Issue134 【CSMY作文互改小组】第一次作业

yangfangisokUID: 2264598

望大家使劲提意见
Issue134 【CSMY作文互改小组】第一次作业
“Both parents and communities must be involved in the local schools. Education is too important to leave solely to a group of professional educators.

提纲
1.       专业教育者深知教育特点，能提供职业性教育。
2.       父母和社会也应该参与到教育中来。
3.       父母和社会能针对性地提供教育。

Do only professional educators must be responsible for education? To some extent the speaker is right. Professional educators are better at education than parents and communities. Nonetheless, parents and communities are part of the environment where children live. So, they have to be involved in the local school as professional educator.

I concede that professional educators, most of whom are teachers, professor and so on, know education very well. Professional educators accept education training. They clearly understand the physical, psychology and brain development of pupil, high school students, senior school students, undergraduate students and graduate students so that they can establish specially study plan for various students. For example, professors are always the expert in certain field. They can instruct master or PhD students to do experiment. They teach them how to establish proper and credible plan, how to read literature and catch useful information, how to do efficiently experiment and how to write good paper. The work can not be done by parents and communities.

However, parents and communities must take part in the education. They play an important role in the education. Parents obviously take care of their children’s study when their children are too young to know how to efficiently listen, talk, read and write. When the children are too young to know what is right or wrong, what they can do or can not do, their parents should teach their children how to form right mortal value. So, the children who grow up will donate themselves to the development of country not destroy people’s safety and social stability. Everyone who lives in some community is the member of the community. So the community must educate their members to try their best to establish harmonious and stable community. Therefore, parents and communities must be responsible for education.

However, parents and communities can provide individual education, while professional educators do general education. Professional educator’ aim is to let each individual be educated as more as possible. They can not teach only one or two individual instead of a group of student who has the same age. Parents deeply know their own children. They can establish special plan according to their children’s personal characters. Individuals who share the common opinion join in the same community. So the leaders of community can educate their own members according to the community’s aim.

To sum up, not only professional educators but also parents and community are involved in the education. Professional educators, parents and community should take advantage of their own personality and play their own important role in the education.

提纲
Issue94
1.       学生应该被培养成通才而不是专才。
2.       获得本学科学术领域的知识也是全面受教育的一方面。
3.       获得真正教育的最好途径不仅是获得各学科的知识。

Issue98
1.       重在参与
2.       不能一味只注重过程，所获得的结果也很重要。
3.       科学的进步在于一个又一个的发明成果。

浮华如烟UID: 113618

“Both parents and communities must be involved in the local schools. Education is too important to leave solely to a group of professional educators.提纲1.       专业教育者深知教育特点，能提供职业性教育。2.       父母和社会也应该参与到教育中来。3.       父母和社会能针对性地提供教育。Do only professional educators must be responsible for education?[曾经有外教说过对中国人的这种提问式的开头感到boring ] To some extent the speaker is right. Professional educators are better at education than parents and communities. Nonetheless, parents and communities are part of the environment where children live. So, they have to be involved in the local school as professional educator.[这个因果关系前后感觉牵强，最好不要这么说，建议直接对作者的主张进行回应表明立场，到下文中进行展开分析你的缘由]I concede that professional educators, most of whom are teachers, professor and so on, know education very well. [为什么这么说呢？well是个给人感觉很泛泛的形容词，多用些精确的形容词]Professional educators accept education training. They clearly understand the physical, psychology and brain development of pupil, high school students, senior school students, undergraduate students and graduate students [没必要列这么多种学生。。]so that they can establish specially study plan for various students. For example, professors are always the expert in certain field. They can instruct master or PhD students to do experiment. They teach them how to establish proper and credible plan, how to read literature and catch useful information, how to do efficiently experiment and how to write good paper. The work can not be done by parents and communities.[句式单一了，且例子服务你的观点好像不是很连贯，如果你能在中间说明一下这些东西都需要专业知识的知道，而家长和社区都缺乏相应的专业知识，你再下这个结论是不是感觉逻辑上连贯一点呢？]However, parents and communities must take part in the education. They play an important role in the education. Parents obviously take care of their children’s study when their children are too young to know how to efficiently listen, talk, read and write. When the children are too young to know what is right or wrong, what they can do or can not do, their parents should teach their children how to form right mortal value. So[so用的太频繁了], the children who grow up will donate themselves to the development of country not destroy people’s safety and social stability. [还是前后因果的连贯问题？为什么教了孩子形成正确的道德观，孩子就不会去伤害社会？这前后没有必然关系吧！中间没有加上你这么认为的理由]Everyone who lives in some community is the member of the community. So the community must educate their members to try their best to establish harmonious and stable community. Therefore, parents and communities must be responsible for education.[是的，教育是离不开家长和社区，但是是否家长和社区就应该加入到LOCAL SCHOOLS呢？？，你没有给予回答]However,[你这里是对什么的转折，和上一段有转折关系？？？是不是In addition?] parents and communities can provide individual education, while professional educators do general education. Professional educator’ aim is to let each individual be educated as more as possible. They can not teach only one or two individual instead of a group of student who has the same age. Parents deeply know their own children. They can establish special plan according to their children’s personal characters. Individuals who share the common opinion join in the same community. So the leaders of community can educate their own members according to the community’s aim.[理由还是不充分。。是的家长能更有针对性，但是否具备专业性呢？是否会扰乱到正常的教学秩序呢？]To sum up, not only professional educators but also parents and community are involved in the education. Professional educators, parents and community should take advantage of their own personality and play their own important role in the education.

考虑到是第一篇，还是可以的，注意积累，加油！

candyganUID: 201665

Do only professional educators must be responsible for education? To some extent the speaker is right. Professional educators are better at education than parents and communities. [用teaching代替education会不会更好些？] Nonetheless, parents and communities are part[part 应该用parts ] of the environment where children live. So,[一般在单音节的连接复词后面不加逗号，如so, yet, thus] they have to be [表示需要这里用should be会不会比“不得不have to do”更好？] involved in the local school as professional educator[].
I concede[] that professional educators, most of whom are teachers, professor[单复数错误，professor改成professors] and so on, know education very well. Professional educators accept education training. They clearly understand the physical, psychology and brain development of pupil[单复数错误，pupil改成pupils], high school students, senior school students, undergraduate students and graduate students so that they can establish specially study plan[study不可做形容词，especially
不能修饰study, study plan 作为一个名词结构，specially 应该改成special, plan为可数名词，所以应改成special study plans.] for various students. For example, professors are always the expert in certain field. They can instruct master or PhD students to do experiment. They teach them how to establish proper and credible plan, how to read literature and catch useful information, how to do efficiently experiment and how to write good paper. [根据这两句的关系，改成复合句较好。For example, since professors are always the expert in certain field, they can instruct master or PhD students: they guide them how to make up a proper and credible schedule, how to read literature, how to catch useful information, how to do experiment efficiently and how to write a good paper.] The work can not[can not 改成cannot] be done by parents and communities.
However, parents and communities must take part in the education. They play an important role in the education.[这两句改成However, parents and communities must take part in the education due to their importance.] Parents obviously take care of their children’s study when their children are too young to know how to efficiently listen, talk, read and write. When the children are too young to know what is right or wrong, what they can do or can not do, their parents should teach their children how to form right mortal value. So, the children who grow up will donate themselves to the development of country not destroy people’s safety and social stability. Everyone who lives in some community is the member of the community. So [Thus] the community must educate their members to try their best to establish harmonious and stable community. [要有一些例子就更好了。] Therefore, parents and communities must be responsible for education.
However, parents and communities can provide individual education, while professional educators do general education.[该句改成However, while parents and communities can provide individual education, professional educators do general education.] Professional educator’ aim is to let each individual be educated as more as possible. They can not teach only one or two individual instead of a group of student who has the same age. [who are at the same age 比who has the same age更常用]  Parents deeply know their own children. They can establish special plan [将establish special plan换成make a particular plan] according to their children’s personal characters[表示人的特性用chracteristic比characer更好]. Individuals who share the common opinion join in the same community. So the leaders of community can educate their own members according to the community’s aim.
To sum up, not only professional educators but also parents and community are involved in the education. [It is a very good conclusion] Professional educators, parents and community should take advantage of their own personality [personality一般指人的个性，这里用characteristics会不会更好些？] and play their own important role in the education.

总结：
我很喜欢你关于“general eduxation” 和"indivudial education"的观点，还有，结尾不错。但是要注意的是：
1、段与段之间的逻辑关系要用恰当的关联词理顺。
2、段落内的句子之间要注意相互之间的关系，考虑到相互之间的关系来确定长短句的搭配。
3、多用一些实例来分析，这样会更有说服力。

总的来说，你还是把表达的意思说出来了，第一篇是最难写的，恭喜你哦！继续加油！

[ 本帖最后由 candygan 于 2007-1-2 21:49 编辑 ]