Issue51【CSMY作文互改小组】第二次作业

lonixUID: 2202232

【题目1】Issue51"Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student."【翻译】只有针对每个学生的需要和兴趣，教育才真正地有效率.
提纲：
部分赞同部分反对：把教育效率的评价标准简单化了
(1). 在某种程度上，根据学生的兴趣来安排教育是有益的。
(2). 可是，教育是大众的教育，不可能照顾到每个学生。
(3). 而且，个人选择的自由是有条件的，过分自由不适合大部分学生的发展。
(4). 只有培养出来的个体能很快推动社会的进步和人类的发展，教育才是有效的。

words : 768               data: 2007-1-2

I agree with the statement that education designed should incorporate into individual needs and interests of each student, but can this way really improve the efficiency of education? Apparently, the speaker ignores that there are various levels of education and oversimplifies the assessment criterion of education. In my opinion, education would be truly effective only when it improves the life of citizen and pushes ahead the development of society.

(1). 在某种程度上，根据学生的兴趣来安排教育是有益的。
To some extent it is necessary and even helpful for faculty to arrange students’ curricula according to their needs and interests. With the teachers’ help, students can spread their curiosity into whatever field they like. Education freedom sets up their inner drive and motivates their actions toward understanding better what they carried out. It provides enough space to create students’ autonomy and creativity. This makes them engaged in what they are eager to know. They cannot have to do those their teachers expect, and there is also no need for them to be obliged to work competitively with their classmates and even unnecessary to worry about the undue homework assigned as current students do. What they really need are their endless passion and curiosity placed on their interests. As an old saying goes: “Interest is the best teacher”, one needs to look no further than twenty century when born a great number of giants who make sensational impacts on the world, such as Bill Gates and his Microsoft Empire, and Steve Jobs and his Macintosh. Both of them were not finishing college work, but can we say that the education of U.S. is illegitimate? Of course we can’t. On the contrary, we should thank education provides lots of opportunities for us to exert our thoughts. It attributes to the arranged education that arouses our interests and curiosity about the unknown that urges the scientific progress and society’s advancement.  

(2). 可是，教育是大众的教育，不可能照顾到每个学生。
Although an ideal of designing courses according to students’ needs and interests seems advantageous, but we cannot neglect the reality that there are few such students like Gates and Jobs who have tremendous curiosity on and volunteer to devote all their life to their interests. Therefore, education cannot be designed only for those elite. Besides, the purpose of education lies not only on individuals’ creativity and intelligence but also their personality and morality, so we should create general but not specific education to boost individuals’ all-round development. As we know, different students are born with different backgrounds and they cannot all see things in the same way. According to their backgrounds and love, can we assign a teacher for each one of them? At least we can’t at present. There is no doubt that every country, even every community has its own fundamental education which is designed for most students aimed at developing their personality and correct philosophy, such as China’s nine-year compulsory education and America’s K-12 education. Real freedom of education is starting from college where the diversity of interests can be satisfied with.

(3). 而且，个人选择的过分自由是有条件的，不适合大部分学生的发展。
As is known to all, relative freedom can propel individual’s development, but the entire freedom of individual choice would undermine such development. Freedom is conditioned that not all students can benefit from it. It is only prepared for those prodigies with born talents, who always pack their time into what they are interested with. The society is fraught with allurement that we cannot stay all day in laboratory. For example, assiduous students use personal computer to study while lazy ones use it to play games. In order to help students finish college and better accommodate to the society, schools have to formulate some compulsory courses to regulate their actions. At this point, we cannot design curricula according to student’s needs. After all, the function of education at any level is to develop students’ personality and help them contribute to the society.

(4). 只有培养出来的个体能很快推动社会的进步和人类的发展，教育才是有效的。
The criterion to assess education’s effectiveness depends on whether the individuals it trained have propelled the society’s development and civilization progress. We cannot oversimplify the effectiveness of education only by whether we design it according to students’ need and interests. There are lots of things need to be considered, including not only fundamental education designed by communities and authorities but also interests and needs of individuals vital to their creativity and personality.

In conclusion, in order to bring up a generation which will make great to our society, we should not only strengthen our fundamental education but also pay more attention to specific education aimed at cultivating student’s creativity and personality. What is more, individuals’ needs and interests should also be considered into education enactment that our society can benefit more.
  

[ 本帖最后由 lonix 于 2007-1-3 09:29 编辑 ]

siyuandingUID: 2154137

I agree with the statement that education designed[孤零零的designed，要么去掉要么加个形容词或分词或从句] should incorporate[designed should incorporate读不懂？？] into individual needs and interests[应该是needs and interests should be incorporated into the education，要么把into去掉] of each student, but can this way really improve the efficiency of education? [像这样先让步再设问再转折的开头，我觉得不妥，既然你同意了，为什么还要质疑，难道你同意那种低效率的教育？]Apparently, the speaker ignores that there are various levels of education and oversimplifies the assessment criterion of education. In my opinion, education would be truly effective only[这个only是不是跟让步相冲突] when it improves the life of citizen and pushes ahead the development of society.
[这种先让步再设问再转折的开头是你杜撰的吧，很新颖但反而弄巧成拙，设问再让步再转折的开头方式已经很好了]

(1). 在某种程度上，根据学生的兴趣来安排教育是有益的。
To some extent it is necessary and even helpful for faculty to arrange students’ curricula according to their needs and interests. With the teachers’ help, students can spread their curiosity into whatever field[fields] they like. Education freedom[The freedom of education,但这又解释不通。应该是灵活多样的教学安排把] sets up[找不到set up inner the drive, reinforce是否行？] their inner drive and motivates their actions[两个激发是否累赘？] toward understanding better what they carried out[给我的感觉是绕着弯儿说话，可以说直接点，我用的是irrigate the thirst for]. It provides enough space to create[cultivate] students’ autonomy[independence吧] and creativity[能create creativity吗？]. This makes them engaged in[加studying] what they are eager to know. They cannot[do not] have to do those their teachers expect, and there is also no need for them to be obliged to work competitively with their classmates[这句累赘，可以说they are not obliged to compete with their classmates] and even unnecessary to worry about the undue homework assigned as current students[这是在校生的意思] do[as用的不对，难道是和当今学生一样不用愁完不成作业吗？]. [写复合句要么组织好，要么用分号隔开，表一个意群]What they really need are their endless[不够地道，用abiding或consuming] passion and [insatiable]curiosity placed on their interests. As an old saying goes: “Interest is the best teacher”, one needs to look[加to] no further than twenty[20th] century when born a great number of giants[giants were born] who make sensational impacts on the world, such as Bill Gates and[with] his Microsoft Empire, and Steve Jobs and[with] his Macintosh. Both of them were not finishing college work[had not finished college education], but can we say that the education of U.S. is illegitimate[useless]? Of course we can’t. On the contrary, we should thank[thank可以接从句吗？请指教] education provides lots of opportunities for us to exert[spare] our thoughts. It attributes to the arranged education [the flexible arrangement of the teaching program] that [没主语，如果是定语从句那it指什么]arouses our interests and curiosity about the unknown that urges the scientific progress and society’s advancement[简洁些，the progress of society (and science)].  
[我觉得，这段在举例前和举例后的论证是不是重了，都在讲个体化教育大方面的好。是不是应该这样处理，要么再举例后一笔带过简单作一总结，要么就深入下去探讨更深的问题。像你这样，我觉得很罗嗦]

(2). 可是，教育是大众的教育，不可能照顾到每个学生。
Although an ideal of designing courses according to students’ needs and interests seems advantageous, but we cannot neglect the reality that there are few such students like Gates and Jobs who have tremendous curiosity on and volunteer to devote all their life to their interests. Therefore, education cannot be designed only for those elite. Besides, the purpose of education lies not only on individuals’ creativity and intelligence but also their personality and morality, so we should create general but not specific education to boost individuals’ all-round development. As we know, different students are born with different backgrounds and they cannot all see things in the same way. According to their backgrounds and love, can we assign a teacher for each one of them? At least we can’t at present. There is no doubt that every country, even every community has its own fundamental education which is designed for most students aimed at developing their personality and correct philosophy, such as China’s nine-year compulsory education and America’s K-12 education. Real freedom of education is starting from college where the diversity of interests can be satisfied with.

(3). 而且，个人选择的过分自由是有条件的，不适合大部分学生的发展。
As is known to all, relative freedom can propel individual’s development, but the entire freedom of individual choice would undermine such development. Freedom is conditioned that not all students can benefit from it. It is only prepared for those prodigies with born talents, who always pack their time into what they are interested with. The society is fraught with allurement that we cannot stay all day in laboratory. For example, assiduous students use personal computer to study while lazy ones use it to play games. In order to help students finish college and better accommodate to the society, schools have to formulate some compulsory courses to regulate their actions.[很具体，很好] At this point, we cannot design curricula according to student’s needs. After all, the function of education at any level is to develop students’ personality and help them contribute to the society.
[此段跟前一段感觉是讲的一个意思，可以并为一段]

(4). 只有培养出来的个体能很快推动社会的进步和人类的发展，教育才是有效的。
The criterion to assess education’s effectiveness depends on whether the individuals it trained have propelled the society’s development and civilization progress. We cannot oversimplify the effectiveness of education only by whether we design it according to students’ need and interests. There are lots of things need to be considered, including not only fundamental education designed by communities and authorities but also interests and needs of individuals vital to their creativity and personality. [三个长句，是不是加个简单句缓缓劲]
[这一段不够深入，不具体，而且从论证上显得跟前面很不匀称（论证不足）]

In conclusion, in order to bring up a generation which will make great to our society, we should not only strengthen our fundamental education but also pay more attention to specific education aimed at cultivating student’s creativity and personality. What is more, individuals’ needs and interests should also be considered into education enactment that our society can benefit more.

[总体思路很清晰—先谈一方面的好，再转而谈他的不好，再进一步说需要注意另外一方面，赞一个。但安排上是不是3、4自然段并为一段，他们讲的是一个意思，我主张用三个主体段，考试的时候这三段就够让你头疼的了
第二，还是那句话，specific, specific, and specific(具体具体再具体)，三、五自然段尤其欠缺，二四自然段也需要加强，白话太多呀
第三，句式变化还是不错的，只是长句比较多，不可忽视短句的作用噢！而且有时候矫揉造作，其实你可以直接把话说出来，不用故意插个分词或从句；有意识的打磨好句子很重要，但精炼才是第一要义！
第四，用词，这是最大的问题，包括我在内，是写作新手最头疼的问题。我看得出来你在用词上肯定绞尽脑汁把 ，值得表扬，但这还不够，要多查字典，要充分利用google强大的搜索功能(你可以找一些关于google搜索功能的文章)，找到某个词最地道的用法。而你可好了，自己想到一个就直接用上了，也不考证考证是不是可以这么用，我只帮你纠正了第一、二段的错误，其他段还有很多很多，你要有耐心，需要一个一个捉摸，写文章这个最花时间
第五，鼓励一下，文章整体还是不错的，看你交作业倒挺快，但要保证质量哦
以上都是我个人的建议，如有不当之处请指正，其实你的许多问题也是我的问题，我也很菜，但贵在坚持，就肯定会有提高]

[ 本帖最后由 siyuanding 于 2007-1-7 13:33 编辑 ]