Argument6 爵士乐俱乐部申请贷款的，互相帮助，共同进步！

yifangcatUID: 141546

This argument recommends the bank should approve an application for a small business loan by a group of develops in the city of Monroe. To support this conclusion the speaker cites a jazz music club in Monroe would have been a tremendously profitable enterprise. The author bases this recommendation on more than three facts: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer; the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment; and several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe and etc. As discussed below ,the argument suffers from several critical flaws and is therefore unpersuasive.

First of all, the arguer concludes too hastily that 100,000 people signify a large population of the city. The speaker overlooks the ratio that 100,000 people occupied in the whole number of the city's population. Without the total population in Monroe, the speaker cannot justify the conclusion that the people who attended the jazz festival is large enough to build this kind of club.

Secondly, the argument relies on that the jazz fans spend about $1,000 per year. But the speaker provides no evidence that this expenditure is a large part of their incomes arranged freely. Moreover, perhaps humans in this city take in far more than this number of money. This fact cannot explain they prefer to take part in the club with high price that the comany would gain much more profit.

Thirdly, the fact that well-known jazz musicians lived there would have brought more people to join the club. However, the speaker fails to substantiate this assumption. This evidence in itself lend little credible support to the speaker's theory about the profit of the jazz music club.

Finally, even if the club would have gained perfect profit, the speaker unfairly assumes that the bank would approve this loan. Because it is true that it is the only condition but it is not sufficient. The credit is the most important while granting a loan.


In conclusion, he argument is unconvincing as it stands. To strengthen it, the speaker should point out the total population and average income per person in this city that the number mentioned in the argument may illustrate the ratio. To better evaluate the argument, the speaker would provide the credit of the C Note as the foundation the bank would believe definitely.

hardbeaverUID: 197443

第一个论点有点问题，对jazz pub来说，100，000人已经很多了，没有必要去怀疑它占的分量
是不是应该从参加festival的人不一定参加pub这方面来讨论呢

yifangcatUID: 141546

那如果改成100，000不一定都是爱好者呢？因为很多音乐会去的人不见得就真正爱好···

poqmarsUID: 175401

第2个论点 1000$ 更应该从this data based on a nationwide survey not
represent this local condition 这点上来写

yifangcatUID: 141546

呵呵，谢谢各位热心人啊

sherry_shanghaiUID: 189887

我觉得你的论点很多也很有理由，能在这么短时间里写这么多真的是强人！但是有一点如果你再注意一下可能会更好，每一段的论点都写得不太充分，用ETS的话说就是not developed well，这是那天我看对一篇范文的点评中找到的，如果你能突出一两个论点，举例子说得更充分些，可能效果会更好。一点愚见，欢迎拍

晨曦UID: 177893

如果没人看，试试看多改两篇别人的，既是借鉴学习，也是熟悉人口，才能有人来帮你呢。

作文论坛强调的是互动，而不是义务啦。认真就会有进步哦，不管是改别人的还是写自己的

偶是局外人，说这个话可能方便些。勿见怪。错了算我的。

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