issue130 [黄金十二宫] 第十九次作业

微末三月UID: 205072

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: 597         TIME: 修改总耗时1:34:00        DATE: 2006-7-12

Children are representatives of the hardcore of tomorrow and they determine the trend of develop in the future. Yet lacking whole realization about the education to help children treat society in a beneficial way, we did not do well at this term before. In other words, I agree with the author basically.

To begin with, the process of socialization is significant to children’s pullulation in many aspects such as learning how to communicate and cooperate with others better or constructing responsibility of society and self-esteem. Nobody can survive without other’s intercourse or help in this world and we all know that adaptability to new surroundings in childhood is one of most obvious characteristics of the young. If children did not acquire enough skills of communication, they will be inclined to feel lonely all the time and even more serious, dereism when growing up. Besides, it is crucial for children to adapt to this society for everyone benefit from this world possess the responsibility to redound upon, and sometimes this responsibility determines trend of development in the future. Lacking or possess contorted necessary duty of society, they will lead to abnormal philosophy of life.

However, socialization will result in some unwanted side-effects as the process begins too young or lacks appropriate guide of elderships. As the development of the industry, technology has been rooted in all corners of our lives. Everyone can gain a large mount of useful information by watching television and magazines or surfing on the internet, along with the bad ones. Because children are too young to possess certain experience of living in society, sometimes they cannot distinguish baneful things from beneficial ones. For example, influenced by manic music made by heave metal bands called Marilyn Manson, two students studying in high school shoot their classmates which lead to many casualties. If the parents or other elderships pay sufficient attention to their kids, similar tragedies might be avoid.

In order to safeguard the children will grow along benign and well-balanced way, schools and parents play the most important roles in this term. If the schools pay too much attention on grade and the percentage of how many students can entry the higher schools, sometimes inevitablely ignore the normal training in ethic and personality of children which are beneficial for children to entry the society. Delightfully, there are more and more educators have realized this problem. They set up appropriate socialized practices, such as take part in activity in community where they are living. Similarly, parents should cooperate with school in educating.

Moreover, except the school and parent, the process of socialization of children needs attention and assist from the whole society. I have heard of an authentic thing happened in German. An old man noticed that a little boy was fishing. He came and asked how old he was for in German children younger than twelve cannot fish considering their security. When the answer was eligible, the old man asked a series of questions about requests in fishing such as how long fishhook was. Surprisingly, this man did not know the kid at all. If the whole society can impart enough attention like this man, maybe all the tragedy involved children will not take place.

In sum, the process of socialization is crucial to children’s normal pullulation as it can be beneficial to many indispensable aspects. Yet, it will result in some bad consequences if children are too young or lack effective guide. Except the parents and school, the whole society should pay enough attention to this process for children are hopes of the future.

bhnUID: 2177959

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: 597         TIME: 修改总耗时1:34:00        DATE: 2006-7-12

Children are representatives of the hardcore of tomorrow and they determine the trend of develop（deveplopment） in the future. Yet lacking whole realization about the education to help children treat society in a beneficial way, we did not do well at this term before. In other words, I agree with the author basically.
第一段说社会化有很大的意义，第二段又说社会化也有副作用。第三段说需要保证健康的社会化，家长和学校应该发挥很大作用。第四段，社会都应该努力。逻辑上很好，很有层次。


To begin with, the process of socialization is significant to children’s pullulation in many aspects such as learning how to communicate and cooperate with others better or constructing responsibility of society and self-esteem. Nobody can survive without other’s intercourse or help in this world and we all know that adaptability to new surroundings in childhood is one of most obvious characteristics of the young. If children did not acquire enough skills of communication, they will be inclined to feel lonely all the time and even more serious, dereism when growing up. Besides, it is crucial for children to adapt to this society for everyone benefit from this world possess the responsibility to redound upon, and sometimes this responsibility determines trend of development in the future. Lacking or possess contorted necessary duty of society, they will lead to abnormal philosophy of life.
这一段论证socialization的重要性，索然分析的不错，但整段都是理论的说教，没有证据支持，the process of socialization is significant to children’s pullulation怎么有益的？they will be inclined to feel lonely all the time and even more serious, dereism when growing up.这个也没有证据支持。我感觉issue最重要的每一个观点都要有证据支持，没有就会被认为是空谈，论证无力（个人认识）。最后一句完全看不懂了，太长了，不知道你论述孩子社会化跟将来社会状况的关系了没有。

However, socialization will result in some unwanted side-effects as the process begins too young or lacks appropriate guide of elderships. As the development of the industry, technology has been rooted in all corners of our lives. Everyone can gain a large mount of useful information by watching television and magazines or surfing on the internet, along with the bad ones. Because children are too young to possess certain experience of living in society, sometimes they cannot distinguish baneful things from beneficial ones. For example, influenced by manic music made by heave metal bands called Marilyn Manson, two students studying in high school shoot their classmates which lead to many casualties. If the parents or other elderships pay sufficient attention to their kids, similar tragedies might be avoid.
看电视听音乐也算socialization?我不太清楚， 我觉得看电视这个跟主题关系不大，可能是个人理解不同。你这里没有给socialization下自己的定义， 所以就不知道是什么，读者就不好理解。最好下个定义，你自己的理解，这样就可以逼迫读者按你的定义去理解问题。
In order to safeguard the children will grow along benign and well-balanced way, schools and parents play the most important roles in this term. If the schools pay too much attention on grade and the percentage of how many students can entry the higher schools, sometimes inevitablely ignore the normal training in ethic and personality of children which are beneficial for children to entry the society. Delightfully, there are more and more educators have realized this problem. They set up appropriate socialized practices, such as take part in activity in community where they are living. Similarly, parents should cooperate with school in educating.
没有说现在的现状，你只用了一个假设条件If the schools pay too much attention on grade and the percentage of how many students can entry the higher schools。这是假设不能对题目中Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
进行回应，到底现状是什么。你应该说教育现状的确是不容乐观的。

Moreover, except the school and parent, the process of socialization of children needs attention and assist from the whole society. I have heard of an authentic thing happened in German. An old man noticed that a little boy was fishing. He came and asked how old he was for in German children younger than twelve cannot fish considering their security. When the answer was eligible, the old man asked a series of questions about requests in fishing such as how long fishhook was. Surprisingly, this man did not know the kid at all. If the whole society can impart enough attention like this man, maybe all the tragedy involved children will not take place.
只说了老人很关系不认识的孩子，但是这根孩子的成长的关系你还没有直接点出。距离后应该分析一下，这对孩子成长的影响，如何使孩子受益，怎么就避免悲剧了

In sum, the process of socialization is crucial to children’s normal pullulation as it can be beneficial to many indispensable aspects. Yet, it will result in some bad consequences if children are too young or lack effective guide. Except the parents and school, the whole society should pay enough attention to this process for children are hopes of the future.
总起来说还是很好的，只是论证过程中例证太少了，只有在最后一点上使用的例证，其他的都在说理，也没有用其他的论证方法，类比论证，引用之类的，关于青少年成长，可以应用一些研究调查结果，不过也不太好找，要不就编一些调查，嘿嘿，更有说服力一些。用一个调查可以很好的支持者一个观点they will be inclined to feel lonely all the time and even more serious, dereism when growing up，就说某学校心理系对青少年进行了此项研究，结果是。。。