issue 93 同主题写作3 修改篇,大家看看这次是不是好些了

枫丹UID: 166492

观点：个人责任概念是必要的，但是他不仅仅是一个虚构,而是的确存在的概念
1， 人的行为尽管受到外力的影响，但是是由其本人决定的。
2， 自由选择决定了责任的存在，它使社会中的人保持一种职业道德， 从而是社会更有序
3， 除此之外，这个概念还影响着整个社会的文明状况。。

There is much controversy about the existence of the concept of the individual responsibility. Is the concept just a fiction? In my point of view, I agree that the concept of the responsibility is an objective existence rather than a fiction, and also is necessary to individual and even the society as a whole.

Firstly, although people’s behaviors are influenced by different outside factors, yet in fact the real rulers which determine their behaviors are themselves. It is true that in the world some forces coming from the nature or the society affect people’s determinations and at first glance, people have no choice to determine their behaviors but to submit to these forces. However, closer examination reveals that the choices, made by people through their distinctive natures and certain beliefs, exist everywhere and create the people’s behaviors ultimately. That is to say, the determination of people’s behavior had less to do with the outsides powers than with the people’s individual natures and beliefs. For example, facing the life-threatening illness, some ones lose confidence to live and choose suicide, but some courageous people choose to overcome it and gain success, just as Lance Armstrong, the first Western woman to become a doctor. In her times, women are not permitted to study medicine, but in order fulfill her dream to become a doctor, she did not choose to submit to the pressure coming form the society but chose to try his best to pursue her goal. Her strong volition made these professors, who refused to teach her at first, to accept her made her become the first Weston woman doctor in modern times. From his success, it can be sure that only people themselves can determine their behavior and even their lives.

Secondly, the free-determination entails the commitment and individual responsibility, which means being pro-active, making decision consciously and carefully and accepting accountability for everything one dose-or fails to do. The sense of the self-responsibility should be instilled into the mind of every one-who can determine their behaviors, because it could serve as a power to create professional ethics. Equipped with the concept, a surgeon would believe that his true responsibility is to prevent pain and suffering from any illness; a historian would consider that his accountability is discovering the truth behind the history description; and a teacher would consider imparting knowledge to his students as his duty. From this point, the individual responsibility guarantees the order of the society.

Besides driving people to be responsible for their works, the concept of the self-responsibility is also the cornerstone of the civilization. With this concept of individual accountability, people must consider consciously and carefully before they do something because once their behaviors undermine the lawful right of the others, they will receive punishment. The free market, with its voluntary cooperation between individuals for mutual benefit, is the epitome of this concept. Most people in business have be convinced that transgressing against their fellow man will not favor a system of peaceful exchange, and at last will undermine their own reputation and reduce their own properties.

In sum, since the decision of the individual behavior is made by people themselves rather than by any other forces, people should accept the accountability for every thing one dose-fails to do, therefore the concept of the individual is no longer a necessary fiction, In fact it can be showed in every aspect of the world and guarantee the stability and development of the whole society.

枫丹UID: 166492

顺便做个检讨和保证
抱歉第一次发上来时,没查清语法错误,搞了很多低级错误,给鬼骨子添了麻烦,我检讨
再来个保证,今后发的文章,语法错误不多与5个(实在不敢保证0出错率)
另一个,今后我改的文章,一律严拍,从语法抓起!

imjasonUID: 176604

偶来占坐
呵呵

imjasonUID: 176604

There is much controversy about the existence of the concept of the individual responsibility. Is the concept just a fiction? In my point of view, I agree that the concept of the responsibility is an
objective existence rather than a fiction, and also is necessary to an individual and even the society as a whole.

Firstly, although people’s behaviors are influenced by different outside factors, yet这个样子行么？although...yet... in fact the real rulers which determine their behaviors are themselves. It is true that in the world some forces coming from the nature or the society affect people’s determinations and at first glance, people have no choices to determine their behaviors but to submit to these forces. However, closer examination reveals that the choices, made by people through their distinctive natures and certain beliefs, exist everywhere and create the people’s behaviors ultimately. That is to say, the determination of people's behavior had为什么会出现过去时呢？一般现在时应该可以用的吧 less to do with the outsidess?可以去掉吧？ powers than with the people’s individual natures and beliefs. For example, facing the life-threatening illness, some ones lose confidence to live and choose suicide, but some courageous people choose to overcome it and gain success, just as Lance Armstrong, the first Western woman to become a doctor可以简洁点，比如说the first Western woman doctor?. In her times, women are not permitted to study medicine, but in order fulfill her dream to become a doctor, she did not choose to submit to the pressure coming form the society but chose可以去掉这个吧？ to try hisher best to pursue her goal. Her strong volition made these professors, who refused to teach her at first, tomade后面的不定式可以不要to吧？ accept her made her become the first Weston woman doctor in modern times.这个句子有些毛病啊，建议修改下。 From hisher？这样的错误应该避免了。 success, it can be sure that only people themselves can determine their behavior and even their lives.我觉得这段话的内容和个人责任没有必然的联系啊，至少你没有将个人选择和责任扯上。我觉得至少优点题目中的关键词出现

Secondly, the free-determination entails the commitment and individual responsibility, which means being pro-active什么意思, making decision consciously and carefully and accepting accountability for everything也不是everything这么绝对吧 one dose-or fails to do. The sense of the self-responsibility should be instilled into the mind of every one-who can determine这个词从开始到现在出现太多了，建议换下 their behaviors, because it could serve as a power to create professional ethics. Equipped with the concept, a surgeon would believe that his true responsibility is to prevent pain and suffering from any illness应该指明是让病人少受痛苦了; a historian would consider that his accountability is discovering the truth behind the history description; and a teacher would consider imparting knowledge to his students as hisor her duty. From this point, the individual responsibility guarantees the order of the society.感觉和第一段差不多，有些重复，没有深入了

Besides driving people to be responsible for their works, the concept of the self-responsibility is also the cornerstone of the civilization. With this concept of individual accountability, people must consider consciously and carefully before they do something because once their behaviors undermine the lawful right of the others, they will receive punishment. The free market, with its voluntary cooperation between individuals for mutual benefit, is the epitome of this concept. Most people in business have been convinced that transgressing against their fellow man will not favor a system of peaceful exchange, and at last will undermine their own reputation and reduce their own properties.小宇宙在蠢蠢欲动

In sum, since the decision of the individual behavior is made by people themselves rather than by any other forces, people should accept the accountability for every thing one dose-fails to do, therefore the concept of the individual is no longer a necessary fiction, In fact it can be showed in every aspect of the world and guarantee the stability and development of the whole society.
感觉整篇文章优点平淡，没有深入下去。我自己水平也不高了，一点拙见

枫丹UID: 166492

最初由 imjason 发布
[B]There is much controversy about the existence of the concept of the individual responsibility. Is the concept just a fiction? In my point of view, I agree that ..

以下省略...... [/B]

although people’s behaviors are influenced by different outside factors, yet这个样子行么？although...yet...

这样是可以的,关于这一点,我可以确定/

That is to say, the determination of people's behavior had为什么会出现过去时呢？一般现在时应该可以用的吧 less to do with the outsidess?可以去掉吧？

是我的问题,平时背的时候疏忽掉了.

我觉得这段话的内容和个人责任没有必然的联系啊，至少你没有将个人选择和责任扯上。我觉得至少优点题目中的关键词出现

我的本来意思,是攻击他的一个原因证明个人意志存在,为下面证明责任存在打下基础.

小宇宙在蠢蠢欲动

呵呵,不明白了:)

非常感谢你,希望今后多多交流,我们考的时间差不多哦:)

smartyrUID: 169453

我一会看看
先up一下

smartyrUID: 169453

观点：个人责任概念是必要的，但是他不仅仅是一个虚构,不仅不是吧？？而是的确存在的概念
1， 人的行为尽管受到外力的影响，但是是由其本人决定的。
2， 自由选择决定了责任的存在，它使社会中的人保持一种职业道德， 从而是社会更有序
3， 除此之外，这个概念还影响着整个社会的文明状况。。

There is much controversy about the existence of the concept of the individual responsibility. Is the concept just a fiction? In my point of view, I agree that下次多换一下，比如：prefer to/in favor of 之类的:) the concept of the responsibility is an objective existence rather than a fiction, and also is necessary to individual and even the society as a whole.the conception of personal responsibility is an objective existence and also necessary  to individual and even the societ as a whole rather than a fiction 我喜欢这样写.BTW,题目是说个人责任是必要的虚构，但是这里你直接用fiction是否不太好？/个人意见

Firstly, although people’s behaviors are significantly 我发现我们的作文和高手的区别是不知道用那些很模糊但又必要的修饰词influenced by different outside factors, yet与前面的although能一起用？ in fact the real rulers which determine their behaviors are themselves.这句很不native！你说影响大，表现在哪里？？我怎么没看出来？ It is true that in the world some forces coming from the nature or the society affect people’s determinations and at first glance, people have no choice to determine their behaviors but to submit to these forces. However, closer examination reveals that the choices, made by people through their distinctive natures and certain beliefs, exist everywhere and create the people’s behaviors ultimately. That is to say【口语化的东西又来了】, the determination of people’s behavior had less to do with the outsides powers than with the people’s individual natures and beliefs.【what determines the personal behaviors has nothing to do with the outside factors ,but depends upon their individual beliefs instead.这样行吗，楼主？】 For example, facing the life-threatening illness, some ones 【ones可以不要的】lose confidence to live and choose suicide, but some courageous people choose to overcome it and gain success【achive success eventually】, just as Lance Armstrong, the first Western woman to become a doctor. In her times, women are not permitted to study medicine, but in order fulfill her dream to become a doctor, she did not choose to submit to the pressure coming form【from】 the society but chose to try 【chose to去了，tried her best to pursue instead】his best to pursue her goal. Her strong volition made these professors, who refused to teach her at first, to accept her made her become the first Weston woman doctor in modern times. From his又给人家换性别了 success, it can be sure that only people themselves can determine their behavior and even their lives. 【Her successful experience witnesses that only oneself can determine what he or she wants to so.】这里说得有写模糊，一下子是自然的作用力，比如：疾病，后面又是社会的迫力；最好能写清楚点。还有你据的例子说是面临疾病的危险，但是后面的Lance Armstrong我记忆中没有受到。这个例子合适吗？能够改装一下吗

Secondly, the free-determination entails the commitment and individual responsibility, which means being pro-active【想说正视吗】, making decision consciously and carefully and accepting accountability for everything one dose-or fails to do.【不明白】 The sense of the self-responsibility should be instilled into the mind of every one-who can determine their 【one's】behaviors, because it could serve as a power to create professional ethics【不native】. Equipped with the concept, a surgeon would believe that his【his/her】 true responsibility is to prevent pain and suffering from any illness; a historian would consider that his accountability is discovering the truth behind the history description; and a teacher would consider imparting knowledge to his students as his duty. From this point, the individual responsibility guarantees the order of the society.【论点提到了，觉得有点散的感觉】

Besides driving【besides不与ing连用的】 people to be responsible for their works, the concept of the self-responsibility is also the cornerstone of the civilization. With this concept of individual accountability, people must consider consciously and carefully before they do something because once their behaviors undermine the lawful right of the others, they will receive punishment. The free market, with its voluntary cooperation between individuals for mutual benefit【可以是benefits】, is the epitome of this concept【社么意思】. Most people【most of peopel/majority of】 in business have be convinced that transgressing against their fellow mancounterpart will not favor a system of peaceful exchange社么是和平交换？, and at last will undermine their own reputation and reduce their own properties.

In sum, since the decision of the individual behavior is made by people themselves rather than by any other forces, people should accept the accountability for every thing one dose-fails 【你这是从上面拷贝的吧？怎么会反这样的错两次？】to do, therefore the concept of the individual is no longer a necessary fiction, In fact it can be showed in every aspect of the world and guarantee the stability and development of the whole society.【这里和你开头的论述不一致！开头只是提到是fiction，这里是necessary fiction；开头说是必要的，这里又突然没了】

【我的水平也又限！继续努力！！我们都要！！】

枫丹UID: 166492

唉，再次被打击了。疼！
由衷感谢smartyr，我会再仔细整理的：）

smartyrUID: 169453

j加油！