Issue130 掺不忍睹的第一次全文,请热心的xdjm尽情的批判吧[南智二组第十五次作业]

可可@虫虫UID: 2263096

130 教育之下一代How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. 【130】现在孩子的社会化程度决定了社会的命运。可惜的是，我们还没有学会教孩子怎么样去建设一个更好的社会。

   The author makes an assertion that the future of our society is determined by how our children are socialized and we havn't got the proper way to educate our children to be competent to refine a better society. To some degree, i do not agree with the author. It is commonly accepted that children are flowers of the future and how they act determine what our society to be like, even though they can not be exposed to be socialization.  Too much pressure of building the world will be placed on them ,thus, weather our children grow up with healthy happy attitudes towards life is crucial to people, to be socialized is not enough.
  
    To begin with, the society is determined by many factors that act as fundamental needs in people' lives. Take resources on the earth for example, it can also determine the destiny of our society. The socialization of our children is only one aspect of the most significant ones. Therefore we can not demand children to take the whole  responsibilities, on the other hand ,we must also realize that children play a most important role in the development of society.
      
     Besides, if we educate our children with the only purpose that is making them more socialized to better handle the future of the society there will be no future. Firstly, the pressure on the children weakens their interests to life and gives them the impression that the society is practical and competitive along their whole lives. Secondly, the children will grow up holding the idea that they are the central of the world and regardless of other's opinions even show little respect to other people. Thirdly, the society can not develop in healthy way because everything goes around children is to how we can make our society keep on moving and neglect the basic rules of development

    Moreover a lot of problems exist among children in these days. For example, more and more crimes happen in children with low ages, the stronger and stronger desire many children hold for money , less consciousness of tolerance for others and so forth. If these problems can't be solved properly there are some dangerous in the future let alone bringing about a better society.

   However, we hasn't get the proper and effective way to educate children to work. Today, the education pay too much attention on how to instill in children with acknowledge and the skills needed to become adaptable to society while neglecting the basic purpose of education that is teaching  children sound morals and love .Both educators and teachers sometimes do not take children' interests and the abilities of innovation seriously enough, letting them use the same books, do the same work and so on .Most importantly, they miss the development in children' minds, they don't care about what the world seems to be in children' eyes, and they don't know what are children thinking about
    In conclusion, what we  must do right now is taking some measures to enhance our way in raising  up our children and making  them more capable to develop the society to right direction and in healthy way。

[ 本帖最后由 lastangel 于 2007-1-18 22:59 编辑 ]

可可@虫虫UID: 2263096

我写的真菜，而且不知道应该怎么论证，不知道先说什么后说什么，很郁闷，写了俩小时，而且感觉词汇都是高中的。。。。

qqwuweiyiUID: 2223826

      The author makes an assertion that the future of our society is determined by how our children are socialized and we haven’t got the proper way to educate our children to be competent to refine a better society. To some degree, i do not agree with the author. It is commonly accepted that children are flowers of the future and how they act(改成their actions是不是好点) determine what our society to be like, even though they cannot be exposed to be socialization.  Too much pressure of building the world will be placed on them, thus, weather（whether） our children grow up with healthy happy attitudes towards life is crucial to people, to be socialized is not enough.(小孩不仅要社会化，还要有健康乐观得态度)    
    To begin with, the society is determined by many factors that act as fundamental needs in people' lives. Take resources on the earth for example, it can also determine the destiny of our society. The socialization of our children is only one aspect of the most significant ones. Therefore we can not demand children to take the whole  responsibilities, on the other hand ,we must also realize that children play a most important role in the development of society. Therefore是所以，we must also realize that children play a most important role in the development of society.从你的写作中并没有看出那里可以得出这个结论。你想说对于社会命运的决定是多方面的，还向说明孩子也是重要的，但是论证不够。（社会的命运是多方面决定的，不仅是孩子。）  
         Besides, if we educate our children with the only purpose that is making them more socialized to better handle the future of the society there will be no future. Firstly, the pressure on the children weakens their interests to life and gives them the impression that the society is practical and competitive along their whole lives. Secondly, the children will grow up holding the idea that they are the central of the world and regardless of other's opinions even show little respect to other people. Thirdly, the society can not develop in healthy way because everything goes around children is to how we can make our society keep on moving and neglect the basic rules of development 句子表述有点问题，how we can make our society keep on moving 和neglect the basic rules of development并列在一起说不通，前面的is to连接也不妥当，干脆把这句话拆开说，比较清楚。（不能为一个目的去教育孩子，）
      Moreover a lot of problems exist among children in these days. For example, more and more crimes happen in children with low ages, the stronger and stronger desire of many children hold for money, less consciousness of tolerance for others and so forth. If these problems can't be solved properly there are some dangerous in the future let alone bringing about a better society.（现在孩子存在的问题）
   However, we hasn't get the proper and effective way to educate children to work. Today, the education pay too much attention on how to instill in children with acknowledge and the skills needed to become adaptable to society while neglecting the basic purpose of education that is teaching  children sound morals and love .Both educators and teachers sometimes do not take children' interests and the abilities of innovation seriously enough, letting them use the same books, do the same work and so on .Most importantly, they miss the development in children' minds, they don't care about what the world seems to be in children' eyes, and they don't know what are children thinking about （现在教育方式的问题）
    In conclusion, what we  must do right now is taking some measures to enhance our way in raising  up our children and making  them more capable to develop the society to right direction and in healthy way。

首先，我觉得你提出的论点和你论证的论据没有明确的联系，也没有环环相扣，就是说你的论据并没有论证你的论点，思维觉得有点发散；论据4段有点太多了，你最好总结一下写2-3段，每一段要论证充分一点，我觉得however说的那一段的意思还是比较清楚地；还有，我看了你的文章还是没有明白你说的socialization是什么意思；最好写的时候先打一个中文提纲，我觉得这样写起来至少论点和论据能紧扣。呵呵，这个是我的看法，仅供参考，有不对的地方还请指正，有问题也可以一起讨论。

[ 本帖最后由 qqwuweiyi 于 2007-1-18 22:45 编辑 ]

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

楼主标题格式不对
格式要求见贴https://bbs.gter.net/thread-208286-1-1.html
这次帮楼主改掉了，希望下次楼主注意下

另外段落之间回车空行的话段首就不用4个字母退格了，如果退了格的话段落间就不要空行，一个是新的标准写法一个是老的写法，按自己喜好任取其一

可可@虫虫UID: 2263096

好的,明白,呵呵,谢谢.....