Argument147 【CSMY作文互改第四小组】第一次作业

ctexUID: 2241178

147 "Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."

Date：12.31   Time-elapsed：00：50  First edition:487 words  Second edition:586 words

The argument above presents a seemly sound conclusion for arguing that the sales of Whirlwind games will have a jumping increase  in the coming few months. Since the Whildwind game company recently introduced several games that are of the important features to game players and made intensive advertisements to those game players of age 10-25 years who are most likely to play games. Careful scrutiny of this argument would reveal that the conclusion suffers from several fallacies and there is unconvincing.

Most important of all, he is failing to consider all other important alternatives ,except for the most important feature to game players,  which may influence the sales of a game product. I think the author draw his conclusion from the survey without enough proof. As a matter of fact, The survey is aimed not to which fact in a game will easily bring game players to buy the product, but to   investigate which feature in a game is  most appealing to consumers. Although, the Whirlwind game company have recently introduced several games with feature which are most attractive to game players; furthermore ,it advertised them extensively to those person who are mostly likely to play games. However，the feature may not cause  a great deal of consumers to buy the game products definitely .Therefore, I think the author must be  confused about the concepts that a product can give rise to purchasing  and  is most appealing to consumers.

Secondly, the author tells us that the sales of Whirlwind video game company have declined over the past two years. It imply that the company had a good performance on the sales two years before. what causes on the  earth will made the sales of Whirlwind Video game company down? In my opinion, It is possible that the strategies of the company in the aspect of sale ,pricing and  product might have been on the wrong road. Its products could not have competitiveness with other correspondents in the market. Did it set forth a higher price for his products than did other company? If so, there will not be a dramatic increase in the sales of his products if the Whirlwind video game company still  adopt its old strategy on pricing .Of course, there might be an economical  depression during the past two years which made the decline. If so, the economic situation will become better and be able to stimulate consumers to purchase more products such as games products there may be an increased sales of the Whirlwind video games. If the situation would still be in depression, I think the sales may not have a dramatic increase.

Thirdly, as mentioned in the argument the 10-25 year old group who are mostly likely to play games, it is a fact that this group are unable to be economically independent. They have to get their money from their parents or relatives. Even so, the amount of  money is so small that is unaffordable to those latest versions of the games. Therefore, even they enthusiastically like the games ,but they do not have enough money to buy it.

Overall, the reasoning behind the sales of The whirlwind video games will experience an dramatic  increase in the next several months seems logical as presented in this argument. However, if taking into all alternatives which will have influence on the sales of a game product, the author should not  conclude  that the conclusion solely according to the fact that the game product   have the most appealing feature to game-players.


第一次argument,开始以为argumen好写，写起来才发现自己同样非常菜。欢迎大家逛拍！
下面是我对其analysis!感觉比较凌乱！
"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years,（什么原因导致的？是否是因公司经营不善如：【决策者的失误导致产品开发及投放不对，产品价格是否具有竞争力；来自市场上其他同等竞争者的竞争；以及是否宏观经济的不景气】） a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. （是否是分论点？一项简单调查就表明会reverse,太过武断与简单了）The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game.（调查是游戏者认为游戏最重要的特征是什么？并不是直接调查有戏最倾向于购买什么样的游戏产品，算是对最后结论的重要支持论据！偷换概念！） According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers.（回答游戏者认为游戏最应具有的特征是***【是否需考虑游戏的其他因素，如：游戏的情节吸引游戏者的程度】，并且要玩具有这类特征的有戏应该配备什么样配置的计算机） Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. （W公司刚开发了几款类似的游戏产品，并且针对10-25岁这个最喜欢玩游戏的年龄层次的人投放了大量的广告。是否广告后就会带来dramatical increase in the sales?是否还要考虑更多的因素？如 【产品的价格是否是消费者容易接受的，市场上其他公司是否有同类的产品并且他们的销售价格怎么样？宏观经济环境是否适宜刺激消费 】）It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."【结论：就算以上论据都不成立，未来几个月就能见销售大幅上扬，未必！游戏消费者对于一个游戏产品的接受需要一个较长的时间的！】

[ 本帖最后由 ctex 于 2006-12-31 17:13 编辑 ]

stevenhuUID: 172722

147 "Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
Date：12.31   Time-elapsed：00：50  First edition:487 words  Second edition:586 words

The argument above presents a seemly sound conclusion for arguing that the sales of Whirlwind games will have a jumping increase  in the coming few months. Since the Whildwind game company recently introduced several games that are of the important features to game players and made intensive advertisements to those game players of age 10-25 years who are most likely to play games. Careful scrutiny of this argument would reveal that the conclusion suffers from several fallacies and there （我觉着去掉 there更通顺些） is unconvincing.
Most important of all, he is failing to consider all other important alternatives ,except for the most important feature to game players,  which may influence the sales of a game product. I think the author draw his conclusion from the survey without enough proof. As a matter of fact, The( the ) survey is aimed not to which fact（没理解错的话是 factor） in a game will easily bring game players to buy the product, but to investigate which feature in a game is  most appealing to consumers. Although, the Whirlwind game company have recently introduced several games with (the) feature which are (is) most attractive to game players; furthermore ,it advertised them extensively to those person who are mostly (most) likely to play games. However （这里的However 和前面一句的Although意思重复了吧），the feature may not cause  a great deal of consumers to buy the game products definitely .Therefore, I think the author must be  confused about the concepts that a product can give rise to purchasing  and  is most appealing to consumers.
Secondly, the author tells us that the sales of Whirlwind video game company have declined over the past two years. It imply (implies) that the company had a good performance on the sales two years before. what causes on the earth will made the sales of Whirlwind Video game company down? In my opinion, It（it） is possible that the strategies of the company in the aspect of sale ,pricing and  product might have been on the wrong road. Its products could not have competitiveness with other correspondents (应该是competitors) in the market. Did it set forth a higher price for his (its) products than did other company? If so, there will not be a dramatic increase in the sales of his (its) products if the Whirlwind video game company still adopt its old strategy on pricing .Of course, there might be an economical (economic) depression during the past two years which made the decline. If so, the economic situation will become better and be able to stimulate consumers to purchase more products such as games products there may be an increased sales of the Whirlwind video games(??? 这句话什么意思，看不懂，如果是说两年之后的现在经济复苏了，那么也应该说明). If the situation would still be in depression, I think the sales may not have a dramatic increase.
Thirdly, as mentioned in the argument（,it is）the 10-25 year old group who are mostly (most) likely to play games, (however)it is a fact that this group are unable to be economically independent. They have to get their money from their parents or relatives. Even so, the amount of  money is so small that is unaffordable to those latest versions of the games. Therefore, even they enthusiastically like the games ,but they do not have enough money to buy it.(我认为第三句（even so 那句）应该想办法用 the 10-25 year old group作为主语来表达，因为你最后一句的主语也是‘他们’。这样可以使得整个段落的主语是一个，可以更容易让别人理解，看起来段落内部也更连续。)
Overall, the reasoning behind the sales of The whirlwind video games will experience an dramatic  increase in the next several months seems logical as presented in this argument. However, if taking into all alternatives which will have influence on the sales of a game product, the author should not  conclude  that the （去掉that 或者 the） conclusion solely according to the fact that the game product have the most appealing feature to game-players.
感觉每段的主题不是很明显，不过可以看出来，楼主还是有相当的文字功底的，好多词我都不会用啊，羡慕ing！
第一次给人改作文，可能我的有些话说得不是太清楚，有什么疑问欢迎email！