Argument26 【四海一家】第一次作业

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Argument26   The following appeared in a memo from the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda.

"For the past five years, Mr. Charles Schade has been the music director at Steel City High School, and during that time the school band from Steel City High has won three regional band competitions. In addition, the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High has improved markedly over the past five years. Because of such successes at Steel City High, the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system."

In this memo, the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda advises to hire Mr. Charles Schade, the music director at Steel City High School, for his seemingly excellent work and achievement in Steel City High School. This plausible argument is no very convincing to me for a couple of reasons:

To begin with, the chairperson’s first reason which refers to the three regional band competitions won by the school band from Steel City High lends no strong support the his conclusion that Mr. Charles Schade is a qualified candidate. Due to the lack of any detail information about the average music level of the region where Steel City High School won in, we cannot make sure whether Steel City High School band has won these competitions mainly because of its leading level of musical performance or the poor condition in the entire region these competitions took place. Even if the average regional level has nothing to doubt, the success of the school band itself does not simply equate to the success of the music director at that school, not mention his personal professional ability in directing a music band.

In addition, when it comes to the improvement of the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High, common sense tell us that this improvement cannot be attributed to only one certain person and insteadly may involve many other factors, such as the financial condition of the school, the extent to which the school’s leaders lay store to the band, and even the social atmosphere and the popularity of musical activities at that time. We cannot qualify Mr. Charles Schade merely on such an unpersuasive basis, even without taking into account the possibility that the he may be not always on the position of music director in Steel City High School for the past five years when above improvement was made.

Finally, even if all above reasoning is not the truth and therefore Mr. Charles Schade is indeed a superior music director for a high school band, it does not necessarily lead to the further conclusion that he must be qualified for the task to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system, since the experience of directing a mere band may be not suitable for the situation of the entire school system. There is still a doubt whether Mr. Charles Schade could handle a much larger and far more complicated circumstance than he has ever dealed with. To convince us, the chairperson should provide more evidence to illuminate Mr. Charles Schade’s potential ability to be competent for the assignment.

In sum, it is obvious that there is still a gap between the fact cited by the chairperson and his suggestion that Mr. Charles Schade is a satisfying candidate. To strengthen this argument, the chairperson should provide more logical and convincing reasons and evidence to show us the competence of Mr. Charles Schade.

Total words: 497        Time: 40 min

新的一步UID: 2194020

Argument26   The following appeared in a memo from the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda.

"For the past five years, Mr. Charles Schade has been the music director at Steel City High School, and during that time the school band from Steel City High has won three regional band competitions. In addition, the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High has improved markedly over the past five years. Because of such successes at Steel City High, the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system."

In this memo, the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda advises to hire Mr. Charles Schade, the music director at Steel City High School, for his seemingly excellent work and achievement in Steel City High School. This plausible argument is no not very convincing to me for a couple of reasons:

To begin with, the chairperson’s first reason which refers to the three regional band competitions won by the school band from Steel City High lends no strong support the his conclusion that Mr. Charles Schade is a qualified candidate. Due to the lack of any detail information about the average music level of the region where Steel City High School won in, we cannot make sure whether Steel City High School band has won these competitions mainly because of its leading level of musical performance or the poor condition in the entire region wherethese competitions took place. Even if the average regional level has nothing to doubt, the success of the school band itself does not simply equate to the success of the music director at that school, not mention his personal professional ability in directing a music band.其实这里有两个错误,一个是乐队水平不一定很高,还有一个是即使乐队水平很高,不一定是这个director的功劳,这两个错误你都提到了,你可以把这两个错误分成两段来写

In addition, when it comes to the improvement of the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High, common sense tell us that this improvement cannot be attributed to这个词用的好 only one certain person and insteadly 这个词有问题,你是想说相反的吧,可以说can not be attributed to only one certain person, instead, it may involve… may involve many other factors, such as the financial condition of the school, the extent to which the school’s leaders lay store lay store 是什么意思? to the band, and even the social atmosphere and the popularity of musical activities at that time. We cannot qualify Mr. Charles Schade merely on such an unpersuasive basis, even without taking into account the possibility that the he may be not always on the position of music director in Steel City High School for the past five years when above improvement was made这句话是什么意思?难道Mr. Charles Schade不是五年中一直是director的吗?.

Finally, even if all above reasoning is not the truth and therefore Mr. Charles Schade is indeed a superior music director for a high school band, it does not necessarily lead to the further conclusion that he must be qualified for the task to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system, since the experience of directing a mere band may be not suitable for the situation of the entire school system.不错,这里是个错误的类比和能力扩大.这里可以分两层,先说他在原先的学校取得成功,不代表在现在的学校取得成功,再说即使在现在的学校能教出好乐队,也不一定能胜任音乐教育项目, There is still a doubt whether Mr. Charles Schade could handle a much larger and far more complicated circumstance than he has ever dealed dealtwith. To convince us, the chairperson should provide more evidence to illuminate Mr. Charles Schade’s potential ability to be competent for the assignment.

In sum, it is obvious that there is still a gap between the fact cited by the chairperson and his suggestion that Mr. Charles Schade is a satisfying candidate. To strengthen this argument, the chairperson should provide more logical and convincing reasons and evidence to show us the competence of Mr. Charles Schade.简洁,值得学习

Total words: 497        Time: 40 min
这篇argument的错误有很多,作者基本上都发现了,开头结尾简洁,中间攻击得也很到位,逻辑也很清晰,如果把第一段我说的两个错误分开写就更完美了!
拙见,见笑了

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嗬嗬，谢谢你！
第一段那俩错误实在是觉得字数已经不能再多了，这样都超时了……唉
5年那个，我也不确定，只是题目上没有明确说他做了几年啊，于是我就吹毛求疵了……
嗯，我有空也去看看你的作业：）

新的一步UID: 2194020

题目第一句话For the past five years, Mr. Charles Schade has been the music director at Steel City High School
这句话是不是说他做了5年?
有空我在看看你的ISSUE吧