Issue130 同主题写作欢迎狂踩，必定回拍！

anthraxUID: 176473

------摘要------
作者：anthrax     共用时间：45分45秒     469 words(first version)  535(revised version)
从2005年2月19日11时27分到2005年2月19日12时45分
------题目------
How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

提纲：观点：社会化虽重要，其他因素也不可忽视。教育是成功的。
1 儿童的社会化关系到其人格形成及成人时是否能贡献社会
2 知识和能力也童谣重要
3 各种手段都用于培养儿童并行之有效。
------正文------
In a society evolving to a much more interdependent and complicated issue, more import is stressed on the socialization of its offspring, that is, to promote our children better communicate with others and to facilitate them suit in to the society. The more success achieved in progress, the more likely our world will enjoy a desirable tomorrow. However, the statement above also exaggerates the role of socializing children and too pessimistically assets failure in our attempt to educate the youth. Hence, I partially assent to the author's convention and specific reasons are listed as follow.

In the first place, the sense of socialization in early childhood has decisive significance in one's adulthood afterwards, which as well exerts considerable impact on his / her contribution to society. Consider, for instance, a child grows up in an atmosphere suffocates with hatred, violence, distrust, deceiving. Those depressing surrounding can inevitably hinder him / her from developing proper communication with others and impregnate his/ her personality with desperation, complaint, even anti-society feelings. How can we expect such a victim with deficient socialized character contribute to our world in the adulthood? The counterculture, which dominated 1960s and 1970s, can serves aptly an examples as young people decried the conventional values of society and lead to chaos as well as delusion that prevails afterwards.

Yet, with advanced socialization alone our world cannot proceed to a better tomorrow. As for a company, when a good sense of socialization facilitates all employees with cooperation and democratic management in a company, proficient skills and professional knowledge are indispensable for the corporation to function and thrive. So is a society. As a world advancing with hectic pace and astonishing development everyday, more qualified professionals are demanded in all occupations. There lies the ultimate goal of education: to equip youth with profound knowledge and cultivate their interest towards learning, in the meanwhile to indoctrinate them with proper social skills and a sense of belonging to the society. Together these two driving forces will jointly usher in prosperity and advancement in the future.

In the second place, when it comes to the capability to raise children who can bring about a desirable future, one needs go no further to see a deluge of empirical evidence demonstrating numerous effort exhausted to achieve this aim. With delicately designed curriculum and a myriad of devoted educators, schools are running with their uppermost effort to arm young pupils with knowledge and social capacities. Parents set up examples for their sons and daughters to follow, communities offer opportunities for children to engage in social event, from which they can benefit to develop certain communication techniques. Effective as those methods, several nations, Japan for example, are enjoying unprecedented development in economy, scientific research, as well ascendancy in international power.

In a word, our children are seeds slept deeply in soils and will burgeon in the next spring, if given adequate cultivation and fertilization .Both of they and us are lucky due to enough emphasis are already placed on the process to cultivate our next generation. By ensuring them to be properly socialized and equipped with profound knowledge, the world will be expecting a garden flourished with verdant plants and flowers with stunning beauty.

anthraxUID: 176473

嗯，尤其是最后一段的比喻实在是难堪……不要介意，写到最后一分钟都手心出汗了……

anthraxUID: 176473

哭，难道就没人肯帮我踩踩吗？

shengzhongbellUID: 199083

我来踩你

anthraxUID: 176473

怎么猜得那么蜻蜓点水阿

鬼谷子UID: 159645

来了来了，吻。。。

鬼谷子UID: 159645

------摘要------
作者：anthrax 共用时间：45分45秒 469 words(first version) 535(revised version)
从2005年2月19日11时27分到2005年2月19日12时45分
------题目------
How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

提纲：观点：社会化虽重要，其他因素也不可忽视。教育是成功的。
1 儿童的社会化关系到其人格形成及成人时是否能贡献社会
2 知识和能力也童谣重要
3 各种手段都用于培养儿童并行之有效。
------正文------
In a society evolving to a much more interdependent and complicated issue, more import is stressed on the socialization of its offspring, that is, to promote our children better communicate with others and to facilitate them suit in to the society. The more success achieved in 【this】progress, the more likely our world will enjoy a desirable tomorrow. However, the statement above 【其实，既然你不打算restate开头了，那么这里就不用再说是题目怎么说，你直接说自己的观点多自然啊】also exaggerates the role of socializing children and too pessimistically assets failure in our attempt to educate the youth. Hence, I partially assent to the author's convention and specific reasons are listed as follow. 【前面的一般观点说明白了，后面一半的观点只说出了反对而已】

In the first place, the sense of socialization in early childhood has decisive significance in one's adulthood afterwards, which as well exerts considerable impact on his / her contribution to society. 【论点还不错】 Consider, for instance, a child grows up in an atmosphere suffocates with hatred, violence, distrust, deceiving. 【这个不是socialization的问题，而是society的问题吧】Those depressing surrounding can inevitably hinder him / her from developing proper communication with others and impregnate his/ her personality with desperation, complaint, even anti-society feelings. 【这样解释了一下似乎稍稍合理了一点，但是我还是不建议你用上面的例子，我觉得你要举反例可以说，一个缺乏与人交流（你的socialization的定义就是交流）的孩子，长大后会怎么怎么样，就无法对社会怎么怎么样，而且，如果你举出一个具体的例子，有名有姓的就更好了】 How can we expect such a victim with deficient socialized character contribute to our world in the adulthood? The counterculture, which dominated 1960s and 1970s, can serves aptly an examples as young people decried the conventional values of society and lead to chaos as well as delusion that prevails afterwards. 【要说60年代年轻人的潮流，你应该说在50年代，甚至40年代发生了什么，在他们的童年中发生了什么（战争），这样才能更符合你的观点。仔细考虑了一下，你的例子跟你的论点配合的很巧妙。不过没说清楚】

Yet, with advanced socialization alone our world cannot proceed to a better tomorrow. 【提出例子急了一点，没论述清楚呢】As for a company, when a good sense of socialization facilitates all employees with cooperation and democratic management in a company, proficient skills and professional knowledge are indispensable for the corporation to function and thrive. So is a society. As a world advancing with hectic pace and astonishing development everyday, more qualified professionals are demanded in all occupations. There lies the ultimate goal of education: to equip youth with profound knowledge and cultivate their interest towards learning, in the meanwhile to indoctrinate them with proper social skills and a sense of belonging to the society. Together these two driving forces will jointly usher in prosperity and advancement in the future. 【论述的层次稍稍有点不清楚】

In the second place, 【类似gira那篇的问题，你这个第二是对谁说的呢，上面是有两个问题的】when it comes to the capability to raise children who can bring about a desirable future, one needs go no further to see a deluge of empirical evidence demonstrating numerous effort exhausted to achieve this aim. With delicately designed curriculum and a myriad of devoted educators, schools are running with their uppermost effort to arm young pupils with knowledge and social capacities. Parents set up examples for their sons and daughters to follow, communities offer opportunities for children to engage in social event, from which they can benefit to develop certain communication techniques. Effective as those methods, several nations, Japan for example, are enjoying unprecedented development in economy, scientific research, as well ascendancy in international power. 【会教育不只是看方法，是看结果，就像题目所说的，要看你的结果是不是培养出children who can help bring about a better society】

In a word, our children are seeds slept deeply in soils and will burgeon in the next spring, if given adequate cultivation and fertilization .Both of they and us are lucky due to enough emphasis are already placed on the process to cultivate our next generation. By ensuring them to be properly socialized and equipped with profound knowledge, the world will be expecting a garden flourished with verdant plants and flowers with stunning beauty.
【感觉B1的论据和例子好好组织一下应该会不错的，B2也需要整理一下，B3要注意靠到最终的结果上面。而B1B2与B3间的衔接还需要加强。加油！】

kkytUID: 188814

Anthrax

How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

提纲：观点：社会化虽重要，其他因素也不可忽视。教育是成功的。[你的观点是两个都反对，看你怎么论证]
1 儿童的社会化关系到其人格形成及成人时是否能贡献社会
2 知识和能力也童谣[同样]重要[能力，啥能力？社会化培养出来的communicate 的能力，compromise 的能力 adopt the behavior patterns that surrounds him 也是一种能力啊，看你下面的再说吧]
3 各种手段都用于培养儿童并行之有效。

In a society evolving to a much more interdependent and complicated issue, more import is stressed on the socialization of its offspring, that is, to promote our[你的人称怎么一回our ,前面是its offspring—单数这两个不是同义词么] children better communicate with others and to facilitate them suit [suit做vt才是适合，-suit the society]in to the society. The more success achieved in progress, the more likely our world will enjoy a desirable tomorrow. However, the statement above[上面的论述，应应该是the speaker’s claim 而不是你的吧] also exaggerates the role of socializing children and too pessimistically assets failure in our attempt to educate the youth. Hence, I partially assent to the author's convention and specific reasons are listed as follow.[能限时写出这样的开头，无语~~~]

In the first place,[第一？你不是转折让步么，admittedly?] the sense of socialization in early childhood has decisive significance in one's adulthood afterwards, which as well exerts considerable impact on his / her contribution to society[不错的TS句，不过注意程度啊，因为你是反对的，decisive significance让我怎么想？决定性意义，不就是determine the destiny of society么]. Consider, for instance, a child grows up in an atmosphere suffocates with hatred, violence, distrust, deceiving. Those depressing surrounding can inevitably hinder him / her from developing proper communication with others and impregnate his/ her personality with desperation, complaint, even anti-society feelings. How can we expect such a victim with deficient socialized character contribute to our world in the adulthood? The counterculture, which dominated 1960s and 1970s, can serves aptly an examples as young people decried the conventional values of society and lead to chaos as well as delusion that prevails afterwards. [通过你的例子，偶觉的对社会化的理解，好象有点问题，socialization--adults adopt the behavior patterns of the culture that surrounds them.所以不管是好坏，都是社会化啊，理解的不一定对，但是我觉得最好用没有社会化和有社会化对比，比如狼孩，猪孩之类的较好]


Yet, with advanced socialization alone， our world cannot proceed to a better tomorrow. As for a company, when a good sense of socialization facilitates all employees with cooperation and democratic management in a company, proficient skills and professional knowledge are indispensable for the corporation to function and thrive. [提醒，别忘了本题是论述儿童的，要强调的是儿童被社会化了会怎么样]So is a society. As a world advancing with hectic[又一个G词汇，学ing牛] pace and astonishing development everyday, more qualified professionals are demanded in all occupations. There lies the ultimate goal of education: to equip youth with profound knowledge and cultivate their interest towards learning, in the meanwhile to indoctrinate them with proper social skills and a sense of belonging to the society. Together these two driving forces will jointly usher in prosperity and advancement in the future.

In the second place,[难道与the first 并列？接下去看] when it comes to the capability to raise children who can bring about a desirable future, one needs go no further to see[look no further than吧，]  a deluge of empirical evidence demonstrating numerous effort exhausted to achieve this aim. With delicately designed curriculum and a myriad of devoted educators, schools are running with their uppermost effort to arm young pupils with knowledge and social capacities. Parents set up examples for their sons and daughters to follow, communities offer opportunities for children to engage in social event, from which they can benefit to develop certain communication techniques. Effective as those methods, several nations, Japan for example, are enjoying unprecedented development in economy, scientific research, as well ascendancy in international power. [不错这段论述的很好，特别是日本的例子点到点上了]

In a word, our children are seeds slept deeply in soils and will burgeon in the next spring, if given adequate cultivation and fertilization. Both of they and us are lucky due to enough emphasis are already placed on the process to cultivate our next generation. By ensuring them to be properly socialized and equipped with profound knowledge, the world will be expecting a garden flourished with verdant plants and flowers with stunning beauty. [结尾也很棒！]
[总的来说条理挺清楚的，不错不错，加油！]

shengzhongbellUID: 199083

No.1  Issue130 同主题写作欢迎狂踩，必定回拍！
------摘要------
作者：anthrax 共用时间：45分45秒 469 wordsfirst version 535revised version
从2005年2月19日11时27分到2005年2月19日12时45分
------题目------
How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

提纲：观点：社会化虽重要，其他因素也不可忽视。教育是成功的。观点因该是一个中心思想，所以越简单越好，你的好象不明确
1 儿童的社会化关系到其人格形成及成人时是否能贡献社会
2 知识和能力也童谣重要
3 各种手段都用于培养儿童并行之有效。
------正文------
In a society evolving to a much more interdependent and complicated issue, more import is stressed on the socialization of its offspring, that is, to promote our children better communicate with others and to facilitate them suit in to the society. The more success achieved in progress, the more likely our world will enjoy a desirable tomorrow. However, the statement above also exaggerates the role of socializing children and too pessimistically assets failure in our attempt to educate the youth. Hence, I partially assent to the author's convention and specific reasons are listed as follow.（开头不错，无话可说）

In the first place, the sense of socialization in early childhood has decisive significance in one's adulthood afterwards, which as well exerts considerable impact on his / her contribution to society. Consider, for instance, a child grows up in an atmosphere suffocates with hatred, violence, distrust, deceiving. Those depressing surrounding can inevitably hinder him / her from developing proper communication with others and impregnate his/ her personality with desperation, complaint, even anti-society feelings. How can we expect such a victim with deficient socialized character contribute to our world in the adulthood? The counterculture, which dominated 1960s and 1970s, can serves aptly an examples as young people decried the conventional values of society and lead to chaos as well as delusion that prevails afterwards.（结尾再加一句总结性的话）

Yet, with advanced socialization alone our world （这里想向你请教，with advanced socialization alone our world为什么可以做主语） cannot proceed to a better tomorrow.（首句好象与本段中心无关，后面没有论证为什么先进的社会不能带来美好的明天） As for a company, when a good sense of socialization facilitates all employees with cooperation and democratic management in a company, proficient skills and professional knowledge are indispensable for the corporation to function and thrive. So is a society. As a world advancing with hectic pace and astonishing development everyday, more qualified professionals are demanded in all occupations. There lies the ultimate goal of education: to equip youth with profound knowledge and cultivate their interest towards learning, in the meanwhile to indoctrinate them with proper social skills and a sense of belonging to the society. Together these two driving forces will jointly usher in prosperity and advancement in the future.（本段直到最后2句才点明TP不托，没有论据或例子补充支撑教育的重要性）

In the second place,（建议用Finally,好象已经不是第二个TP了） when it comes to the capability to raise children who can bring about a desirable future, one needs go no further to see a deluge of empirical evidence demonstrating numerous effort exhausted to achieve this aim. With delicately designed curriculum and a myriad of devoted educators, schools are running with their uppermost effort to arm young pupils with knowledge and social capacities. Parents set up examples for their sons and daughters to follow, communities offer opportunities for children to engage in social event, from which they can benefit to develop certain communication techniques. Effective as those methods, several nations, Japan for example, are enjoying unprecedented development in economy, scientific research, as well ascendancy in international power. According to that Japanese pay more attention to their descendant’s education. 最后直接就说JAPAN的成功有点唐突，要提前过度或是最后补充分析一下

In a word, our children are seeds slept deeply in soils and will burgeon in the next spring, if given adequate cultivation and fertilization .Both of they and us are lucky due to enough emphasis are already placed on the process to cultivate our next generation. By ensuring them to be properly socialized and equipped with profound knowledge, the world will be expecting a garden flourished with verdant plants and flowers with stunning beauty.
不错，进步不小，语言和词汇是6分水平了，就是在思路和逻辑上还需努力。


下面是我的130感觉要逊色多了，呵呵
Issue130  第19篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：45分1秒     555 words
从2005年2月20日0时33分到2005年2月20日1时45分
------题目------
How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
------正文------
There is no denying that children are more and more socialized at a young age nowadays. And they indeed will control the society's destiny and future. Wouldn't we have the ability to raise children who can help bring a better society? The speaker seems diffident to the younger generation. However, I have my reservation to this problem. I believe that we can teach and lead children to a correct way.

To begin with, the future belongs to those young persons. They determine and steel the destiny of society in the future. Thus we have obligation and responsibility to help them to create correct world view and outlook of life. As a child, he or she knows nothing about the society. They can just learn the knowledge and rules of society through elders. In school, teachers should help them to realize that they are the part of the society and tell them polite and virtuous society conduct and behavior. At home, parents are the best teachers to impart the child how to do and what to do as a citizen of society. Therefore adult should tell everything which is benefit to the society, no matter whether the child has relevant with us or not. Similarly, we were also told to do those virtuous and kind things when we were children. The society, to some extent, had been designed in unconscious by predecessors. Thus we certainly have opportunity to raise our children in a straight way leading to a better society.

In the second place, education is an effective approach to help our children generate obligation to the society. A better society need people who have strong obligation and care to their home and environment. Whether the next generation has the responsibility and obligation greatly determines the future of the society. If everybody pays little attention to the events which happen near them, the society can not see the hope and light. Children can be educated everywhere and all the time. Every story can be a good fable to the child. My mother always told me that it is very important to be an honest boy. And my father told me how to get along with my little friends.  From those little things and stories, I learned to respect elders and how to get along with their peers. Even today I still remember the advice and request from my parents. So the education plays a significant role in raising children who will be the master of the society.

Finally, if we want to our children well lead and steel the society to a better condition. We must and have to do a good model to them. Children always imitate the same things and decision as their parents even they do not like to confess. It is usually to see that those successful people can educate and teach their offspring in an effective track. Then their children can be also excellent and outstanding in their fields when they grow up. By the same token, children have learned their parents' approaches and methods to deal the affair. Thus if we want to our descendants to steel and build the society, we should do our best to prove that we have the ability to create a better society.

In sum, we have the opportunity and obligation to raise our children in correct ways which lead them to build a better society. Meanwhile, through education and being well example, we should have the confident about the next generation.

anthraxUID: 176473

啊，钟声你整天打击我，你看我的字数永远都是4xx，你就写得那么多……分明想我惭愧而死啊，先抄下来，然后回拍！

anthraxUID: 176473

将修改的直接放这里了。

There is no denying that children are more and more socialized at a young age (句子不太通顺哦，at younger stage? In childhood?)nowadays. And they indeed will control(用control显得生硬，不如用contribute much to) the society's destiny and future. Wouldn't we have the ability to raise children who can help bring a better society? The speaker seems diffident to the(education of) younger generation. However, I have my reservation to this problem. I believe that we can teach and lead children to(in) a correct way.(补充一点点题的东西吧：to a better future.)

To begin with, the future belongs to those young persons. They determine and steel(巩固加强？这个词用的生动，可是好像有点不太合适……) the destiny of society in the future. Thus we have obligation and responsibility to help them to create correct world view (worldview ) and outlook of life. As a child, he or she knows nothing about the society. (用be ignorant of来表示一无所知的状态吧。放点好词)They can just learn the knowledge and rules of society through elders. In school, teachers should help them to realize that they are the part of the society and tell them polite and virtuous society conduct and behavior. (and help them behave in a polite and virtuous manner)At home, parents are the best teachers to impart(恩。好词，学习学习) the child how to do and what to do as a citizen of society. Therefore adult should tell everything which is benefit to(beneficial，粗心阿用错词性了) the society, no matter whether the child has relevant with us or not. Similarly, we were also told to do those virtuous and kind things when we were children. The society, to some extent, had been designed in unconscious by predecessors. Thus we certainly have opportunity to raise our children in a straight way leading to a better society. (感觉为了论证花了挺多的功夫，可是感觉不是很有力。是不是觉得有点无话可说？如果我猜错了就算了，如果我猜对了你就试试多放些排比的句子或者一长串问句，有气势啊！)

In the second place, education is an effective approach to help our children generate obligation to the society.(感觉你是要反对第二个命题，可是好像ts说得有点偏了，一定要狠狠地打击题目的论点，比如说：through effective education, we succeed in helping our children generate a better society) A better society need people who have strong obligation and care to their home and environment. Whether the next generation has the responsibility and obligation greatly determines the future of the society. If everybody pays little attention to the events which happen near (around) them, the society can not see the hope and light.(be  bogged down in a mood of desperation without an ounce of hope啊，其实小齐的句子还是有用的，他怎么就不叫issue呢，可惜了。) Children can be educated everywhere and all the time. Every story can be a good fable to the child. My mother always told me that it is very important to be an honest boy. And my father told me how to get along with my little friends. From those little things and stories, I learned to respect elders and how to get along with their peers. Even today I still remember the advice and request from my parents. So the education plays a significant role in raising children who will be the master of the society. (用了个人的例子很生动，可是啊，这一段还是有点跑题，论题说我们失败再不能抚育一代能改善社会的儿童，你的论点就一定要驳斥啊。最后可以把个人的例子推广开了。My family is just a typical one among millions of those homes, who endeavor to indoctrinate their children with virtue and moral goodness. Together with efforts from every corner of our society, we are raising the next generation to better master the future world.)

Finally, if we want to our children well lead and steel the society to a better condition. We must and have to do a good model to them. Children always imitate the same things and decision as their parents even they do not like to confess. It is usually to see that those successful people can educate and teach their offspring in an effective track. Then their children can be also excellent and outstanding in their fields when they grow up. By the same token, children have learned their parents' approaches and methods to deal the affair. Thus if we want to our descendants to steel and build the society, we should do our best to prove that we have the ability to create a better society. (咳，这一段恕我直言，有点和上面重复了哦，考虑以下两段合成一段，或者从另外一个角度来谈论问题。上面说了家庭，这里说学校吧。总觉得用力没用到点子上，好像bell一直在第一句纠缠，第二句是否不打算管了呢？现在才看懂原来上一段也是再说教育的重要性，可是后面讲了家庭又变成社会化了，要分清楚啊！)

In sum, we have the opportunity and obligation to raise our children in correct ways which lead them to build a better society. Meanwhile, through education and being well example, we should have the confident about the next generation.(作为限时来说，这个结尾中规中矩，不如多背点可用的结尾当模办吧？)

说实话，这篇不像你的水平，感觉太仓促了，你也不要把自己比那么狠了，这么快就写了19篇，还是多看看范文多补充一下，否则写太急了容易有反效果。A hasty endeavor towards success will ultimately backfire。