Argument26 [天下无G小组]我的第一篇argument

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第一篇argument, 感觉语言很生硬，请大家指点一下。
谢谢~

TOPIC: ARGUMENT26 - The following appeared in a memo from the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda.
"For the past five years, Mr. Charles Schade has been the music director at Steel City High School, and during that time the school band from Steel City High has won three regional band competitions. In addition, the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High has improved markedly over the past five years. Because of such successes at Steel City High, the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system."
WORDS: 516          TIME: 0:48:27          DATE: 2007-1-23

In the memo, the speaker analyzes the success of the music band of the Steel City High School and concludes two points. First is that hiring Mr. Charles Schade is the reason of the successes and the high qualitical facilities. The other is that in order to success as well, the Saluda school should hire Mr. Charles Schade to direct. However, I find the speaker neglects some points.

First and the most important is that hiring Mr. Charles Schade may not be the real reason of  the successes which Steel City High school attained. The speaker does not consider other aspects of the school in past five years, such as the students and other teachers. If there were more intelligent students or experienced teachers in the school, their contribution to the school may helpful to the successes. Another possible reason is that the handmaster of the school used a new way to run the education system of the school, so that it is benefical to the students in the band. Mr. Charles Schade May be not the only reason or even not the reason of the successes.

In additon, it is in past five years when the successes were attained by the school. The speaker does not refer to the recent condition of the Steel City High School and Mr. Charles Schade. We do not know whether Mr. Schade's way of direction is up to date now. Maybe he is retired now and does not have enough spirit to do the work.

Although we admit Mr. Charles Schade  is the true reason of the successes and he is still in good condition to do more work, the statement of the speaker can not be concluded either. The speaker does not compare the system and other conditions of the Steel City High School and the entire Saluda school system before going to the conclusion which may be too curtly. If the students and teachers in the two school and different or even the concepts of the education are far from each other, hiring Mr. Charles Schade may be no use to the Saluda, even would cause reversing consequence. For example, if the Steel City High School is a good school which is admired by most of the students liking music while the Saluda school is built up only a few months, hiring Mr. Charles Schade without improving the curriculum of the school and other aspects may be useless.

Last but not least, Mr. Charles Schade is successful in directing a school band. It is not sure that he could run a school system as well, for the system includes a large group of people unlike a school band with several members. The destination of runing a school is providing good education, far from the one of a band  which is winning in some competitions. So the speaker neglects the difference of the two country.

In short, the speaker does not consider several important points before concluding. As a result, the concludion may be not desirable. Hiring Mr. Charles Schade may not brings the success to the Saluda School as the speaker excepts.