范文分析及例子积累 每天一点进步一点思考

virginia730UID：208873

小小辛苦了~~~
虽然没有写作文,但是还是这么努力~!

果小冻UID：208370

大家可以根据自己的情况,把每天的思考留这里的哦,我们一起进步,恩恩

果小冻UID：208370

1
SARS 非常有用的一个，你一定知道，可是别忘记拼写Severe Acute Respirator
take effective and efficient measures  B_7|qy7q-Hc@$@
如the Health Ministry的领导说话不负责任.  
:m8Q
W6I0R,K这个SARS简直通用。可以说明：政治家的修养和道德，政府和人民，科技和医学，人类发展，科研资料共享与研究互动，还有合作。。。太多了 departments of the government
instance, there are various diseases which endanger our life potentially the same as extremes of human behavior do to the society. With the purpose of keeping healthy, people always take the vaccines which can do the precautions against ailments, for if people have taken the vaccines, they have the immunization as to be immune to some kinds of ailments. So the doctors always suggest that: prevention is better than cure. For this reason, the stability of society depends on preventions not the responses.   

2,
Mass media and Mass trasportation:
instance, the mass public traffic of the modern world including unnumbered automobiles and millions of planes makes the transportation all over the world more efficient, so the tourists today can increase their experience from the journey easily and comfortably. Another good example is the mass media which makes the big world like a small village. Because of the mass media, such as Internet and television, people can become familiar with a great many places that may be thousands of kilometres away and communicate with other people, who shares the same interests, more conveniently.
3
公司,企业
The well-known soft drink Coca Cola is a case in point. In every advertisement of Coca Cola, the feeling of having a drink of Cola is described as wonderful and fantastic. At the same time, some excellent advertising slogans, such as "Cole Adds Life"; "Have a Cole and a Smile"; "Cole is it", are becoming well-known. All these above can make a good "First Impression" to the potential consumers. That is why Coca Cola is popular all around the world.

For instance, although the portable computers which are designed and manufactured by IBM are not beautiful and smart because of the all black appearance, they are popular and widely used in a large number of companies and schools all over the world. That is because that the quality of IBM computers is the best.
l
both the appealing image and the good reality are important for success. For example, although the quality of CPU made by AMD Company is good as well as that of Intel Company and the price of AMD's CPU is even lower, the consumers still prefer Intel's CPU to AMD's CPU
4
亚里士多德 Aristotle
Greek philosopher. A pupil of Plato, the tutor of Alexander the Great, and the author of works on logic, metaphysics, ethics, natural sciences, politics, and poetics, he profoundly influenced Western thought. In his philosophical system theory follows empirical observation and logic, based on the syllogism, is the essential method of rational inquiry.

亚里士多德希腊哲学家。柏拉图的学生，亚历山大大帝的教师，他的著述论及逻辑学，形而上学，伦理学，自然科学，政治学和诗学，对西方思想产生了深远影响，在其哲学体系里，理论服从实地观察和逻辑，以三段论为基础，基本上是理性研究的理论方法。

5哥白尼 Copernicus
([Polish astronomer who advanced the theory that the earth and other planets revolve around the sun, disrupting the Ptolemaic system of astronomy.
哥白尼，尼科劳斯1473-1543波兰天文学家，他提出地球及其它行星绕太阳运动的日心说，推翻了托勒密的天文学理论即地心体系。

果小冻UID：208370

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... ght=%2B%C4%BE%B6%FA
恩恩,明天关于issue的思考,hoho

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m没完成，汗，回来继续

virginia730UID：208873

顶个~~~~~~~!

果小冻UID：208370

"It is unfortunate that today's educators place so much emphasis on finding out what students want to include in the curriculum and then giving it to them.  It is the educators' duty to determine the curriculum and the students' duty to study what is presented to them."

SAMPLE-1 (score 6)  
The statement above conceals[ infesting connotations] far above curriculum development.  Issues of [classroom control] and [development of scholarly talents] are at stake, not simply a debate over which books are acceptable or over revisionist histories.[只能感叹作者的见解太深邃了，恩恩，直接摆出观点，对下面的文章总领，且一针见血，一般我写作文，都是对题目发表一下看法，从来没有对其从逻辑层面 进行过分析]

The statement itself is a bit misleading in that in my experience, student control over curriculum hardly existed.[从自己的经历出发]  Each year, there were certain course offerings made available, and students were to choose from those offerings, of course bearing in mind requirements for graduation set forth by the administration. [这个长句用的好的，好多的结构啊，怎样让文章不单调又不乱，我想我应该从句子上下点工夫吧] On a classroom level, [the immediate, initial ]material may have  been somewhat directed by the students, but this was a part of the process allowed by the teacher/professor in order to gain the [interest and attention] of the students.[对于实质作者看的真清楚，然后说的很细，同时也是做了一个小让步，只是这个让步是把握在他的手里而已，也为下个层次做好铺垫了]  However, too much of any one thing becomes problematic; letting students set the curriculum,[as ]with letting students choose and design their own major in college, serves ultimately to [dilute ]the quality of the educational experience[ unless] a single advisor can devote significant amounts of time to the individual student. [这个还是用的很棒的长句，一点也不乱，还显得很充实] This amount of time, or even  the expense to the student of this individual attention, seem to indicate that resources would be better allocated elsewhere.[关于这段，层次很清楚，先摆观点，然后小让步，转折。恩，但给我最大的感受还是关于长句的使用]

Of course, any school in which the students decide ["what goes"]is[ bound to]have problems controlling students. [承接上段说dilute the quality of education，上 段最后是给出观点，这里是扩充] Once the educators, be they administrators or teachers, are under the control of students, [even a democratic situation would be like holding royalty acountable to the mob.这种句子都是添彩的，到上个分句为止的话，就比较空洞] Presently, students hear for hours that they should not forget to use a condom[ in the heat of the moment,]and educators think the message gets through,  while half the kids can't even remember to[ bring a pencil to class.展开的好细啊，语言很形象]   Students go to school not to simply learn the Pythagorean theorem, but to learn direction and receive guidance.[至此又对上面的细节做了一个总结] This cannot occur when students are  in charge, and standards, already hard to find in America's contemporary public schools,  will become unenforceable. [好句子] If students dictate and administrators do, students will never learn academic responsibility, and if they can't[ be held accountable for] homework, what other responsibilities will they avoid when they get older?
[这几个总结归纳的句子写的都很有力，主要是句子结构多变，长句使用的很棒。我突然想到了自己写，细节展开的倒是很多，字数也真是很少，为什么我的就显得重复显得乱呢？估计就是没有围绕一个中心点展开，还有语言上的单调造成的吧，另外给我的启示是，在展开之后一定要有点题的总结，要有一个收尾]

But in another sense, teachers and students do exist in a partnership of sorts.[这里是文章的升华，可以看评论The line of reasoning is strengthened by the discussion of how teachers and students can work in partnership to satisfy the needs of students.]  Teachers are there to satisfy the needs of the student, [and ]the student, [while ]perhaps not being the most experienced/ knowledgeable person  on what his/her needs actually are (versus wants), at least should be[ afforded some say.]  [又是个好句子，哈哈，对比性很强，当说到两者的相辅相成的作用时候可以用捏] In addition, we must remember what the purpose of education is, and that there are different levels of education.[这个段落很好的提到了一个高度，从应该谁决定课程到教育的目的来]

In high school, the focus is not so much on learning actual material.  The focus is on[ developing study habits, and on social interaction. ] [承接上段，举了high school 具体的说教育应该怎么做才好]The best secondary schools promote an environment in which individual creativity and pacing can be developed, [后面的从句就具体的说明了是什么能力]where students are taught to think on their own, and learn to debate and argue in a scholarly way, through writing and other formal methods of discourse.[我现在明白了，展开的细致是体现在围绕一个点时候的，不是说天马行空的从很多面来说，还是要有一个主线的。这里展开的就很好，句子整齐，很具体]  Group collaboration and interpersonal skills are developed and honed.  The actual details of what is studied and tested is of less importance. [除了长句外，短句用的也很好] Whether a student reads Maya Angelou, or Yeats, or Euripides essentially is beside the point as long as a student's mind is cultivated, not just their ability to record and recite.  What is important is that secondary students develop and grow in the hands of the professionals.
The secondary educational experience is designed to prepare a student for college.  It is in college where the individual learns to examine the world and how it works, and the individual's place in it.
[关于这段，评论是关于它的展开例子方面的The argument is further advanced with concrete examples from high school courses showing how teachers provide guidance for students through group collaboration, development of interpersonal skills, and preparation for college.  The examples are varied (from condom use to reading Angelou, Yeats, or Euripides) and used effectively to further support the writer's position.]


As for duty, it is the educators' duty not simply to determine the curriculum, but to present it effectively. [点的好] They cannot half-heartedly paint it on the blackboard, they must enliven it and actually teach. [感觉和枯燥的说理相比，这样形象话具体的语言更有说服力] [Hard work must be lauded, while freeloaders are punished. ] These are the duties of teachers, and the duty of the students is not just to learn or study, but to grow. An independent mind is what students need, and that mind has to be in a position to want and be able to question beyond the material presented, not simply to question its legitimacy. That distinction, though subtle, is the difference between letting the students follow a self-destructive course of premature self-determination on the one hand , and permitting on the other hand the fostering of great talents through a cooperative, mentoring relationship[又和题目紧紧联系起来了，评论：ties the essay together.]
[关于这篇范文，我觉得最有启发的地方总结如下：
1，        语言方面，真的很精确，长短句结合使用的很好，用词多变化，句式不单调
2，        在论证方面，步步深入，观点鲜明，围绕观点展开地很细致，主要的是最后还有收尾，很关键
3，        另外作者时时刻刻都和题目紧紧地联系着，显得文章很紧凑]



COMMENTARY
This is an insightful, well-articulated discussion of curricular responsibility and the larger issue of academic responsibility.  After a brief introduction examining assumptions implied by the topic, the writer skillfully develops the position that letting students dictate the curriculum could dilute the educational experience.  Allowing students to determine the curriculum, the writer claims, will deny them the guidance and direction they need to learn academic responsibility.

The line of reasoning is strengthened by the discussion of how teachers and students can work in partnership to satisfy the needs of students.  The argument is further advanced with concrete examples from high school courses showing how teachers provide guidance for students through group collaboration, development of interpersonal skills, and preparation for college.  The examples are varied (from condom use to reading Angelou, Yeats, or Euripides) and used effectively to further support the writer's position.

In the conclusion, the writer thoughtfully discusses how educators should not only determine the curriculum but present it in an enlivened and appropriate manner.  The final sentence, contrasting a "self-destructive course of premature self-determination" and "a cooperative, mentoring relationship," ties the essay together.

The essay is [clearly organized] although the writer does not rely on conventional phrases (such as "first," "second," etc.) to signal the organizational structure.  Instead, the organization and focus progress through the line of reasoning that [moves fluently and coherently ]from one paragraph to the next.

Language use is generally[ precise and effective ](e.g., "holding royalty accountable to the mob"), and[ sentence structure is well controlled ](e.g., "hard work must be lauded, while freeloaders are punished").  The few errors are minor, the kind that can easily be made -- and forgiven -- under testing conditions.

This outstanding response received a score of 6.

嘶喊的牧歌UID：197463

不错不错！
徒弟真棒！
号召大家都向你学习。

果小冻UID：208370

感觉今天分析的文章给我的最大感觉是,语言上要用词有变化,长短句结合,句子给的不能无根无据,但要做到这些需要我的积累努力
论证方面,展开一定要围绕中心,点题的紧密,善于运用连接词,让层次清晰
例子的使用上,需要恰当,要又自己的分析,和题目连接起来,这个很重要,恩恩.
先总结至此

果小冻UID：208370

呵呵,她会好好努力的

virginia730UID：208873

小小强的恩~~~~
每天都来顶你~！！！
期末考复习得还好吧~~~~

果小冻UID：208370

东西太杂了，很难受，我们去家园贴说，呵呵，今天一会来分析argument和积累例子，有些问题希望可以和你探讨的

yolanda_0412UID：2169551

en.......明天考完试我也要好好总结一下前人的经验，列一下计划，真正开始备战啦！

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Test3
A recent survey of dental patients showed that people who use Smile-Bright toothpaste are most likely to have capped teeth -- artificial but natural-looking protective coverings placed by dentists on individual teeth.  Those people who had begun using Smile-Bright toothpaste early in life were more likely to have capped teeth than were people who had begun using Smile-Bright later in life.  In addition, those who reported brushing their teeth more than twice a day with Smile-Bright toothpaste were more likely to have caps on their teeth than were those who reported brushing with Smile-Bright less frequently.  Therefore, people wishing to avoid having their teeth capped should not use Smile-Bright toothpaste.


6、
The argument contains several facets that are questionable.  First, the reliability and generalizability  of the survey are open to quesiton.  In addition, the argument assumes a correlation amounts to a causal relationship.  The argument also fails to examine alternative explanations.  I will discuss each of these facets in turn.[开头真的层次很清晰，每个攻击点都明确，然后对下面的论证都起到了总领作用。]

In evaluating the evidence of the survey, one must consider how the survey was conducted. [和首段的第一个攻击点对应，并且指出了问题所在] If the questions were leading or if the survey relied on[ self reports,] the results might be unreliable -- people might just [respond with the expected answer.]   One must also consider how broad the survey was.  If the survey[ was limited to] a few patients of[ a certain ]dentist, the results might be attributable to those [particular ]individuals and that[ particular ]dentist. [这两个方面，我们也是可以想到的，可是在展开时候往往做不好，范文用精确的词语和细节的展开让内容很丰富。如果单单指出survey有问题，但是没有给出各种可能性，那就很空洞了；而如果展开的不恰当的话，那也很单薄了] Hence, the generalization drawn might not apply to most people. [总结句很好] In addition, even if the survey was broader, one must consider whether it was limited in certain ways.  For example, were the survey respondents old people?  Was the survey limited to a certain city or geographic region? [用问句的方法显得句子灵活，论证有力] Factors such as these could explain the survey results and could undermine the generalizability of the survey results.[段末收尾]
[整个段落的结构很整齐，中心句-分层次展开-给出细节-总结，每个可能性都用精确的语言给出了，显得很充实，句子方面也有变化]

Even if one accepts the survey results, the argument remains questionable. [层层深入，承接上文继续论证，显得逻辑很好] The argument assumes that the correlation between the use of SMILEBRIGHT and capped teeth means that SMILE BRIGHT causes the need for capped teeth.  But the argument fails to provide sufficient evidence to support the conclusion.  In addition,[使用的连词也很不错拉] the argument fails to consider the possibility that people who already have capped teeth might prefer SMILEBRIGHT as a toothpaste because it works better on capped teeth.

Finally, the argument's author fails to rule out alternative explanations.  For instance, people who brush their teeth more than twice a day might be those who are prone to the need to have their teeth capped.  It might also be the case that starting with SMILEBRIGHT early in life damages the teeth so that capped teeth will be needed later. [不得不佩服范文想的周到] It also might be the case that SMILEBRIGHT users tend to be the kind of people who are excessively concerned with the appearance of their teeth, perhaps theyre actors, and so are the kind of people who might, sooner or later, want to have their teeth capped anyway.[这些可能性给的让人很佩服，恩，然后之间的层次也很清晰]

In conclusion, the argument, while it seems logocal at first, has several flaws as discussed above.  The argument could be improved by providing evidence that the correlation is indeed a causal relationship -- that using the toothpaste actually causes the need for capped teeth.  It could be further improved by ruling out alternative explanations for the supposed causal relationship.[总结也是和上面的论证紧紧联系起来的]
[这篇文章给我的感觉是
1结构整齐，不管是每段的分论点，还是段内的小层次都是按照着作者开头的条理进行的，很清晰。
2展开的很细致，每个可能性几乎都想到了，然后用很好的连词连接起来了，显得不乱
3用词很精确]

COMMENTARY
This outstanding response begins by announcing that the argument "contains several facets that are questionable."  The author then develops the critique around three main points:

-- the reliability and generalizability of the survey results are open to question;
-- the argument assumes that a correlation amounts to a causal relationship; and
-- there are alternative explanations for the facts uncovered by the survey.

Each of these points is[ analyzed insightfully ]and[ in great detail].

The writer demonstrates mastery of the elements of effective writing.  The [organization is clear and logical;] in fact, the organizational plan outlined in the first paragraph is followed to the letter in the second through fourth paragraphs.  The writing is [fluent -- transitions guide the reader from point to point in each paragraph]; [sentence structures are varied appropriately;] diction is apt.  Minor flaws (e.g., the typographical error "quesiton") do not detract from the overall outstanding quality of this critique.  For all of these reasons, the essay earns a score of 6.

安婧UID：2156480

本回复纯属灌水！
今天忙了一整天，我的胃却一直在跟我作对。快十二点时挣扎回寝室，爬上寄托来看看大家。小小说我不来玩了，真的不好意思啊！最近什么都顾不上了，净忙和系里那点破事呢。
至于你师父牧歌嘛，嘻嘻，安婧是长沙的呀。这次是我请他帮我看作文的，刚开始写不知道自己是什么水平嘛。小小给我该的作文我还没看呢，明天看！谢谢小小哦！小小好可爱的！

安婧在这里祝小小平安夜快乐！祝来小小的帖子玩儿的朋友们快乐！

貌似有点早的说……