我的ps（修改后的在14楼）。。。请大家给点意见

DidoyUID: 2181213

这是初稿，修改后的全稿在14楼，新插入的部分在12楼
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要求：
In English, describe your educational interests and goals, educational background, special interests, and plans for when you return to your home country. Include any information you would like the Admissions Committee to be aware of, including any extenuating circumstances. You must write this statement yourself without help from others.
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我的ps:
Born into an ideal family, have highly-educated parents, went to the best elementary school and the best high school in the area, learned music and took part in performances since I was very young, took charge of various school activities…… it’s me, a girl who was gained many honors admired by students of the same age and often praised by teachers. But, beneath the gloss of brilliance success was a terrible twenty-year. In the past decade, I even nearly lost myself. Where am I? What is my dream career? Why do I study so hard? I seemed to be caught up in a whirling vortex of competition and flooded with test marks, awards, homework, textbooks……

& N/ a5 ~& i. Y1 @- S+ lWhere do the roots of this horrible situation lie? They lie within the tragic flaw of childhood education: parents are constantly striving for something to be proud of. At a dinner party, parents brag about what exceptional grades and awards their children have recently acquired. Other families retaliate by describing how late their children stay up at night doing homework. Even the host draws attention to her son’s computer competition awards displayed prominently in the living room. But what happens to those parents whose children don’t excel enough? They can’t get a word in edgewise, wishing that they were some insignificant piece of dust in the corner of the room. These parents, however, making their children the most pitiful ones, buy countless textbooks, dash home, and send them to the dreaded subsidiary courses or a “look-at-Wang-who-got-a-590-entrance-exams-and-the-country-competition-in-
7 V' P! v6 ]$ Z4 {0 Scalligraphy-and-got-into-Tsinghua” lecture. Even if the shell-shocked children spare no effort, they can still hear their parents whispering in the kitchen asking, “why did we not get a child like Wang?” The stress placed upon these battered children is enormous. They cannot help but feel frustration, pain, and uselessness when they see that their achievements do not meet their parents’ expectations. The sad part is that, due to the flaw of education, the majority of even the children agree to participate in this cruel comparison war and try their best to fight. No interesting games, no true friendship, no happy learning…where is so-called “Golden Childhood”?
5 k2 X/ Y& S7 f
' r! J( f. d( S" B+ [# JI was once one of those ill children until I found myself. I finally was able to see my own special talents that define who I really am. With this discovery, I also found my self-worth and the ability to believe in myself. I no longer mope about the house, wondering why I was not blessed with the ability that many other Chinese have. Now, I realize that the talents I do have are special and unique in me.
+ g: M2 b+ z0 ^% `
But, I die to make difference to the Chinese education! I attempted to major in Childhood Education in Chinese university, but I could not find a suitable place for me to go. As a country on the brink of an education revolution, China needs diverse voices. As a girl who has often wished to make her parents proud, I want my mother and father to feel satisfied not merely when comparing me to other students but by truly recognizing the accomplishments that I’ve achieved. I know University of Minnesota offers Programs of Childhood Education and its prestige and reputation for excellence always draws students from all corners of the globe. I hope that I can bring my own distinct opinions to the US and back to China. By ameliorating Chinese education, I also hope to lessen the competitive drive that reduces so many students and parents to tears.

1 V3 W) J2 m* g% ^" n7 H) V6 u我申请的是early childhood education/elementary education。所以ps就围绕这个来写，但是自己觉得是不是写得过于批判了一些，好像否定掉了很多东西。。。另一方面，是请大家看看逻辑上面，我觉得顺连得比较突兀。。。因为我是把前一片msu的ps中的一些部分拿来后再加上了东西。。。请大家帮帮忙，非常感谢！
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& R& q, H5 @# E. c( [4 L[ 本帖最后由 Didoy 于 2006-8-13 16:47 编辑 ]

可可millyUID: 2217837

我觉得第二段会不会太长了..批判了那么多有点喧宾夺主啊.

zhangqian1201UID: 2184021

没什么具体感动人或给人惊喜的事，如ls所说，第二段有问题，我浏览了一下， 好像不是在写你自己如何如何，铺垫也不要这么长

DidoyUID: 2181213

原帖由 可可milly 于 2006-8-13 10:13 发表
( C: O  {( G9 N, }# i我觉得第二段会不会太长了..批判了那么多有点喧宾夺主啊.

这一段我是想讲中国教育的现状，我写的时候已经很避免评论和批评了，大部分都是讲述一种状态和情况。。。这也是我想去念教育的动机之一。。。你说得很有道理，我也觉得。。。但是又觉得这一段是可以产生feeling的东西。。。不舍得删掉许多。。。你觉得呢？。。。你看了后觉得哪些比较重复或者不必要呢？
  X, q5 e" y! [( m6 D  ~- ~. ~谢谢你呀。。。真是好人

DidoyUID: 2181213

原帖由 zhangqian1201 于 2006-8-13 10:17 发表
没什么具体感动人或给人惊喜的事，如ls所说，第二段有问题，我浏览了一下， 好像不是在写你自己如何如何，铺垫也不要这么长

% m+ j3 s/ B0 B6 j2 T3 O0 s恩。。。写的不是我也是我。。。恩。。。就是写的是身边成长的一个大环境。。。

zhangqian1201UID: 2184021

原帖由 Didoy 于 2006-8-13 10:20 发表

中国教育的现状，一种状态和情况

& v  H! ^4 M5 T: Z; Y8 P+ ?9 I这些人家可以google查到，论文看到，和学校里的中国学生了解到

点点阳阳UID: 2151229

The reason you hope to go to the US is because you think there you might develop yourself better than in China but not because you don't like the Chinese education.
* h/ ?" o7 ~) h3 I  JYou should have talked more about yourself.

( l3 {! _' G) }9 `& x[ 本帖最后由 点点阳阳 于 2006-8-13 11:27 编辑 ]

DidoyUID: 2181213

原帖由 点点阳阳 于 2006-8-13 11:26 发表
  j# r; _: k9 S4 l( ~9 ?; mThe reason you hope to go to the US is because you think there you might develop yourself better than in China but not because

恩。。。。好像这句话没有讲完？because后面是什么？

DidoyUID: 2181213

原帖由 点点阳阳 于 2006-8-13 11:26 发表
! E) |& ?& j4 x! B0 rThe reason you hope to go to the US is because you think there you might develop yourself better than in China but not because you don't like the Chinese education.
2 f5 z) f) J' b6 j* b, ]8 YYou should have talked more abo ...

6 h4 p$ {4 V& M* z! m嗯。。。我，我，我的的确确是don't like the Chinese education。。你的意思是不是说，我不能把这种想法告诉美国老师？就是不能表达不喜欢国内的教育这样？

点点阳阳UID: 2151229

Besides, you can write something related to yourself. For example, how do you think will you get by receiving the US college education? Or maybe in US colleges, your personal interests and goals could be better achieved. Or make some comparisons between the two different education systems, then get conclusions.
; L8 d( ]& Z  k. |" U% wAnyway, talk about yourself in your own ways and styles by yourself. That's what the universities really want to evaluate.
5 o% J' e+ B' X- l6 @6 ZGood luck!

DidoyUID: 2181213

原帖由 zhangqian1201 于 2006-8-13 11:04 发表


7 ]% M$ Q$ }* {+ f, t  R这些人家可以google查到，论文看到，和学校里的中国学生了解到

挺有道理的。。。那你是不是觉得我这个切入点本身就不好呢？就是从中国教育的弊端这个切入点来写我要去学教育这个角度本身就不好呢？
3 K4 Z. q' a$ o9 m或者我有想到过另一个切入点，就是从对我很重要的人来写，引出我对教育的兴趣这样可不可以呢？
我的email: didoy@etang.com

DidoyUID: 2181213

根据大家的意见，我重新加了一下关于自己的东西进去。。。大家帮忙看看这样会不会好一些？非常感谢
0 I! q0 Z: r$ e6 `...... No interesting games, no true friendship, no happy learning…where is so-called “Golden Childhood”?

I was once one of those ill children until I met Bill, a childlike American teacher. He was our English teacher in summer camp. I still remember that day, when he taught class in high spirits, I played paper-folding under the desk, turning a deaf ear to the heated discussion. Class over, I cleared up the mess, feeling fortunate not to be criticized. “Oh! A paper boat! It’s great! Can it sail at sea...and ... a frog!” It’s Bill! I jerked my head up, seeing that he was staring at my paper-things, as if he found something unparalleled in the world. His eyes, I will never forget, full of curiosity and admiration. “Could you give me one of them as a gift?” A pink flush suddenly spread over my cheeks. “Let me use better paper to make a more delicate one for you, if you like.” I murmur. “Thank you, but this is great enough. Could you give me this boat?” He seemed to request an art work from an outstanding artist, holding the boat gently in cupped hands. I nodded in silence and in this second I found myself. I finally was able to see my own special talents that define who I really am. Maybe they are not something big and excellent, but with this discovery, I also found my self-worth and the ability to believe in myself. I no longer mope about the house, wondering why I was not blessed with the ability that many other Chinese have. Now, I realize that the talents I do have are special and unique in me.
  w8 [4 q" k: Q6 [  m/ r2 S
: [% p' j9 U) PLike Bill, I love to chat about strange things with kids, play pirates together with them, tell Snow White to them and so on. Whenever I saw thousands of Chinese children are following the same road as we did and gradually losing themselves in the horrible war, I tell myself that I die to make difference to the Chinese education!......

DidoyUID: 2181213

就是加了一则小故事。。。故事倒是真实的，不知道写得怎么样，够不够生动？。。。因为我觉得描述一件事情，要写出当时的感觉是我的薄弱项。。。请大家指正。。。
1 g! K, d; r3 z# M! b另外就是，不知道这个故事加上去会不会感觉好一些。。。。

DidoyUID: 2181213

Born into an ideal family, have highly-educated parents, went to the best elementary school and the best high school in the area, learned music and took part in performances since I was very young, took charge of various school activities…… it’s me, a girl who was gained many honors admired by students of the same age and often praised by teachers. But, beneath the gloss of brilliance success was a terrible twenty-year. In the past decade, I even nearly lost myself. Where am I? What is my dream career? Why do I study so hard? I seemed to be caught up in a whirling vortex of competition and flooded with test marks, awards, homework, textbooks……
- ?5 c/ O7 g7 j8 Q' R
Nearly all the Chinese children are fighting a life-and-death struggle, while parents are constantly striving for something to be proud of. At a dinner party, parents brag about what exceptional grades and awards their children have recently acquired. Other families retaliate by describing how late their children stay up at night doing homework. Even the host draws attention to her son’s computer competition awards displayed prominently in the living room. But what happens to those parents whose children don’t excel enough? They can’t get a word in edgewise, wishing that they were some insignificant piece of dust in the corner of the room. These parents, however, making their children the most pitiful ones, buy countless textbooks, dash home, and send them to the dreaded subsidiary courses or a “look-at-Wang-who-got-
& Z3 W/ q5 }* R/ Ea-590-entrance-exams-and-the-country-competition-in-calligraphy-and-got-into-
/ F# ~/ t% t4 |6 @+ N7 `6 A* A% UTsinghua” lecture. Even if the shell-shocked children spare no effort, they can still hear their parents whispering in the kitchen asking, “why did we not get a child like Wang?” The stress placed upon these battered children is enormous. They cannot help but feel frustration, pain, and uselessness when they see that their achievements do not meet their parents’ expectations. The sad part is that, due to the flaw of education, the majority of even the children agree to participate in this cruel comparison war and try their best to fight. No interesting games, no true friendship, no happy learning…where is so-called “Golden Childhood”?
6 A3 Y! N' \( U5 H* Z
9 `! {/ ]& A/ o* c) dI was once one of those ill children until I met Bill, a childlike American teacher. He was our English teacher in summer camp. I still remember that day, when he taught class in high spirits, I played paper-folding under the desk, turning a deaf ear to the heated discussion. Class over, I cleared up the mess, feeling fortunate not to be criticized. “Oh! A paper boat! It’s great! Can it sail at sea...and ... a frog!” It’s Bill! I jerked my head up, seeing that he was staring at my paper-things, as if he found something unparalleled in the world. His eyes, I will never forget, full of curiosity and admiration. “Could you give me one of them as a gift?” A pink flush suddenly spread over my cheeks. “Let me use better paper to make a more delicate one for you, if you like.” I murmur. “Thank you, but this is great enough. Could you give me this boat?” He seemed to request an art work from an outstanding artist, holding the boat gently in cupped hands. I nodded in silence and in this second I found myself. I finally was able to see my own special talents that define who I really am. Maybe they are not something big and excellent, but with this discovery, I also found my self-worth and the ability to believe in myself. I no longer mope about the house, wondering why I was not blessed with the ability that many other Chinese have. Now, I realize that the talents I do have are special and unique in me.
0 X+ z2 G5 P: e$ d8 H9 VLike Bill, I love to chat about strange things with kids, play pirates together with them, tell Snow White to them and so on. Whenever I saw thousands of Chinese children are following the same road as we did and gradually losing themselves in the horrible war, I tell myself that I die to make difference to the Chinese education! I attempted to major in Childhood Education in Chinese university, but I could not find a suitable place for me to go. As a country on the brink of an education revolution, China needs diverse voices. As a girl who has often wished to make her parents proud, I want my mother and father to feel satisfied not merely when comparing me to other students but by truly recognizing the accomplishments that I’ve achieved. I know University of Minnesota offers Programs of Childhood Education and its prestige and reputation for excellence always draws students from all corners of the globe. I hope that I can bring my own distinct opinions to the US and back to China. By ameliorating Chinese education, I also hope to lessen the competitive drive that reduces so many students and parents to tears.

可可millyUID: 2217837

Many students write about someone influential to them but fail to bring the focus toward themselves, or write about some activity long in the past.  
这是我在一个学校的要求上看的不知有没有用...
, I- N9 J( `9 t) F; s我也没写过.....