范文分析及例子积累 每天一点进步一点思考

果小冻UID：208370

哈哈,一起努力撒

果小冻UID：208370

堕落哇,哇呀呀

Cappuccino☆UID：2155660

小小姐姐在研究范文~~正好去看看:
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

偶觉得issue154很有问题的说:D

果小冻UID：208370

Hospital statistics regarding people who go to the emergency room after rollerskating accidents indicate the need for more protective equipment. Within this group of people, 75 percent of those who had accidents in streets or parking lots were not wearing any protective clothing (helmets, knee pads, etc.) or any light-reflecting material (clip-on lights, glow-in-the-dark wrist pads, etc.). Clearly, these statistics indicate that by investing in high-quality protective gear and reflective equipment, rollerskaters will greatly reduce their risk of being severely injured in an accident.
Please note: All of these sample essays are reproduced as written, although reformatted for this document. Misspellings, typos, grammatical errors, etc. have been retained from the originals.
Benchmark 6
The notion that protective gear reduces the injuries suffered in accidents seems at first glance to be an obvious conclusion. [这个句子很常用，范文的特殊之处在于接下来的展开，很细致][After all], it is the intent of these products to[ either ]prevent accidents from occuring in the first place[ or] to reduce the injuries suffered by the wearer should an accident occur.[这里说的很清楚，连词用的很好，两种可能性给的很具体] [However], the conclusion that investing in high quality protective gear greatly reduces the risk of being severely injured in an accident may mask other (and potentially more significant) causes of injuries and may inspire people to over invest financially and psychologically in protective gear. [问题指出的很明确]
[关于开头，一般就是简练的表明自己的观点，直接指出原文的问题所在，至于套话的问题，可以通过具体化来弥补吧，到底是什么问题，什么错误，说清楚，反映到原文上去，而不是简单的用套话带过，层次上做的清晰一点就可以了，连词，句式的变化都可以做到，这个范文做的就很好，又丰富又流畅]
First of all, as mentioned in the argument, there are two distinct kinds of gear -- preventative gear (such as light reflecting material) and protective gear (such as helmets).[从对事物的理解上直接攻击原文] Preventative gear is intended to warn others, presumably for the most part motorists, of the presence of the roller skater. It works only if the "other" is a responsible and caring individual who will afford the skater the necessary space and attention.[这里指出了问题的症结] Protective gear is intended to reduce the effect of any accident, whether it is caused by an other, the skater or some force of nature.[前后的句式都是对称的哦] Protective gear does little, if anything, to prevent accidents but is presumed to reduce the injuries that occur in an accident. [每个句子都毫不留情的指出了原文的荒谬之处，处处注意点题，结构很紧凑，内容也不散]The statistics on injuries suffered by skaters would be more interesting if the skaters were grouped into those wearing no gear at all, those wearing protective gear only, those wearing preventative gear only and those wearing both. [前后指出问题，这里说明自己的看法，让文章更深一步了]These statistics could provide skaters with a clearer understanding of which kinds of gear are more beneficial.
[这段是第一个攻击点，也是最基础的，两个概念，作者用很对称的句子点明了原文的错误理解，然后和题目紧紧联系。随后指明了应该改进的地方，有理有据]
The argument above is weakened by the fact that it does not take into account the inherent differences between skaters who wear gear and those who do not. [指出错误的时候要具体化]If is at least likely that those who wear gear may be generally more responsible and/or safety conscious individuals. The skaters who wear gear may be less likely to cause accidents[ through careless or dangerous behavior.都是细致之处] It may, in fact,[句式也有变化，不是单纯的用may possible等词语] be their natural caution and responsibility that keeps them out of the emergency room rather than the gear itself. [对于怎么展开可能性，每个可能性展开的要完整化]Also, the statistic above is based entirely on those who are skating in streets and parking lots which are relatively dangerous places to skate in the first place. People who are generally more safety conscious (and therefore more likely to wear gear) may choose to skate in safer areas such as parks or back yards. [这里给出了其他的可能性，给的启示就是在展开时候一定要完整，要考虑的细致]
The statistic also goes not differentiate between severity of injuries. [每段的开头都观点明确]The conclusion that safety gear prevents severe injuries suggests that it is presumed that people come to the emergency room only with severe injuries. [直接就指出了问题所在]This is certainly not the case. [这里是否可以展开捏？]Also, given that skating is a recreational activity that may be primarily engaged in during evenings and weekends (when doctors' offices are closed), skater with less severe injuries may be especially likely to come to the emergency room for treatment. [句式的变化，可能性要给的完整，这样才能让人信服]
Finally, there is absolutely no evidence provided that high quality (and presumably more expensive) gear is any more beneficial than other kinds of gear. For example, a simple white t-shirt may provide the same preventative benefit as a higher quality, more expensive, shirt designed only for skating. [当单纯说理不行的时候需要具体化，有两个办法，一是提出其实可能性，还有是举例]Before skaters are encouraged to invest heavily in gear, a more complete understanding of the benefit provided by individual pieces of gear would be helpful. [问题之后就是解决办法，浑然一体的结构哦]
The argument for safety gear based on emergency room statistics could provide important information and potentially saves lives. Before conclusions about the amount and kinds of investments that should be made in gear are reached, however, a more complete understanding of the benefits are needed. After all, a false confidence in ineffective gear could be just as dangerous as no gear at all. [这个结尾充实的，和题目联系起来，又提出了问题所在，以及解决方法]
[总结一下：1，开头的引出很具体，既指出了问题所在，更是和题目联系在一起，突出了中心
2，结构上，每个攻击点是层层深入，其实关于每个攻击点之间怎么安排，写之前想清楚了就好，一般是按照问题的深入的。每段的内部，层次很清楚，先摆明观点，并且每段的中心句都不重复，且相互有联系；再展开，用细节展开，有说服力；最后提出解决方法。
3，语言上，很流利，主要由于句式的变化，用词的丰富，不重复
4，最大的启示是在展开细节的时候要完整]

Reader Comment on 6
This outstanding response demonstrates the writer's [insightful analytical skills. ]
[The introduction, which notes that adopting the prompt's fallacious reasoning could "...inspire people to over invest financially and psychologically in protective gear," is followed by a comprehensive examination of each of the argument's root flaws. ]Specifically, the writer exposes several points that undermine the argument:
*that preventive and protective gear are not the same
*that skaters who wear gear may be less prone to accidents because they are, by nature, more responsible and cautious
*that the statistics do not differentiate by the severity of the injuries
*that gear may not need to be high-quality to be beneficial

[The discussion is smoothly and logically organized, and each point is thoroughly and cogently developed.][ In addition, the writing is succinct, economical and error-free. Sentences are varied and complex, and diction is expressive and precise. 这里把范文的优点都说出来了]
In sum, this essay exemplifies the very top of the "6" range described in the scoring guide. If the writer had been less eloquent or provided fewer reasons to refute the argument, the essay could still have been scored "6."

安婧UID：2156480

谢谢我的宝贝小小！
找到差距，继续努力！

果小冻UID：208370

其实写多的人会发现所有的题都有一些共同点，我们可以从某几个方面去研究，这其实我觉得能用上很多哲学的东西。比如，事物变化论，举个例子吧，历史与现实的很多题就可以用到，社会和行为很多道也可以用；万事都是不同的；人的社会性；科学的局限性；群众的力量是无限的；社会精英论；人的天性；人的思维局限性；社会资源的有限性；人的偏见性；人的主观能动性
还有一些其他的共同点，就是定义和起源。写文章的一种思路：刨根问底去看问题的产生是为何？为什么会出现这样的问题？这叫历史唯物主义，从问题的本质和事务的概念开始发散的去写，去想，可以打开思路；还有一种叫辩证唯物主义，我们要去想想，过于极端的去承认某种观点，或否认会出现什么问题呢？如果没有了这种东西，会是什么样的呢？

果小冻UID：208370

ｉｓｓｕｅ：
对题目的分析全面，往往会得到一个综合的立场。也是我们普遍写的方法。会比较适合中国人的中庸之道。但是一定要明白你在写什么，你的中心是什么。不然会把正反论证写成自相矛盾。然而，虽然这样好写，但是与众不同或者出彩的可能性就小。全肯全否的的写法一定要从一而终，自圆其说。即使是一个错误的，你也要把他说成正确的。只要你的道理和论据支撑的住。这样难度较大，却容易有新意，我认为高分的可能不小。但是，一定要明白定论不是偏激，不是不讲理，恰恰相反，是非常讲理，尽管是歪理邪说，也得有理有据，自圆其说。

文章结构：ｔｈｅｓｉｓ统领全文，每个ｔｓ都支持ｔｈｅｓｉｓ，每个ｅｖｉｄｅｎｃｅ都紧扣ｔｓ，每个ｉｎｔｅｒｐｒｅｔａｔｉｏｎ都由ｅｖｉｄｅｎｃｅ指向ｔｓ。然后ｃｏｎｃｌｕｓｉｏｎ甚至深化（但不要跑出去）。文章需要的是一个严谨的结构。ＧＲＥ阅读的结构值得借鉴。不要写废话。你每写一个句子，都该赋予它结构和内容中的作用。而不是凑字数。其实按我说的结构写，不会没话可说。只要你动脑子想。想的东西无非就是那些ｗ和ｈ～～～为什么　怎么　会怎么　……这样写进去，也深也有字数。一定要记住：这事说理的文章，不是让人参的佛经。你摆一堆例子然后说个“容易得：……”，这是很幼儿园的写法。对例子朝论证方向的分析才是能力所见！

果小冻UID：208370

我想就是结构的紧凑和语言的丰富以及句式的多变吧，思想的深度方面短期也难以提高

jackloveUID：183611

这么好的贴怎么沉了，大家都多看看

果小冻UID：208370

恩，我也要坚持做下去的，欢迎一起努力哈

superficialUID：2151788

原帖由 果小冻 于 2006-1-12 20:59 发表
我想就是结构的紧凑和语言的丰富以及句式的多变吧，思想的深度方面短期也难以提高

不同意 我最愁的就是语言的丰富 我不愿意背东西 但是思想的深度方面我觉得相对简单~