issue130 十二月高强组第四周周一作业, 请拍!

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题目：ISSUE 130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
字数：645/864          用时：0:45:00 +0:20:00   日期：2006-12-10
总论点，虽然有一些缺陷，但在培养孩子上我们还是正确的
1, 从个人角度来看children socialization；并提出教育制度里存在问题
2  没有证据说明孩子社会化程度不够
3 我们的社会在孩子社会化上做得是对的
  A 社会化更多是进入社会后环境的作用，不是教育出来的
  B 太早接触社会可能有害
Have we not learned how to raise well socialized children to better the society in the future as the speaker claimed? I concede that currently, our educational systems are flawed in several points, however, whether the children are well-educationed need critical examination, in my view, the children could be well raise in the existing system and therefore capable of dealing with the problems in the future.

To begin with, I would like to illustrate my opinion about socialization of children. Humans are advanced than other animals since they have better intelligence and established a much more complex interactions net, which is called" human society". To socialize the children is to help the children realize what the society really is, and to teach the student the fundament ability to live in the society. Such ability include some technological skills and knowledge to make a live, understanding about fundamental principles of the society, some common traits among people, and the skill to communicate and collaborate and so forth. In a word, socialization is to teach the children how to survive and thrive in the society. Admittedly, our existing educational systems have certain defects. Take Chinese for example, the students lack the chance to connect with the society, or otherwise, being limited in a somehow small range such as school and family and lack the actual contact the real society. In addition, while focus on the technological ability, our school lack the emphasis on the teaching of how to handle the actual difficulties in life, such as the spirits of teamwork and collaboration and effective communication with others. Therefore, many students graduate from schools may not immediately meet the need of the companies and other employers since they are not well socialized.

However, there is no evidence that our children are ill-socialized therefore could not handle the responsibility to serve the society. As mentioned above, some graduations may not meet the need of the society at first may because of their lack of practical experience which could be acquired later from their occupations. As we could obviously find out that most people could live in the society properly and rationally, the conclusion that our children are ill-socialized is unjustified. In my mind, to assess whether a society have rear its children properly is to find out whether the people could live in the society without too many problems. Generally, our society is stable and rational and in the expectable future such trend will hang on. In this case, we raise our children properly. And in this situation, that is the most we could do although there are many problems during the processes of rearing children and we have to improve the processes. But that doesn’t mean that we have done awfully. I believe that the society has made efforts and to rear our children, and concentrate on the problems. And I am also positive about the future that the society still progresses.

Moreover, the society, including parents and schools has done the right thing in socializing the children. In the first place, to some extent how a person was socialized is mostly determined by some outside elements after they actually enter the society such as surroundings, conditions and social status. Even though students may be instilled some ideas and opinion about the society by teacher or parents, the real world impress them and influence them more. Actual practice and experience, such as connecting with others, deal with some practical social problems, could totally alter the old image of society and sometime redefined their attitudes, their behaviors, and their perspectives. In this sense, to certain extent, our efforts of teach a student how to live in the society is nebulous since the socialization of a person is the consequence of the issues the faced in life, or otherwise, their experience. Despite that they may unreasonable and irrational in their young’s, that do not necessary mean that they won't treat the issues properly after entering the society. A good example is that in the 1960s, the whole American young generation are deem as irresponsible because of drugs, irrational behaviors, sex revolution and the like . However, through their efforts after grown up and being mature, it is also that generation that contributes to the remarkable economical increase in the 1990s.  

In the second place, it may be harmful for children to participate the real social activities too early. Without any established life experiences, people are vulnerable to the dark side of the society. There is no insurance that the things faced in society are brightness and sound, as a neglect young people, the ability to distinguish right from wrong is limited, and therefore susceptible to the unsound facts of the society. That do not mean that the susceptibility could decrease with the increase of age, but rather the children should stay in the purer place such as school and family to build their own immunity to some social virus.


To sum up, there is no proof that our children are not well socialized, and our means of raising children is not necessarily unsound, since the development of our society reflects the progress and the somewhat success of our education.

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Have we not learned how to raise well socialized children to better the society in the future as the speaker claimed? I concede that currently, our educational systems are flawed in several points, however, whether the children are well-educationed need critical examination,(句子意思结束,另起) in my view, the children could be well raise (raised) in the existing system(what system? 这个词有些笼统, social system之类会比较好) and therefore capable of dealing with the(没必要加定惯词, 不是指文中出现过的问题) problems in the future.

To begin with, I would like to illustrate my opinion about socialization of children. Humans are advanced than other animals since they have better intelligence and established a much more complex interactions net, which is called" human society". To socialize the children is to help the children realize what the society really is, and to teach the student the fundament ability to live in the society.(一句话出现了六个the, 没一个是特指的, 都没有必要, 题目里的children也没用the, 所以都是泛指, society可以不加惯词, student和children直接复数泛指就行了) Such ability(应该用复数, 因为你这里指的是多种能力, 而且后面的include也没加s) include some technological skills and knowledge to make a live, understanding about fundamental principles of the society, some common traits among people, and the skill to communicate and collaborate and so forth(并列列举太不整齐了, 又有名词又有动名词, skill重复出现). In a word, socialization is to teach the children how to survive and thrive in the society. Admittedly, our existing educational systems have certain defects. Take Chinese (education) for example, the students lack the chance to connect with the society, or otherwise, being limited in a somehow small range such as school and family and lack the actual contact (with) the real society. In addition, while focus(focusing) on the technological ability, our school(schools) lack the emphasis on the teaching of how to handle the actual difficulties in life, such as the spirits of teamwork and(,) collaboration and effective communication with others. Therefore, many students graduate from schools may not immediately meet the need(needs) of the companies and other employers since they are not well socialized.
(对于中国教育体制的叙述过于笼统, 光说它怎么怎么不好, 也不说它是怎么运行的, 显得不太可信)

However, there is no evidence that our children are ill-socialized therefore could not handle the responsibility to serve the society. As mentioned above, some graduations(graduates) may not meet the need of the society at first may because of their lack of practical experience (这里的意思有转折, 建议另起或者加however)which could be acquired later from their occupations. As we could obviously find out that most people could (连续两个could, 改一个好了) live in the society properly and rationally, the conclusion that our children are ill-socialized is unjustified. In my mind, to assess whether a society have (has) rear its children properly is to find out whether the people could live in the society without too many problems. Generally, our society is stable and rational and in the expectable future such trend will hang on.(这句跟前面句不是同一个意思么?没必要重复) In this case, we raise our children properly. And in this situation, that (what?指代不明) is the most we could do although there are many problems during the processes of rearing children and we have to improve the processes. But that doesn’t mean that we have done awfully. I believe that the society has made efforts and to rear our children, and concentrate on the problems. And I am also positive about the future that the society still progresses. (没有具体例证, 来回在说社会发展很好我们养孩子养的很好, 这段的感觉很空洞, 建议精简以后跟下一段合并)

Moreover(这里有递进关系? 只是对上一段的论证具体化而已, 这样的词反而破坏了段与段之间的关系), the society, including parents and schools has done the right thing in socializing the children. In the first place, to some extent how a person was socialized is mostly determined by some outside elements after they actually enter the society such as surroundings, conditions and social status. Even though students may be instilled some ideas and opinion about the society by teacher or parents, the real world impress them and influence them more.(开头在说家长学校, 现在又跑来说社会, 段落主题句有问题) Actual practice and experience, such as connecting with others, deal with some practical social problems, could totally alter the old image of society and sometime redefined their attitudes, their behaviors, and their perspectives. In this sense, to certain extent, our efforts of teach(ing) a student how to live in the society is nebulous since the socialization of a person is the consequence of the issues the faced in life, or otherwise, their experience. Despite that they may (be) unreasonable and irrational in their young’s, that do not necessary mean that they won't treat the issues properly after entering the society. A good example is that in the 1960s, the whole American young generation are deem as irresponsible because of drugs, irrational behaviors, sex revolution and the like . However, through their efforts after grown up and being mature, it is also that generation that contributes to the remarkable economical increase in the 1990s.  (这段第一句跟后面的说的不是一个东西, 而且in the first place跟后一段是一个层面的, 前面建议另起一段)

In the second place, (个人认为这个不能用并列, 而是转折关系, nevertheless, oppositely会比较好)it may be harmful for children to participate the real social activities too early. Without any established life experiences, people are vulnerable to the dark side of the society. There is no insurance that the things faced in society are brightness and sound, as a neglect (neglectful) young people, the ability to distinguish right from wrong is limited, and therefore susceptible to the unsound facts of the society. That do not mean that the susceptibility could decrease with the increase of age, but rather the children should stay in the purer place such as school and family to build their own immunity to some social virus.(刚才说孩子进了社会才能社会化, 现在又说他们容易被伤害, 这样的论证显得自相矛盾. 应该说考虑到孩子的条件虽然他们进入社会后会学到很多, 但有些东西应该在学校里学. 另外还可以return to the example of 1960s American, 说他们在早先也造成一定的问题之类的)

To sum up, there is no proof that our children are not well socialized(这个绝对了, 把BODY第一段的让步都减弱了), and our means of raising children is not necessarily unsound, since the development of our society reflects the progress and the somewhat success of our education.

总评:
论证还不错, 语法问题很多, 主要是滥用定惯词和单复数不分, 下次写的时候应该注意下. 很多该泛指的地方都用the特指了. 标出来的the都值得商榷, 可以用a, 复数和物主代词替换.

waidswUID: 2256074

谢谢lastangel, 很受启发，满篇的the看得我自己都心碎，论证也有矛盾的地方，谢谢lastangel中肯的批评，十分感谢！