Issue207 0510G同主题写作第六期－－new angle

翦瞳UID: 184872

549字，未限时
【题目】：
Issue207 ：
Rituals and ceremonies help define a culture. Without them, societies or groups of people have a diminished sense of who they are.
提纲：
同意观点
1 up 第一句
2 如果没有 rituals and ceremonies，会带来失落
3 现实中的确存在diminish
一些rituals and ceremenies 代表文化，应予以保留

Fundamentally, I tend to say that I agree with the above statement. Undoubtedly, culture does need rituals and ceremonies to define itself. The common rituals and ceremonies can make people of its group feel comfortable and friendly with each other and render them to regard they are the same people, especially when confronted with other groups. Almost everyone needs to be belonged to some group and accepted unconditionally by them within the same group.

Take customs in China for example which I am familiar with. The traditional rituals such as Spring Festival, dragon boat festival and Middle Autumn, which are the most important ones in China and nearly every district where Chinese people live in, help the Chinese involved feel good and excite. They eat dumplings, zong zi or moon cakes, sacrifice ancestors, greet each others and relationships, and distribute penny to descendants. They know that there are other thousands of millions of ethnic group member congratulate the uniform rituals with them, and they are not alone. We can not deny rituals and ceremonies are effective and necessary constitutes of culture, in other words, they are the representation of a culture. So they all do help form a culture. The dragon boat festival was derived from memorization Qu Yuan, a patriot poet.

If we lack of the same rituals and ceremonies, we could hardly perceive the links among numerous Chinese people, even the emigrants all over the world. The connection of uniform culture is too few to detect. In Chinese common sense, if there is no dumpling, the ritual is not complete. It is a traditional ritual to light firecrackers in Spring Festival. Some years ago, certain governments forbade any firecracker in the urban district for safe, but the citizens could not bear a quiet Spring Festival. Now almost every city permits lighting firecrackers and the citizens enjoy the entertainment and orientation again. The shared rituals give them cognition of their culture. Without them, the group may have a spiritual dislocation.

In the real word, some rituals and ceremonies have been neglected in some groups. In large cities such as Peking and Shanghai, the young less and less understand the real purpose of Dragon Boat Festival. The only memory is to eat Zongzi, the special food of Dragon Boat Festival. The traditional marital ceremonies in China are almost disappeared, resulting from many reasons. On the one hand, the modern culture has been accepted by various classes of people. On the other hand, the more rash pace of society propel their member not to take the complex rituals and regard as simple and modern rituals as the more adaptable choice.

If we lack of the uniform rituals and ceremonies, we could hardly perceive the links among numerous Chinese people, even the emigrants all over the world. The share of uniform culture is too few to detect. If there is no dumpling, the ritual is not complete. Another illustration is that the Korea applies to the United Nations Educational, Scientific, and Cultural organization (UNESCO) for the cultural heritage of Dragon Boat Festival. The behavior confused the Chinese. Because they invent the ritual and celebrate it for thousands of years while it forms a part of Chinese culture. If this festival would not belong to them, they will feel despaired and uncomfortable.

斜阳阡陌UID: 2108350

Fundamentally, I tend to say that I agree with the above statement. Undoubtedly, culture does need rituals and ceremonies to define itself. The common rituals and ceremonies can make people of its group在同一group里更好些：who belong to the same group feel comfortable and friendly with each other and render them to regard they are the same peoplethe same people 改成homogeneous, especially when confronted with other groups. Almost everyone needs to be belonged to some group and accepted unconditionally by them within the same group你这个地方是要强调归属感么，可是好像太累赘，而且这里group用的太多.

Take customs in China for example, which I am familiar with. The traditional rituals such as Spring Festival, dragon boat festival and Middle Autumn Mid-Autumn Day, which are the most important ones in China and nearly every district where Chinese people live in, help the Chinese involved feel good and exciteexcited. They eat dumplings, zong zi or moon cakes, sacrifice ancestors, greet each others and relationships, and distribute penny to descendants这个地方最好组织一下改成复杂句，如 do···for···，或者是so that句型. They know that there are other thousands of millions of ethnic group member congratulate the uniform rituals with them, and they are not alone. We cannot deny rituals and ceremonies are effective and necessary constitutes of culture, in other words, they are the representation of a culture. So they all do help form a culture这个地方逻辑有问题：既然是代表，怎么又有助于形成传统呢？. The dragon boat festival was derived from memorization Qu Yuan, a patriot poet这里不展开的话最好不写.

If we lack oflack可以做及物动词，去掉of读起来顺一些the same rituals and ceremonies, we could hardly perceive the links among numerous Chinese people, even the emigrants all over the world. The connection of uniform culture is too few to detect. In Chinese common sense, if there is no dumpling, the ritual is not complete.例子和例子之间最好衔接 It is a traditional ritual to light firecrackers in Spring Festival. Some years ago, certain governments forbade any firecracker in the urban district for safe, but the citizens could not bear a quiet Spring Festival. Now almost every city permits lighting firecrackers and the citizens enjoy the entertainment and orientation again. The shared rituals give them cognition of their culture. Without them, the group may have a spiritual dislocation.整段感觉没有一气呵成，有点散，还是那句话，多写复杂句，多用从句

In the real word, some rituals and ceremonies have been neglected in some groups. In large cities such as Peking and Shanghai, the youngadults? less and less understandChinglish啦 the real purpose of Dragon Boat Festival. The only memory is to eat Zongzi, the special food of Dragon Boat Festival. The traditional marital ceremonies in China are almost disappeared, resulting from many reasons. On the one hand, the modern culture has been accepted by various classes of people. On the other hand, the more rash pace of society propel their member not to take the complex rituals and regard as simple and modern rituals as the more adaptable choice用简单的、现代的仪式取代老的：instead of比较好，这样不累赘.

If we lack of the uniform rituals and ceremonies, we could hardly perceive the links among numerous Chinese people, even the emigrants all over the world. The share of uniform culture is too few to detect. If there is no dumpling, the ritual is not complete. Another illustration is that the Korea applies to the United Nations Educational, Scientific, and Cultural organization (UNESCO) for the cultural heritage of Dragon Boat Festival. The behavior confused the Chinese. Because they invent the ritual and celebrate it for thousands of years while it forms a part of Chinese culture. If this festival would not belong to them, they will feel despaired and uncomfortable结尾和第三段相似，既然是结尾，就应该言简意赅，所以用in summary、或者是in conclusion 比较好，然后总结你的观点即可.

最后要说的是：在issue里单纯的赞成很难拿到相对高分的，在文章里最好还是加上小部分的反对，比如：仪式和典礼并不是定义传统的唯一标准，还有语言、习惯等——因为本题的着重点在礼节和典礼对传统的影响上，而你主要阐述的是同种的人有同样的风俗传统，无疑把论题扩大了，还是看看斑斑的开篇帖，对你还是很有帮助的。还有，老外的280篇这一篇写的尤其好，可以参考，对打开思路有帮助

[ Last edited by 斜阳阡陌 on 2005-7-21 at 00:29 ]

chenda8201UID: 171368

一直想找机会看看 翦瞳 的习作的，同是H组的人（即8.2考试），真是不好意思～
无奈，最近我生活住处等麻烦事（总是停电停水的；这么热的天气）搞得我不得安宁～
而我最近处于限时批量生产阶段，想数量上先稳定住（即全部限时写）；
质量上太烂了，还没自己给自己改呢～
昨晚 限时连续写了issue207和一个argument
写完时，正要copy到word里面，突然断电。。。一切都ove了。。。:@

先保存下来，晚点给看法^_^

zjcq2002UID: 2113577

Fundamentally, I tend to say that I agree with the above statement. Undoubtedly, culture does need rituals and ceremonies to define itself. The common rituals and ceremonies can make people of its group feel comfortable and friendly with each other and render them to regard they are the same people[people 可以去掉], especially when confronted with[及物是面对，不及物是反抗的意思] other groups. Almost everyone needs to be belonged [不要被动] to some group and accepted unconditionally by them [指代不明，如果是group 的话，应该是单数] within the same group.

Take customs in China for example[,] which I am familiar with. The traditional rituals such as Spring Festival, dragon boat festival and Middle Autumn [mid-autumn festival], which are the most important ones in China and nearly every district where Chinese people live in, help the Chinese involved feel good and excite.[这句的后半段有点不对，不是district 来help Chinese feel good and excite] They eat dumplings, zong zi or moon cakes, sacrifice[牺牲？commemorate] ancestors, greet each others and relationships, and distribute penny to descendants. They know that there are other thousands of millions of ethnic group [如果是其他种族，复数；不过大大是想说同胞吧？请突出同一人种] member congratulate the uniform rituals with them, and they are not alone. We can not deny rituals and ceremonies are effective and necessary constitutes of culture, in other words, they are the representation of a culture. So they all do help form a culture. The dragon boat festival was derived from memorization Qu Yuan, a patriot poet.[这句话来得很突兀，也不像是一段的结束]

If we lack of the same rituals and ceremonies, we could hardly perceive the links among numerous Chinese people, even [especially比较好] the emigrants all over the world. The connection of uniform culture is too few to detect. In Chinese common sense, if there is no dumpling, the ritual is not complete. It is a traditional ritual to light firecrackers in Spring Festival. Some years ago, certain governments forbade any firecracker in the urban district for safe, but the citizens could not bear a quiet Spring Festival. Now almost every city permits lighting firecrackers and the citizens enjoy the entertainment and orientation[？] again. The shared rituals give them cognition of their culture. Without them, the group may have a spiritual dislocation.[这一段论证的不严密，人们喜欢爆竹，所以禁止法令被取消，仅仅could not bear a quiet Spring Festival和cognition of their culture关系不密切，也体现不出没有爆竹时的 spiritual dislocation。]

In the real word, some rituals and ceremonies have been neglected in some groups. In large cities such as Peking[北京的旧称，还是Beijing好点] and Shanghai, the young less and less understand the real purpose of Dragon Boat Festival. The[Their] only memory is to eat Zongzi, the special food of Dragon Boat Festival. The traditional marital ceremonies in China are almost disappeared, resulting from many reasons. On the one hand, the modern culture has been accepted by various classes of people. On the other hand, the more rash pace of society propel their member[them] not to take the complex rituals and regard as [把...认作？] simple and modern rituals as the more adaptable choice.[这句的后半句和前面有重复]
[提纲中的一些rituals and ceremonies 代表文化，应予以保留，好像没在这段中体现出来]

If we lack of the uniform rituals and ceremonies, we could hardly perceive the links among numerous Chinese people, even the emigrants all over the world. The share of uniform culture is too few to detect. If there is no dumpling, the ritual is not complete. Another illustration is that the Korea applies to the United Nations Educational, Scientific, and Cultural organization (UNESCO) for the cultural heritage of Dragon Boat Festival. The behavior confused the Chinese. Because they invent the ritual and celebrate it for thousands of years while it forms a part of Chinese culture. If this festival would not belong to them, they will feel despaired and uncomfortable.[最后一段作总结和陈述就好，最好不要另起例子，而且这个例子感觉和题目无关]

一家之言，请勿见怪

chenda8201UID: 171368

我主要看行文的逻辑结构及思路等，至于语言语法那些我自己都头大了。。。:L

549字，未限时
【题目】：
Issue207 ：
Rituals and ceremonies help define a culture. Without them, societies or groups of people have a diminished sense of who they are.
提纲：
同意观点
1 up 第一句
2 如果没有 rituals and ceremonies，会带来失落
3 现实中的确存在diminish
一些rituals and ceremenies 代表文化，应予以保留

Fundamentally, I tend to say that I agree with the above statement. Undoubtedly, culture does need rituals and ceremonies to define itself. [这句话念起来很拗口的感觉～itself用得不对吧] The common rituals and ceremonies can make people of its group feel comfortable and friendly with each other and render them to regard they are the same people, especially when confronted with other groups. Almost everyone needs to be belonged to some group and accepted unconditionally by them within the same group. [这最后一句话也意思很含糊，似乎有点明白作者想表达什么，可说得很奇怪～]
[开头算是较长的，但是表达意思的句子有些奇怪～]

Take customs in China for example which I am familiar with. The traditional rituals such as Spring Festival, dragon boat festival and Middle Autumn, which are the most important ones in China and nearly every district where Chinese people live in, help the Chinese involved feel good and excite. They eat dumplings, zong zi [粽子似乎可以写成glutinous rice dumpling] or moon cakes, sacrifice ancestors, greet each others and relationships, and distribute penny to descendants. They know that there are other thousands of millions of ethnic group member [members] congratulate the uniform rituals with them, and they are not alone. We can not deny rituals and ceremonies are effective and necessary constitutes of culture, in other words, they are the representation of a culture. So they all do help form a culture. The dragon boat festival was derived from memorization Qu Yuan, a patriot poet.
[首先，那些节日不是rituals or ceremonies，节日的活动才是；这个在上段的表达上需要处理一下吧；然后论证上的说理还不错，可是最后突然的来那么一句话介绍dragon boat festival 的，然后就嘎然而之，这很是奇怪，为何要突然写这么一句而不论证题目观点呢？若是要当作例子来论述，那么应该接着写下去，举例是为了论证作者的观点。特别的，这篇习作没有限时，就更不应该在这里这么冒一句就停了。。。]

If we lack of the same rituals and ceremonies, we could hardly perceive the links among numerous Chinese people, even the emigrants all over the world. The connection of uniform culture is too few to detect. In Chinese common sense, if there is no dumpling, the ritual is not complete. [呵呵～插一句，这只是对于北方人来说吧；南方的很少吃dumpling吧；至少也不能算是一种rituals or ceremonies～不过写给老外看的作文中这样写那没什么啊～呵呵，开个玩笑了^_^] It is a traditional ritual to light firecrackers in Spring Festival. Some years ago, certain governments forbade any firecracker in the urban district for safe, but the citizens could not bear a quiet Spring Festival. Now almost every city permits lighting firecrackers [再插一句，这个。。。要不就写出用放鞭炮的电子声音代替，从而达到原先的效果，这样rituals or ceremonies 也more or less be persevered] and the citizens enjoy the entertainment and orientation again. The shared rituals give them cognition of their culture. Without them, the group may have a spiritual dislocation. [最后一句写得不错啊～]
[总的来说，这段的论证写得很不错～不过例子嘛～呵呵，实在不行，骗骗老外还是可以吧；要是能有些老外较熟的例子并且不要出错那更好咯～]

In the real word, some rituals and ceremonies have been neglected in some groups. In large cities such as Peking and Shanghai, the young less and less understand the real purpose of Dragon Boat Festival. The only memory is to eat Zongzi, the special food of Dragon Boat Festival. The traditional marital ceremonies in China are almost disappeared, resulting from many reasons. On the one hand, the modern culture has been accepted by various classes of people. On the other hand, the more rash pace of society propel their member not to take the complex rituals and regard as simple and modern rituals as the more adaptable choice. [题目有说rituals or ceremonies 就一定是tradition 的吗？你用了tradition 的来论证，然后突然来个modern rituals 来作为对立面，这显然就跟题目不符了。。。；还有，这个modern culture 是什么？这里更本不提，于题目中的culture是什么关系？照这样看来，作者又把题目的culture 理解为traditional culture了；这又偏离了吧～；不过话又说回来，题目只是说a culture，也没有定义什么culture，那么既然作者想这样论证的话，那是否可以在开始先自己限定题目的a culture 是traditional culture，然后这后面这么说就不至于跑题的感觉，可否呢？我也不敢下定论～]

If we lack of the uniform rituals and ceremonies, we could hardly perceive the links among numerous Chinese people, even the emigrants all over the world. [在没有限时的情况下居然还把上面第三段的首句重抄了一遍到这里，不应该啊。。。] The share of uniform culture is too few to detect. If there is no dumpling, the ritual is not complete. Another illustration is that the Korea applies to the United Nations Educational, Scientific, and Cultural organization (UNESCO) for the cultural heritage of Dragon Boat Festival. The behavior confused the Chinese. Because they invent the ritual and celebrate it for thousands of years while it forms a part of Chinese culture. If this festival would not belong to them, they will feel despaired and uncomfortable. [despaired and uncomfortable 就会 have a diminished sense of who they are，这显然就避开这个问题了，或者说跑题了，不是吗？不过，其实这里只要改写一下用词，或是加多些话来回归主题，那就又把论证给说到论点上了。。。]

[总的来说，整篇的语言不错（值得我学习啊～我写出来的话就是那么单调。。。然后还语法问题。。。）；然后呢，结构上也是清晰的；
而问题也有不少啊——
开头和结尾较长，而中间的body显得有些单薄了。。。
然后中间的论证所有例子都是中国的，这也可以吧，但是例子是为论证的内容服务的，要的是用例子来帮助论述，而不是简单摆出例子，然后就接着下一段啊～；这样论证就难以深入，变成是例子归例子，讲理的归讲理～；两者要结合才好，然后不忘点点题～^_^
好像还想说什么的，可刚才被打断就忘了。。。
再一个就是建议你赶紧限时吧～；并且尽可能在限时开始时才构思题目的提纲，那样感觉估计于不计时的写不太一样咯～

觉得你语言还是不错的（这点我可真要向你好好学习了～）；然后注意一下整体构思，整个行文的逻辑性，注意题目的关键词，紧扣主题来论证～^_^]

翦瞳UID: 184872

呵呵，大家的评价让我好惭愧，当时心情有些差，自己没有改好。
zjcq2002 ， chenda8201 ，斜阳阡陌
多谢了！
我这一篇写的很散，大家都指出了论证的例子和论点的关系不紧凑，以后注意