argument147 义务反复小组第一次作业

yuviUID: 2169411

KITTY的:

1)        对调查有效性的质疑
2）对推断“10－25岁是最喜欢玩游戏的年龄段”论断的质疑
3）即使面对的顾客最大，但能否成功推广还受其他因素影响：如价格、同类产品、盈利比率。
（我觉得没有必要质疑10-25是最喜欢玩游戏的年龄段啊。。。好象这种commonsense是不用质疑的吧？）The author's conclusion bases on a survey: if you are a video-game player ,what is the most important feature you will cancer? Obviously, the statistical evidence of the survey upon which the argument relies is too vague to be uninformative .I will share my point view in three aspects.

To begin with, the veniality of the poll is open to doubt.（不建议用这样没有实际内容的话来作为TS） We are told nothing about the way the poll was conducted and how well it represents the public opinion. Supposing that this poll was conducted in a college campus, the samples are confined to the people ranged from 18 to 25 years old .It is obvious that the echo might be the expected answers. Furthermore, the argument fails to indicate what portion of the people surveyed actually responded. If, for instance, 500 subjects were surveyed but no more than 25 echoed, the representation of the results will be of highly suspicion. Unless the above questions are answered, the results are worthless to support the conclusion.（结尾也不建议用这样没有实际内容的话来混字数哈，举例子不错，但是这样的自圆其说的举例方式可以安排在客观逻辑错误的后面吧？---我的意思是，第一段不建议自己举例子来论证）

Secondly, the author offers no compelling evidence to validate the assumption that people aged from 18-29 are most likely to play video-game. It is entirely possible that young people were more willing to respond the survey than other people were. Common sense tell us there is a growing number of middle-aged people prefer to playing video-games as way to relieve heavy pressure from. Regardless of these kinds of customs, the assumption will lead to immature conclusion.（我个人不建议写这个观点，理由见提纲）

Thirdly, the author commits a fallacy of hasty generalization. （此TS太笼统）Even if their products have a glorious future since it aims to the most scale of customers, it does not necessarily follow well selling. Other factors possibly have contributed to the performance of its marketing. For instance, price is the priority factor to think when people decide to punches game softs（video games就可以了啊，写soft反而让人误会为software）.If the prices of their products are so high that few people can afford（假设的很好，但是表达过于口语化了）, they may be experience a hard time as soon as putting into the market. Without ruling out these and other possiblies, the author can't confidently conclude that the sells of the video games are likely to increase in the next few months.（最后一段写考虑其他的原因，价钱，分析的很仔细）

In sum, the conclusion of this argument is invalid and probably misleading. Compressive analysis is necessary to identify the actual cause of lowered profitability. Any decision aimed at enhance the selling must be relied on more thorough investigation to gather sufficient data and more detailed plan to promotion. Only with these effective measures can the Whirlwind Company acquire expected performance in the future.（最后一句话没有看懂）
总结：

KITTY也是第一次写吧，呵呵。套用的痕迹很严重哈。TS应该是很占分量的环节，也是全段论述的基础。下次可以把正文要评论的东西都写完了再慢慢总结TS，可能会比用没有实际内容的TS好一些吧。这是我的意见。
恩，有的客观分析是很有说服力的，比如价钱那段。：）

yuviUID: 2169411

VIKING的:

Based upon a survey indicated the most important feature in a video game was lifelike graphics, which required the most up-to-date computer, the arguer concluded that the sales trend of whirlwind was about to reversed for it introduced such games, superficially. the arguer assumes that people will surely buy what they like （表达过于口语化了）and player at all ages（题目有说“all-ages”吗？） has the same taste in video games（这句话好象是臆断，题目没有说到的前提ages，taste，等等我觉得没有必要自己提出来，不然有点搬起石头砸自己的脚了哈）. A careful examination of this argument would review how groundless the conclusion is.

Two problems have to do with the survey's methodology. First, unless the surveyors sample a sufficient number of players and did so randomly across the entire video game player spectrum, the survey results are not reliable to gauge the favorite feature of the players generally. for example the sample included only girls, then maybe the results would probably no doubt suggest higher preference in lifelike graphics（用性别来说事有些牵强）. Another problem is that the editorial neglects to indicate how recently the survey was actually conducted. When samples are used to make general claims about a particular group, the samples should be close enough in time to the generalization they are use to support, so that historical change will not invalidate the generalization.（题目里有说是“recent survey”，所以我觉得这段没有必要出现哈）

According to the survey, the editorial conclude the sales of whirlwind will increase. （这个安排的顺序好象有点问题吧，上面才置疑了survey一整段，这里又according to 了？）The arguer take for granted that while people prefer high quality graphics to low quality ones will certainly buy the game which requires the most up-to-date computer. While in fact there are a lot more to consider while consumers do a purchase. Is it worthy to buy a new computer or change for a new show card（what’s a show card？） just for a new game in which they can enjoy the lifelike graphics? It remains a question.（argument里建议不要用提出问题的方式来作为反驳哈）
At last we see, in order to increase the market share whirlwind made extensive advertisement directed at people aged from 10 to 25, for this age-group most likely to play video games, while this has no solid evidence. （怎么每个人都拿10-25来说事呢？不如大家来讨论一下看有没有必要用年龄作为反驳？呵呵，我现在已经觉得是众口铄金了）Even though it is reasonable, we would argue that it is not sufficient. For one thing, we don't know what the player in this age would choose as priority. People in different age prefer to different things, maybe completely different from the general players, for example, player in the age between 10 and 25, will put background music in the first place while general people consider the graphic is the most important.  


To sum up, the evidence cited in the argument is vague and incomplete, thus does not lend strong support to the conclusion that the arguer maintain. To better evaluate this editorial we need more information concerning what certain players do like as well as their economic ability. Furthermore, the arguer would have to find out the real reason that cause the sales of whirlwind to decline over the past two years.

总结：

Viking的语言表达很不错。结构也挺清楚。而且基本上没有用错的词句（就是要注意一下太过口语化的表达哈），文章衔接也很自然流畅。（相信你的ISSUE肯定会写的不错：）
但是你的论点似乎把握很不好。（你所说的三个反驳点我只能勉强赞同第二个）
其实ARGU可以先写中文提纲，然后再动笔的。
先用中文的逻辑思考个10几20篇的，大家应该都可以马上找到写argument的反驳套路。：）

[ 本帖最后由 yuvi 于 2006-5-8 01:34 编辑 ]

yuviUID: 2169411

PK的:

The argument concludes that Whirlwind video games might be sold very well in the next few months（晕，开头一个大白话啊？出售W公司拉？？呵呵）. To justify this, the author provides a survey of video-game players and the fact that Whirlwind has done an extensive advertising campaign in order to introduce several lifelike graphics games. However, there are several flaws in this argument, as follows.

Firstly, the fact that  the sales of Whirlwind  video games   have descended over the past two years may reflect that Whirlwind  video games have poor quality ,or services of Whirlwind are bad after selling video games, or Whirlwind  video games don't  have enough competition.（恩，考虑公司销售下降的自身原因，观点完全同意，就是这个TS也忒长了吧？而且也不像是写学术英语） If so, there may be no increase in the sales of Whirlwind video games , on the contrary, its sales of Whirlwind  video games might decline.（第一段才两句话？BS一下：P）

Secondly, the survey of  video-game players doesn't（不要用缩写形式） have representative. Because the author doesn't （注意缩写）provide some informations about video-game players took part in the survey of video games, including their age, occupations and the kinds of games they are interested in. It is impossible that  video-game players joined  in survey love to play lifelike graphics games in order to release pressure from their professions , or only those players like to play  lifelike graphics games took part in this survey（前面对于survey的质疑完全同意，从impossible开始有点武断，不建议在argument里用这样的表达）.  those players who are not  interested in playing lifelike graphics games may be not surveyed. Even if  all players like playing lifelike graphics games, these players may not buy Whirlwind video games ,because there are a lot of companies producing  lifelike graphics games competing with  Whirlwind company. （这段观点提出很厉害，一环接一环的反驳，表达好点就perfect了）

Thirdly, the  extensive advertising campaign in order to introduce several lifelike graphics games may be ineffective. To begin with, 10 to 25 years old people are  mostly  students mainly relying on their parents, so maybe they can't afford to play video games requiring most up-to-date computers. （质疑年轻人的购买能力，完全同意）Furthermore, the argument has no indication about the contents of Whirlwind video games, because unhealthy contents of Whirlwind video games will be banned for immature persons  lower than 18 years old .（这个further有点牵强吧…………）

Finally, whether the increase of Whirlwind video games or not mainly depends on the law of market（the law of market？呵呵~~） . when people need  Whirlwind video games badly and have capability to purchase Whirlwind video games , the sales will increase. To contrast, the sales of Whirlwind video games will decrease with people's needs to  Whirlwind video games falling.（有点经济学原理的意思，我不是学经济学的，不知道是不是这样？觉得这个观点很好，也有那么些道理，是我们都没有想到的，赞。就是表达得不是很清楚） so the conclusion of this argument has no persuasion.

In sum, this argument's conclusion can't（注意不要用缩写） persuade me in some aspects. so the  author should provide me  the sufficient datum concerning   video-game players took part in the survey and the effect of  extensive advertising campaign to absorb 10 to 25 years old people to purchase  Whirlwind video games.


总结：

PK的思路很厉害，每个观点我都赞同。而且文章反驳的逻辑也很有条理。PFPF！
就是开头第一句话太杀风景了。。。还有就是注意一些语言的表达：）

yuviUID: 2169411

第一次作业批改进度:

截止到8号凌晨,加我自己在内只有两个人改了作业..:L

剩余同学的速度太慢了...所以我花了1个半小时改了剩下来的4篇文章,时间所限,再加上大晚上难免视觉疲劳,我一个人的思维和判断能力也有限,所以对于修改作业难免有纰漏之处.
请大家批评指正.:)


还有要说一下的是,我发现了有些同学是初次(或者刚开始写AWA),所以不知道该从哪里下手改别人的.这点完全可以了解,因为我们都是从生手一步步走出来的.

但是也提醒大家,下次写完了文章请按照我们制定的修改顺序,按时互改作文.
因为要保障我们这个团队的进度,只有大家都按时完成任务才得以将这个互改小组发展下去.
而大家写出来的文章如果没有经过修改和反思,那写再多效果也是白费了.
一个人的思维总是有限,但是人多起来就可以充分利用各自的优势资源,取长补短,才得以可持续发展的进步.

既然我们都选择了GRE,都准备将AWA拿下,那么,就请不要为自己在今天能够把握住的环节找任何借口.
WHERE IS A WILL, THERE IS A WAY.
大家都能够在这个共同的时期为一个共同的目标而奋斗也是一种缘分吧.
既然能够留在这里的人,都是已经提交了作业参与到小组中来的同学,那么也请遵照互改的原则,按时完成任务..


不好意思,大晚上罗嗦地说了这么一大堆,想必大家看起来也会花不少的时间.
那么我总结一下吧,一个木桶的容积取决于最短的那一片.
希望我们能够发扬团队精神,共同走过AWA的这一段路程...
谢谢大家..:):)


PS一下:
小组具体的章程这两天会定出来,大概超过2次没有写/改,或者迟交的同学,很抱歉,我们要将你拒之门外了.(有的同学可能担心自己是新手,无法给别人意见.但是请相信,每个人都是从新手走出来的.尝试改改别人的语法错误/提纲错误/句词错误等等,只要开始看别人的文章,吸收好的方面,总结出不足的地方.组建互改,彼此进步的目的也就达到了)

yuviUID: 2169411

最后我再写个第一次作业的小结吧,汗,:L我今天真的好罗嗦,不好意思啊,各位TX,我不是闲得没事干大晚上来训话..呵呵.相反我明天还有一个考试..sigh..:(:(

只是我觉得总得有人来做这些工作,我改了5篇文章,这次还算有点发言权的吧.:)
大家可以由此小结有针对性的看改过的东西,(因为大部分是我一个的想法,没有太大参考价值)

argument 147 应该算是一般难度的题目吧.
我改文章的时候发现了一个特别明显问题,就是有好几个人都拿10-25岁是否为最喜欢玩游戏这个问题来说事,
但在我的观点认为,这一条是题目已知的客观信息.没有必要反驳.(既common sense)
而且进行反驳的同学找的论据大多不在理.有找茬的嫌疑.

另外我觉得论点写得比较好的是PK的,虽然他的开头让人看得大跌眼镜,但是思路非常清晰,论点安排很合理,逻辑错误也很准确,还有大家都没有提到的论点.所以个人觉得PK是这次写得比较合条理的文章了.(不知道PK能不能够把自己文章的中文提纲列一下放上来给大家参考呢?呵呵,如果可以的话,先谢谢你了)

然后语句比较好的是viking,全文非常流畅(是在不考虑论点的前提下哈:))我几乎是一气呵成看完的.很不错.就是口语化的表达要向书面语转变.



恩,这次作业就这样吧.要特别说明的是我自身水平有限,所以评论不周之处请大家及时指出.
关于这次作业还有什么问题,请在后面跟贴说明.

还有就是请大家在群里关注星期二要交的ISSUE吧.:)

AnddieUID: 2135826

不好意思，前几天电脑坏掉了，所以没能及时改作文。
向芹菜同志学习！


下面是改kittywen_16的
由于我比较菜，大家就批判地看吧。


The author's conclusion bases on a survey: if you are a video-game player ,what is the most important feature you will cancer（呵呵，打错了吧）? Obviously, the statistical evidence of the survey upon which the argument relies is too vague to be uninformative（这句意思反了）.I will share my point view in three aspects.（文章第一段大多要复述原论述的主张，或点明逻辑错误。这一点上kitty还需改进。第2，3两句会给人一种印象就是你要用三点来证明那个survey是vague的）

To begin with, the veniality of the poll is open to doubt. We are told nothing about the way the poll was conducted and how well it represents the public opinion. Supposing that this poll was conducted in a college campus, the samples are confined to the people ranged from 18 to 25 years old（年龄错误） .It is obvious that the echo might be the expected answers. Furthermore, the argument fails to indicate what portion of the people surveyed actually responded. （与其这样不如直接说明有效样本的数量未知）If, for instance, 500 subjects were surveyed but no more than 25 echoed, the representation of the results will be of highly suspicion. Unless the above questions are answered, the results are worthless（这个词有点严重） to support the conclusion.

Secondly, the author offers no compelling evidence to validate the assumption that people aged from 18-29 are most likely to play video-game. It is entirely possible that young people（这里要加限定是younger than 18，否则有逻辑问题） were more willing to respond the survey than other people were. （这句话好像还是偏重于讲survey的问题，与上一段重复）Common sense tell us there is a growing number of middle-aged people prefer to playing video-games as way to relieve heavy pressure from.（这点需要加以证明，如果能证明将会是很好的论据，否则会削弱文章的说服力） Regardless of these kinds of customs, the assumption will lead to immature conclusion.

Thirdly, the author commits a fallacy of hasty generalization. Even if their products have a glorious future since it aims to the most scale of customers, it does not necessarily follow well selling. Other factors possibly have contributed to the performance of its marketing. For instance, price is the priority factor to think when people decide to punches game softs.If the prices of their products are so high that few people can afford, they may be experience a hard time as soon as putting into the market（恐怕不只是a hard time，而是从始至终的滞销，因为你前面说是priority factor）. Without ruling out（这个词好像有点问题） these and other possiblies, the author can't confidently conclude that the sells of the video games are likely to increase in the next few months.（本段应该再详细些，只举了一个价格因素显得论证力度不够）

In sum, the conclusion of this argument is invalid and probably misleading. Compressive analysis is necessary to identify the actual cause of lowered profitability. （这点文章中没有提）Any decision aimed at enhance the selling must be relied on more thorough investigation to gather sufficient data and more detailed plan to promotion（what promotion？ ）.Only with these effective measures can the Whirlwind Company acquire expected performance in the future.


总结：

本文基本上符合aug的要求，抓住了题目中的最重要的错误来反驳。

不足之处：
1。结构还有待改进，尤其是开头应该写的再多些，并点名主要的错误。
2。有一些句子不够严谨，每个分论点内部的逻辑关系还不是很清楚。同时对错误的分析应该再充分一些。建议kitty再仔细思考一下各个错误的原因，logically。
3。语言上，有一些语法错，同时很多词的使用也不是很恰当，这一点我没有标出来，不过希望kitty在写时留意一下。可以背一些文章来提高，如新概念哈。

天边一朵云UID: 2157330

く莞尔ㄍ^^是个好MM，一个人改那么多篇，而且还主动承担起了组里很多工作，感动ing！

kittywen_16UID: 2135347

多些Anddie的批改，我要加油了