Argument65 【CSMY作文互改小组】第三次作业

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Argument65 【CSMY作文互改小组】第三次作业

The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States.

"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."

提纲：
1.      最新店里销售最高的奶酪是国产的，样本没有代表性。
2.      订阅者作为回应者，缺乏代表性。
3.      盈利的方式有很多种，不单单是文中所列的停止贮备很多进口奶酪，而主要集中于国产奶酪。

In this argument, the author cites the fact that domestic cheeses are best sold at author’s newest store, and that individual who subscribe the journal of Cheeses of the World magazine increasingly prefer domestic cheeses. On the basis of the evidence, the author substantiates that his corporation should stop stocking imported cheeses and concentrate mainly on domestic cheeses to improve profits. However, the author’s argument relies on a series of dubious assumption, which render it wholly indefensible as it stands.

First of all, the author provides no assurance that the result of the survey on which the argument depends is statistically reliable. The author has not convinced me that the newest store in the survey can be representative of a chain of cheese stores in general. The size of the sample is too limited so that the recommendation is unlikelihood. The small of the size of the sample, the less credible the conclusion is. In order to lend support to the assumption, the survey’s sample must be sufficient in size and representative of the overall cheese stores. In the absence of evidence of a sufficiently representative sample, the author can not confidently draw any firm conclusion whatsoever based on the study.

Additionally, the author has not convinced me that these respondents who subscribe the journal of Cheeses of the World magazine are representative of the overall population of people from all parts of the country. It is more likely that people who lean towards domestic cheeses are more willing to respond to the survey than others. Therefore, lacking evidence of a sufficiently representative sample, the author cannot justifiably draw any firm conclusion whatsoever based on the study.

Last but not at least, even assuming the above can lend strongly support the author’s conclusion, there is no evidence provided by the author that the profits of the author’s store will be improved in the future. Many factors determine the revenue’ increasing, including cost, service and taste. If the taste of domestic cheeses is not as good as imported cheeses, the consumer will not prefer domestic cheeses, let alone purchase them. Service is more and more important for consumers in the modern society. In the precondition of the same quality and price product, consumers prefer the store which can provide good service. Even some consumers are willing to pay more money for good service. Various factors contribute to the profits of cheese stores. We have to consider all of them not any single one.

To bolster the argument more logically, the author would have to provide better evidence concerning that it is worth for citizen to spend more money on the frequency of trash collection. Additionally, useful would be specific information about the reliability of survey.

staroceanUID: 2271193

提纲：
1.      最新店里销售最高的奶酪是国产的，样本没有代表性。
2.      订阅者作为回应者，缺乏代表性。
3.      盈利的方式有很多种，不单单是文中所列的停止贮备很多进口奶酪，而主要集中于国产奶酪。

In this argument, the author cites the fact that domestic cheeses are best sold at (the)author’s newest store(s), and that individual who subscribe the journal of Cheeses of the World magazine increasingly prefer domestic cheeses. On the basis of the evidence, the author substantiates that his corporation should stop stocking imported cheeses and concentrate mainly on domestic cheeses to improve profits. However, the author’s argument relies on a series of dubious assumption, which render it wholly indefensible as it stands.

First of all, the author provides no assurance that the result of the survey on which the argument depends is statistically reliable. The author has not convinced me that the newest store in the survey can be representative of a chain of cheese stores in general. The size of the sample is too limited so that the recommendation is unlikelihood. The small of the size of the sample, the less credible the conclusion is. In order to lend support to the assumption, the survey’s sample must be sufficient in size and representative of the overall cheese stores. In the absence of evidence of a sufficiently representative sample, the author can not confidently draw any firm conclusion whatsoever based on the study. （与其说很多代表性这样的空话不如说点具体的，其实这里调查的覆盖面上可以说的更具体一点，比如是不是这个杂志本身发行量就很小，而且买这个杂志的人可能是一些特别专业的奶酪fans，他们可能不能代表一般人的口味。）

Additionally, the author has not convinced （没必要用完成时吧，cannot convince）me that these respondents who subscribe the journal of Cheeses of the World magazine are representative of the overall population of people from all parts of the country. It is more likely that people who lean towards domestic cheeses are more willing to respond to the survey than others. Therefore, lacking evidence of a sufficiently representative sample, the author cannot justifiably draw any firm conclusion whatsoever based on the study.（我觉得这个可以和上一段放在一起。）

Last but not at least, even assuming the above（survey） can lend strongly（strong） support （to）the author’s conclusion, there is no evidence provided by the author that the profits of the author’s store will be improved in the future. Many factors determine the revenue’ （profit是revenur减去cost，收入不受费用影响的，利润才受）increasing, including cost, service and taste（这里这样用点奇怪，而且cost换成price比较好，如果要这样写，也要加上产品的。。。）. If the taste（我觉得这里说口味不好，毕竟人们prefer国产的原因应该就是口味，换成新鲜程度之类的好一点） of domestic cheeses is not as good as imported cheeses, the consumer will not prefer domestic cheeses, let alone purchase them（这里用let alone有点大，不prefer和不买差不多就是一回事，没什么明显的递进）. Service is more and more important for consumers in the modern society. In the precondition of the same quality and price product, consumers prefer the store which can provide good service. Even some consumers are willing to pay more money for good service. Various factors contribute to the profits of cheese stores. We have to consider all of them not any （but not just a）single one.

To bolster the argument more logically, the author would have to provide better evidence concerning that it is worth for citizen to spend more money on the frequency of trash collection. Additionally, useful would be specific information about the reliability of survey.(贴错了呢，但是我也改了)

恩，大体结构上问题不太大，应该更注意每段的饱满和角度的展开，拉了题目的一个问题，提纲建议如下：
提纲：
１．            作者认为人们喜欢国产cheese大过进口cheese基于了两个论据，但都不可靠
（１）我们最新的店里，卖得最好的都是国产的cheese，并不能说明所有店里国产cheese会更受欢迎。首先，应该比较国产和进口分别的销售率，而不是销售总量，可能进口的总量少，但是卖出去的比率很高，可能根本不够卖。就算销售的真的是国产的更好，也不一定是因为国产的cheese本身更受欢迎，有这个prefer国产的趋势。是不是因为新开店做了促销活动，国产的可能更便宜，可能和产品的摆放位置有关系，可能国产的位置更方便，更醒目。也可能是wf最近作了广告，只有这一时期的数据不能说明整体情况，更不能断定以后的趋势。
（２）杂志调查不能说明问题。cheese杂志的人，很可能是专业cheese喜好者，他们并不能代表所有的人，而买cheese的还是普通人多。也没说这个杂志是在哪里发行，调查的对象是不是覆盖了全国。如果不能证明这个杂志的调查对象代表了普遍倾向，那就说明不了问题。
２．            就算人们真的更喜欢国产cheese，停止进口储藏量是不是有效果，是best choice也很难说。利润是由成本和收入决定的，停止进口储藏量是减少了一部分的成本，但是其他因素会不会导致成本上涨很难说，比如国产的可能进价很高，这样成本很可能反倒高了。而且也没有充分证据表明这个收入会提高，人们更喜欢国产的，并不意味着他们会买我们公司的产品。这样考虑到，价格，商店的位置，购买的便利程度，竞争，产品质量，口味，等等，很可能其实我们集中来卖国产的，但是销售情况并不好，总之不考虑这些因素就说利润会上升，是很仓促的。


另外，不知道你是在哪学的模办呢，如果是自己找的要注意学完整的句子，更注意一点语法，如果是看了其他的范文，一定要小心，可能有的人写的也不是那么规范，个人还是推荐官方和北美，语言上的规范是别的所不能及的。


[ 本帖最后由 starocean 于 2007-1-11 22:43 编辑 ]

yangfangisokUID: 2264598

呵呵，我今天重新修改自己的A时，发现结尾照搬以前的，忘了改了。不好意思呀。
很感谢你给我改的作文，我今天拜读了你的有关如何写arrgument的文章，之前浮华如烟也一直推荐我看。很多观点，我比较赞同。北美的很多空洞的话，导致实质性的分析不透彻。我A的模板是参考新东方黄皮书最后一章范文，自己总结出来的模板。另，新东方黄皮书最后一章范文，其实就是北美范文上面的东东
我麻烦国外的一个朋友帮我改A,他把我的模板那些空洞的话，套话全删除了
我一直没头绪，不知I应该怎么写，不知能否能得到你的指点
我一直有这个想法，作文拿4分就行。我的I实在不行。所以我向把A写的好些。这样一平均一下，还比较有希望那4分。你的语言功底及思维能力都很棒。加油！真高兴认识你这样一位G友

yangfangisokUID: 2264598

我想从以下几个观点论述，
1. 应比较全国国产与进口奶酪的销售量，才可得出作者的结论。
2.调查的反应者缺乏代表性。北美范文经常只泛泛而谈样本没有代表性，的确应该具体指明。
3.一提起利润，就反射性地想到收入与成本。有很多因素决定利润。