Argument147 【CSMY作文互改小组】第一次作业

yangfangisokUID: 2264598

望大家多提宝贵意见
Argument147 【CSMY作文互改小组】第一次作业
The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."

提纲
1.       样本缺乏代表性。
2.       即使承认样本具有代表性，也无法说明10到25年龄段的人想买W公司的产品，且他们买得起。
3.       即使10到25年龄段的人会买W公司的产品，也没有证据表明W公司的销售额会增加。

In this argument, the author cites the fact that the Whirlwind produces such games including lifelike graphics according to the result of the survey. Based on the evidence, the author substantiates that the sales of Whirlwind video games most probably increase in the following several months. However, the author’s argument relies on a series of dubious assumption, which render it wholly indefensible as it stands.

First of all, the arguer provides no assurance that the result of the survey on which the argument depends is statistically reliable. The author has not convinced me that the sample in the survey is representative of video-game players in general and what portion of the people 10 to 25 accounts for. Moreover, the author fails to show that whether the video-game players the author cites me is selected randomly. To strongly support the argument, the survey’s sample must be sufficient in size and representative of video-game players overall. In the absence of evidence of a sufficiently representative sample, the author can not justifiably draw any firm conclusion whatsoever based on the study.

Even assuming the results of the survey are sufficiently representative all video-game players, the author has not adequately shown that people 10 to 25 will buy the video-game produced by Whirlwind as well as how much people 10 to 25 could afford such video-game. The author offers no evidence that how many companies produce lifelike graphics. Perhaps there are so many corporations who can make such video-games and even their products are better than Whirlwind. People 10 to 25 have a lot of choice, so that they are not likely to buy the Whirlwind video-game. Given that people 10 to 25 are willing to afford the Whirlwind video-game, we do not know whether they can afford it or not. The author tells us that games with lifelike graphics require the most up-to-date computer, so it must be very expensive to play such games. People 10 to 25 are not sure to buy the Whirlwind video-game. In most cases, people 10 to 25 can not afford the games that provide lifelike graphics. The sales of Whirlwind are not certain to increase in several months.

Given that people 10 to 25 will can afford the Whirlwind video-game, there is no evidence provided by the author that the sales of the Whirlwind video-game will increase sharply in the following months. Many factors determine the sales’ increasing, including cost, service and quality. If the cost of such video-game is very high, the price will not very low. Then most individuals who are not very rich can not accept the price. They will choose not to buy it or look for another product. Service is more and more important for consumers in the modern society. In the precondition of the same quality and price product, consumers prefer the company who can provide good service. Even some consumers are willing to pay more money for good service. Quality will affect the consumer’s purchase. Consumers hope that the product they will purchase is worth the money they pay. Various factors contribute to the sales of video-game. We have to consider all of them not any single one.

To bolster the argument more logically, the author would have to provide better evidence concerning that all video-game players in the survey are representative of players 10 to 20. Additionally, useful would be specific information about the competitor of Whirlwind.

提纲：
Argument1
1.运动服销量的增加并不一定代表Plainesville居民喜欢运动，关注生活健康，并购买健康产品。
2.当地健康俱乐部的流行并不一定代表Plainesville居民会蜂拥购买NW公司的健康产品。
3.在校学生被要求参加锻炼，并不一定代表他们会购买NW公司的健康产品。
4.作者并没有做市场调查，没有考虑NW可能面对的市场竞争，无根据的得出会盈利的结论。

Argument2
1.七年前，Brookville地区因注重社区一体性而使该区房地产价格上涨。七年后，还会出现这样的情况吗？
2. 七年前，在Brookville地区庭院和房屋整体规划后，该区房地产价格上扬。这两件事只存在时间先后关系，并不存在因果关系。
3. Brookville地区和Deerhaven Acres地区不具有可比性。Granted that the increase of property value in Brookville results from execution of these restriction, the author fails to ponder possible discrepancy between Brookville and Deerhaven Acres that will lead to a wholly reversed result.

Argument3
1.法学院的学生去小公司工作可能还考虑其他方面的原因。
2.一年级法学院学生的观点并不能代表所有毕业生的观点，以偏盖全。
3.福利，刺激和缩短工作时间和工作满意度的概念不同。

Argument4
1.       公司的效率与公司的工作人员和动作时间不存在正比关系。
2.       A公司买的房价比F公司高，并不代表A公司效率更高。
3.       两个公司卖房的时间不一样，不具有可比性。

Argument5
1.       关节炎人数的增加并不表明B公司会盈利。利润取决于许多方面。
2.       样品不具备代表性
3.       新药X疗效怎样？是否能被消费者接受？在这些情况不知的前提下，作者无法得出PP公司将盈利的结论。

Argument6
1.       爵士音乐节和爵士广播节目受欢迎并不说明爵士俱乐部也会受欢迎。
2.       著名的爵士音乐家住在M地区并不说明爵士俱乐部也会受欢迎。
3.       全国调查的情况不一定适用于M地区。

Argument7
1.       去年，工厂数量增加和空气污染加剧并不一定与C的决策有关。
2.       呼吸道疾病的增加不一定全由环境污染所导致。
3.       即时环境污染加剧与C的决策有关，并不代表AG会做得比C好。

Argument8
1.       文章中无证据表明14-25岁这个年龄段的人会喜欢M食品。
2.       M食品在小范围内销售成功并不代表它在全国范围内也能销售成功（差异范围的草率推广）。
3.       M食品去年的利润增长可能是一个特例，或是因为DS的销售成功，而在其他年份，其他产品的销售可能是下降的。

Argument9
1.作者没有指出参与教授评价活动的学生数量，因而无法评价该制度在多大范围内影响学生的成绩。
2.O大学毕业生难找工作与此次教授评价活动只存在时间先后关系，并无因果关系。
3.众多情况未知，O大学与A大学毕业生就业情况不具有可比性。

Argument10
1.       奶牛场数量增加了，并不代表牛奶供应量也相应增加。
2.       EMF一个地方的奶牛价格并不代表全国奶价的变化情况。
3.       政府干涉可能会带来不良后果。

candyganUID: 201665

In this argument, the author cites the fact that the Whirlwind produces such games including lifelike graphics according to the result of the survey. Based on the evidence, the author substantiates that the sales of Whirlwind video games most probably increase in the following several months. However, the author’s argument relies on a series of dubious assumption, which render it wholly indefensible as it stands.[开头写得很好。]

First of all, the arguer provides no assurance that the result of the survey on which the argument depends is statistically reliable. The author has not convinced me that the sample in the survey is representative of video-game players in general and what portion of the people 10 to 25 accounts for. Moreover, the author fails to show that whether the video-game players the author cites me is selected randomly. To strongly support the argument, the survey’s sample must be sufficient in size and representative of video-game players overall. In the absence of evidence of a sufficiently representative sample, the author can not [cannot] justifiably draw any firm conclusion whatsoever based on the study.

Even assuming the results of the survey are sufficiently representative all video-game players, the author has not adequately shown that people [aged at] 10 to 25 will buy the video-game produced by Whirlwind as well as how much people 10 to 25 [people 10 to 25 改成 people aged between 10 to 25] could afford such video-game. The author offers no evidence that how many companies produce lifelike graphics. Perhaps there are so many corporations who can make such video-games and even their products are better than Whirlwind. People 10 to 25 [years old] have a lot of choice [名词单复数，choice改成choices], so that they are not likely to buy the Whirlwind video-game. Given that people 10 to 25 are willing to afford the Whirlwind video-game, we do not know whether they can afford it or not. The author tells us that games with lifelike graphics require the most up-to-date computer, so [so用得太多了] it must be very expensive to play such games. People [aged at] 10 to 25 are not sure to buy the Whirlwind video-game. In most cases, [商榷一下，这个短语很好，但是用时语境里是否应该提到很多具体的例子？这里换成It is more likely that会不会好些？] people 10 to 25 can not afford the games that provide lifelike graphics. The sales of Whirlwind are not certain to increase in several months.

Given that people 10 to 25 will can afford the Whirlwind video-game[这句改成Given that people 10 to 25 years old are willing to buy and can afford the product], there is no evidence provided by the author that the sales of the Whirlwind video-game will increase sharply in the following months. Many factors determine the sales’ increasing, including cost, service and quality. [At first,]If the cost of such video-game is very high, the price will not very low. Then most individuals who are not very rich can not accept the price. They will choose not to buy it or look for another product. [Secondly,] Service is more and more [more and more 可以考虑换成increasely试试] important for consumers in the modern society. In the precondition of the same quality and price product, consumers prefer the company who can provide good service. Even some consumers are willing to pay more money for good service.[Thirdly,] Quality will affect the consumer’s purchase. Consumers hope that the product they will purchase is worth the money they pay. [Therefore,]Various factors contribute to the sales of video-game. We have to consider all of them not any single one.

To bolster the argument more logically, the author would have to provide better evidence concerning that all video-game players in the survey are representative of players 10 to 20. Additionally, useful would be specific information about the competitor of Whirlwind.

[总结：语句很流畅,逻辑上也比较通顺，特别是内容部分三个段落间层层递进的关系写得很好。第一篇能写得这么好是很值得鼓励的！
建议：1、段落内的拓展句与主题句之间的关系多考虑用一些连接副词会更加清晰。
      2、注意用义词语的替换，特别是关键词语。]