Argument225 必回拍，请留链接，谢谢合作~~

godspellUID: 177241

225The following appeared as part of a letter to the editor of a local newspaper.
'During her three years in office, Governor Riedeburg has shown herself to be a worthy leader. Since she took office, crime has decreased, the number of jobs created per year has doubled, and the number of people choosing to live in our state has increased. These trends are likely to continue if she is reelected. In addition, Ms. Riedeburg has promised to take steps to keep big companies here, thereby providing jobs for any new residents. Anyone who looks at Ms. Riedeburg's record can tell that she is the best-qualified candidate for governor.'

The recommendation endorsed in this argument is that Ms. Riedeburg is the best-qualified candidate for governor. The reason cited are that during her duty, the residents of the state's has increased. Additionally, crime has decreased, the number of jobs created per year has doubled. This argument involves the sort of gross oversimplification and obvious rhetoric. For this reason, the conclusion reached in this argument is invalid and misleading.

The mere fact that crime has decreased is scant evidence that the author ignores how serious the crimes are on earth. Only with the crime's severity and its amount put together could demonstrate the city's public security. It is entirely possible that there just exists little crimes, whereas, the city has horror attacks currently. Moreover, it is equally possible that the declining rate is slower than ever. Is it always good in any condition that the job opportunities is in a increasing trend? How the jobs are created? It is quite possible, for example, that companies created job opportunities though reducing the staffs, perhaps the unemployment is mounting up. Since the number of jobs created each year has double it is unfair to attribute all the achievements to Riedeburg, for the reason that without Riedeburg, the amount of jobs created will trebled. Furthermore, there exists loopholes or ambiguities in author's argument. As an illustration, as the author infers, the more the city's residents are, the better situation is. Regarding the influence of population to the city, whether its population is overabundant, if so, then a difficult problem maybe if its number of residents keep increasing. Even if the more of its residents, the better is to the city, however, the author provides no evidence that how is the rate of increasing. Perhaps without Riedeburg, the population will get a much faster increasing rate.

The author merely concludes that it's Riedeburg who make the crime decreased. Yet the author fails to consider other probable factors may affect the crime. Consider, for example, the city's life standards meliorated in the last years, it is no need to take a risk to commit a crime. Another probability is that the predecessor has left the next Chief Executive a well-constructed system. The jobs created increased might due to local economical development or its affluent source. Furthermore, the author unfairly assumes that its increasing population attributed to Riedeburg. Lacking evidence to confirm this assumption, it is entirely possible that the state's living condition, scenery and climate are compatible for people.

The author also unfairly assumes that it is likely the trend will keep on if Riedeburg is reelected. Nevertheless, this is just a subjective conclusion of the author, how can he know the trend will continue. The author provides no evidence to substantiate this assumption. Meanwhile, the author cites Riedeburg's promise that she will introduce more big companies to settle down in the city. A simple promise cannot convince me that whether Riedeburg will actually put her words in practice, even though she doesn't break her promise, are the big companies willing to stay here? The author neglect some other related factors, such as the natural or labor resource, special treatment. Moreover, is Riedeburg the best-qualified candidate for governor for certain? The author has not been succeeded supply any potent evidence.

To sum up, though the argument seems to be plausible, in fact, it is neither sound nor persuasive. Not only does it leave out such key issues, but also cites in the analysis the evidence, which does not lend strong support to what the author claims.

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-7-17 at 23:19 ]

godspellUID: 177241

沉的好快啊~~给自己顶一下

godspellUID: 177241

等待中~~~

bcomerUID: 182621

帮你ding:)

godspellUID: 177241

Originally posted by bcomer at 2005-7-18 10:33
帮你ding:)

呵呵，谢谢了
你干脆帮我改不就行了么？:p

echostateUID: 194935

要帮别人改改，别人才会帮你改哦
还有，改作文要认真的：P，一共就写几个字，人家不会认为你认真改了。
给你个例子，我帮别人改的，其实我水平不高，但是改作文主要是态度:)
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... p;page=1#pid1628572

我刚来的时候也光等着别人改，不可能的，这里等的人太多了。

[ Last edited by echostate on 2005-7-18 at 19:00 ]

staralwaysUID: 193479

The recommendation endorsed in this argument is that Ms. Riedeburg is the best-qualified candidate for governor. The reasons cited are that during her duty, the residents of the state's has increased. Additionally, crime has decreased, the number of jobs created per year has doubled. This argument involves the sort of gross oversimplification and obvious rhetoric. [这句话总体指出文章有逻辑错误，不错。] For this reason, the conclusion reached in this argument is invalid and misleading.

The mere fact that crime has decreased is scant evidence [in] that the author ignores how serious the crimes are on earth. Only with the crime's severity and its amount put together [together with its amount] could demonstrate the city's public security. It is entirely possible that there just exists little crimes, whereas, the city has horror [terroristic] attacks currently. Moreover [表递进，不错。], it is equally possible that the declining rate is slower than ever. [这后面讲的是就业机会的问题，另起一段吧。]Is it always good in any condition that the job opportunities is in a increasing trend? How the jobs are created? It is quite possible, for example, that companies created job opportunities though reducing the staffs, perhaps the unemployment is mounting up [感觉这一句话陈述得不够清晰，较多的内容都放在一句话里了。]. Since the number of jobs created each year has double, it is unfair to attribute all the achievements to Riedeburg, for the reason that without Riedeburg, the amount of jobs created will [may] tripled. Furthermore, there exists loopholes [这个词的意思感觉不恰当。] or ambiguities in [the] author's argument. As an illustration, as the author infers, the more the city's residents are, the better situation [什么situation？] is. Regarding the influence of population to the city, whether its population is overabundant, if so, then a difficult problem maybe if its number of residents keep increasing. Even if the more of its residents, the better is to the city, however, the author provides no evidence that how is the rate of increasing. Perhaps without Riedeburg, the population will get a much faster increasing rate. [感觉这段后面关于人数的论述很不清晰，没有一个很明确的观点，和“就业机会”的问题也没有有机地结合起来。]

[这段的内容是不是应该接在上面那个突然结束的地方？]The author merely concludes that it's Riedeburg who makes the crime decreased. Yet the author fails to consider other probable factors [which] may affect the crime [rate]. Consider, for example, the city's life standards meliorated in the last year, it is no need to take a risk to commit a crime. Another probability is that the predecessor has left the next Chief Executive a well-constructed system. The jobs created increased might due to local economical development or its affluent source. Furthermore, the author unfairly assumes that its increasing population attributed to Riedeburg. [这里又讲到了人口和就业机会的问题。一段正文攻击一个逻辑错误，不然感觉文章整体很混乱。] Lacking evidence to confirm this assumption, it is entirely possible that the state's living condition, scenery and climate are compatible for people.

The author also unfairly assumes that it is likely the trend will keep on if Riedeburg is reelected. Nevertheless, this is just a subjective conclusion of the author, how can he know the trend will continue. The author provides no evidence to substantiate this assumption. [这里是不是举个例子，展开攻击呢？] Meanwhile, the author cites Riedeburg's promise that she will introduce more big companies to settle down in the city. A simple promise cannot convince me that whether Riedeburg will actually put her words in practice. Even though she doesn't break her promise, are the big companies willing to stay here? The author neglects some other related factors, such as the natural or labor resource, special treatment. Moreover, is Riedeburg the best-qualified candidate for governor for certain? The author has not been succeeded supply any potent evidence.

To sum up, though the argument seems to be plausible, in fact, it is neither sound nor persuasive. Not only does it leave out such key issues, but also cites in the analysis the evidence, which does not lend strong support to what the author claims. [结尾这样写的作用不大。]

这篇文章总体的感觉是很混乱；一段里面经常陈述几个问题，这样显得攻击的重点不突出。另外，对于逻辑错误的展开、深入攻击也还有所欠缺。

godspellUID: 177241

谢谢楼上几位的意见，我会再修改的~~

sharon84UID: 2110816

The recommendation endorsed in this argument is that Ms. Riedeburg is the best-qualified candidate for governor. The reason [reasons] cited are that during her duty, the residents of the state's has increased. Additionally, crime has decreased, the number of jobs created per year has doubled. This argument involves the sort of gross oversimplification and obvious rhetoric [rhetoric这个词用不知道保不保险阿，感觉似乎有点个人感情色彩了:p]. For this reason, the conclusion reached in this argument is invalid and misleading.
[开头可以不用这么长的，呵呵，当然时间允许的话，多写些也好]

The mere fact that crime has decreased is scant evidence [in] that the author ignores how serious the crimes are on earth. Only with the crime's severity and its amount put [putting] together could demonstrate the city's public security[感觉这句表述得还不到位，而且我觉得这里应该指出，关注的是犯罪率而不是犯罪总数吧？：）]. It is entirely possible that there just exists little crimes, whereas, the city has horror attacks [terroristic attack] currently. Moreover, it is equally possible that the declining [decline] rate is slower than ever [before]. [In addition,下面谈到的是另一个驳斥点了哦] Is it always good in any condition that the job opportunities is in a increasing trend? How the jobs are created? It is quite possible, for example, that companies created job opportunities though reducing the staffs, perhaps the unemployment is mounting up. Since the number of jobs created each year has double it is unfair to attribute all the achievements to Riedeburg, for the reason that without Riedeburg, the amount of jobs created will  trebled[may be, perhaps trebled 这里用will太肯定了吧，实际上只是在推测哦]. Furthermore, there exists [exist] loopholes or ambiguities in author's argument. As an illustration, as the author infers, the more the city's residents are, the better situation is. Regarding the influence of population to the city, whether its population is overabundant, if so, then a difficult problem maybe if its number of residents keep increasing.[这句没读懂:L 改改吧，有语法问题] Even if the more of its residents, the better is to the city, however, the author provides no evidence that how is the rate of increasing[does not provide the specific increase rate]. Perhaps without Riedeburg, the population will get a much faster increasing rate [will increase at a higher increase rate].

The author merely concludes that it's Riedeburg who make the crime decreased. Yet the author fails to consider other probable factors [which] may affect the crime. Consider, for example, the city's life standards meliorated in the last years, it is no need to take a risk to commit a crime [it will be less likely for resident to take the risk of committing crime]. Another probability is that the predecessor has left the next Chief Executive a well-constructed system. The jobs created increased [The increase of new jobs] might [be] due to local economical development or its affluent source. Furthermore, the author unfairly assumes that its increasing population attributed to Riedeburg. Lacking evidence to confirm this assumption, it is entirely possible that the state's living condition, scenery and climate are compatible for people.[感觉这句没表达好噢，他因导致可以这样说without ruling out other possible factors such as.. .. contributing to ...., the aruger can not reach the conclusion convincingly]

The author also unfairly assumes that it is likely the trend will keep on if Riedeburg is reelected. Nevertheless, this is just a subjective conclusion of the author, how can he know the trend will continue. The author provides no evidence to substantiate this assumption. Meanwhile, the author cites Riedeburg's promise that she will introduce more big companies to settle down in the city. A simple promise cannot convince me that whether Riedeburg will actually put her words in practice, even though she doesn't break her promise, are the big companies willing to stay here? The author neglect some other related factors, such as the natural or labor resource,[前面的or放在这里合适] special treatment. Moreover, is Riedeburg the best-qualified candidate for governor for certain? The author has not been succeeded [in] supply any potent evidence.

To sum up, though the argument seems to be plausible, in fact, it is neither sound nor persuasive. Not only does it leave out such key issues, but also cites[cite] in the analysis the evidence, which does not lend strong support to what the author claims.

中间部分的段落每段只写一个驳斥点，不要把多个混在一起写，否则会看起来很不清晰
另外，多用一些连接词 firstly, secondly, lastly..... and so on，尤其是中间段落的开头
还有语法错误也得注意哦:p

加油：）

godspellUID: 177241

谢谢shron84：）

sharon84UID: 2110816

sharon， not shron：）