argument211,帮忙看看，下周考，一定回拍

千翼UID: 199721

Argument211
The following appeared in a memorandum to faculty from the academic vice president of Waymarsh University.
'So that we can better accomplish Waymarsh University's academic goals, we should adopt the job-opportunity (job-op) program offered at Plateau Technical College and strongly encourage all students at Waymarsh to participate in it. The success of the job-op program at Plateau is evident: over the past two years, more than 75% of the freshmen at Plateau have enrolled in the optional job-op program. Moreover, at Plateau, the grades of job-op students are consistently higher than those of other students, 90% of the job-op students receive job offers within a month after their graduation, and most former job-op students report much success in their careers.'


In this argument, the speaker points out that Waymarsh University should implement the job-opportunity (job-op) program offered at Plateau Technical College and strongly encourage all students to participate in it in order to better accomplish its academic goal. To support it, the speaker stands for that Plateau adopt this program and attract more than 75% of the freshmen. In addition, the grades of job-op students are consistently higher that those who did not take part in this program, and the students who receive job offers within a month after their graduation is up to 90%; and most former job-op students report much success in their careers. However, this argument is flawed in some critical respects.

Firstly, the speaker points out that job-op program can help students increase their grade. However, this conclusion is dubious. The speaker neglects the difference among students in grade, before they take part in job-op program. It is possible that the grade of students who participate in this program is higher than others when they enter this school. And probably, job-op students tend to study more hard than others. So comparing with different students is not representative of the function of this program. If the speaker wants to prove that job-op program can increase the grade, he or she also needs to provide the grade got before students participate in job-op program. Therefore, the speaker cannot substantiate that job-op program has effect in boosting students’ grade.

Secondly, the speaker concludes that job-op program can do good for finding job after students’ graduation. But it is less evidence. Just because job-op students receive  If the speaker intends to convince us that students taking part in this program can find a job faster than others, the time of receiving a job offer of other students should be provided. Then in comparison with it, we can ensure whether job-op program can help student to find jobs or not. therefore, this conclusion less supports.

Finally, the speaker fails to rule out other factors that probably lead most former job-op students success in their jobs. As we know, if one want to success in one's career, besides some special program, such as job-op program, he or she must be confident, work hard and carefully, study consistently as knowledge update cooperate with others and etc. The speaker mistakenly induces that the reason of leading students’ success is job-op program.

In sum, this argument leaves much to be desired. To strengthen this conclusion, the speaker needs to conduct a further study to measure the function of job-op program in students' careers. Additionally, the information about students who did not be trained by job-op program should be showed.

youifUID: 200073

1 两次point out
2 开头 陈述那么多原文, 时间够吗
3 Aditionally, the information about ----should be offered or provided.

千翼UID: 199721

时间是很紧，最后都没法检查。
字数够么？

goodgoodstudyUID: 201753

No.1 argument211,帮忙看看，下周考，一定回拍

Argument211
The following appeared in a memorandum to faculty from the academic vice president of Waymarsh University.
'So that we can better accomplish Waymarsh University's academic goals, we should adopt the job-opportunity (job-op) program offered at Plateau Technical College and strongly encourage all students at Waymarsh to participate in it. The success of the job-op program at Plateau is evident: over the past two years, more than 75% of the freshmen at Plateau have enrolled in the optional job-op program. Moreover, at Plateau, the grades of job-op students are consistently higher than those of other students, 90% of the job-op students receive job offers within a month after their graduation, and most former job-op students report much success in their careers.'


In this argument, the speaker points out that Waymarsh University should implement the job-opportunity (job-op) program offered at Plateau Technical College and strongly encourage all students to participate in it in order to better accomplish its academic goal. To support it, the speaker stands for[代表？用错了意思吧] that Plateau adopt this program and attract more than 75% of the freshmen. In addition, the grades of job-op students are consistently higher that those who did not take part in this program, and the students who receive job offers within a month after their graduation is up to 90%; and most former job-op students report much success in their careers. [and用的太多了，句式不好]However, this argument is flawed in some critical respects.[个人觉得为了凑字数也不合适在第一段就罗列那么多的信息，第一段还是就概括交待下就好，语言简洁些]

Firstly, the speaker points out that job-op program can help students increase their grade. However, this conclusion is dubious. The speaker neglects the difference among students in grade, before they take part in job-op program. It is possible that the grade of students who participate in this program is higher than others when they enter this school. And probably, job-op students tend to study more hard than others. So comparing[compated或者是comparing them] with different students is not representative of the function of this program. If the speaker wants to prove that job-op program can increase the grade, he or she also needs to provide the grade got before students participate in job-op program. Therefore, the speaker cannot substantiate that job-op program has effect in boosting students’grade.[上下文连贯不好，句子的衔接注意]

Secondly, the speaker concludes that job-op program can do good for finding job after students’ graduation. But it is less evidence[这句话啥意思？自己看看错在哪里了，there is合适吧，不过就是改there is句子也不好，考虑和下句连起来造句]. Just because job-op students receive[这里话没有说完吧]. If the speaker intends to convince us that students taking part in this program can find a job faster than others, the time of receiving a job offer of other students should be provided. Then in comparison with it[it指什么没有交待清楚], we can ensure whether job-op program can help student to find jobs or not. Therefore, this conclusion less[lacks] supports.

Finally, the speaker fails to rule out other factors that probably lead[少to] most former job-op students['] success in their jobs. As we know, if one want to success in one's career, besides some special program, such as job-op program, he or she must be confident, work hard and carefully, study consistently as knowledge update [and] cooperate with others and etc. The speaker mistakenly induces that the [only]reason of leading[of leading改为leading to] students’ success is job-op program.

In sum, this argument leaves much to be desired. To strengthen this conclusion, the speaker needs to conduct a further study to measure the function of job-op program in students' careers. Additionally, the information about students who did not be trained by job-op program should be showed[show哪方面的？？].

[其实作文很忌讳虎头蛇尾的，你看看是不是？语言上过于随意过于简单，语法错误还不少，作文毕竟不是口语，以后还要多注意]

AlierUID: 159518

个人感觉，第一段稍微有点罗嗦，而且没怎么对题目进行改写。
下面的第一点展开得比较充分，但第二、第三点感觉错误比较重复，而且展开不够。
呵呵，我限时也是这样，虎头蛇尾的，sign...。
我也才开始写，昨天写一篇超时暴多，帮我批批哈，大家一起进步！

千翼UID: 199721

好久都不练argument, 都不会写了，而且以前从来没限时过， 一点感觉都没有。
谢谢指点了，一会找你们的帖子回

LJVYUID: 204075

明天~~~~~~~
祝福~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~