topic 166 请大家多多指教

夜一UID: 2130338

555，为什么斑竹明明说很好写的，我写了那么久才写出来
为什么每次一些到社会方面的就文思枯竭，而且难以成文
好歹写出来了，请大家多多指教


Topic: People recognize a difference between children and adults. What events (experience or ceremonies) make a person an adult? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your opinion.

We notice many differences between children and adults. Children are always small, weak, and thus need to depend on adults. Adults are usually big, strong, and thus support themselves and others, especially the children. With one’s age increasing, a child will become an adult, from a person supported by others to the one supporting others. Countless events occur during that progress, and some of them make a person an adult most significantly, as I see.

First, leaving one’s own parents and beginning to arrange one’s own daily life make a person live like an adult. While parents get everything done, children, on the contrary, are always carefree. They need not to know how to prepare dinner, how to wash clothes, or how to divide their time into parts of studying, playing, and resting. However, when one leaves his parents, it is necessary for him to learn cooking, cleaning, and working out his own time schedule. He should care about himself, get along with others, and solve various kinds of problems with his own ability rather than his parents’. He is much less dependent on his parents than he used to, and begins to deal with many of his personal affairs like an adult.

Then earning one’s own life makes a person generally an adult. A student is still supported by his parents financially. When one gains his own incoming, he can support himself and others, instead of being supported. From that time on, one is not a child any more.

And finally, becoming one of the parents makes a person an accomplished adult. A well-known old saying is “children are always children in front of their parents”. Only when one begins to have his own children, can he really understand the various aspects of an adult, including feelings, qualities, and responsibilities. One will experience preparing dinner and washing clothes for his children, telling them when to play and how to study, and looking at them with unspeakable feelings when they are about to leave.

Children depend on adults. Living away from parents makes one almost independent in his daily life. Earning for oneself makes one independent financially, and thus get rid of the characteristics of a child. Becoming one of the parents eventually makes one an adult. These are the most important events that make a person an adult.

powerpycUID: 2180236

1.Children are always small, weak这里small是不是改用little捏??
2.and thus support themselves and others感觉这里thus不太合适,能不能换成in this way??
3. and some of them make a person an adult most significantly, as I see.====→and some are most significant for makeing a person an adult,as i see.
4.They need not to know how to prepare dinner语法错误~they do not need to know---
5. it is necessary for him to learn cooking是偶的话就在him后加个(or her),因为不知道光说he的话会不会有人找性别歧视的茬-_-'
6. like an adult用like?恩恩
7.“children are always children in front of their parents”. 谚语吖,偶喜欢
顺便带一句,偶觉得文章的结构写得很好,嘿嘿

偶的一点拙见,估计有不少不合理的地方,希望大家也帮忙看看撒

[ 本帖最后由 powerpyc 于 2006-4-16 11:17 编辑 ]

夜一UID: 2130338

非常感谢指正~
嗯，以后一定记得在he的后面加上(or her)，为了不让ETS找茬
另外要更注意语法，偶总是写阿写的就给忽略了
那个结构啊，昨天弄了好久才搞定，发完贴之后已然不行了，现在听到人夸奖总算是值得了，再次表示感谢

powerpycUID: 2180236

啊啊,那个东东偶不太清楚,偶也是想着想着才在one后面加了个(or she)的..汗

rachelliUID: 2153113

我觉得First, leaving one’s own parents and beginning to arrange one’s own daily life make a person live like an adult. While parents get everything done, children, on the contrary, are always carefree. They need not to know how to prepare dinner, how to wash clothes, or how to divide their time into parts of studying, playing, and resting. However, when one leaves his parents, it is necessary for him to learn cooking, cleaning, and working out his own time schedule. He should care about himself, get along with others, and solve various kinds of problems with his own ability rather than his parents’. He is much less dependent on his parents than he used to, and begins to deal with many of his personal affairs like an adult比我写的好！（主要是例子）

这一方面要想你学的，但是在描写成人的方面是不是有些不太突出，好像比例有些失衡！偶的一点拙见,估计有不少不合理的地方。

再有就是帮忙拍一下偶的，连接如下（多提意见！感激）

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

夜一UID: 2130338

嗯，谢谢，偶也想多写一些的，无奈挖空心思写不出来，乱写又怕出错，尤其怕跑题（大概是bbs混得太多，灌水太多的恶习，一扯就不知道哪去了）
希望能从大家那里学到更多的东西
哎，悲哀的理科生。。。

夜一UID: 2130338

呵呵，过奖了
其实我用的例子从头到尾都只有cooking, cleaning, and timing
只是尝试着用不同的方式去说，一来不会让人觉得厌烦，二来希望得到一种强调的效果
这整篇文章的思路，就是先明确children和adult的区别：being supported and support others，然后论述了三点内容，说明这三点是怎样让一个人从being supported到able to support others，于是等同于从child到adult
值得庆幸的是TWE不需要太为严密的逻辑，否则更加写不出来了
即使如此，还是费了好大的劲
一开始的时候，三个论述短的开头都写成了
when one ..., one...
后来发现全错，这样根本和跑题无异，人家没问什么时候child能变成adult，而是问什么是child变成adult
一身冷汗之下，赶紧把句型改成了
... makes one ...
虽然内容是一样的，给人的感觉就完全不一样了
在这里看了好几篇之后，发觉这种跑题似乎是一个普遍的现象，166确实不如上次的5好写，在这里算是给大家提个醒吧，一定要紧扣ETS的题目，不然就算语言再好，被扣上跑题的帽子谁也吃不消

优雅芝兰UID: 2195348

感觉楼主写得太好了，用了很多现在分词，动名词，以及好几个排比，倒装也有了，我最欣赏的就是名次性的排比句，读的时候是一种享受啊！！！！！

lanccyUID: 2156906

楼主的结构我很欣赏啊！
帮我看看我的吧
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... e%3D2#pid1768453980

夜一UID: 2130338

继续交作业，topic170，虽然只要求提纲，但是想到自己练得太少，还是写了全文，也请大家多多指教，谢谢先

Groups and organizations exist everywhere in the world. Each and every of us is more or less associated with groups or organizations, from one’s own family to the United Nations. Groups and organizations are essential to people. They make people more powerful, intelligent, and well-cooperating.

First of all, groups and organizations offer people the opportunity to help with each other, and thus make them stronger. Everyone knows that breaking three sticks together is much harder than breaking them one by one. Similarly, a group of people make them selves more powerful as a whole, even though they remain pretty weak separately. They are supported by each other, and fight against enemies together. Once they are united, they are no longer afraid of tigers, pumas, or lions. Once they are united, they are no longer afraid of drought, flood, and hurricane. Once they are united, they are no longer afraid of evils.

Secondly, groups and organizations act as a platform for people to communicate with each other, and therefore enable them to become more intelligent. There goes an old saying, “At least one of every three people can be my teacher.” One gets knowledge and information from others and become wiser. Groups and organizations manage to bring a number of people together, and provide them countless chances to communicate with each other. Organizations of academics have thrived numerous brunches of science, such as astronomy, meteorology, mathematics, biology, and so on.

Furthermore, groups and organizations teach people to cooperate better. When realizing the importance and consequent profit of being united, people will not return to lonely lives, for sure. As a result of being stronger and wiser, they can better understand the importance of cooperation, and search for better ways to cooperate with each other. A better cooperation will then feed back on these people, that is, make them more and more powerful and intelligent.

In a word, groups and organizations are extremely important to people. They cause people to become stronger and clever, and eventually make our human civilization flourish.

扁舟子001UID: 204048

Once they are united, they are no longer afraid of tigers, pumas, or lions. Once they are united, they are no longer afraid of drought, flood, and hurricane. Once they are united, they are no longer afraid of evils.

我个人觉得这个排比用的很好，如果能在段尾在总结一句，则感觉更好。

夜一UID: 2130338

谢谢扁舟子的意见，以后在论述短的结尾加以总结

DidoyUID: 2181213

我以前在XDF上课的时候，作文老师曾经说不建议大家用很多谚语或者别人说过的话。。。说ETS不欣赏这个。。。我看夜一的几篇文章都有用到谚语什么的。。。所以提醒你一下。。。也不一定对。。。
我的170放在我们组里了，请夜一帮忙看看吧！

undoerlcUID: 194641

原帖由 Didoy 于 2006-4-19 16:58 发表
我以前在XDF上课的时候，作文老师曾经说不建议大家用很多谚语或者别人说过的话。。。说ETS不欣赏这个。。。我看夜一的几篇文章都有用到谚语什么的。。。所以提醒你一下。。。也不一定对。。。
我的170放在我们组 ...

个人觉得不要用太多就行，论证方法多样化一些比较好，在论证上，个人认为名人名言的确属于比较弱的证明方法，说理，举例子和列数据都属于比较强的，同样是名人，写成经历的事情比说过的话更强论证一些