Argument76 第一次写 请多指教

azleaUID: 192456

第一次写argument，没有限时，还请多多指教:)

------题目------
The following appeared as part of an article in a health and beauty magazine.
'A group of volunteers participated in a study of consumer responses to the new Luxess face cream. Every morning for a month, they washed their faces with mild soap and then applied Luxess. At the end of that month, most volunteers reported a marked improvement in the way their skin looked and felt. Thus it appears that Luxess is truly effective in improving the condition of facial skin.'

------正文------
In this argument, the arguer claims that the Luxess face cream is effective in improving the condition of facial skin. The argument is based on a study in which some critical flaws exist thus leads to groundless conclusion.

First of all, the arguer provides no evidence that the study's respondents are representative of the overall group of individuals who will probably use the production. Perhaps most of the volunteers who participated in the study were young ladies who care more about their skin conditions than common people. If so, we cannot overlook the possibility that the Luxess face cream only makes great improvement of the skin condition to this group of people. As to other groups, however, the cream may not have such significant effect, if any. Without making sure that the volunteers are representative of the whole, the arguer cannot reasonably rely on the result of the study to support the claim that the cream has true effectivity in improving the condition of facial skin.

The cited study might be unreliable in other aspects as well. From the study, we are informed that the volunteers wash their faces with mild soap and then applied Luxess every morning in that month. But the arguer does not mention whether the mild soap makes any contribution to the improvement. Moreover, the arguer does not rule out the scenario that the volunteers' psychological implication plays a significant role in the study. The ignorance of other possible factors that may influence the improvement of the skin condition actually undermines the arguer’s conclusion that the effect is owing to the application of the cream.

In addition, the result of the study also calls the claim into question. That is to say, the arguer offers incomplete data. Most volunteers, as the arguer wants us to concentrate on, reported the cream remarkably effective. But how about the other volunteers? They are not mentioned in the argument, which is not to say that we can ignore them. Regarding that some individuals might be suffering from the negative effect Luxess brought or even serious disease, the arguer cannot only mention the positive responds of the volunteers to lead us to the conclusion unfairly.

All in all, to make the conclusion more convincing, the arguer should develop the study more scientifically by reconsidering the representativeness of the sample, adding some comparing experiments to exclude other factors and making sure if the negative effect exists. Some other points I did not mention above should also take into account, such as the absence of providing the quantity of the sample, etc.

[ Last edited by azlea on 2005-7-22 at 17:57 ]

azleaUID: 192456

先说说我自己的意见：由于没有限时，字数应该是够了，但到了第二第三个正文段，还是觉得没什么话说。用词比较简单，这是我一直克服不了的问题:(。另外，不知道正文第三段的论点是不是有点牵强。另外，借鉴了一些模板的结构，不知道痕迹是不是很明显？

求回拍！

lignumvitaeUID: 207532

In this argument, the arguer claims that the Luxess face cream is effective in improving the condition of facial skin. The argument is based on a study in which some critical flaws exist thus leads to groundless conclusion.

First of all, the arguer provides no evidence that the study's respondents are representative of the overall group of individuals who will probably use the production. Perhaps most of the volunteers who participated in the study were young ladies who care more about their skin conditions than the average person common people是想说一般人吧. And we cannot overlook the possibility that the Luxess face cream makes the greatest用great就好了 improvement of the skin condition to this group of people. As to the other groupsgroup, however, the production may not have such significant effect, if any.前面这几句最好再思考一下，把路子理清楚 Without making sure that the volunteers are representative of the whole, the arguer cannot reasonably rely on the result of the study to support the claim that the cream has true effectivity in improving the condition of facial skin. At least, the arguer should point out that to which group the cream was applied in the study and focus the potential customers on this group.后半句没读懂:confused:

The cited study might be unreliable in other aspects as well. From the study, we are informed that the volunteers wash their faces with mild soap and then applied Luxess every morning in that month. But the auger does not mention whether the mild soap makes any contribution to the improvement. Moreover, the arguer does not rule out the possibility that the volunteers' psychological implication plays a significant role in the study. In order to make the study more convincing, the arguer should do some comparing experiments to exclude other factors that may also lead to the effect offrom the application of the cream.

In addition, the result of the study also calls the claim into question. That is to say, the arguer offers incomplete data. Most volunteers, as the arguer wants us to concentrate on, report the cream remarkably effective. But how about the other volunteers? They are not mentioned in the argument, which is not to say that we can ignore them. Regarding that some individuals might be suffering from the negative effect Luxess brought or even serious disease, the arguer cannot only mention the positive respondents of the volunteers.

In all All in all, to make the conclusion more convincing, the arguer should develop the study more scientifically by reconsidering the representativeness of the sample, adding some comparing experiments and making sure if the negative effect exists. Some other points I did not mention above should also take into account, such as the absence of providing the quantity of the sample, etc.
几个重要的错误都说了，模版方面我比你严重多了，呵呵
我是觉得论证的条理还要加强些，有的意思反复说了多次了，还有对文中的错误的修改建议论证段说了，结尾又说了，我个人觉得在结尾提一点就好了，body段主要还是放在说它怎么错

azleaUID: 192456

嗬嗬，我已经作了一些修改^_^
还请大家赐教呀！

aimei2005UID: 2119194

我看了你的文章,比较我的文章.确实你的文章更象些,说理透彻.谢谢你拍我的文章.我有空把自己的文章再改一下.