【TWE第一组】avex & ggq 第五期，4号更新见一楼

geacyUID: 2132185

Recently, (what is) extremely popular is the debate about the announcement about building a sizable factory near our community. Undoubtedly, there are both positive and negative effects. After the close scrutiny about this issue, for my part it is advisable to adopt this plan. The argument for my view goes as follows.

As a threshold matter, the most visible advantage of establishing a new factory is that it will generate many opportunities of employment in our community( both directly and indirectly)我觉得罗嗦. On a simple level, this large factory needs many people to keep it running smoothly with the result that a great number of jobs are delivered(available) to people in our community. Definitely, it will solve the present pressure in employment. At the deeper level, other establishments, such as hotels, supermarkets, and restaurants, will emerge after constructing this factory. Not only will the emergence of those businesses benefit the economy of our community, but it will also,surely, offer plenty of job opportunities.

Economically, the establishment of a large-scale factory will provide our community with numerous benefits and great profits. Initially, the huge contribution in tax will be the first noticed advantage. Moreover, other relative businesses will be attracted to our community(with the developments of the factory and our community). In a long term, coinciding with the dramatic development chiefly caused by the new factory, the infrastructure and environment of our community will be promoted by (being financed by)the increasing income of our government. Meanwhile those pleasing changes will appeal more businesses to our community.
(Admittedly, other that benefits, also originated are the inevitable negative effects.)没读懂 The side-effect in our environment will be the most striking one. The problem can be divided into two parts: one is the pollution of this factory; the other is that along with the factory, the increase of population will be almost avoidable and might make our community more crowded. However, those two ones can be weaken(weakened )to a comparably acceptable level when the sound regulation is adopted, the technique to prevent pollution (is) equipped, (and)he relevant construction of infrastructure (is)delivered.
To sum up, albeit some problems such as pollution will be the obstacle of this plan, taking in account the factors I have outlined above it is reasonable to argue that the advantages of constructing a large factory near our community weigh its disadvantages.
请问楼主是不是看过李笑来的6分作文?

griffinandrocUID: 201471

Recently, extremely popular is the debate about the announcement about building a sizable factory near our community(这样的倒装可以吗，好象否定词，副词，还有分词词组才引起倒装的). Undoubtedly, there are both positive and negative effects. After the close scrutiny about this issue, for my part it is advisable to adopt this plan. The argument for my view goes as follows.（除了第一句我有疑问，第一段很顺）

As a threshold（这个词好像只能够当名词，我个人以为这样使用不恰当，表达重要有很多其他的词） matter, the most visible advantage of establishing a new factory is that it will generate many opportunities of employment(应该是employment opportunity) in our community both directly and indirectly. On a simple level(这个我也没有见过), this large factory needs many people to keep it running smoothly with the result that a great number of jobs are delivered to people in our community（中间应该用逗号拆开, as a result）. Definitely, it will solve the present pressure in employment. At the deeper(和simple level不形成对照) level, other establishments, such as hotels, supermarkets, and restaurants, will emerge after constructing this factory. Not only will the emergence of those businesses benefit the economy of our community, but also offer plenty of job opportunities.

Economically, the establishment of a large-scale factory will provide our community with numerous benefits and great profits. Initially, the huge contribution in tax will be the first noticed advantage. Moreover, other relative businesses will be attracted to our community. In a long term, coinciding with the dramatic development chiefly caused by the new factory the infrastructure and environment of our community will be promoted by using the increasing income of our government. Meanwhile those pleasing changes will appeal more businesses to our community.

Admittedly, other that(than) benefits, 缺主语also originated are the inevitable negative effects. The side-effect in our environment will be the most striking one. The problem can be divided into two parts: one is the pollution of this factory; the other is that along with the factory the increase of population will be almost avoidable and might make our community more crowded. However, those two ones can be weaken to a comparably acceptable level when the sound regulation is adopted, the technique to prevent pollution equipped,(and) the relevant construction of infrastructure delivered.

To sum up, albeit some problems such as pollution will be the obstacle of this plan, taking in(into) account the factors I have outlined above it is reasonable to argue that the advantages of constructing a large factory near our community weigh(overweight) its disadvantages.

griffinandrocUID: 201471

从说理的角度来看，我觉得没有说透，第二段稍好，但是句子中间的过渡词运用不是很得当。从句子来看，长短句结合的不是很紧凑，尤其是有些短语我个人以为是错误的，除非很有把握，我觉得还是少用的好

avexUID: 159089

首先感谢上面各位来我们第一组并提出宝贵意见

首先是对文章中错误的更正

首先是笔误
other that -than
taking in - taking into
weigh - outweigh
avoidable - unaviodable
然后是语言上我觉得要修改的
orginated - orginating
weaken - weakened
第一句about - of
in our enviroment - towards our enviroment

然后是关于语言上的一些其他问题

首先是上面几位提到短语的问题
短语来说，并不是自己编的（有两个拼写错误了，真是手抽了，哈哈）
每一个都是有出处的，基本都是杂志上看到和一些例文
顺便回复geacy (懒猫) ，呵呵李笑来的twe例文没有看过（听过几届aw的课倒是真的）
看过几篇胡敏的，as a threshold matter（等价initially, threshold并不是表示重要而是起段语，回复楼上的朋友）就是跟他学的，我觉得他的文笔牛到家了

然后是after the close scrutiny 这个是写argument经常使的，开扁的前奏

在是一个句法问题，就是关于第一段第一句和第四段第一句的完全倒装
这个语法上没有问题，见波波语法
但是这招也不是跟他学的，我原来写句子有时也头重脚轻
后来看了economist一篇review ----a market for ideas（讲patent的）后顿悟
这个就是从那学来的，那篇文章不错可以找来看看，不过有可能现在是premium的了

最后回复armstrong ：when it comes to .这个我基本规避使，跟coin的那个短语一样
when facing 倒是使，关于twe的要求我也不大了解
我觉得逻辑很重要，但是我写twe也没有写aw那么认真搞swot或二分法

回复griffinandroc ：关你说的as a result那句，用在这是错的因果关系错了，再就是with the result没有问题也不用用逗号隔开，这本来想使in return for后来觉得太乱就没使


然后恢复ggq，你改得真细。感谢呀。关于critical thinking的我以后会注意的

回复stonesq：马上就去光临

ps：呵呵，再次谢谢各位的意见，其实我写作文游戏性很重这篇还好，以前经常看到老外文章中精彩的表达就自己用上。比如前一阵看老外不用between而用betwixt，用了一次，被同学说我用古语。看来也是有利有弊，哈哈

[ Last edited by avex on 2005-12-20 at 00:44 ]

avexUID: 159089

Many people hope that there is a factory built near their communities, while others may prefer to live far away from factories.hehe你的文章常有有意思的表达，赞 Both sides have good reasons to support their opinions. Both advantages and disadvantages are presented below and which 这个语法错误，which不能引导主语从句 side is favored depends on the specific person.然后我觉得还是在这给出自己的position比较好

The advantages are apparent. On the one hand the去掉, a factory near the community will bring many job opportunities to us, 语法错误缺少连词those who are out of job can find a job there and get paid. This will help them get through the hard times. On the other hand, it can provide the residents with cheap products, and this will contribute to more consumption, which may highly speed up development of local economy. What is more, a factory nearby may also incite the impulse of local people to build up their own businesses.这句很赞

However, the negative effects also exist. Factories may make noises, the quite life will be interrupted by the roaring of the machines of the factories, and people can no longer live as comfortable as they had before. Furthermore, these factories may use up available sources, and deprive the people of 这个of是不逻辑出问题了the wealth that initially belongs to them and with this exhaust their own chance of development if the sources are preserved for them. These sources would be great help to the local people, taking one form of the various kinds of capital.这段有点乱

As for me, the advantages can outweigh the opposite. My hometown is still undeveloped, it needs more incentives to stimulate its development, a factory is exactly what it is eager for. A factory can play a important role in not only the manufacture 不要the but all the relevant fields, such as public service. Admittedly, some disadvantages bring up the doubt of some people, but these problems can be solved if carefully dealt with. For example, we can place the machines in a well isolated house to relieve the noise, and get some of the material for other place. With all these difficulties overcome, we can enjoy the benefits a factory would favor us.这个favor用的有问题吧，不能跟双宾吧

avexUID: 159089

第三期

topic 5

time: 45又超了
words:425也超了，汗
这篇写得有点不爽

When facing with games, the first response of some people might be merely related to children, and some one might even consider games childish and useless for adults. Yet the view of games is changing. Also changing are the functions and significance of games, especially for adults. At present, the role of many games might be not only a kind of diversity but also an exciting and effective means for adults to keep vigorous and gain knowledge.

To begin with, one chief reason why games are equally significant for adults is that games are one of the most common and effective ways to alleviate the great stress many adults confront in modern times. Coinciding with the rise of the number of average working hours many surveys and reports marked, in parallel many adults faced greater stress than past. That is why games, being a sound solution to weaken the effect caused by the stress coming from working, are important to adults. Taking sports for instance. There are two wholesome effects on this problem: one is that the enjoying of these games makes adults easier to forget the difficulties and relax mentally; the other is that the harmful secretion induced by the depression can be discharged though the perspiration during games.

In addition, another benefit which can not be overlooked is that games make people’s mind sharp, especially for adults. The changeless life might make many people slow in mind and response, and this deed will be more serious for aged people. Some games such as electronic shooting games would be an ideal exercise for people to avoid this problem.

Furthermore, the last argument to support my view is that adults can learn many practical skills and knowledge from some games. As many as the games aiming to teach children some basic knowledge, a great number of games are designated to instruct adults some useful skills or deliver them some experience critical to their jobs. My former project an e-commerce teaching platform, like kind of role play game, would be a striking example. Players would be a manager of a logistics company in a virtual world this game stimulates. In this game, people can learn some fundamental strategies in running a logistics firm and gain some valuable experience in an effective and joyful way. Numerous similar games are introduced to many programs of gradate school of business.

To sum up, taking into account all the factors I have outlined, numerous benefits of games make it equally important for adults to achieve a health and successful life.

[ Last edited by avex on 2005-12-24 at 17:43 ]

approachUID: 2101189

呵呵,首先给AVEX道歉哈,我是17组的丫丫,上次你给我改后我回家了,多种原因上网不方便也没给你回改,真是惭愧啊.呵呵,不多说拉,给你改了第三期的作业~~
总的说呢,你水平好高啊,好多词汇用得都很好,值得学习啊~~我真是水平有限,而且这几天还荒废了,所以只改了一些表面错误.也可能里面有因为自己水平不够改错的~见凉哈~~
PS,一组的同学们平安夜快乐哈~~
When facing with games, the first response of some people might be merely related to children, and some one might even consider games childish and useless for adults. Yet the view of games is changing. Also changing are (是不是单复数弄错了？)the functions and significance of games, especially for adults. At present, the role of many games might be not only a kind of diversity but also an exciting and effective means for adults to keep vigorous and gain knowledge.
To begin with, one chief reason why games are equally significant for adults is that games are one of the most common and effective ways to alleviate the great stress（是不是缺个that或which啊？） many adults confront in modern times. Coinciding with the rise of the number of average working hours many surveys and reports marked, in parallel many adults faced greater stress than past. That is why games, being a sound solution to weaken the effect caused by the stress coming from working, （哈哈，好羡慕你这个插入语啊~~）are important to adults. Taking sports for instance. There are two wholesome effects on this problem（记得以前一个讲翻译的老师说过，problem最好少用，好象有贬义的含义。）: one is that the enjoying of these games makes adults easier to forget the difficulties and relax mentally; the other is that the harmful secretion induced by the depression can be discharged though the perspiration during games.

In addition, another benefit which can not be overlooked is that games make people’s mind sharp, especially for adults. The changeless life might make many people slow in mind and response, and this deed will be more serious for aged people. Some games such as electronic shooting games would be an ideal exercise for people to avoid this problem.
Furthermore, the last argument to support my view is that adults can learn many practical skills and knowledge from some games. As many as the games aiming to teach children some basic knowledge, a great number of games are designated to instruct adults some useful skills or deliver them some experience critical to their jobs. My former project an e-commerce teaching platform, like kind of role play （role-play???）game, would be a striking example. Players would be a manager of a logistics company in a virtual world这中间是不缺点什么啊？读着不顺啊) this game stimulates. In this game, people can learn some fundamental strategies in running a logistics firm and gain some valuable experience in an effective and joyful way. Numerous similar games are introduced to many programs of gradate school of business.
To sum up, taking into account all the factors I have outlined, numerous （上两行刚刚用过，就小换个词一下吧~）benefits of games make it equally important for adults to achieve a health and successful life.

approachUID: 2101189

PS,楼主一直说自己的字数超了,那请教一下究竟多少字数为好啊?

stoneSQUID: 2145827

三个论证段似乎应该重新安排下顺序。你的用词一直是大家学习的榜样哈，^_^

When facing with（这个短语这么用在这，语法有错误） games, the first response of some people might be merely related to children, and some one might even consider games childish and useless for adults. （People tend to associate games with children naturally because they think that adults in games seem to be childish and playing games for adults is a waste of time.仅供参考）Yet the view of games is changing. Also changing are the functions and significance of games, especially for adults. （这句话用意何在？）At present, the role of many games might be not only a kind of diversity （diversion？）but also an exciting and effective means for adults to keep vigorous and gain knowledge.似乎说得有点罗嗦，扣题的力度也好像不够
To begin with, one chief reason why games are equally significant for adults is that games are one of the most common and effective ways to alleviate the great stress many adults confront（suffer？） in modern times. Coinciding with the rise of the number of （冗余？）average working hours（per week?似乎更准确些） many surveys and reports marked, in parallel （并行的？用在这合适否？）many adults faced greater stress than past（they used to be?）. That is why games, being （去掉这个词似乎亦可）a sound（preferred？） solution to weaken the effect caused by the stress coming from working, are important to adults. Taking sports for instance. There are two wholesome effects on this problem: one is that the enjoying of these games makes adults easier to forget the difficulties and relax mentally; the other is that the harmful secretion induced by the depression can be discharged though the perspiration during games（后一点似乎太细了，容易引起争议，improve physical conditions?）.

In addition, another benefit which can not be overlooked is that games make people’s mind sharp（用sharpen如何？）, especially for adults. The changeless（bland?） life might make many people slow in mind and response, and this deed will be more serious for aged（good！） people. Some games such as electronic shooting games would be an ideal exercise for people to avoid this problem（似乎举些益智的games更好些）.

Furthermore, the last argument to support my view is that adults can learn many practical skills and knowledge from some games. As many as the games aiming to teach children some basic knowledge（似乎想用比较状语从句，没成功？as many as我的第一反映就是多达）, a great number of games are designated（designed?） to instruct adults some useful skills or deliver them some experience（pl.?） critical to their jobs. My former project an e-commerce teaching platform, like kind of role play game（kind of做“有几分”讲？似乎修饰形容词啊，你这么用是不是有点歧义？）, would be a striking example. Players would be a manager of a logistics company in a virtual world this game stimulates. In this game, people can learn some fundamental strategies in running a logistics firm and gain some valuable experience（pl.） in an effective and joyful way.（能不能再把这个例子简化说明呢） Numerous similar games are introduced to many programs of gradate school of business（要么不说，要么把目的强调给出）.
To sum up, taking into account all the factors I have outlined, numerous benefits of games make it（it用错了？虚宾－后面的不定式，应该是games？） equally important for adults to achieve a health（adj.） and successful life.这一段用in addition to the factors i have mentioned above,many other benefits will support my view that ...

也去我们的帖看看吧，帮我们改改用词什么的，^_^
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

[ Last edited by stoneSQ on 2005-12-25 at 01:00 ]

avexUID: 159089

感谢stoneSQ 和approach的建议

这篇写得实在罗嗦
重写了一篇

When facing with games, at the first glance many people might merely relate games to children, and some one might even consider games childish and useless for adults. However, at an individual level, games might be not only a kind of diversion but also an exciting and effective means for adults to keep vigorous and gain knowledge.

To begin with, one chief reason why games are equally significant for adults is that games are one of the most common and effective ways to alleviate the great stress many adults confront in modern times.
Many survey and statistics remark that the average working hours are rising. Also climbing, alas, is the stress people suffer. That is why some games, such as sports, are introduced to many adults for being a solution to relieve the great stress.

Furthermore, as if children can learn knowledge and skills from games, the same goes for adults. Hardly can I think of one better illustration of the argument than the example “Monopoly”, a game in which players use dice, cards, and fake money in an attempt to buy, rent, and sell property. Through role-play games like Monopoly, adults can undergo some practical experience and strategies in the virtual market those games simulate. Moreover, there are numerous games designed for helping adults gain some valuable skills in some vocational schools

Another benefit which can not be overlooked is that games, to some extent, might prevent people from aging. The bland life might make many people slow in mind and response, and this deed will be more serious for aged people. Some games such as electronic video games would be an ideal exercise for people to avoid this problem.

To sum up, regardless of people’s age, they will benefit from games in several aspects. Taking into account all the factors I have outlined above, it is convincing to say that games are as considerable for adults as for children.

stoneSQUID: 2145827

哈哈，好啊。咱们两个组可以合并了。

avexUID: 159089

Originally posted by stoneSQ at 2005-12-29 23:31
哈哈，好啊。咱们两个组可以合并了。

好呀

不错不错;P

stoneSQUID: 2145827

不过好像是最后一期同主题写作了，如果大家都有时间，也觉得有必要可以民间组织一下哈，再写新的作文或者是把以前写的发上来，互相改一改。

我在看你给我改的作文，改完之后再发出来，然后再拜读您的大作。如果今天晚上来不及，就得明天帖出来了。

咱们不是一个数量级的，得好好向你学习呢。

avexUID: 159089

Originally posted by stoneSQ at 2005-12-29 23:52
不过好像是最后一期同主题写作了，如果大家都有时间，也觉得有必要可以民间组织一下哈，再写新的作文或者是把以前写的发上来，互相改一改。

我在看你给我改的作文，改完之后再发出来，然后再拜读您的大作。如果 ...

你太客气了
互相学习
我觉得twe咋俩都要抓紧了
既然民间，民间好了
咋门按这个写吧。每天练得篇数可以增加
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... page%3D1&page=1

ps:现在写作文没有章法，这两天要把以前写的好好总结一下，搞出套路来

stoneSQUID: 2145827

Thanks to the advent of automobile（？pl.）, people’s lives are now more efficient, more convenient and more fascinating than before. At the same time, associating（不能肯定associated?） with some unfavorable issue（？pl.） such as pollution our economy and culture have been altered by the significant effect（？pl.） of automobiles. Owing to both negative and positive effects of automobiles, people’s lives are totally different. The arguments for my view go as follows.对change理解得很到位哈

As a threshold matter, in one （a？）sense automobiles as a substitute（替代？） for the old forms of transportation（as another choice more advanced than traditional vehicles感觉替代不是很妥当，同时感觉form这个词不太适当） make people’s lives more efficient and comfortable. One can not deny that compared with walking or horse carriages automobiles are definitely faster. The time people spend on commuting is dwindled, which in part accounts for why modern life is more efficient than past. Also reducing is the effect of bad weather to traveling（咋这么怪呢） due to the cozy space automobiles offer to us. Furthermore, along with the comfortable condition during traveling, the additional equipment of automobiles such as the radio and television makes the journey full of fun.论证紧扣主题efficient and comfortable, good!但是感觉efficient 论证得不是很到位

At an even deeper level, without doubt automobiles have shaped our culture and economy （先后顺序）which are close relative to the quality of our lives（这个定语从句有点费解？）. On one hand, not only do the manufacture, sale, and servicing of automobiles themselves contribute to economy greatly, but the high-speed circulation automobiles permit also change other trades a lot. The other manufacture will be more flexible and efficient in that the materials are more accessible owing to the introduction of the fast vehicle. Meanwhile, both the reachable market to manufacturers and the range of products available to customers are broader.（先说一句，这个小节我看起来还吃力啊。意思是搞懂了，不过好像不是很赞同你这种论证，至少我认为不是直接说明automobiles对economy的shape） On the other hand, automobiles become a substantial part of the modern culture. For instance, the delicately designed cars such as some models of Porsche become the collection of many people. Formula One derives fascination from all over the world.（最后一句欠妥）关于文化的两个例证，赞一个！

However, with those huge benefits, automobiles also call into （？cause）several problems in people’s lives. Noise and Pollution will be at the top of those problems. The dramatic（？） boost of automobiles is responsible for the deficiency of petroleum as well, which would be mostly concerned by many people nowadays（主动似乎更好些）. Moreover, other problems like automobile accidents also causes negative effects to people’s lives.

To sum up, with the great mobility of automobiles people’s lives are more efficient and comfortable, and our culture and economy are also changed remarkably, albeit automobiles lead to some side-effects on people’s lives as well. Yet for better or worse（个人认为还是指出倾向比较好）, there is no denying that automobiles have altered people’s lives hugely（drastically?）, which is the reason why the 1900s can be called the age of the automobile.

题目理解得很到位，遣词造句虽然不是十全十美，不过还是有很多值得学习的地方

[ Last edited by stoneSQ on 2005-12-30 at 11:42 ]