issue185 同主题

luckychinaUID: 2131861

TOPIC: ISSUE185 - "Scandals-whether in politics, academia, or other areas-can be useful. They focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could."
WORDS: 517          TIME: 0:45:00          DATE: 2007-2-12

Abraham Lincoln, the 16th president of America, once said (and I paraphrase), "you can cheat all the people for some time, or some people for all the time, but can never cheat all the people for all the time." In our life, scandals appear now and then, which focus our attention on problems in that they are useful.

What are scandals on earth? By my definition, they are no more than some mysterious behaviors designed and implemented by a few celebrities in dark, which would be widely and openly discussed and gossiped by other millions of thousands of people. Usually published with a huge paragraph of the poor celebrities on the front page of newspapers, scandals seem never failing to be the most popular topics at that time and focus our attention on the problems to which we usually keep a dead ear and blind eyes.

Scandals can be useful and can be utilized by various people in diverse uses. To ordinary people, scandals of those celebrities always standing on the spot light in some extent satisfy their curiosity to the unknown life far away from ordinary ones. They would like to read the scandals, cackle the scandals, and expend the scandals in their spare time. While to other specialists in this field, such as speakers, reformers, politicians and the like, scandals serve as a tool or excuse to achieve their own goal, even in domestic world. To understand this point, one needs to look no further on the biggest breakdown of Hwang Woo Suk, a researcher in the South Korea, who cheated on the biological experiments about cloning cells. Actually, scandals are as old as science itself. But the unfortunate Hwang, the hero of such tragedy, became the target to warn other scientists from such malfeasance in the future. Therefore, the value of scandals is not due to the focusing our attention, but just the opposite: since they are useful, scandals have focused our attention and been used for disparate purposes by different people.

Admittedly, scandals are not always perfect. The reason that a celebrity is called a celebrity, is usually because some extent of his or her popularity, or in other words, markets. Once he or she is unfortunately broke up and proved to be dishonesty, the markets, who admire him or her in belief, might be hurt deep in heart. The more popular the celebrity is, the more serious the funs are hurt. For example, when Watergate scandal came to light and Nixon had to abdicate, his former supporters might be blue and lose the confidence to the government. As a result, the authority lost authority, and the society lost stability. Consequently, scandals do bring about some obvious problems to the general citizens and the society, let alone the inevitable bankrupcy of the “pathetic” celebrities themselves.

In sum, although they have obviously brought about a good many problems to contemporaries and the society, scandals can be useful so that people in distinct original purposes pay attention to them, and then those in spot light would "never cheat all the people for all the time".

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

Abraham Lincoln, the 16th president of America, once said (and I paraphrase), "you can cheat all the people for some time, or some people for all the time, but can never cheat all the people for all the time." (这句跟你后面的观点有什么关系? 引用需要striking, 不然写出来即使给人新鲜感也缺乏实际意义. 写了这句话就需要用这句话去评价丑闻) In our life, scandals appear now and then, which focus our attention on problems (这里比题目种对problems的使用还要空泛,这样不利于引导你的论述) in that (连词? 状语从句? 句子成分不明确) they are useful.
(开头段有新意, 这很好, 但这个开头缺乏明确的目的性. ISSUE的开头通常会有几个作用: 1, 介绍背景 2, 提出论点 3, 初步解释论点 4, 提出反面观点并否定 5, 引起读者思考. 这个开头第一句话并没有起到什么作用, 而主题句又非常宽泛, 这样的开头很笼统也缺乏针对性, 建议对主题句用定语从句进行扩充, 并暗示你文章的行文套路, 这样才能起到提纲挈领的租用)

What are scandals on earth? (为什么提这个问题? 加一句来连接开头和本段会令文章更smooth) By my definition, they are no more than (这个词是要强调scandal不重要的? 而你的论点是scandal有用, 这样的口气不合适) some mysterious behaviors designed and implemented by a few celebrities in dark, which would be widely and openly discussed and gossiped by other millions of thousands of people. Usually published with a huge paragraph of the poor (用词不妥, 感情色彩浓重而且象是在否认scandal的正确性, 这样违反了你的总论点) celebrities on the front page of newspapers, scandals seem never failing to be the most popular topics at that time and focus (歧义, never是否修饰focus? 不便于理解) our attention on the problems to which we usually keep a dead ear and blind eyes.
(这段的用意是好的, 先说明丑闻的含义对你的论证是很有利的. 但段内却论证不足, 基本是有论点没论证, 也没有把你的定义跟全文论点联系起来, 如此定义scandal能怎么说明问题? 它们为什么能说明问题? 为什么要这么定义scandal? 都缺乏展开. 而且作为议论性文章而言, 只用这样两句话来说明也显得分量不足. 后面那句话在说明功能, 更应该放到后面的段落中去)

Scandals can be useful and can be utilized by various people in diverse uses. To ordinary people, scandals of those celebrities always standing on the spot light in some extent satisfy their curiosity to the unknown life far away from ordinary ones. They would like to read the scandals, cackle the scandals, and expend (消耗?) the scandals in their spare time. While to other specialists in this (which field? 前面没提及, 指代不明) field, such as speakers, reformers, politicians and the like, scandals serve as a tool or excuse to achieve their own goal (what goal? 太抽象), even in domestic world. [To understand this point, one needs to look no further on the biggest breakdown of Hwang Woo Suk, a researcher in the South Korea, who cheated on the biological experiments about cloning cells. Actually, scandals are as old as science itself. But the unfortunate Hwang, the hero of such tragedy, became the target to warn other scientists from such malfeasance in the future.](what's Hwang's goal? or others' goal? 没有交代清楚, 这个例子不能支持前面的论证) Therefore, the value of scandals is not due to the focusing our attention, but just the opposite (文章主题句说: focus our attention on problems, 这里又说不是) since they are useful, scandals have focused our attention and been used for disparate purposes by different people. (太抽象, purposes跟focus attention不矛盾吧? 怎么说scandal不是因为focusing our attention呢? 本段对于purpose也没有给出解释, 使得全段的定位都不明确)

Admittedly, scandals are not always perfect (scandal有perfect的? beneficial来形容更准确. 另外这里让步很唐突, 跟前面缺乏过度. 可以提下"虽然它们有用, 但是..."本段跟前段存在转折关系, 连接词上需要体现). The reason that a celebrity is called a celebrity, is usually because some extent of his or her popularity, or in other words, markets. Once he or she is unfortunately broke up and proved to be dishonesty, the markets (market admire people? 搭配不当, the people who form his market), who admire him or her in belief, might be hurt deep in heart. The more popular the celebrity is, the more serious the funs are hurt.(然后呢? 带来什么害处? 这里可以深化文章的立意, 比如社会动荡, 经济下降, 意识形态迷茫等等. 而且如果这些丑闻是真的, 那么之前对他的崇拜反而就是错误的了, 不能怪到丑闻上) For example, when Watergate scandal came to light and Nixon had to abdicate, his former supporters might be blue and lose the confidence to the government. As a result, the authority lost authority, and the society lost stability. Consequently, scandals do bring about some obvious problems to the general citizens and the society, let alone the inevitable bankrupcy of the “pathetic” celebrities themselves.(那么怎么正确面对丑闻呢? 感觉你的文章一段在说丑闻有用, 一段在说丑闻不好, 也看不出感情倾向, 二者也缺乏辨证关系, 最后就造成这两段的意思自相矛盾, 中心论点不清晰, 让步段写的比主论段还长显然是不合适的.)

In sum, although they have obviously brought about a good many problems to contemporaries and the society, scandals can be useful so that people in distinct original purposes pay attention to them, and then those in spot light would "never cheat all the people for all the time".

总评: 虽然主题句说明了丑闻有用,  但文章并没有很好的对应主题句, 一没做充分展开, 二没有把主题句的论点很好的贯彻下去, 中间还出现了很多表达晦涩的地方. 建议写的时候经常回顾看下自己的段落总结, 是否能make sense, 是否跟主题句对应. ISSUE以说理服人为主, 不要为了凑字数而罗列观点, 写的时候一定要坚持这个出发点.

luckychinaUID: 2131861

好好研究~~

[ 本帖最后由 luckychina 于 2007-2-13 23:18 编辑 ]