Issue154 【CSMY作文互改小组】第三组第一次作业

leonardowangUID: 2285975

Issue154 第一周第一次作业

题目：
"Both parents and communities must be involved in the local schools. Education is too important to leave solely to a group of professional educators."

观点:
同意，三者作用各有侧重，也有交集，都不可少。

提纲：
(1) 家长作用: 主要道德、性格、生活习惯的形成
(2) 学校作用：主要基础知识，学习方法
(3) 社区作用：人际交往，社会责任感等

People always learn from the interaction with his surrounding environment actively or passively. Since one's parents, school and communities are three major parts in his environment to interact with; he learns all kinds of knowledge from these sources. Although the knowledge one enquire from the sources has some overlaps, the three parts have their own emphasis. None of them can be neglected.

Firstly, parents are first teachers of their child. Their actions and words will be imitated by children, including living habits, their value, hobbies and so on. The most important feature of family education is that parents are the majority source of learning in a person's early years at which many habits and elementary personality forms. Neglecting or preaching wrong rudimentary education severely undermines ones' future life. Statistics shows that most young criminal comes from incomplete families. Lacking parents’ affection and education, they might do some agitate things due to their introverted and cynical personality.

Secondly, school is an obvious source of knowledge, as we all known. In different level of school, one is taught with either elementary or advanced science or literal knowledge. Besides knowledge itself, person in schools can also enquire communication skills with peers, correct learning habits and methodology and a preparation for social life.

Thirdly, community is also a dispensable source of knowledge, though the educational ability of community sometimes is neglected. After considerable years of learning in school, one will go into society for work finally. Even with concrete knowledge, noble morality and pleasant personality, new graduates from school are still novices of professional life. Many reports show that today's college student lacks social experience and sense of responsibilities so that always makes many silly mistakes in work, though they have learned abstruse knowledge well in school.

In sum, nowadays’ society requires comprehensibly developed person rather than person who has only specific knowledge. To achieve this goal, school education is relatively limiting so that should join with the help of parents and communities. It is quite important to have a clear mind of all these three sources' importance in education and pay attention to every field.

初次动笔，挤牙膏一般，请大家批评！

siyuandingUID: 2154137

People always learn from the interaction with（the interaction with可以去掉） his surrounding environment actively or passively. Since one's parents, school and communities are three major parts in his environment to interact with; he learns all kinds of knowledge from these sources. Although the knowledge one enquire （enquire改称gets行了或高级一点的acquires） from the sources has some overlaps, the three parts have their own emphasis（改成each of them has its own emphasis） . None of them can be neglected.
整段好像在谈学习，没有谈教育嘛，至少整段要出现一个education吧。
你开头没模版吗？全是自己想的，而且还很不扣题！

Firstly, parents are first teachers of their child（用children吧）. Their actions and words will be imitated by children, including living habits, their value, hobbies and so on. (知道你的意思，看看别人怎么表达的：You can't expect children to take messages about rules or morality seriously unless they see adults taking those rules seriously in their day-to-day affairs. Certain things must be said, certain limits laid down, and certain examples set. There is no other way.) The most important feature of family education is that parents are the majority source of learning in a person's（改成child’s）early years at (during比较好) which many habits and elementary personality forms（改成personal characters and habits build）. Neglecting( 改成ignorance坏的教育是可以被忽视 )or (加even) preaching wrong rudimentary education severely undermines ones' future life（lives）. Statistics shows ( it is well known) that most young criminal(criminals) comes from incomplete families(单亲家庭是这么说吗？). Lacking （without）parents’ affection(affections) and education, they might do some agitate( aggressive) things due to their introverted and cynical personality（改成unstabilizing emotion and introversive personality).用词是大问题，你要多查字典呀，不要随心所欲！来个例子吧，更有说服力

Secondly, school is an obvious source of knowledge, as we all known. In different level of school, one is taught with either elementary or advanced science or literal knowledge. Besides knowledge itself, person in schools can also enquire communication skills with peers, correct learning habits and methodology and a preparation for social life.

Thirdly, community is also a dispensable source of knowledge, though the educational ability of community sometimes is neglected. After considerable years of learning in school, one will go into society for work finally. Even with concrete knowledge, noble morality and pleasant personality, new graduates from school are still novices of professional life. Many reports show that today's college student lacks social experience and sense of responsibilities so that always makes many silly mistakes in work, though they have learned abstruse knowledge well in school.

In sum, nowadays’ society requires comprehensibly developed person rather than person who has only specific knowledge.（这句话没有总括文章的要点，即学校、社区、家长有那些优势互补） To achieve this goal, school education is relatively limiting so that should join with the help of parents and communities. It is quite important to have a clear mind of all these three sources' importance in education and pay attention to every field
开头和结尾都没扣题，同等重要和都很重要是不同的，要有比较，看看imong的专题 [追星剑特训]Chapter1.2 More 比较级

文章问题很多，这是你的第一篇吧
先说文章结构吧，除去开头结尾不讲，我不大主张三个主体段用并列来写，这样显得很平白，不容易拿高分，唯一的好处就是好写，三个方面都写它的好处，不用反向思考他的坏处，我比较喜欢三个有利模式：1并列 递进 2 递进 转折 3转折 递进 （新东方老师李笑来讲的，非常有道理），在说明论证文中，用上其中一种，就会显得非常有说服力，多看看范文，你就会有体会。（纯属个人观点，信不信由你）
其次，就是通篇没有一个非常具体的例子，“都是大话通话，大话西游可以，大话issue就不行了”，（北美GRE范文精讲上的原话），如果论证以例子载体，更会显得有说服力。
第三，句式方面，还行吧，可以着重写好几个长句（个人觉得是拿高分关键之一），多套几个从句，适当用一些简单的修辞，如排比（或对仗），类比。（对于我们这些写作新手，这些还是容易上手的）
第四，用词方面，这是最大的问题，可能我知道你讲的意思（作为中国人），但很多词用得非常不地道，我也只能帮你纠正一部分（我的水平有限亚，这是作文花时间最多的地方）。我是这么做的，自己先想一个词的英文翻译（可用金山词霸的全文搜索功能，没有的话，用google的在线中译英），再用搭配词典，找他的搭配词，组装好词组后（很可能不地道），把整个词组放倒google上搜，看是否有这样的说法，有的话，就OK了，没有的话就重新来，总会找到的（或者相关的线索也很好呀）；另外，可以找相关话题，觉得有好句子可以用在自己文章里，可以拿来主义，但决不可照搬，要换句式，换逻辑关系，换近义词，使它成为自己的，再背下来。这样日积月累，用词水平肯定会提高的。
字数严重不足。
另外，你要多看看范文，对于你这种情况，我建议背上几篇，看看这个帖，你心里会有些底：已更新!!我不是牛人我怕谁---17天复习方案,非牛人请进!
改你的作文很辛苦哦，继续加油，贵在坚持！！:)

[ 本帖最后由 siyuanding 于 2007-1-1 02:14 编辑 ]

leonardowangUID: 2285975

首先，非常感谢siyuanding组长如此认真细致的修改和详细的建议，一定花了不少时间啊。

我通过改别人的文章也意识到了自己在用词，搭配方面差距很大啊。。。
确实如你所说，我句式，用词，素材积累不够，希望现在开始努力还来得及

另外，还有再自我批评一下，既然不限时，那么我如果在写句子时，再严谨一点，多多求证，错误也可再少一点的。。。

siyuandingUID: 2154137

加油:victory: