范文分析及例子积累 每天一点进步一点思考

果小冻UID：208370

Issue test 3
"Our declining environment may bring the people of the world together as no politician, philosopher, or war ever could.  Environmental problems are global in scope and respect no nation's boundaries.  Therefore, people are faced with the choice of unity and cooperation on the one hand or disunity and a common tragedy on the other."


6、
Cooperation---or Tragedy?

The solution to the world's growing environmental problems may have to wait awhile. It has been said that "environmental problems are global and respect no nation's boundaries."  Unfortunately, pollution and its consequences still fall to这个词真是形象 large measure on those least likely to do anything about it: poor countries willing to sacrifice anything in order to sit at the table with the world's wealthy.形象
联系题目，用形象的语言给除了观点。好的词汇有，fall to large measure on

As far as the industrialized nations of the world are concerned, the world is a big place. Environmental destruction taking place outside their borders may sometimes be fodder for government pronouncements of concern, but few concrete actions.一个对比给除了作者的观点，用词也很好，下面是具体的例子，过度的也不错  Deforestation of the Amazon, for instance, is of vital concern 表达重要性的词，不老套to all those who wish to continue breathing. But the only effective deterrent to this activity, the restriction of international aid money to those countries showing net deforestation,用词很精确 has been stalled in the United Nations by those unwilling to "interfere" in the internal politics of other nations.这里我学到了如何简练的使用例子，很短的话却把例子的作用很好的发挥出来了，没有哪个句子是多余或者重复的，用词也很精妙，形象的表达

Because of the differential impact of polluting activities around the world, and even in different regions of a single country, many governments will undoubtedly continue to promulgate only modest environmental regulations. 这里是承接上文更深入地给出了论证 Costs to polluting companies will continue to carry as much weight as the benefit of a pollution-free environment. Particularly in the current political climate of the United States, the well-documented expense of today's pollution-control measures will be stacked against the unknown long-term effects of  polluting actitivities. 这里举的例子是从企业角度出发的，然后和上段举例的方式，句子的组织有很大的区别 "Why should I spend millions of dollars a year, which causes me to have to raise the cost of my goods or eliminate jobs, if no one really knows if air pollution is all that harmful?  Show me the proof, " an air polluting company  may demand.哈哈和死板的说理相比，这样好活泼哦，西西

Realistically,  it won't be until critical mass is achieved that  the hoped for "choice of unity and cooperation" will be a viable one. 又很好的连接到题目上去了拉 Only when the earth as a whole is so polluted that life itself becomes increasingly difficult for a majority of the world's people will there likely be the political will to force global environmental laws on governments worldwide.倒状句，很好的长句子，同时也指出了问题所在  But the optimists (read: environmental activists) among us continue to believe that the world can be shown the error of its ways.  They continue to point out that the sky is probably falling--or at least developing a big hole.  The world, as a whole, ignores them.长短句使用变化的很灵活

One would hope, however, that governments, perhaps through a strengthened U.N., could somehow be forced to realize that when the Earth reaches the critical mass of pollution, it may be too late to do anything about it.  That would be a "common tragedy" indeed.结尾太漂亮拉，简洁有力


COMMENTARY
This excellent response displays an in-depth analysis of the issue and superior facility with language.

While acknowledging that environmental problems are serious and of global dimensions, the essay explores the complexity of international cooperation.  Such cooperation, the essay argues, runs into a variety of problems, and the writer offers persuasive examples to support that point:这里我想到了，使用例子不一定要怎么与众不同，关键要能恰当的为自己的论证服务，运用语句上也可以灵活一些

-- the unwillingness of nations to "interfere" with other nations through political measures such as restriction of foreign aid

-- inadequate environmental regulations, which are caused both by "the differential impact of polluting activities" between countries and regions and by the difficulty of comparing the "long-term effects of polluting activities" with the more easily documented, short-term costs of reducing pollution.

The essay distinguishes itself in part by its excellent organization.  The first paragraph analyzes the claim and announces the writer's position; the second and third paragraphs provide clear examples supporting that position.  The skillful use of a quotation from a business person vividly illustrates the economic impact of pollution controls.  The last two paragraphs bring a sense of closure to the essay by continuing the theme announced in the first paragraph -- that cooperation must wait until more dire circumstances produce the political will necessary to reduce pollution.

The essay exhibits superior control of grammar and syntax, with only minor errors.  Transitional phrases -- "because," "however," "for instance" –这里说了连接词的重要，哈哈 help guide the reader through the argument.  Also, effective sentence variety and the use of precise word choice help confirm the score of 6.

果小冻UID：208370

会分析一下那个例子问题,哈哈,欢迎一起讨论hoho去继续死了,画图去,恩恩

I want my lifeUID：202445

AWA要拿高分，argument绝对不可以忽视。来看一篇argument的6分范文吧

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument.
Hospital statistics regarding people who go to the emergency room after roller-skating accidents indicate the need for more protective equipment.  Within this group of people, 75 percent of those who had accidents in streets or parking lots were not wearing any protective clothing (helmets, knee pads, etc.) or any light-reflecting material (clip-on lights, glow-in-the-dark wrist pads, etc.).  Clearly, these statistics indicate that by investing in high-quality protective gear and reflective equipment, roller skaters will greatly reduce their risk of being severely injured in an accident.

SAMPLE-1 (score 6)
The notion that protective gear reduces the injuries suffered in accidents seems at first glance to be an obvious conclusion.  After all, it is the intent of these products to either provent accidents from occuring in the first place or to reduce the injuries suffered by the wearer should an accident occur.  However, the conclusion that investing in high quality protective gear greatly reduces the risk of being severely injured in an accident may mask other (and potentially more significant) causes of injuries and may inspire people to over invest financially and psychologically in protective gear.
这段开篇的特点之一是与具体内容的联系非常密切！我在写argument时模板化的倾向很严重，尤其是在开头和结尾，不肯多想，几个句子几乎篇篇都能用。看看人家的，很生动，也很到位，孰优孰劣一下子就出来了。此外，这段作为开篇算是比较长的，但是其中并没有复述原题中的理由，而是从结论上探讨可能造成的后果，不失为一种好方法，学习之。

First of all, as mentioned in the argument, there are two distinct kinds of gear - preventative gear (such as light reflecting material) and protective gear (such as helmets). 很不常见的开头，直接点明接下来要论述的内容。Preventative gear is intended to warn others, presumably for the most part motorists, of the presence of the roller skater.  It works only if the "other" is a responsible and caring individual who will afford the skater the necessary space and attention.一针见血地指出preventative gear起作用的关键在于others而非skater本人。  Protective gear is intended to reduce the effect of any accident, whether it is caused by an other, the skater or some force of nature.  Protective gear does little, if anything, to prevent accidents but is presumed to reduce the injuries that occur in an accident. 两句，把protective gear也交代得清清楚楚 The statistics on injuries suffered by skaters would be more interesting if the skaters were grouped into those wearing no gear at all, those wearing protective gear only, those wearing preventative gear only and those wearing both.  These statistics could provide skaters with a clearer understanding of which kinds of gear are more beneficial.最后指出statistics的不足及补救办法，结构完整。
这段的着手点比较奇特，并不正面攻击原题的论证，而是自摆阵脚，从道理上展开，当中四句分别阐述两种gear的作用，具体到位，阐述完毕，原题也随之不攻自破。

The argument above is weakened by the fact 很好的句式，学习之that it does not take into account the inherent differences between skaters who wear gear and those who do not. 又是一个独特的视角 If is at least likely that those who wear gear may be generally more responsible and/or safety conscious individuals.一句，人格特征。The skaters who wear gear may be less likely to cause accidents through careless or dangerous behavior.第二句，与人格特征相应的行为特征。It may, in fact, be their natural caution and repsonsibility that keeps them out of the emergency room rather than the gear itself.水到渠成，轻松驳倒原题。  Also, the statistic above is based entirely on those who are skating in streets and parking lots which are relatively dangerous places to skate in the first place.更加完善的考虑，服了  People who are generally more safety conscious (and therefore more likely to wear gear) may choose to skate in safer areas such as parks or back yards.
没有很多argument中常见的各种“术语”、套句，就是根据原题的内容，非常实际也非常具体（见识到什么是具体了）的展开讨论，以理服人。

The statistic also goes not differentiate between severity of injuries. The conclusion that safety gear prevents severe injuries suggests that it is presumed that people come to the emergency room only with severe injuries.  This is certainly not the case.  Also, given that skating is a recreational activity that may be primarily engaged in during evenings and weekends (when doctors' offices are closed), skater with less severe injuries may be especially likely to come to the emergency room for treatment.很丰富的alternative situation，所以才会感觉一点都不空洞

Finally, there is absolutely no evidence provided that high quality (and presumably more expensive) gear is any more beneficial than other kinds of gear.  For example, a simple white t-shirt may provide the same preventative benefit as a higher quality, more expensive, shirt designed only for skating.  Before skaters are encouraged to invest heavily in gear, a more complete understanding of the benefit provided by individual pieces of gear would be helpful.
与前面的几段相比，这是一个细节攻击点，容易被忽视，果然非常缜密。

The argument for safety gear based on emergency room statistics could provide important information and potentially saves lives.  Before conclusions about the amount and kinds of investments that should be made in gear are reached, however, a more complete understanding of the benefits are needed.  After all, a false confidence in ineffective gear could be just as dangerous as no gear at all.
和开篇同一个风格，没有很细致的一一列举了，但是从整体的角度写得很丰富。

另：与题库中的题相比，个人感觉这道argument是有难度的，因为它通篇只是通过一个statistic来得出结论，也就是说，很多攻击点都是隐性的，需要自己挖掘。

果小冻UID：208370

1.In defense, Henry says he agrees democracy should demand that all citizens have equal opportunity, but feels egalitarians have gone too far by insisting all should finish equally. In your experience, do you find people are being rewarded on the basis of gender and ethnicity, or merit?

2.Henry concedes that in our diverse culture, people do not begin on a level playing field. However, he contends that politically correct "dumbed down" curriculums that play to "irate minorities"--"a brand of anti-intellectual populism running amok"-- actually harm or cheat those that this "revisionist" education is intended to help.

3.Henry's opposition contends that people cannot learn until they think they can; therefore the starting point for education should be building self-esteem.(如果是坚持大学教育完整而有意义,采用这个观点)

4.Henry starts with the assumption that the collective culture of traditional Western Civilization includes the wisdom of humankind. (His opposition calls this established curriculum "the dead white European male" syndrome.) What skills, knowledge, or edge does Henry feel students lose when multicultural offerings are substituted?

5.Test scores support the author's position that American educational standards have declined. He asserts that parents and teachers no longer teach reverence for authority and learning, that schools have become rehabilitation centers making up for social and psychological deficiencies, and that schools focus on bringing slower students up to speed rather than challenging the gifted to move forward.

6.Many people agree that in some cases political correctness has been carried to extremes. Do you agree or disagree ?( 如果同意,那么就是说教育使学生的思想更加的极端和固执.比如日本,学生都不知道到底有没有中国所一直痛诉的那些事情,当然,这个不能写，要写也只能写写别的不要紧的国家......如果不同意，那可以说，教育使人明智,让人明白对错......ANYWAY,我的意思就这样.)

果小冻UID：208370

恩恩,我明天也要总结一下,哈哈
感觉是要语言简练,展开充分,不要用套语,要点到细处,恩恩各个攻击点之间的安排要妥当,每个段落内部的层次要清晰
我说了点空话,哈哈 ,明天总结,分析,恩恩

安婧UID：2156480

同意同意！
阿狗的论证要深入。无论是通篇的短落顺序，还是一段中的句子顺序都要依旧一定的顺序来，不能想起什么说什么。
我现在写阿狗开始画简图了，画了图之后各种顺序各种关系就全理顺了。小小觉得呢？

期待小小明天的研究成果啊！

我可不可以做个链接在我们小组（Sally）的帖子里？感觉小小的这个帖子真的不错。

pioneercpuUID：2139317

ding up

果小冻UID：208370

Originally posted by 安婧 at 2005-12-21 00:37
同意同意！
阿狗的论证要深入。无论是通篇的短落顺序，还是一段中的句子顺序都要依旧一定的顺序来，不能想起什么说什么。
我现在写阿狗开始画简图了，画了图之后各种顺序各种关系就全理顺了。小小觉得呢？

期 ...

当然可以拉,呵呵,我会好好做下去的,把每天的点滴都记录下来,恩恩,只是她太烂了,可能说不好,我们一起讨论,好吗?以后你们的学习体会也留下来,好吗?恩恩,一起努力就温暖的呢.

果小冻UID：208370

Test2
The following appeared as a letter to the editor of a local newspaper.

"Five years ago, we residents of Morganton voted to keep the publicly owned piece of land known as Scott Woods in a natural, undeveloped state.  Our thinking was that, if no shopping centers or houses were built there, Scott Woods would continue to benefit our community as a natural parkland.  But now that our town planning committee wants to purchase the land and build a school there, we should reconsider this issue.  If the land becomes a school site, no shopping centers or houses can be built there, and substantial acreage would probably be devoted to athletic fields.  There would be no better use of land in our community than this, since a large majority of our children participate in sports, and Scott Woods would continue to benefit our community as natural parkland."


6、
This letter to the editor begins by stating the reasons the residents of Morganton voted to keep Scott Woods in an undeveloped state.  The letter states that the entire community could benefit from an undeveloped parkland.  The residents of the town wanted to ensure that no shopping centers or houses would be built there.  This, in turn, would provide everyone in the community with a valuable resource, a natural park.

The letter then continues by addressing the issue of building a school on the land.  The author reasons that this would also benefit the entire community as a natural parkland since much of the land would be devoted to athletic fields.  The author of the letter comes to the conclusion that building a school on the land would be the best thing for everyone in the community. 至此，作者一直在针对原文的内容做归纳工作，似乎不是很简练，对于argument的开头，我一直觉得还是简练的抓住原文的问题所在，用概括的语句明确给出自己的观点，起到一个总领作用，但是对于这篇范文，可能他做的就不是简单的重复原文了，我们可以看到它的结构很清晰，对于原文的每个攻击点都分的很清楚，反而也对下文起到了一个很好的铺垫作用了，我们可以从评论里看到：This outstanding response begins somewhat hesitantly; the opening paragraphs summarize but do not immediately engage the argument.  However, the subsequent paragraphs target the central flaws in the argument and analyze them in almost microscopic detail.
不管怎么说，我们可以学到它对于连接词的把握，显得文章很有条理的说，至于这个开头的问题，我们可以讨论一下



This letter is a one-sided argument aboutthe best use of the land known as Scott Woods.这里让我想到了一个问题，在写argument时候，我们往往会使用一些套话，如open to doubt 之类的话，可是有时反而会显得你的论述空洞和武断，你开头就这么来一句，不好吧。恩恩，范文就不是这样哦，它具体的指到了点上，到底是哪里出的问题。我感觉这个还是很值得借鉴和注意的地方拉  The author may be a parent whose child would benefit from a new school, a teacher who thinks a school would boost the community, or just a resident of Morganton. 这些可能性想的真是细啊，佩服，恩恩，同时也更加扩充了上面的中心句，让文章有血有肉，而不是些堆积的套话，有自己的色彩了 Regardless of who the author is, there are many aspects of this plan that he or she has overlooked or chosen to ignore.一个总结，简练漂亮

Using a piece of land to build a school is not the same thing as using it for a natural parkland. 很不客气地指出了症结所在，句式也简单整齐 While all the members of the community could potentially benefit from a parkland, only a percentage of the population would realistically benefit from a new school.这个句子作为承接上一句，点出了不同之处，且用了一些很精确的词，就让论证更加充实  The author fails to recognize people like the senior citizens of the community.  What interest do they have in a new school? 想的真是细啊，都具体到什么人上来了，一般我们写，也就点到，不是所有人都会得到益处而已吧，恩，差距所在啊 It only means higher taxes for them to pay.  They will likely never to and utilize the school for anything.  On the other hand, anyone can go to a park and enjoy the natural beauty and peacefulness.  The use of the land for a school would destroy the benefit of a park for everyone.  In turn, it would supply a school only to groups of people in exactly the right age range, not too young or too old, to reap the benefits.这个总结句真是漂亮的很，用词，句式都很棒。然后这个段落的连接词用的还是好，层次清清楚楚，每个可能性都想的很细致

Another point the author stresses is that the use of the land for things like athletic fields somehow rationalizes the destruction of the park. 一个点一个点的攻击，显得很有条理，这篇argument的每个攻击点之间的关系不是因果关系，有些并列的感觉，恩，给了我们一些启发 What about children who don't play sports?  Without the school, they could enjoy the land for anything.  A playing field is a playing field.  Children are not going to go out there unless they are into sports.  There are many children in schools who are not interested in or are not able to play sports.  This is yet another group who will be left out of the grand benefits of a school that the author talks about.关于这个点，说实话让我写的话，估计展不开来的，范文就从反面来攻击，做的很妙，让人无法反击了

The author's conclusion that "there would be no better use of land in our community than this...""is easily arguable.   The destruction of Scott Woods for the purpose of building a school would not only affect the ambience of Morganton, it would affect who would and would not be able to utilize the space. 这个句子很好的对上面的内容做了总结 If the residents as a whole voted to keep Scott Woods in an undeveloped state, this argument will not sway their decision.  The use of the land for a school will probably benefit even less people than a shopping center would.  The whole purpose of the vote was to keep the land as an asset for everyone.  The only way to do this is to keep it in an undeveloped state.  Using the land for a school does not accomplish this.指出了问题所在，再次佩服范文的细致之处了
这个范文和我们平时写的有些不同，它是针对一个主要问题，再展开来攻击的，每个都是小点，每个点都很细致，每个可能性都提到了，并且用词用句很灵活，前后也有照应，一点都不拖沓

COMMENTARY
This outstanding response begins somewhat hesitantly; the opening paragraphs summarize but do not immediately engage the argument.  However, the subsequent paragraphs target the central flaws in the argument and analyze them in almost microscopic detail.这个地方值得注意

The writer's main rebuttal points out that "using a piece of land to build a school is not the same thing as using it for natural parkland."  Several subpoints develop this critique, offering perceptive reasons to counter the argument's unsubstantiated assumptions.  This is linked to a related discussion that pointedly exposes another piece of faulty reasoning: that using land for athletic fields "rationalizes the destruction of the park."

The extensively developed and organically organized analysis continues into a final paragraph that takes issue with the argument's conclusion that "there would be no better use of land in our community than this."

Diction and syntax are varied and sophisticated, and the writer is fully in control of the standard conventions.  While there may be stronger papers that merit a score of 6, this essay demonstrates insightful analysis, cogent development, and mastery of writing. It clearly earns a 6.

果小冻UID：208370

不过今天分析的范文真的有点另类的拉,恩恩,期待大家一起讨论呢!!!等待中

安婧UID：2156480

哪位可爱善良细心体贴的斑竹给小小的这个帖子加个精吧！那样计较好找的说。

小小的进程真快啊！我在写作文，等下回来看。

virginia730UID：208873

小小好勤奋~~~！！学习恩

果小冻UID：208370

我自己感觉argument写到最后好象在语言上会有些枯燥,呵呵,可能是我的水平问题,不管怎样积累些好的句子总是好的,恩恩，找到个总结的帖子很好
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... Dtype%26typeid%3D59

果小冻UID：208370

1.        The mere(纯粹的，起码的，仅仅的) fact that ticket sales in recent years for screenplay（电影剧本）-based movies have exceeded those for book-based movies is insufficient（不足的，不够的） evidence to conclude(show, prove, illustrate（举例说明）, demonstrate(证明，论证，示范)) that writing screenplays now provides greater financial opportunity for writers.
A这个事实（概念）并不足以证明B这个事实（概念）其实关于这个句子，我还能学到怎么避免套话，说的具体
2.        It is possible that fees paid by movie studios for screenplays will decrease in the future relative to those for book rights.两个事物有相同或者类似变化趋势时候使用，哈哈，学到的|

3.        The argument fails to rule out(划去，排除，取消) the possibility that a writer engages in（参加，使从事于）both types of writing as well as other writer.
这个论述并没有排除。。。的可能性哈哈我会的啦，老套的话了哇
4．In any event(无论如何), the advertisement provides no justification(理由) for the mutually（互相地，互助）exclusive（排外的，独占的，唯一的）choice that it imposes on（利用，欺骗，施加影响于）the writer.

5． The argument simply equates(treat) success with(as the indication of) movie ticket sales, which is unwarranted（无根据的，无保证的）.
作者简单的把A和B划上了等号（简单的把A等同于B）
6． The author assumes (make assumption) that physical capabilities are the only attribute（品质，特征，属性） necessary to operate a motor vehicl
作者假定物理性能是对运转机动车所必须的唯一属性
7．Moreover(此外), the author provides no evidence that the realism（现实主义） of color photography（摄影，摄影术） is the reason for its predominance（优势）.
   此外，作者没能提供证据证明A就是B的原因。这句给我的启示还是关于怎么避免套话的拉
8．This assumption presents（提出，呈现，介绍） a false dilemma(进退两难的局面，困难的选择), since the two media are not necessarily mutually exclusive（互斥的） alternatives（事物，二中择一，可供选择的办法）.

9．Common sense（常识） tells us that a photographer can succeed by working in both media.
   常识告诉我们。。。（不理性的，最好不用）
10．The argument ignores the factors—such as initiative（主动）, creativity（创造，创造力）, technical skills, and business judgment（判断）—that may be more important than the choice of medium（媒体） in determining success in photograph怎么很好的把展开融在一个长句里面.

[ Last edited by 果小冻 on 2005-12-21 at 18:19 ]

果小冻UID：208370

西西,翻到一个好帖子,恩恩，关于例子的,准备一会回来学习一下,先留连接
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... ght=%2B%C4%BE%B6%FA