Argument90 第2篇 因为写得不好，所以限时写完以后又改了许多，请拍砖

shirleymaluUID: 197811

Argument90  第2篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
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作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：30分2秒     524 words
从2005年2月6日10时15分到2005年2月6日10时30分
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The following appeared in an editorial on health problems in the country of Corpora.
'Some pharmacies now feature ultrasound machines that screen for an elevated risk of stroke. For a fee, a technician presses a probe against the neck to determine whether any plaque has thickened the walls of the main artery leading to the brain. Researchers have shown that a thickening of artery walls is associated with elevated stroke risk, and such scans typically find that anywhere from 5 to 20 percent of clients has detectable plaque. All pharmacies should offer this service, because early detection of increased risk for stroke（别和smoker搞混了） will encourage clients to consult with their doctors and make important life-style changes to reduce their risk of having a stroke. This in turn will cause a decrease in overall medical costs in Corpora.'
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In this argument, the arguer draws the conclusion that all pharmacies in the country of Corpora should offer the service of a scan that can detect plaque. Although the argument sounds convincing at first glance, I find the recommendation is open to doubt for that it fails to provide sufficient evidence showing that the service is effective enough. In addition, the assumption that by taking this method, life-style of the patients will change and the overall medical costs in Corpora will enjoy a decrease is not well validated.

To begin with, the arguer fails to convince us that the service is powerful enough. Although he provides us with details about how the machine works, there is no evidence responsible for the effectiveness of the machine. We are not informed with how the research is conducted and whether the samples for this research are representative enough to reflect the general all people suffering from strike risk as a whole. It is very likely that most of the clients taking this research are already patients or belong to the aged group who has more chances to suffer from risk for stroke. 5% or 20% is not very encouraging statistics. In addition, the arguer mistakes the recollection between the plaque with the thickening of artery walls for a definite relationship, not to mention the elevated stroke risk.

Another reason I find the recommendation groundless is that the arguer fails to show us the reason why all the pharmacies should offer this service, since he shows us no evidence about whether the service is profitable or not. At least it might be very expensive for a pharmacy to buy and keep one of those machines and it is not suggested in the argument that people have the desire to pay a large amount of money taking that service. It might be more realistic for the hospitals to purchase that kind of machine. Moreover, given that the service offered by several pharmacies works well, it is unfounded to refer that this method should also be taken by other pharmacies, which is not under the same condition such as the location and the clients it owns.

In addition, the argument fails to justify the assumption that clients will consult with their doctors and take changes in their life style. The arguer fails to establish a causal relationship between life styles and strike risk and rule out other causes. Given that the way people live is the actual cause and they have realized the disadvantages of it, the conclusion that they will definitely get rid of their bad habits lacks credibility.

Finally, there is no evidence available to support the arguer's assumption that overall medical cost in that country will decrease. First of all, the service might be expensive, which will cost clients even much more than taking regular check-up. What's more, the arguer fails to consider other possible factors that might lead to an increase in medical cost such as the break-out of some kind of infection.

In sum, the argument is not as convincing as it stands. To better assess the recommendation, the arguer needs to provide more evidence indicating that all pharmacies should offer this service. To strengthen this argument, the arguer also is in need of taking a survey showing the willingness of the patients to have better life-style. And whether this service actually results in a decrease in overall medical cost needs further information. Otherwise, it is arbitrary for the arguer to draw such a hasty conclusion.

晨曦UID: 177893

如果没人看，试试看多改两篇别人的，既是借鉴学习，也是熟悉人口，才能有人来帮你呢。

作文论坛强调的是互动，而不是义务啦。认真就会有进步哦，不管是改别人的还是写自己的

偶是局外人，说这个话可能方便些。勿见怪。错了算我的。

PS:可以利用页面下方的工具条来找 0回复 的文章的 —— 按照 “回复数量” 以 “降序” 排列......

shirleymaluUID: 197811

谢谢你的劝告，我已经开始改别人的文章了，也希望大家帮我改一改。因为很少上BBS，所以有些规矩不明白，请见谅。