Issue48

mcdonald-duckUID: 2123471

48"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."
正文：
Through the history books and videos people get to know those most significant events and trends happened before on this planet. And these kinds of media told us it was neither the key person in these events or the group of people who got involved alone who urged such memorable events, but both of them together. The speaker underestimated the value of the famous key individuals while emphasizing the value of the common people.

Unfortunately, the historians nowadays do not have other means of access to the historical events and trends that are already happened but through materials and videos recorded by someone in that period. Nevertheless, these materials are sometimes influenced by the governing forces or written with personal colors. That makes the records not accurately coincide with the sceneries or stories actually happened. So, it is natural that historians have an unbalanced attitude towards the crucial individuals and the people commonly involved. Even so, I think the emphasis on the individuals is not improper. Without the prominent contribution of the individuals, no matter how many people there are to participate in the movement, such events will never be significant enough to appear in the history books, because the movement without the right guidance is much more likely to be called turbulence.

Throughout the history, every important events and trends were impelled by both the key individuals and the people who had the same goal as the movements. The individuals, with the help of the group, represented the centralized wishes in common and ultimate destinations of the movements, and sometimes it were these key individuals who caused the final out-comings of the movements. For instance, the Macedonia kingdom collapsed soon after the death of the Alexander Empire. At the same time, with the help of the key individuals, the group of people could properly carry out the missions specifically contrived for the final goal of the movements. The anti-Japan war would undoubtedly fail without the help of the Chinese people. Hence it is unwise to weigh either the value of the individuals or that of the groups.

Conclusively speaking, both the key individuals and the people involved in the significant events and the trends are responsible for the success or failure of the movements. It is the remaining materials and videos that caused the seemingly over-emphasis of the key individuals.

Words:391

feibingxUID: 2212956

Through the history books and videos people get to know those most significant events and trends happened before on this planet. And these kinds of media told us it was neither the key person in these events or the group of people who got involved alone who urged such memorable events, but both of them together.[这句话我勉强看懂了，不知道外国人看不看的懂，用两个who让句子显得有些别扭] The speaker underestimated the value of the famous key individuals while emphasizing the value of the common people.[本段第一句话与主题几乎没有什么关系，论点在最后一句话才说出来，显得有点绕弯子不干脆，还是开门见山的好]

Unfortunately, the historians nowadays do not have other means of access to[analyzing/study] the historical events and trends that are[去掉] already happened but through materials and videos recorded by someone in that period. Nevertheless[furthermore 我感觉这里是递进关系], these materials are sometimes influenced by the governing forces or written with personal colors[personal judgment]. That[ , which] makes the records not[do not. /coincide是动词] accurately coincide with the sceneries or stories actually happened. So, it is natural that historians have an unbalanced attitude towards the crucial individuals and the people commonly involved. Even so, I think the emphasis on the individuals is not improper.[主题句怎么放在这里…] Without the prominent contribution of the individuals, no matter how many people there are to[去掉] participate in the movement[revolution 下同], such events will never be significant enough to appear in the history books, because the movement without the right guidance is much more likely to be called turbulence. [本段主题句实在太不显眼了，而且主题句之前论述的关于历史学家通过什么了解历史从而无法准确判断什么之类的问题似乎与主题也关系不大]

Throughout the history, every important events and trends were impelled by both the key individuals and the people who had the same goal as[in] the movements. The individuals, with the help of the group, represented the centralized wishes in common and ultimate destinations of the movements, and[这里还是分成两句吧]sometimes it were these key individuals who caused the final out-comings of the movements. For instance, the Macedonia kingdom collapsed soon after the death of the Alexander Empire. At the same time, with the help of the key individuals, the group of people could properly carry out the missions specifically contrived for the final goal of the movements. The anti-Japan war would undoubtedly fail without the help of the Chinese people. Hence it is unwise to weigh either the value of the individuals or that of the groups.[此段主题鲜明，行文流畅，写的很好，只是举完例子最好再对例子做一点点的说明分析]

Conclusively speaking, both the key individuals and the people involved in the significant events and the trends are responsible for the success or failure of the movements. It is the remaining materials and videos that caused the seemingly over-emphasis of the key individuals. [是否还能扯几句比如，As discussed above, in the study of history, we should …..]

总的来说观点明确，行文流畅。但是应尽量将主题句放段首，段落之间的衔接也需要注意一点。还有可能lz是限时做的，所以文章显的略短了。