同主题5 Issue130， 超时17分，来晚了，盼砖！

combatantUID: 200023

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作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：62分15秒     464 words
从2005年2月17日22时44分到2005年2月17日23时62分
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How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
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Is the way children socialized today determines the future of society?  Additionally, have we learned the effective way to raise our children for a better society in future?To my piont of view, I intend to agree that well socializing our children today ,as well as other important traits of our children, will contribute significantly to the well-being of society in future, and untill now, we are doing our best and doing a good job towards our children's socialization process.

It is very neccesary to cultivate our children's social ability which will enable them to cooperate effectively for development of society in future.   Socialization, in terms of its vital significance to our survival in society, plays a very important role in every individual's development, success as well as the well-being of the society as a whole. In this era of rapid technological progress, we become more and more interdepended in this society, therefore, individual's sociable ability, which i means communication skills, adaptation capacity to new enviroment and so on, become increasingly important to coordinating all members in certain social ornization to cooperate efficiently to achieve their goal.  Hence, in order to making our children ready for creating a better sociery, socializing our children from their childhood become an undeniable, important and neccessary duty their parents.

In the second hand, there are many factors besides sociable abilities, such as education, can determine whether our children can bring about a better society. One example involved here is Education. As we all know, the develop of society become more and more heavily depend on knowledge. The knowledge here what I mean is not only natural science and technologies, but also art, politics, and social sciences, each of which is neccesary for enhencing well-being of society. Yet, we should pay more atteintion to the education of our children and to other neccesary means of training children, in order to assure them could aquire adequent knowlege for their contribution to the development of society in future.

Finally, I think we are awaring of the importance of socializing our children, and at the same time are doing a relatively good job today. In schools, childrens are taught and encouraged to cooperate with their classmate in countless activities, such as classroom discussion,  football teams, and many kinds of competetions. Another evidence involves in academic field, many schoolars and socialists devoted their life-long energy to study socialization problems of our children. Generally,the relatively well-being of society today lends support to the claim that we are doing a relatively good job of socialization of children.

In summary, how children are socialized today contributes significantly to, but not determines the future of our society and we are effective in cultivating sociable ability of our children nowadays althrough it is far from perfect. In order to enable our children better ability to create a better society, we should study this problem carefully and take action effortly to accomplish this endearing task.24[/SIZE]

peipei_fayUID: 163182

Is the way (加上of)children socialized today determines the future of society? Additionally, have we learned the effective way to raise our children for a better society in future?To(是in) my piont of view, I intend to agree that well socializing our children today ,as well as other important traits of our children, will contribute significantly to the well-being of society in future, and untill now, we are doing our best and doing a good job towards our children's socialization process.(最后写得有点绕,可以试着改成两句话)

It is very neccesary to cultivate our children's social ability which will enable them to cooperate effectively for development of society in future. Socialization, in terms of its vital(重复,去掉) significance to our survival in society, plays a very important role in every individual's development, success as well as the well-being of the society as a whole. In this era of rapid technological progress, we become more and more interdepended in this society, therefore, individual's sociable ability, which i means communication skills, adaptation capacity to new enviroment and so on, become increasingly important to coordinating all members in certain social ornization (这是个什么词啊)to cooperate efficiently to achieve their goal. Hence, in order to making our children ready for creating a better sociery, socializing our children from their childhood become an undeniable, important and neccessary duty (加上of )their parents.(这段论证有点空洞,象是在说大道理,个人意见啊)

In the second hand, there are many factors besides sociable abilities, such as education, can determine whether our children can bring about a better society. One example involved here is Education.(一二句重复了) As we all know, the develop of society become more and more heavily (这种表达好象我没见过,可能是我比较孤陋寡闻吧)depend on knowledge. The knowledge here what I mean is not only natural science and technologies, but also art, politics, and social sciences, each of which is neccesary for enhencing well-being of society. Yet, we should pay more atteintion to the education of our children and to other neccesary means of training children, in order to assure them could aquire adequent knowlege for their contribution to the development of society in future.

Finally, I think we are awaring of the importance of socializing our children, and at the same time are doing a relatively good job today. In(改为At) schools, childrens are taught and encouraged to cooperate with their classmate ( 改为classmates)in countless activities, such as classroom discussion, football teams, and many kinds of competetions. Another evidence involves in academic field, many schoolars and socialists devoted their life-long energy to study socialization problems of our children. Generally,the relatively well-being of society today lends support to the claim that we are doing a relatively good job of socialization of children.

In summary, how children are socialized today contributes significantly to, but not determines the future of our society and we are effective in cultivating sociable ability of our children nowadays althrough it is far from perfect. In order to enable our children better ability to create a better society, we should study this problem carefully and take action effortly to accomplish this endearing task.24

提出意见不要骂我啊,
我觉得你的论证要让读文章的人想一下才能明白,不是那种水到渠成的感觉.
还有语言也存在问题,不是很流畅,可以试试背一篇6分范文

combatantUID: 200023

的确，我自己读了一遍确实有些饶，写的时候还感觉不错呢，看来一定要争取腾时间修改。语言不是一两天功力啊。下次写注意了，可能这次用多了长句，改断句多用事例可能显得更cogent一点

legisUID: 170621

有的句子的确没必要搞那么长的，另外可能critical thinking 不够