Issue5 【CSMY作文互改小组】第三次作业DADA‘

DIDOROSEUID: 2183292

Issue5【题目2】A nation should require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer."


1.      National curriculum does has its merit
Easier for college to arrange courses, give students a equal start
Could evaluate a student equally
Cultivate a uniform value system which is good for the harmony of society.
2.  However, it could not need the needs of students in different parts of country.
3. Could let the govenment regulate the core course and give schools or states the right to offer some necessary others.

The speaker asserts that students should study national curriculum before they enter college. I concede that a national curriculum does have its merits, however, the curriculum better be decided together by nation and state.

First of all, a national curriculum assures that all the students in nation equipped with the same formation of knowledge before they graduating from high schools, which benefit the students as well as the colleges and universities. As for students, a national curriculum guarantees a sense of equality. No one would be frustrated because others have already learned some relative classes in their schools. All freshmen are at a same scratch line, and the only way to get ahead is to be diligent. As for the educators, knowing exactly how much have the students already learned helps them form a range of suitable courses to meet the needs of the students.

Secondly, a national curriculum helps the educators to set a national standard in evaluating students. If the courses vary widely from school to school, it might take a long time for universities to judge students with different academic background which would be time-consuming and beget problems. Just imagine when one physical department of a college have to choose between two applicants, the former is eligible and have taken physical classes for three years during high school, the later is an excellent one but only study physic for one year, the question of which one should be chosen might seems puzzling and calls for enough consideration. Under a national curriculum, the process of selection would be much easier and fair.

Thirdly, a national curriculum enables the federal government to supervise the local schools. On the one hand, national curriculum could improve instruction of school by complement the curriculum with pivotal subject such as mathematics, science, foreign languages and ethics which usually neglected by the local districts, even state government. On the other hand, federal government could qualify the performance of schools by national tests once a year or so on several core subjects to keep the efficiency of schools. This could hardly happen when schools offers different courses on different schedule for each grade of students.


Nevertheless, we should see some negative aspects in a national curriculum. An apt illustration is schools in the ethnic communities. The minorities’s traditional culture need to be preserved and promoted by offering courses related to their language and culture which is important both for the students and the harmony of society. Without such education the students might lack recognition to their own culture and gradually lose their culture identity which is also a loss of culture diversity for our society. In addition, a national curriculum could not be a perfect one, and it’s the educators’ nature to seek for a better one. It is entirely possible that a more qualified educator figure out a more effective way to arrange the curriculum to meet the students’ need, however, under a national regulation his proposal would undergone a long period before it could be finally implement, whereas in local districts the process would be shorten to a large extent. Moreover, competition among schools could keep their efficiency in education. Although we could make the game more fair by set a constant law, but we risk missing the chance to cultivate the outstanding ones in our society. Famous schools cultivate the intelligent ones by using more strict discipline and more profound courses. If government deprives their rights to do so, it is equally deprive the right of the intelligent to be fully educated.


In sum, a national curriculum does have its advantages in educating the students equally and evaluating them fairly. However, for the well-being of society as well as for the students, federal government should at most be involved in deciding the core subjects in curriculum, and local schools or the states should be granted the right to offer some elective courses as a complement to the national curriculum.




[ 本帖最后由 DIDOROSE 于 2007-1-5 22:28 编辑 ]

浮华如烟UID: 113618

Issue5【题目2】A nation should require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer."


1.      National curriculum does has its merit Easier for college to arrange courses, give students a equal start Could evaluate a student equally
Cultivate a uniform value system which is good for the harmony of society.
2.  However, it could not need the needs of students in different parts of country.
3. Could let the govenment regulate the core course and give schools or states the right to offer some necessary others.
//提纲列的稍微规范一些，起码句子不要是个缺成分的句子



The speaker asserts that students should study national curriculum before they enter college.[不要复述原句，另外这里最好把作者所建议的理由带上] I concede that a national curriculum does have its merits, however, the curriculum better be[加个should] decided together by nation and state.[你这里的however后面的句子让我觉得很突然，最好这里陈述一下你的简单理由][开头所要达到的结构吧就是题目背景或者称对题目的看法+明确的立场＋简单的理由]

First of all, a national curriculum assures that all the students in nation[＋can be] equipped with the same formation[建议用fundament] of knowledge before they[their] graduating from high schools, [后面的这个从句另起一句吧]which [+would]benefit the students as well as the colleges and universities. As for students, a national curriculum [换个词吧，a countrywide formal course?]guarantees a sense of equality. No one would be frustrated because others have already learned some relative classes in their schools.[前面这句话再斟酌一下吧因为其它人已经学过相关的课程所以没有人会因此而灰心？这个逻辑是什么] All freshmen are at a same scratch line, and the only way to get ahead is to be diligent. As for the educators[不要用AS FOR了，换with respect to或者Regarding], knowing exactly how much have the students already learned helps them form a range of suitable courses to meet the needs of the students[不要用student罗，好多词呢learner,children,pupil].[本段没有总结哦]

Secondly, a national curriculum helps the[去掉the,没有特指] educators to set a national[一个句子之内忌出现两个相同的形容词] standard in evaluating students. If the courses vary widely from school to school, it might take a long time for universities to judge students with different academic background [+,]which would be time-consuming and beget problems[改成onerous work]. Just imagine when one physical department of a college have to choose between two applicants, the former[+one] is eligible and have taken physical classes for three years during high school, the later[+student] is an excellent one but only study physic for one year, the question of which one should be chosen might seems [+to be]puzzling and [另起一句吧，或者用个从句，要不然句子变得很杂糅了]calls for enough consideration.[这个例子怎么说呢，总感觉不是很好] Under a national curriculum[这个词不要再重复了，可以这么说阿，under such circumstance,或者Through this way或者In this sense], the process of selection would be much easier and fair.

Thirdly, a national curriculum enables the federal government to supervise the local schools. On the[去掉THE] one hand, national curriculum could improve instruction of school by complement the curriculum with pivotal subject such as mathematics, science, foreign languages and ethics which usually [MM,你的被动句老是忘了BE动词]neglected by the local districts, even state government.[例子没有说服力，为什么这些重要的科目被经常遗忘掉呢？这和我的常识不符合] On the other hand, federal government could qualify the performance of schools by national tests once a year or so on [没看过OR SO ON的用法，另外on the other hand 和前面的on one hand是用来表达对立的观点]several core subjects to keep the efficiency of schools[这后半句话又杂糅了，没看明白意思]. This could hardly happen when schools offers different courses on different [很多同义词阿，various,multiform等] schedule for each grade of students.

Nevertheless, we should see some negative aspects in a national curriculum.[TS不要老是用简单句，特别老是以人为主语] An apt illustration is schools in the ethnic communities. The minorities’s traditional culture need to be preserved and promoted by offering courses related to their language and culture which is important both for the students[the glory of students’ own tribe] and the harmony of society[这个理由就很好嘛]. Without such education the students might lack recognition to their own culture and gradually lose their culture identity which is also a loss of culture diversity for our society[这里写的就不错]. In addition, a national curriculum could not be a perfect one, and it’s the educators’ nature to seek for a better one. It is entirely possible[argument的句式，尽量不要用哦] that a more qualified educator figure out a more effective way to arrange the curriculum to meet the students’ need[换satisfy the…demand], however, under a national [换uniform，不要老是用national]regulation his proposal would undergone a long period before it could be finally implement[ed], whereas in local districts the process would be shorten to a large extent. Moreover, competition among schools could [conduce to 或者help to ，不要把话说的那么死，采取了某个措施对什么什么有帮助，而不要称一定会怎么怎么样]keep their efficiency in education[哪方面的效率，详细一点，显的泛泛了]. Although we could make the game more fair by set a constant law, but we risk missing the chance to cultivate the outstanding ones in our society.[之间衔接一下吧，别一下子跳到例子] Famous schools cultivate the intelligent ones by using more strict discipline and more profound courses. If government deprives their rights to do so, it is equally deprive the right of the intelligent to be fully educated.[加个总结]

In sum, a national curriculum does have its advantages in educating the students equally and evaluating them fairly. However, for the well-being of society as well as for the students, federal government should at most be involved in deciding the core subjects in curriculum, and local schools or the states should be granted the right to offer some elective courses as a complement to the national curriculum.[结尾基本上合格吧]

采用的是平衡观点的写法，但是结构布局不是很好
采用了三大段来陈述了优点，一个段落来陈述缺点（虽然这个段比较长一点）
平衡观点我比较倾向于段落结构上也要平衡
就是一段优点＋一段缺点＋结合两者或者提出自己的看法
还是很有潜力的孩子，加油哈哈



[ 本帖最后由 浮华如烟 于 2007-1-6 00:28 编辑 ]

DIDOROSEUID: 2183292

The speaker asserts that students should study national curriculum before they enter college.[不要复述原句，另外这里最好把作者所建议的理由带上] I concede that a national curriculum does have its merits, however, the curriculum better be[加个should] decided together by nation and state.[你这里的however后面的句子让我觉得很突然，最好这里陈述一下你的简单理由][开头所要达到的结构吧就是题目背景或者称对题目的看法+明确的立场＋简单的理由]

First of all, a national curriculum assures that all the students in nation[＋can be] equipped with the same formation[建议用fundament] of knowledge before they[their] graduating from high schools, [后面的这个从句另起一句吧]which [+would]benefit the students as well as the colleges and universities. As for students, a national curriculum [换个词吧，a countrywide formal course?]guarantees a sense of equality. No one would be frustrated because others have already learned some relative classes in their schools.[前面这句话再斟酌一下吧因为其它人已经学过相关的课程所以没有人会因此而灰心？这个逻辑是什么] （该打）All freshmen are at a same scratch line, and the only way to get ahead is to be diligent. As for the educators[不要用AS FOR了，换with respect to或者Regarding], knowing exactly how much have the students already learned helps them form a range of suitable courses to meet the needs of them[不要用student罗，好多词呢learner,children,pupil].[本段没有总结哦]

Secondly, a national curriculum helps the[去掉the,没有特指] educators to set a national[一个句子之内忌出现两个相同的形容词] standard in evaluating students. If the courses vary widely from school to school, it might take a long time for universities to judge students with different academic background [+,]which would be time-consuming and beget problems[改成onerous work]. Just imagine when one physical department of a college have to choose between two applicants, the former[+one] is eligible and have taken physical classes for three years during high school, the later[+student] is an excellent one but only study physic for one year, the question of which one should be chosen might seems [+to be]puzzling and [另起一句吧，或者用个从句，要不然句子变得很杂糅了]calls for enough consideration.[这个例子怎么说呢，总感觉不是很好](我也觉得不杂地，但是想用个例子又没想出合适的) Under a national curriculum[这个词不要再重复了，可以这么说阿，under such circumstance,或者Through this way或者In this sense], the process of selection would be much easier and fair.

Thirdly, a national curriculum enables the federal government to supervise the local schools. On the[去掉THE] one hand, national curriculum could improve instruction of school by complement the curriculum with pivotal subject such as mathematics, science, foreign languages and ethics which usually [MM,你的被动句老是忘了BE动词]neglected by the local districts, even state government.[例子没有说服力，为什么这些重要的科目被经常遗忘掉呢？这和我的常识不符合]（从资料里看来的，觉得可能有这些课程但是重视度不高比如教得比较浅，需要修改下） On the other hand, federal government could qualify the performance of schools by national tests once a year or so on [没看过OR SO ON的用法，（on 是接在后面的ON SUBJECT）另外on the other hand 和前面的on one hand是用来表达对立的观点]（这么多年了才晓得~~）several core subjects to keep the efficiency of schools[这后半句话又杂糅了，没看明白意思]（可以用全国统一的考试来审核学校的教育质量，以此来保持学校教育水平）. This could hardly happen when schools offers different courses on different [很多同义词阿，various,multiform等] （不晓得怎么的觉得用一样的词更有味道~~ 该改改~）schedule for each grade of students.

Nevertheless, we should see some negative aspects in a national curriculum.[TS不要老是用简单句，特别老是以人为主语]（恩认识到了谢谢） An apt illustration is schools in the ethnic communities. The minorities’s traditional culture need to be preserved and promoted by offering courses related to their language and culture which is important both for the students[the glory of students’ own tribe（可以这么用TRIBE么？感觉象土著一样）] and the harmony of society[这个理由就很好嘛]. Without such education the students might lack recognition to their own culture and gradually lose their culture identity which is also a loss of culture diversity for our society[这里写的就不错]（谢谢=））. In addition, a national curriculum could not be a perfect one, and it’s the educators’ nature to seek for a better one. It is entirely possible[argument的句式，尽量不要用哦]（好的） that a more qualified educator figure out a more effective way to arrange the curriculum to meet the students’ need[换satisfy the…demand], however, under a national [换uniform，不要老是用national]regulation his proposal would undergone a long period before it could be finally implement[ed], whereas in local districts the process would be shorten to a large extent. Moreover, competition among schools could [conduce to 或者help to ，不要把话说的那么死，采取了某个措施对什么什么有帮助，而不要称一定会怎么怎么样]（OK）keep their efficiency in education[哪方面的效率，详细一点，显的泛泛了]. Although we could make the game more fair by set a constant law, but we risk missing the chance to cultivate the outstanding ones in our society.[之间衔接一下吧，别一下子跳到例子] Famous schools cultivate the intelligent ones by using more strict discipline and more profound courses. If government deprives their rights to do so, it is equally deprive the right of the intelligent to be fully educated.[加个总结]（这后面就是一个例子，看来我TS没写好引起误会
修改为( Moreover, competition among schools which help to keep their efficiency usually show in the curriculum offered to their pupils. )Famous schools cultivate the intelligent ones by using more strict discipline and more profound courses. If government deprives their rights to do so, it is equally deprive the right of the intelligent to be fully educated. Although we could make the game more fair by set a constant law, but we risk missing the chance to cultivate the outstanding ones in our society.

In sum, a national curriculum does have its advantages in educating the students equally and evaluating them fairly. However, for the well-being of society as well as for the students, federal government should at most be involved in deciding the core subjects in curriculum, and local schools or the states should be granted the right to offer some elective courses as a complement to the national curriculum.[结尾基本上合格吧]

全文修改后会再贴一次