argument117 微观状态小组第七次作业 诚恳排砖

aunknownUID: 2173661

TOPIC: ARGUMENT117 - The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.

"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores."
WORDS: 557          TIME: 上午 01:01:33          DATE: 2007-1-6

Before claiming that the office-supply department will become the most profitable component of our stores by stocking a large amount of office machines and office supplies, a complete examination to the evidence afforded by the author is needed. Without considering other some factors, the author assumes that the trend that people in growing numbers may work at home will lead to the sharp increase in needs of office machines and office supplies, which may have impaired the credibility of the argument.

First of all, the assumption that the need of office machine and office supplies will rapidly increase because of the work-at-home trend is unwarranted in that the author has overlooked a myriad of possible factors such as the quantities of work at home, the respondents’ professional, and so on. As is known to all, even if works actually increase by an extremely little extent, people generally feel discontent and claim that there have been quite large rise in works. As a result, although the trend that more and more people work at home is a case, the virtual quantities of work at home possibly augment most little. In addition, if all of respondents come from a same type of companies as soft industry, then it is fully likely that people only use their computers to do some works that do not need to use home office machines. Without taking the case into consideration, the author is too rashly to contend the increase in the profits of the office-supply departments.

Even assuming that the need for office machines and office supplies indeed will enhance, to claim that profits of the office-supply departments will boost by stocking quantities of office machine is ungrounded. In fact, whether a kind of goods can be sold well or not rests on many respects like its breed, the price, and the quality, and the situation of competitors, and so forth. If large amounts of office machines stoking by the office-supply departments are inferior and high price, it is entirely possible that they still cannot be sold well. Or due to the rise in the demand of office machines, many companies, although they did not sell similar products in the past, begin to sell them in order to gain profits, which might lead to the excessive supply and eventually result in the decline in prices and profits of products. Accordingly, lack of the consideration of these possibility, it is unconvincing to conclude that the office-supply departments will enhance their profits.

Finally, even if the office-supply departments can enhance their profits, there is no evidence to show that they will become the most profitable component of their stores. The author possibly has overlooked the sales conditions of other some departments like home-supply departments. In fact, due to the trend to work at home, people can stay at home for more long time than they did in the past, which will possible lead to the huge needs for the home appliances and some related products, such as televisions, ovens and refrigerators and so forth. Consequently, the rise in profits of the home-supply departments probably far outweighs the office-supply departments.

From what has been discussed above, we can safely arrive at the conclusion that unless the author provides more information about the surveyed people and other some departments, his or her contention can not convince us.

果小冻UID: 208370

TOPIC: ARGUMENT117 - The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.

"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores."
WORDS: 557          TIME: 上午 01:01:33          DATE: 2007-1-6

Before claiming that the office-supply department will become the most profitable component of our stores by stocking a large amount of office machines and office supplies, a complete examination to the evidence afforded by the author is needed. Without considering other some此处是否多余？ factors, the author assumes that the trend that people in growing numbers may work at home will lead to the sharp increase in needs of office machines and office supplies, which may have impaired the credibility of the argument.此句成分实在太复杂，抱歉，觉得有点乱。特别是标出来的那几个。
谈点我对开头的想法，说错见谅：）
首先，你很好的用自己的语言进行了提炼，没有重述原文，呵呵，赞个。
但是否可以把思路再理的清一些呢，我觉得你在指出它的漏洞的时候，前后两个句子的连接性我感觉还有些欠缺。我的想法是，这个argument最关键的错误在于它的前提，它所有推断都建立在the work-at-home trend is increasing，但是显然是无可靠根据的。其次，它的错误才在接下来的推断中间。
另外，我觉得可能在argument里面，有些句子还是需要细化，如你光写 other factors,就有点突兀。

First of all, the assumption that the need of office machine and office supplies will rapidly increase because of the work-at-home trend is unwarranted in that the author has overlooked a myriad of possible factors such as the quantities of work at home, the respondents’ professional, and so on. 恩，很好的提出了存在的前提错误，是否可以把中心句再提炼下呢？你的for example类的话可放在下面细展开来。这样既可以让你的中心突出，又能让文章充实感足，还能让条理清晰，呵呵As is known to all, even if works actually increase此处是否需要用虚拟 by an extremely little extent, people generally feel discontent and claim that there have been quite large rise in works. 抱歉，我总觉得你这个句子和上面的中心切合的不大合适。你的中心句指出的是前提中存在的错误，the work-at-home trend has increased证据不足，（而且你在表达的时候感觉有点把两层意思杂糅在一起了）但是你这个句子又笔锋一转，并没有顺着中心句的意思论证下去As a result, although the trend that more and more people work at home is a case, 是否开始乱了？呵呵，怎么又把这个前提作为a case啦？the virtual quantities of work at home possibly augment most little. In addition, if all of respondents come from a same type of companies as soft industry, then it is fully likely that people only use their computers to do some works that do not need to use home office machines. Without taking the case into consideration, the author is too rashly to contend the increase in the profits of the office-supply departments.sorry,我感觉你的这个段落有点乱，中心句和论证之间的关系是否可以再斟酌下下呢？呵呵，我觉得段落内部可以很清晰的分成三个层次：首先提出中心观点，也就是指出错误所在。其次，分析论证，此时需要注意尽量细化，要做到句句有根据，不要很泛泛的说哪边出了错。最后，用一个句子总结

Even assuming that the need for office machines and office supplies indeed will是否需要虚拟？ enhance, to claim that profits of the office-supply departments will boost by stocking quantities of office machine is ungrounded. 赞~~这个中心句跟上面相比精练的多In fact, whether a kind of goods can be sold well or not rests on many respects like its breed, the price, and the quality, and the situation of competitors, and so forth.展开的不错。赞 If large amounts of office machines stoking by the office-supply departments are inferior and high price, it is entirely possible that they still cannot be sold well. Or due to the rise in the demand of office machines, many companies, although they did not sell similar products in the past, begin to sell them in order to gain profits, which might lead to the excessive supply and eventually result in the decline in prices and profits of products. Accordingly, lack of the consideration of these possibility, it is unconvincing to conclude that the office-supply departments will enhance their profits.觉得这个层次很清晰，展开的也很好，赞

Finally, even if the office-supply departments can enhance their profits, there is no evidence to show that they will become the most profitable component of their stores. The author possibly has overlooked the sales conditions of other some departments like home-supply departments. In fact, due to the trend to work at home, people can stay at home for more long time than they did in the past, which will possible lead to the huge needs for the home appliances and some related products, such as televisions, ovens and refrigerators and so forth. 此处给出原因时候时候可以考虑其他原因呢？比如说考虑到其他department的情况Consequently, the rise in profits of the home-supply departments probably far outweighs the office-supply departments.

From what has been discussed above, we can safely arrive at the conclusion that unless the author provides more information about the surveyed people and other some departments, his or her contention can not convince us.结尾还可以再丰满些
说的错的地方请多多原谅，呵呵，很尽力的看了，觉得很不错的，可能在首段的思路上还可以清晰点。Anyway,我可能说的不对，包涵~~

aunknownUID: 2173661

真是荣幸呀，得到小小妹妹的尽心赐教。感激呀！早先看过你的文章，那个叫佩服呀！也很敬佩你的毅力和刻苦，比我强太多了！（好了言归正转）
1．   我看了一下范文，好象even if 之后都是现在时呀，可以讨论一下。
2．   第一段我觉得也是两句好象关联性不大，但觉的要是写“without sufficient evidence and carefully comparing, the suggestion is completely open to doubt.”这样的话也觉的是纯概述，好象imong的评述上看到这样的话没什么用，改了一下感觉还是不好，不知道小小妹妹有什么更好的建议，呵呵！另外我觉得我的前提可能跟你理解的不太一样，我觉得 the increase in the need of office machines is not necessary to occur 是前提 （这应该是我原文中想要证的， 当时好象胡涂了）， 而不是 that trend, 因此我把第一段大概调整了一下。希望赐教！
3．   最后还是非常感谢小小能在百忙之中帮我改文章，不过有时间的话还要帮偶该呀！呵呵
4．   听说你参加考研了， 如果有的话祝考的顺利。 不过觉得你有机会的还是应该出去的，要不太可惜了！


Before claiming that the office-supply department will become the most profitable component of our stores by stocking a large amount of office machines and office supplies, a complete examination from several aspects is needed. In fact, the author assumes that the sharp increase in needs of office machines and office supplies will occur without considering other factors, which may have impaired the credibility of the argument.

First of all, the assumption thatas a result of the rise in the work-at-home trend, the need of office machine and office supplies will rapidly increase is unwarranted. In fact, the author has overlooked a myriad of possible factors such as the respondents’ economic condition, and professional, and so forth, which all might have a great influence on the requirement in office machines. Then if most of respondents have most low salary, it is entirely possible that they could print the necessary materials in offices as many as possible and solely take those works that do not need to use office appliance at home in order to save expenditure. Or if the majority of respondents come from a same type of companies as soft industry, then it is fully likely that people only use their computers to do some works that do not need to use home office machines. Without taking the case into consideration, the author is too rashly to contend the increase in the profits of the office-supply departments.

[ 本帖最后由 aunknown 于 2007-1-24 21:30 编辑 ]

果小冻UID: 208370

:)
首先，很不好意思，呵呵，我的语法和语言方面真的很不好的。所以你千万别被我误导哦，呵呵。
其次，关于第一段落，我当时的感觉就是你的中心有点不突出，呵呵，现在这么调整后真的很好，西西。然后关于套话之类的，我的想法是，能简练就简练，如果在考试时候一时紧张，准备点摸版也好的。
然后你现在的第二段落和我想的是一样滴，西西西西，原先的中心句写的时候是不是开小差了呀？;d:
呵呵，谢谢你的关心啊，我考研已经考完了，呵呵，恩，打算先读研再说，主要是现在对于以后还没有一个明确的想法，比较茫然。我会加油的。你也是哦。

celestialblueUID: 2285351

啊~~刚刚帮LZ改完,发现LZ已经重写了开头和第一段~~~晚来了一步啊
改完以后这两段基本上挑不出什么错来了,看来LZ的写作功力还是很强的啊
在提议点个人意见,
关于第三段,举了别的departement也有商机，但好象没说为什么会比office-supply department好的问题，我觉得可以提一下根源的问题，毕竟以前office-supply departments的销售就比不过别的部门

还有LZ的句子太长了，最好可以加一点短句调和一些，不然整段读下来气都喘不过来了~~

LZ帮我改的很仔细，多谢了，我觉得非常有帮助。
还有楼主给我的意见，关于SURVEY的攻击，其实我是想第一段先攻击整个论断的前提，第二段再攻击survey的，还有那个特例的问题，那个打印机的辐射是满强的。其实本来是想举的极端一点的，可能有问题。可以讨论一下，我个人觉得例子举的越具体越好的，最好来点细节描写什么的。

yy2750UID: 2131548

写的很好
可不可以帮我看一下 不胜感激
http://bbs.gter.ce.cn/bbs/thread-597896-1-1.html

gongzhenUID: 2230083

Before claiming that the office-supply department will become the most profitable component of our stores by stocking a large amount of office machines and office supplies, a complete examination from several aspects is needed. In fact, the author assumes that the sharp increase in needs of office machines and office supplies will occur without considering other factors, which may have impaired the credibility of the argument.
这个开头的句子太长了吧，头重脚轻啊　！我觉得颠倒一下位置比较好
A complete examination is needed from several aspects before claiming the office-supply department will become the most profitable one  by seizing the market of home office machines.

First of all, the assumption thatas a result of the rise in the work-at-home trend, the need of office machine and office supplies will rapidly increase is unwarranted. In fact, the author has overlooked a myriad of possible factors such as the respondents’ economic condition, and professional, and so forth, which all might have a great influence on the requirement in office machines. Then if most of respondents have most low salary, it is entirely possible that they could print the necessary materials in offices as many as possible and solely take those works that do not need to use office appliance at home in order to save expenditure. Or if the majority of respondents come from a same type of companies as soft industry, then it is fully likely that people only use their computers to do some works that do not need to use home office machines. Without taking the case into consideration, the author is too rashly to contend the increase in the profits of the office-supply departments.
我觉得楼主的句有点长，希望能够简练点
They just finish their work by a computer or telegrams even mail with their bosses by interent instead of with the help of home office machines.

Even assuming that the need for office machines and office supplies indeed will？ enhance, to claim that profits of the office-supply departments will boost by stocking quantities of office machine is ungrounded.In fact, whether a kind of goods can be sold well or not rests on many respects like its breed, the price, and the quality, and the situation of competitors, and so forth.If large amounts of office machines stoking by the office-supply departments are inferior and high price, it is entirely possible that they still cannot be sold well. Or due to the rise in the demand of office machines, many companies, although they did not sell similar products in the past, begin to sell them in order to gain profits, which might lead to the excessive supply and eventually result in the decline in prices and profits of products. Accordingly, lack of the consideration of these possibility, it is unconvincing to conclude that the office-supply departments will enhance their profits.
这段还好　开头句挺好的

Finally, even if the office-supply departments can enhance their profits, there is no evidence to show that they will become the most profitable component of their stores. The author possibly has overlooked the sales conditions of other some departments like home-supply departments. In fact, due to the trend to work at home, people can stay at home for more long time than they did in the past, which will possible lead to the huge needs for the home appliances and some related products, such as televisions, ovens and refrigerators and so forth. Consequently, the rise in profits of the home-supply departments probably far outweighs the office-supply departments.
这段我觉得有些牵强，可以论述其他的部门可能在销量上也有突破，　从而导致办公用品部不能成为最盈利的部门，　或和其他部门相比利润不占优势．
From what has been discussed above, we can safely arrive at the conclusion that unless the author provides more information about the surveyed people and other some departments, his or her contention can not convince us.

总体不错，　希望继续努力　以下是我的，请楼主提出意见，　还有很大的提高空间的！！
http://bbs.gter.ce.cn/bbs/viewthread.php?tid=598126&page=1&extra=page%3D3#pid1769608486

[ 本帖最后由 gongzhen 于 2007-1-25 13:22 编辑 ]