强，随便编那么一个都比没有好][/B]

Admittedly, there are still some aspects that people become more and more depending on the instruments of science,[B][scinece就行了][/B]  meanwhile the original skills of human has [B][have][/B] degraded. For instance, people can have healthy body without any special exercise, while today more and more people and[B][不要and][/B]  keep their healthy only through gong to gymnasium to accept particular exercise. Thus, it is important for us to realize the limitation of modern facilities and that potential danger which will be aroused if we lost our domination over modern facilities and too rely on them.[B][这一个BODY转的不是很好，主要因为例子让人搞不懂，似乎是那么回事，但接受起来并不心服口服][/B]

In summary, the soundness of personality is determined by our healthy attitudes to life, and [B][不是很地道][/B] Actually, one can strengthen one's ability in modern life if he[B][/she][/B]  has a[B][an][/B]  enterprise and a beautiful mind and make full use of the convenience of contemporary life.
总的感觉这篇文章不是很有说服力，语言也不是很精彩，主要问题我觉得出在以下三个方面
1。缺乏有说服力的实例，没有就编，反正读你文章的人也不知道，但用事实说话是老美的value之一
2。语法错误过多，有时刻意写长句，但效果不好，最严重的是最基本的语法有时也有问题比如主谓一致。
3。文章中的“陈词滥调”过多，比如more and more, important,等就不一一列举了
个人愚见，作者或其他人有不同意见可以一起讨论！

naiba369UID: 131655

占座

poohUID: 146994

占座献kiss，表扬一下，前一段时间的表现不错，以后继续积极发扬互改的传统， :)


题目
Issue16 "Although many people think that the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life are entirely harmless, in fact, they actually prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals." 16． 尽管很多人认为现在奢侈安逸的生活是无害的，但实际上这样的生活阻止了人们培养坚强独立的性格
正文
Most of us were born when the industry revolution had happened and the information revolution just took place.一二句话之间好像没什么联系，需要连词或其他话来让文章发展的smoothly It is true that people everywhere ceaselessly pursue a luxurious and convenient life. Some people blame such life for preventing us from developing into truly strong and independent individuals. 不要抄原文However, as far as I am concerned, people, especially the youth, become more strong and independent than people ever before.最后这句话作为thesis 不全面，这句并没有包括你对luxurious and convenient life的理解，也就是说到底其是否harmless?

In the first place, without modern facilities, we could hardly do anything. 这句作topic sentense不好，因为跟本文的主题没有根本的联系，注意你的每一句topic sentense都应该是对thesis的有利支持和说明。所以你这段应该focus在convenient and modern life 对“人的成长“的积极意义上。 The advanced technology of the current life help people live in a comfortable way especially compared with the past. For example, without the steam engine invented by watt, we have to use antique carriage or bicycle as our daily vehicles, consequently, we spend hours to our work place everyday, cost months to receive a letter from New York to Washington.后面的例子还可以，没有必要写太多的例子，每段一两个足够了  Another example is the invention of the computer and internet. With the assistance of computer, now a certain specialist can design and write out a large computer program to imitate the movement of clouds, foretelling the weather of the next few days accurately, which is unconceivable in the past. And every corner of world can get the weather forecast through the internet as soon as possible. People lived in the 70's can barely imagine studying at home, working at home, but now there are a group of people called "soho"( small office and home office) who do their jobs at home freely. Enjoying the luxuries and convenience of contemporary life and working efficiently and effectively, they are a whole new generation whose positions are related to Information Technology, writing, art and so on. Modern technology not only improves the daily life of people, but also provides people a convenient way to learn , study and work, thus strengthstrengthen  the ability of individuals largely.

In the second place, the signification of strong and independent varies from time to time. In the time of war, strong and independent means brave, firm and combative in the battle field; In the time of economic depression, strong and independent means long-suffering(persistent) and saving in the aspect of money; In the modern time, strong and independent means holding your belief soundly and striving for your dream. We youth do have luxurious and convenient life, but that does not mean we are more light-hearted than our ancestor. Bearing hardship for entering a higher school, taking on more pressure in the employment and respond more for the family and society, all these require a strong and independent individual and we did it. It is not the luxuries and conveniences of modern life that hampers the healthy development of individuals, in fact, it is rather the attitudes one has of life and his personality that guides him through the moral development. Therefore, we could not blame the comfortable life for degrading us, the chief criminal of degrading is one's mind, and I prefer to believe the modern life strength us if we each have a positive mind. If I am not strong and independent, how could I sitting before the computer to complete this GRE issue for hours?(这句考试时就不会写了大家见笑了)

这一段写了好几层的意思，
1 对于strong & independent 的不同时期的不同理解
2. 即便在现在convenient life ， 也存在考验
3 决定人是否strong independet 的是人的态度

这样一来，让人感觉这段写了很多东西却都是一笔带过，没有深度，也比较混乱。
我建议这样：
第二段的TC应该是： 即便在现在convenient life ， 也存在考验。
这句之后写的人们的misunderstanding, 以为只有过去挨饿挨冻才算是考验，才可以塑造独立的性格，这时候引出对于strong & independent 的不同时期的不同理解。然后这段重点写一下modern life对人有哪些考验

把3 决定人是否strong independet 的是人的态度，单独拿出来，作为body3,


Admittedly, there are still some aspects that people become more and more depending on the instruments of science, meanwhile the original skills of human has degraded. For instance, people can have healthy body without any special exercise, while today more and more people and keep their healthy only through gong to gymnasium to accept particular exercise. Thus, it is important for us to realize the limitation of modern facilities and that potential danger which will be aroused if we lost our domination over modern facilities and too rely on them.

In summary, the soundness of personality is determined by our healthy attitudes to life, and the luxuries and convenience is not necessary to be the obstacle of the soundness. Actually, one can strengthen one's ability largely in modern life if he has a enterprise and a beautiful mind a beautiful mind? 似乎跟这个关系不大吧 and make full use of the convenience of contemporary life.

总的来说，逻辑上有些小问题，开头的thesis没写好，TC也需要仔细思考一下。语言没什么问题，很流畅。深度不太够，虽然body1写了很多，但是毕竟body1这层意思不是全文的重点，body2写了很多意思但又过于泛泛。

再修改一下应该是不错的文章， 加油！

naiba369UID: 131655

不是吧，嘿嘿，能换成压岁钱不:p，呵呵，今天要跟妈妈出去走亲戚，可能很晚才能把这个坑添上呢

嘿嘿，国宝级的MM

:D

naiba369UID: 131655

1。从文章来说。B1我觉得就是跑题，楼上了2位已经给你指出了一些具体的建议。我就不多说了。B2的问
题是缺乏有效的例子，然后我个人认为前面的那种“不用时期下的定义”没有太大的不要，你只要说明不同就好了。然后B3太简单了，很单薄。

2。我觉得写出这样的文章，还是你对这个topic的认识不够，我是这么想的。
POSITION:这种观点是片面的。
B1:的确，安逸的生活是人类追求的终极目标之一，它可以使人们在紧张的工作、学习之余放松身心，舒缓现代社会过分紧张的压力。
B2：但是，以目前生活的安逸程度而言，的确致使有些人很难能够经历苦痛。eg，中国的独生子女太娇气了。
B3: 具体到每个人而言，坚强独立的性格是一个很个性化的东西，安逸的生活并非和脆弱是必然关系。
END：总上。

fengboallanUID: 157405

海哥，N多大牛帮你拍了，我这小砖块不致命阿。啥时候有新作通知我一下。QQ，悄悄话都行。感谢你对我那篇教育类的修改

指向大海UID: 158737

to  sblbasler: 谢谢细致的修改 有一些问题
In the second place, the signification[significance] of strong [strongness] and independent [independence] varies from time to time. signification这个词时含义的意思啊!相当于meaning,至于后面究竟用形容词好还是名词好俺想了很久觉得既然是坚强和独立的含义用形容词也可因为后面都用形容词比较方便,就相当于形容词活用做名词了,不过要打上引号
in fact, it is rather the attitudes one has of [towards] life and his personality that guides him [/her] through the moral development. 偶觉得of没错啊!还有如果每个he都加上she的话这作文就不好写了,中文可以用他代替她英文也可以.
偶帮你批了52了

to pooh   谢谢!偶再改改结构和TS

to naiba   偶觉得body1并不跑题,就算现代生活不利于性格培养你也已经离不开现代生活了
   btw你不是cancel了么?怎么又在作文版混?

to fengbo  呵呵有新作一定通知!

naiba369UID: 131655

btw你不是cancel了么?怎么又在作文版混?

呵呵，这才能说明偶的无私奉献呢，嘿嘿

:D