argument147 [背水一战]小组_第一篇,拍死我吧^_^

flaflagogoUID: 2280642

终于开始写了,还是先拿argument 下的手.写得很慢很慢.........边查模版边写的..........才写了400字..........鄙视自己一下= =||||...........大家拍吧别客气~~~
感觉越写越发现原文的逻辑错误很多,可是又不知道该怎么修改:(

147.The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine
"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months
*********************************************************************************************************************************************************
提纲：
1.调查关于样本的细节交代不清.
2.不是所有人都能买的起最新的电脑,尤其对于10-25人群
3.缺少对整个市场的整体把握,以及对公司本身存在问题的认识.

In the analysis, the arguer concludes that the sales of Whirlwind video games will increase in the next few months. This conclusion is based on a survey, which points out that what kind of the video-game players prefer is just the same as Whirlwind has introduced recently. And the arguer also mentions that Whirlwind has advertised extensively to the people who are most likely to play video-games. The argument suffers from several fallacies.

To begin with, the arguer fails to provide assurances that the survey is reliable. In evaluating the evidence of the survey, one should know how many the respondents are and whether they are representative of all the video-game players. If the survey is limited to the visitors in the exhibition of the most advanced graphic techniques for game programming, the respondents surely will prefer the games that provide lifelike graphics. Unless the arguer provides more information about the sample of the survey, the evidence is merely an unconvincing assumption.

Even if it is true that most players prefer the games that provide lifelike graphics, as the arguer says, those games require the most up-to-date computers, which is too costly for many people to afford. Considering the age-group most likely to play video-games is 10 to 25 years old, the age-group with poor purchasing power, I come to my conclusion that Whirlwind will sell out few of its products no matter how extensive its advertising campaign is.

Another problem the arguer overlooks is the current circumstance in the market of video-game even other entertainments. Maybe there are new kinds of entertainment, cheaper and more enjoyable, attracting lots of the loyal video-game players, which causes the depression not only occurs in Whirlwind but the entire video-game market. Or maybe there are many existing games which provide lifelike graphics in the market, thus no one wants to possess more. What is worse, maybe there are problems in the operation, not in the choice of products, leading Whirlwind's sale to decline. In that situation, one can hardly imagine the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months.

In sum, the argument is unpersuasive as it stands. To strengthen it the arguer should give reasons why the sales of Whirlwind market decline, make a better investigation on the factors of the market. To evaluate the argument, I also need the detailed information about the survey and the purchasing power of the players.

[ 本帖最后由 flaflagogo 于 2007-1-29 14:35 编辑 ]

kylinUID: 2242436

In the analysis, the arguer concludes that the sales of Whirlwind video games will increase in the next few months. This conclusion is based on a survey, which points out that what kind of the video-game players prefer（，and it 因为WW的游戏类型与players喜欢的类型是恰好吻合，而不是由survey得出的结论） is just the same as Whirlwind has introduced recently. And the arguer also mentions that Whirlwind has advertised extensively to the people who are most likely to play video-games. The argument suffers from several fallacies.（模版痕迹明显啊。。。呵呵 个人觉得开头还是简单点好 lz的这种开头是xdf力荐的，不过在gter上被imong狠批了～～但的确有ETS对一篇6分范文的评价作证，八卦开头是ETS不喜欢的）To begin with, the arguer fails to provide assurances that the survey is reliable. In evaluating the evidence of the survey, one should know how many the respondents are and whether they are representative of all the video-game players. If the survey is limited to the visitors in the exhibition of the most advanced graphic techniques for game programming, the respondents surely will (will surely) prefer the games that provide lifelike graphics. Unless the arguer provides more information about the sample of the survey, the evidence is merely an unconvincing assumption. （论证还可以更深入些 但摆出的这个假设论述与角度挺不错的）Even if it is true that most players prefer the games that provide lifelike graphics, as the arguer says, those games require the most up-to-date computers, which is too costly for many people to afford. Considering the age-group most likely to play video-games is 10 to 25 years old, the age-group （which is a group）with poor purchasing power, (在这里可以说明为什么这群人会没钱？因为是学生族或刚工作不久的 所以经济尚未独立或不宽裕。这样能使论证更饱满些。)I come to my conclusion that Whirlwind will（试试加上推测语气） sell out few of its products no matter how extensive its advertising campaign is.
（另：感觉多用may之类的推断语气会比较好 毕竟是我们的假设 说的太肯定有点武断的感觉 原来我们外教改作文时一再强调，不要直接用陈述语气，要给个usually啊always之类，因为事情无绝对。可见老外挺重这个的～而且孙远说：may可是高分词哪～～西西）Another problem the arguer overlooks is the current circumstance in the market of video-game even other entertainments. Maybe there are new kinds of entertainment, cheaper and more enjoyable, attracting lots of the loyal（loyal?这个词好像是用在个人品质方面的。。改成crazy/fanatical之类会比较好）video-game players, which causes (may cause) the depression not only occurs in Whirlwind but （also）the entire video-game market. Or maybe there are (小小建议换换句式 呵呵)many existing games which provide lifelike graphics in the market (还可以加个假设：而且这些游戏比WW的要便宜), thus no one wants to possess more. What is worse, maybe there are problems in the operation, not in the choice of products, leading Whirlwind's sale to decline（进一步分析下 来个假设）. In that situation, one can hardly imagine the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months.In sum, the argument is unpersuasive as it stands. To strengthen it the arguer should give reasons why the sales of Whirlwind market decline, （and）make a better investigation on the factors of the market. To evaluate the argument, I also need the detailed information about the survey and the purchasing power of the players.

感觉lz的大致思路很正确，框架也搭的不错，比较不足的是论证欠深入，给人轻飘飘的感觉，驳得不够力度。其实抓住一个点深挖几步，效果就出来了。建议看一些带分析的argu，比如imong就有。我看过觉得收获挺大的。呵呵。
还有lz，知道你心急，但文章真没你说的那么差啊，干嘛老批自己嘛 加油哈～～不要太郁闷拉
其实我也是光会说，自己也。。。哎哎 算了～呵

kylinUID: 2242436

哦 关于那个loyal， 我在网上查了下 把它贴出来八～～免得lz去找了:loveliness:


形容词loyal:
1. steadfast in allegiance or duty
2. inspired by love for your country
同义词：patriotic
3. unwavering in devotion to friend or vow or cause
同义词：firm, truehearted, fast

flaflagogoUID: 2280642

呜喵呜喵~~~~真是醍醐灌顶啊~~~
我就在想为什么都用上模版了感觉自己写的还是不太对劲
果然是该说的没说清楚,不该说的又说太多了

至于模版这个问题,唉,真是让人爱也不能恨也不能啊.........
用了就痕迹太明显,不用又觉得自己表达不够准确,没有个前后衔接的润色......

另,弱问imong是啥?^_^

kylinUID: 2242436

呵呵 imong是gter里滴大人物吖～～

我把他的帖子链接放下面拉 可以去搜搜他对写作的讲解 不过多数可能会比较靠后 因为发帖历史比较久远 哈
https://bbs.gter.net/search.php?searchid=256&orderby=lastpost&ascdesc=desc&searchsubmit=yes


另外 多去A和I的精华区看看 那里也满多牛人指点的～～ ^^

lourryUID: 2157624

呵呵，看了kylin的改的呵，已经挺仔细的了。
我就飘过啦~~
给我的感觉是这篇我看过呵，细细~

flaflagogoUID: 2280642

不可能吧~~~~?
这篇我除了模版啥的借用了一下剩下的全是自己写的啊~~~~~