Argument147 【CSMY作文互改小组】第一次作业 第一稿修订中

siyuandingUID: 2154137

Argument147（2005年2-9月总频47次）
The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."


In this argument, the arguer concludes that a two-year decline in sales of Whirlwind (WW)'s video games is about to reverse itself, and that sales will increase dramatically in the next few months. To justify this claim, the arguer cites the result of a recent survey that video-game players suggest a preference of games providing realistic graphics. In addition, the arguer provide another evidence that WW has just launched an extensive advertising campaign for such games directed at people 10 to 25 years old--the group most likely to play video games. A careful examination of this argument would reveal how groundless the conclusion is.

In the first place, the arguer fails to assure if the survey is based on data statically reliable. While this survey does not cover the whole population of video-game players, the arguer can not predict the increase of sales of video games. Maybe, the number of player surveyed was too low to present what plays really like in video games.

In addition, even if the advertising campaign could attract many players to WW's new games, the arguer has not provided evidence that sales will increase during the next few months. Perhaps WW's new video games are too expensive. Or perhaps other companies are also introducing the same type of games with low prices and more attractive features. Unless the arguer also takes all these factor into consideration, I do not think there would be any possibility of sales' increase in the next few months.

To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility that sales of WW'S video games is about to increase in the next few months, because the evidence cited in the analysis such as the survey does not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To strengthen the argument, the argument would have to provide a more scientific survey and evidence concerning the market of video games.

写的真的是很菜，只是为了急着交作业，修改中

lonixUID: 2202232

Argument147（2005年2-9月总频47次）The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."


In this argument, the arguer concludes that a two-year decline in sales of Whirlwind (WW)'s video games is about to reverse itself, and (that) this sales will increase dramatically in the next few months. To justify this claim, the arguer cites the result of a recent survey that video-game players suggest a preference of games providing realistic graphics. In addition, the arguer provide another evidence that WW has just launched an extensive advertising campaign for such games directed at people 10 to 25 years old--the group most likely to play video games. A careful examination of this argument would reveal how groundless the conclusion is (这句话学得挺好的).In the first place, the arguer fails to assureif the survey is based on data statically reliable （是数据还是调查不reliable呢?这句好像有问题）. While this survey does not cover the whole population of video-game players （不可能也没有必要去囊括所有的玩家）, the arguer can not predict the increase of sales of video games. Maybe, the number of player surveyed was too (low) few to present what plays really like in video games.In addition, (在退一步说之前，最好把前面的作者的观点补全一下) even if the advertising campaign could attract many players to WW's new games, the arguer has not provided evidence that sales will increase during the next few months （这个句子出现了好几遍了，最好换一个其他的说法）. Perhaps WW's new video games are too expensive. Or perhaps other companies are also introducing the same type of games with low prices and more attractive features （两个也许，内容太相近的）. Unless the arguer also （去掉also） takes all these factor into consideration, I do not think there would be any possibility of sales' increase in the next few months.(这句也有问题，“我不信”最好改成“作者不能使我相信”)To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility that sales of WW'S video games is about to increase in the next few months, because the evidence cited in the analysis such as the(去掉) survey does not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To strengthen the argument, the argument would have to provide a more scientific survey and （a more scientific evidence ?应该是更多的证据或者实例）evidence concerning the market of video games.

点评：
（1）       文章说出了两个作者比较大的纰漏，但是就文章开头所说的广告运动，只是提了一下，没有展开去说，也就不能递进到第三段的内容了。最好在第二、三之间加一段吧。
（2）       文章分卸略显不够透彻，给人的感觉就是很零乱，虽然指出了两个大点的纰漏，但是还是没有从根本上就出作者的逻辑错误。
（3）       和Issue文章一样，最好把文章标题内容用自己的话来说，更多地运用复杂的句式，这样更能显出你的英语表达功底。
（4）       文章开头稍显原文叙述过多。